stupid&depressed Posted December 11, 2009 Posted December 11, 2009 I'm a married guy, married for 8 years now and we have a toddler. I have this coworker, with whom I've been pretty friendly for the last couple of years. She started the whole thing by showing interest in me, completely took me by surprise. Since then we've been regularly talking every week, mostly about small stuff. I think we flirted a bit too, but I'm pretty bad in reading people. She's not the most attractive woman in the office, yet I found myself irresistibly attracted to her. It just grew on me, came from nowhere, I couldn't explain it. We've been having a Christmas party in another city. Last year I couldn't go but she went, and kept pestering me to come. When she came back she asked me jokingly if I missed her to which I jokingly replied that I didn't. This year I decided to go, thinking that both of us being away from our usual environments - she has a boyfriend - we could spend some time together, get to know each other better. I wasn't thinking about sex much, I was just longing for that exhilarating feeling of getting to know someone, getting close to someone. She made me think that she was thinking about something similar, when she called me surprised that I decided to go, than called me again to see when exactly I was flying and expressed regret that I chose to stay only a couple of days. She never called me before. She avoided me like the plague during the whole trip. At the party, after being violently rejected the whole weekend, I got violently drunk. She actually had me down a shot because "everyone should be happy, married and have children". Then she told me that her parents divorced and she was really hurt by it, but she got over it. She also told me that the person I know at the office is not the real her, she's just being professional. I think she realized some time between our phone conversations and the trip that I have a crush on her. Looking back now I think she might have knew even before that, but she only came face-to-face with my situation at that time. This whole thing threw me into a deep depression. I don't care about things anymore, I only want to sleep. I feel like I have no feelings toward anyone -even my own child - except her, but at the same time I realize that she is unreachable and I don't even know her that well. I'm angry and sad for being in this position and feel like an irresponsible monster for not having any feelings for my family. I know those feelings are there I just can't find them. I don't know how I should behave towards her... I'm trying to avoid her now, but I tried that in the past, and it all ended when she came up to me and asked me -half-jokingly - if I'm not gonna speak to her anymore. That's what she did first day after we got back from the Christmas party. I don't know I feel sometimes that she is toying with me, she likes to torture me. I'm still avoiding her this time though. Trying to stay strong this time. Should I tell her what happened, what I'm going through? I feel it would be unfair to burden her with the truth and I have a feeling she's already got a pretty good idea about it. But If I keep avoiding her, she will ask me why and I don't know what to do... And for some reason I'm dying to tell her. Should I just pretend that nothing happened and walk into her office and start chit-chatting again with her? Wouldn't that just restart this whole vicious cycle? Or can we get through this episode and remain friends, but with clear boundaries this time? She seems to favor this option and I can't understand why after all that's happened. Sorry for the length and whiny post. Any advice? Thanks.
Yukikazi Posted December 11, 2009 Posted December 11, 2009 Just tell her that some of the signals passing between you are fuzzy and you want clarification. But you cannot continue with the status quo cause its messing with your head and you need to keep things clear and focused but with her its not.
Lish Posted December 12, 2009 Posted December 12, 2009 I'm a married guy, married for 8 years now and we have a toddler. I have this coworker, with whom I've been pretty friendly for the last couple of years. She started the whole thing by showing interest in me, completely took me by surprise. Since then we've been regularly talking every week, mostly about small stuff. I think we flirted a bit too, but I'm pretty bad in reading people. She's not the most attractive woman in the office, yet I found myself irresistibly attracted to her. It just grew on me, came from nowhere, I couldn't explain it. We've been having a Christmas party in another city. Last year I couldn't go but she went, and kept pestering me to come. When she came back she asked me jokingly if I missed her to which I jokingly replied that I didn't. This year I decided to go, thinking that both of us being away from our usual environments - she has a boyfriend - we could spend some time together, get to know each other better. I wasn't thinking about sex much, I was just longing for that exhilarating feeling of getting to know someone, getting close to someone. She made me think that she was thinking about something similar, when she called me surprised that I decided to go, than called me again to see when exactly I was flying and expressed regret that I chose to stay only a couple of days. She never called me before. She avoided me like the plague during the whole trip. At the party, after being violently rejected the whole weekend, I got violently drunk. She actually had me down a shot because "everyone should be happy, married and have children". Then she told me that her parents divorced and she was really hurt by it, but she got over it. She also told me that the person I know at the office is not the real her, she's just being professional. I think she realized some time between our phone conversations and the trip that I have a crush on her. Looking back now I think she might have knew even before that, but she only came face-to-face with my situation at that time. This whole thing threw me into a deep depression. I don't care about things anymore, I only want to sleep. I feel like I have no feelings toward anyone -even my own child - except her, but at the same time I realize that she is unreachable and I don't even know her that well. I'm angry and sad for being in this position and feel like an irresponsible monster for not having any feelings for my family. I know those feelings are there I just can't find them. I don't know how I should behave towards her... I'm trying to avoid her now, but I tried that in the past, and it all ended when she came up to me and asked me -half-jokingly - if I'm not gonna speak to her anymore. That's what she did first day after we got back from the Christmas party. I don't know I feel sometimes that she is toying with me, she likes to torture me. I'm still avoiding her this time though. Trying to stay strong this time. Should I tell her what happened, what I'm going through? I feel it would be unfair to burden her with the truth and I have a feeling she's already got a pretty good idea about it. But If I keep avoiding her, she will ask me why and I don't know what to do... And for some reason I'm dying to tell her. Should I just pretend that nothing happened and walk into her office and start chit-chatting again with her? Wouldn't that just restart this whole vicious cycle? Or can we get through this episode and remain friends, but with clear boundaries this time? She seems to favor this option and I can't understand why after all that's happened. Sorry for the length and whiny post. Any advice? Thanks. Maybe what you need is tough love. Here it is. Read the bit I've put in bold... and maybe, JUST MAYBE, you will realise how selfish you are being. Get your priorities sorted out or you're going to end up with nothing. ..read it again. Again. Again? That is a disgrace.
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