Very long story about my cheating history and current relationship

[moeso]

My entire life I have cheated on all of my boyfriends. There wasn't one relationship where I haven't cheated. However, not any of these cheating incidents involved anything sexual. It was more like an emotional type of cheating. Because it's always an emotional type of cheating, this kind of concerns me even more so than compared to a sexual type of cheating. With the sexual type of cheating it's short lived. You hook up and then that's it, it usually doesn't turn into anything intimate beyond that. But with a non-sexual type of cheating there's more of an emotional attachment.

 

I've come to realize that I'm an extremely moody, irrational and impulsive thinker. For a few months I will be very giddy and happy with my current relationship and then later I will be apathetic about it. My emotions come in phases really. Sometimes it's hard to tell how I truly feel about a situation as well. Meaning when I'm experiencing a certain emotion it's hard to tell whether it's me dwelling on an impulse/bad mood, or whether I really truly feel that way in general.

 

I also have a strong lack of feelings for other's feelings. In other words, when I'm doing something wrong I understand it can potentially hurt the person I'm with but I still go on with it. And then when the person is upset about it, I have no emotion towards them. I realize what I did was wrong, but I have no actual feeling of regret or guilt about it.

 

All of this is extremely concerning to me. What is even more concerning is that I realize everything about myself - I know what I'm doing is wrong and I understand that there will be consequences, but I still continue to do the wrong thing. It's almost like I have an internal conflict with myself. A part of me rationalizes with the situation - what I'm doing is wrong, you could hurt others and yourself, don't do it; while the other part of me is completely apathetic and unconcerned with the other person.

 

 

Anyway, now that I've got some background to myself let me explain my situation.

 

About two years ago I was in a relationship where I wanted to start over with myself and do things right for once and not cheat. For the first year everything was going very smoothly and extremely well. Even though we lived in different states I made an effort to see him all the time. I took 2+ hour train rides for when he was home and 6+ hour train rides when he was away at school just to see him. I never had a thought in my mind about any other guys while I was with him and even felt uncomfortable interacting with other guys in general. Things went so well for us that first year that we decided to move in together for a few months.

 

When we were living together, I noticed that he wasn't the person I thought he was. He hid a lot of things from me, his computer in particular, and did some other questionable behavior in general. At first I voiced how I felt about him hiding his computer and all that was made from it was arguments and him still continuing to hide his computer. While in the midst of this, he also had a strange masturbation routine that really turned me off. I won't get into the details about it though. He also use to force me onto him sometimes, and I won't get into details about that either. But what really topped it off for me was when I found on his phone pictures of another girl's legs. Sounds kinda weird but he was sitting next to a girl wearing a skirt who he thought had nice legs so he took pictures of them. The girl was completely unaware of this as well.

 

Basically, with all of that coming at me within a span of a few months, I got so upset that I snapped. I don't think I've ever cried or yelled so hard over a guy before in my life when I found out and realized all of those things about him. What I thought was most upsetting was that he didn't know where I was coming from, I never told him about my cheating history before him, and that I was doing everything so right with him and I was so in love with him. I scarified so much for him and I was truly a genuinely different person with him... and his shady behavior was what I got in return. I felt beyond awful about it, I felt like I gave myself to him thinking he was the greatest, and all he did was let me down. It was like as if I turned on a switch in my head to be a good girl when I met him, and I was. But when all of that happened to me, it was as if I turned the switch back off.

 

I wanted to move out immediately after finding out those things. Not because I wanted to break up and move on, but because I just felt that we needed to be apart so we can work on our relationship alone. However I was unable to right away and we ended up patching things up but only half-heartily on my part. It was from this point on when things started to revert back to my old self.

 

Why didn't I just end it with him after I found out those things if I was that upset and I knew things wouldn't be the same? Why didn't I just tell him about everything, including my past history of cheating, and how I was feeling? I honestly cannot answer these questions. I think part of me who still wanted to be good and be that better person that I was with him still loved him and wanted to be with him, while the other part of me was hurt and reverted back to my old self. I thought somewhere along the lines that the one part of me who still wanted to be good would ultimately win, but that didn't happen.

 

To make a long story short, after that experience when I moved back home I had an "emotional affair" (as I would call it) with two other people while I was with my boyfriend. When I went home I felt starved for comfort, I felt like I wasted so much time and energy into someone who just let me down. Again, one part of me wanted to forgive and forget while the other part of me was hurt and wanted to seek out attention elsewhere.

 

I basically reverted back and forth between the two feelings for a year. I sought out attention with the first guy and just got let down and realized I should be trying to patch things up with my boyfriend. As I tried to patch things up with my boyfriend, I got another wave of unhappiness and feelings that things will never be the same with him and sought out more attention from the second guy. The second guy was more drawn out though, since I became especially attached to him. I think part of the reason I was so attached to him was because I bought into his words of comfort but he at points he actually reminded me of the earlier parts of my relationship with my boyfriend. But, he let me down too.

 

Eventually, after all of this, my boyfriend found out about everything. He's extremely upset, as he would be, but still wants to patch things up. He's convinced me and the second guy are going to get back together when it's all said and done. But he believes otherwise because since I'm still an impulsive person, I sent the second guy a charged message while my boyfriend and I are fighting. Nothing was ever made of it, my feelings for the second guy are gone. But my boyfriend doesn't believe me, which I guess is understandable.

 

I basically don't know what to do anymore, I'm still torn. Part of me wants to stay with him and patch things up, but the other part tells me I have beat the hell out of this relationship and things will never be the same. I don't know what to do anymore. I think he is a better person than all of this, and while I still think I am capable of being that person I once was with him the trust will never be the same. I go in and out with these feelings all the time. One moment I'll think back to how we use to be and want it back, while another moment I think to the future and believe things will never be as good as they use to.

 

I don't know what to say anymore really. I have some serious growing to do and I know I will grow and change. I don't want to be dependent on others for attention and comfort anymore. I want to be content and happy and cheat-free with one person on my mind. I know I'm capable of doing it, I was doing that and more in the beginning of our relationship. But I guess the real question is if I'm going to do this growing with him or alone. Any input is appreciated.

[cybersister]

I think you know the answers here- they are in your message. You were unhappy with the person who cheats, and you found that when in love you can manage not to do this. Then you find out the person you loved was not the person you thought he was, so you reverted.

But you have done it once , so you can do it again, when you meet the right person. This guy is not that person, so move on and wait for him to come along.

[You'reasian]

My entire life I have cheated on all of my boyfriends. There wasn't one relationship where I haven't cheated. However, not any of these cheating incidents involved anything sexual. It was more like an emotional type of cheating. Because it's always an emotional type of cheating, this kind of concerns me even more so than compared to a sexual type of cheating. With the sexual type of cheating it's short lived. You hook up and then that's it, it usually doesn't turn into anything intimate beyond that. But with a non-sexual type of cheating there's more of an emotional attachment.

 

I've come to realize that I'm an extremely moody, irrational and impulsive thinker. For a few months I will be very giddy and happy with my current relationship and then later I will be apathetic about it. My emotions come in phases really. Sometimes it's hard to tell how I truly feel about a situation as well. Meaning when I'm experiencing a certain emotion it's hard to tell whether it's me dwelling on an impulse/bad mood, or whether I really truly feel that way in general.

 

I also have a strong lack of feelings for other's feelings. In other words, when I'm doing something wrong I understand it can potentially hurt the person I'm with but I still go on with it. And then when the person is upset about it, I have no emotion towards them. I realize what I did was wrong, but I have no actual feeling of regret or guilt about it.

 

All of this is extremely concerning to me. What is even more concerning is that I realize everything about myself - I know what I'm doing is wrong and I understand that there will be consequences, but I still continue to do the wrong thing. It's almost like I have an internal conflict with myself. A part of me rationalizes with the situation - what I'm doing is wrong, you could hurt others and yourself, don't do it; while the other part of me is completely apathetic and unconcerned with the other person.

 

 

Anyway, now that I've got some background to myself let me explain my situation.

 

About two years ago I was in a relationship where I wanted to start over with myself and do things right for once and not cheat. For the first year everything was going very smoothly and extremely well. Even though we lived in different states I made an effort to see him all the time. I took 2+ hour train rides for when he was home and 6+ hour train rides when he was away at school just to see him. I never had a thought in my mind about any other guys while I was with him and even felt uncomfortable interacting with other guys in general. Things went so well for us that first year that we decided to move in together for a few months.

 

When we were living together, I noticed that he wasn't the person I thought he was. He hid a lot of things from me, his computer in particular, and did some other questionable behavior in general. At first I voiced how I felt about him hiding his computer and all that was made from it was arguments and him still continuing to hide his computer. While in the midst of this, he also had a strange masturbation routine that really turned me off. I won't get into the details about it though. He also use to force me onto him sometimes, and I won't get into details about that either. But what really topped it off for me was when I found on his phone pictures of another girl's legs. Sounds kinda weird but he was sitting next to a girl wearing a skirt who he thought had nice legs so he took pictures of them. The girl was completely unaware of this as well.

 

Basically, with all of that coming at me within a span of a few months, I got so upset that I snapped. I don't think I've ever cried or yelled so hard over a guy before in my life when I found out and realized all of those things about him. What I thought was most upsetting was that he didn't know where I was coming from, I never told him about my cheating history before him, and that I was doing everything so right with him and I was so in love with him. I scarified so much for him and I was truly a genuinely different person with him... and his shady behavior was what I got in return. I felt beyond awful about it, I felt like I gave myself to him thinking he was the greatest, and all he did was let me down. It was like as if I turned on a switch in my head to be a good girl when I met him, and I was. But when all of that happened to me, it was as if I turned the switch back off.

 

I wanted to move out immediately after finding out those things. Not because I wanted to break up and move on, but because I just felt that we needed to be apart so we can work on our relationship alone. However I was unable to right away and we ended up patching things up but only half-heartily on my part. It was from this point on when things started to revert back to my old self.

 

Why didn't I just end it with him after I found out those things if I was that upset and I knew things wouldn't be the same? Why didn't I just tell him about everything, including my past history of cheating, and how I was feeling? I honestly cannot answer these questions. I think part of me who still wanted to be good and be that better person that I was with him still loved him and wanted to be with him, while the other part of me was hurt and reverted back to my old self. I thought somewhere along the lines that the one part of me who still wanted to be good would ultimately win, but that didn't happen.

 

To make a long story short, after that experience when I moved back home I had an "emotional affair" (as I would call it) with two other people while I was with my boyfriend. When I went home I felt starved for comfort, I felt like I wasted so much time and energy into someone who just let me down. Again, one part of me wanted to forgive and forget while the other part of me was hurt and wanted to seek out attention elsewhere.

 

I basically reverted back and forth between the two feelings for a year. I sought out attention with the first guy and just got let down and realized I should be trying to patch things up with my boyfriend. As I tried to patch things up with my boyfriend, I got another wave of unhappiness and feelings that things will never be the same with him and sought out more attention from the second guy. The second guy was more drawn out though, since I became especially attached to him. I think part of the reason I was so attached to him was because I bought into his words of comfort but he at points he actually reminded me of the earlier parts of my relationship with my boyfriend. But, he let me down too.

 

Eventually, after all of this, my boyfriend found out about everything. He's extremely upset, as he would be, but still wants to patch things up. He's convinced me and the second guy are going to get back together when it's all said and done. But he believes otherwise because since I'm still an impulsive person, I sent the second guy a charged message while my boyfriend and I are fighting. Nothing was ever made of it, my feelings for the second guy are gone. But my boyfriend doesn't believe me, which I guess is understandable.

 

I basically don't know what to do anymore, I'm still torn. Part of me wants to stay with him and patch things up, but the other part tells me I have beat the hell out of this relationship and things will never be the same. I don't know what to do anymore. I think he is a better person than all of this, and while I still think I am capable of being that person I once was with him the trust will never be the same. I go in and out with these feelings all the time. One moment I'll think back to how we use to be and want it back, while another moment I think to the future and believe things will never be as good as they use to.

 

I don't know what to say anymore really. I have some serious growing to do and I know I will grow and change. I don't want to be dependent on others for attention and comfort anymore. I want to be content and happy and cheat-free with one person on my mind. I know I'm capable of doing it, I was doing that and more in the beginning of our relationship. But I guess the real question is if I'm going to do this growing with him or alone. Any input is appreciated.

 

To recap: you have a history of cheating, you got involved with someone who really changed you for the positive and you did/said something with another guy that caused that guy to leave you.

 

Work on removing that impulsiveness. There's nothing wrong with being spontaneous, but that's different than being impulsive - which is usually lack of self-control, I think. Learn to take responsibility and own up for your actions. This is hard to do, especially when its one's own fault.

 

You notice in relationships, someone will usually come forward and make peace, even though it may be 50% or less their fauly - and say "Yes, I did those things, but I'm apologizing for my part and hope you will forgive me. Let's work through this" That's usually a sign of someone who wants to take care of their partner.

 

Be responsible for your behavior. No excuses or back tracking. This is hard.

 

If your boyfriend legitimately let you down, bring the issue forward to him and nip it in the bud rather than seek attention elsewhere and act impulsively.

 

Another sign of a mature partner, is someone who will sit down with you and tell you exactly what's going on and work things out. Communication is so important in relationships. Open and honest communication does a relationship good.

 

If you want the boyfriend in your life, you need to come absolutely clean to him. Tell him exactly what you've done, the reasons why, where you are at and if he can handle it and still wants to be with you, you're in a good position.

 

If not you will be growing alone - which is still good.

 

When you get unhappy, you seek attention from men. Instead of doing this, try developing a hobby or activity that builds you, your body, your spirit so that when you get unhappy - you can build you rather than confuse yourself with flings. Healthy habits keep you strong during bad spells.

 

I wish you best of luck.

[DollyMix]

wow reading your first four paragraphs is like a description of me, I agree with cybersister that your able not to cheat when your in love so maybe it's the pressure of you worrying you'll end up alone thats making you stay with people you don't love and so making you cheat, I think you really need to be true to yourself don't get scared of being on your own and doing your growing, also the fact this guys done some really bad stuff (forcing things) not good get out of it asap

[Space Ritual]

My entire life I have cheated on all of my boyfriends. There wasn't one relationship where I haven't cheated. However, not any of these cheating incidents involved anything sexual. It was more like an emotional type of cheating. Because it's always an emotional type of cheating, this kind of concerns me even more so than compared to a sexual type of cheating. With the sexual type of cheating it's short lived. You hook up and then that's it, it usually doesn't turn into anything intimate beyond that. But with a non-sexual type of cheating there's more of an emotional attachment.

 

I've come to realize that I'm an extremely moody, irrational and impulsive thinker. For a few months I will be very giddy and happy with my current relationship and then later I will be apathetic about it. My emotions come in phases really. Sometimes it's hard to tell how I truly feel about a situation as well. Meaning when I'm experiencing a certain emotion it's hard to tell whether it's me dwelling on an impulse/bad mood, or whether I really truly feel that way in general.

 

I also have a strong lack of feelings for other's feelings. In other words, when I'm doing something wrong I understand it can potentially hurt the person I'm with but I still go on with it. And then when the person is upset about it, I have no emotion towards them. I realize what I did was wrong, but I have no actual feeling of regret or guilt about it.

 

All of this is extremely concerning to me. What is even more concerning is that I realize everything about myself - I know what I'm doing is wrong and I understand that there will be consequences, but I still continue to do the wrong thing. It's almost like I have an internal conflict with myself. A part of me rationalizes with the situation - what I'm doing is wrong, you could hurt others and yourself, don't do it; while the other part of me is completely apathetic and unconcerned with the other person.

 

 

Anyway, now that I've got some background to myself let me explain my situation.

 

About two years ago I was in a relationship where I wanted to start over with myself and do things right for once and not cheat. For the first year everything was going very smoothly and extremely well. Even though we lived in different states I made an effort to see him all the time. I took 2+ hour train rides for when he was home and 6+ hour train rides when he was away at school just to see him. I never had a thought in my mind about any other guys while I was with him and even felt uncomfortable interacting with other guys in general. Things went so well for us that first year that we decided to move in together for a few months.

 

When we were living together, I noticed that he wasn't the person I thought he was. He hid a lot of things from me, his computer in particular, and did some other questionable behavior in general. At first I voiced how I felt about him hiding his computer and all that was made from it was arguments and him still continuing to hide his computer. While in the midst of this, he also had a strange masturbation routine that really turned me off. I won't get into the details about it though. He also use to force me onto him sometimes, and I won't get into details about that either. But what really topped it off for me was when I found on his phone pictures of another girl's legs. Sounds kinda weird but he was sitting next to a girl wearing a skirt who he thought had nice legs so he took pictures of them. The girl was completely unaware of this as well.

 

Basically, with all of that coming at me within a span of a few months, I got so upset that I snapped. I don't think I've ever cried or yelled so hard over a guy before in my life when I found out and realized all of those things about him. What I thought was most upsetting was that he didn't know where I was coming from, I never told him about my cheating history before him, and that I was doing everything so right with him and I was so in love with him. I scarified so much for him and I was truly a genuinely different person with him... and his shady behavior was what I got in return. I felt beyond awful about it, I felt like I gave myself to him thinking he was the greatest, and all he did was let me down. It was like as if I turned on a switch in my head to be a good girl when I met him, and I was. But when all of that happened to me, it was as if I turned the switch back off.

 

I wanted to move out immediately after finding out those things. Not because I wanted to break up and move on, but because I just felt that we needed to be apart so we can work on our relationship alone. However I was unable to right away and we ended up patching things up but only half-heartily on my part. It was from this point on when things started to revert back to my old self.

 

Why didn't I just end it with him after I found out those things if I was that upset and I knew things wouldn't be the same? Why didn't I just tell him about everything, including my past history of cheating, and how I was feeling? I honestly cannot answer these questions. I think part of me who still wanted to be good and be that better person that I was with him still loved him and wanted to be with him, while the other part of me was hurt and reverted back to my old self. I thought somewhere along the lines that the one part of me who still wanted to be good would ultimately win, but that didn't happen.

 

To make a long story short, after that experience when I moved back home I had an "emotional affair" (as I would call it) with two other people while I was with my boyfriend. When I went home I felt starved for comfort, I felt like I wasted so much time and energy into someone who just let me down. Again, one part of me wanted to forgive and forget while the other part of me was hurt and wanted to seek out attention elsewhere.

 

I basically reverted back and forth between the two feelings for a year. I sought out attention with the first guy and just got let down and realized I should be trying to patch things up with my boyfriend. As I tried to patch things up with my boyfriend, I got another wave of unhappiness and feelings that things will never be the same with him and sought out more attention from the second guy. The second guy was more drawn out though, since I became especially attached to him. I think part of the reason I was so attached to him was because I bought into his words of comfort but he at points he actually reminded me of the earlier parts of my relationship with my boyfriend. But, he let me down too.

 

Eventually, after all of this, my boyfriend found out about everything. He's extremely upset, as he would be, but still wants to patch things up. He's convinced me and the second guy are going to get back together when it's all said and done. But he believes otherwise because since I'm still an impulsive person, I sent the second guy a charged message while my boyfriend and I are fighting. Nothing was ever made of it, my feelings for the second guy are gone. But my boyfriend doesn't believe me, which I guess is understandable.

 

I basically don't know what to do anymore, I'm still torn. Part of me wants to stay with him and patch things up, but the other part tells me I have beat the hell out of this relationship and things will never be the same. I don't know what to do anymore. I think he is a better person than all of this, and while I still think I am capable of being that person I once was with him the trust will never be the same. I go in and out with these feelings all the time. One moment I'll think back to how we use to be and want it back, while another moment I think to the future and believe things will never be as good as they use to.

 

I don't know what to say anymore really. I have some serious growing to do and I know I will grow and change. I don't want to be dependent on others for attention and comfort anymore. I want to be content and happy and cheat-free with one person on my mind. I know I'm capable of doing it, I was doing that and more in the beginning of our relationship. But I guess the real question is if I'm going to do this growing with him or alone. Any input is appreciated.

 

 

Why do you feel you have to be with anyone at all right now. If I were you Id take some time off (if you can muster it) from any type of relationship and try to figure out your dependencies. The reason I say this is because if you dont take the time that may be required for you to grow and emotionally mature as a person, that you will have basically nothing to either add to a relationship. If you keep spinning your wheels without at least trying to take your foot off the pedal, you will go nowhere with any subsequent relationship.

 

Seriously, at least you can identify some character flaws, and that is indeed a plus. You ever stop to think how many people in this world go through life spinning those relationship wheels, end up alone and bitter and never take even a moment to ever consider it may be something they are doing wrong or something they need to explore? The only person you can control and improve on is YOURSELF.

You have already won half of your battle by recognizing it. Take time for yourself, so you can be in a fruitful and meaningful relationship instead of them all ending in disaster.

 

Good Luck

[jackie_p]

My entire life I have cheated on all of my boyfriends. There wasn't one relationship where I haven't cheated. However, not any of these cheating incidents involved anything sexual. It was more like an emotional type of cheating. Because it's always an emotional type of cheating, this kind of concerns me even more so than compared to a sexual type of cheating. With the sexual type of cheating it's short lived. You hook up and then that's it, it usually doesn't turn into anything intimate beyond that. But with a non-sexual type of cheating there's more of an emotional attachment.

 

I've come to realize that I'm an extremely moody, irrational and impulsive thinker. For a few months I will be very giddy and happy with my current relationship and then later I will be apathetic about it. My emotions come in phases really. Sometimes it's hard to tell how I truly feel about a situation as well. Meaning when I'm experiencing a certain emotion it's hard to tell whether it's me dwelling on an impulse/bad mood, or whether I really truly feel that way in general.

 

I also have a strong lack of feelings for other's feelings. In other words, when I'm doing something wrong I understand it can potentially hurt the person I'm with but I still go on with it. And then when the person is upset about it, I have no emotion towards them. I realize what I did was wrong, but I have no actual feeling of regret or guilt about it.

 

All of this is extremely concerning to me. What is even more concerning is that I realize everything about myself - I know what I'm doing is wrong and I understand that there will be consequences, but I still continue to do the wrong thing. It's almost like I have an internal conflict with myself. A part of me rationalizes with the situation - what I'm doing is wrong, you could hurt others and yourself, don't do it; while the other part of me is completely apathetic and unconcerned with the other person.

 

 

Anyway, now that I've got some background to myself let me explain my situation.

 

About two years ago I was in a relationship where I wanted to start over with myself and do things right for once and not cheat. For the first year everything was going very smoothly and extremely well. Even though we lived in different states I made an effort to see him all the time. I took 2+ hour train rides for when he was home and 6+ hour train rides when he was away at school just to see him. I never had a thought in my mind about any other guys while I was with him and even felt uncomfortable interacting with other guys in general. Things went so well for us that first year that we decided to move in together for a few months.

 

When we were living together, I noticed that he wasn't the person I thought he was. He hid a lot of things from me, his computer in particular, and did some other questionable behavior in general. At first I voiced how I felt about him hiding his computer and all that was made from it was arguments and him still continuing to hide his computer. While in the midst of this, he also had a strange masturbation routine that really turned me off. I won't get into the details about it though. He also use to force me onto him sometimes, and I won't get into details about that either. But what really topped it off for me was when I found on his phone pictures of another girl's legs. Sounds kinda weird but he was sitting next to a girl wearing a skirt who he thought had nice legs so he took pictures of them. The girl was completely unaware of this as well.

 

Basically, with all of that coming at me within a span of a few months, I got so upset that I snapped. I don't think I've ever cried or yelled so hard over a guy before in my life when I found out and realized all of those things about him. What I thought was most upsetting was that he didn't know where I was coming from, I never told him about my cheating history before him, and that I was doing everything so right with him and I was so in love with him. I scarified so much for him and I was truly a genuinely different person with him... and his shady behavior was what I got in return. I felt beyond awful about it, I felt like I gave myself to him thinking he was the greatest, and all he did was let me down. It was like as if I turned on a switch in my head to be a good girl when I met him, and I was. But when all of that happened to me, it was as if I turned the switch back off.

 

I wanted to move out immediately after finding out those things. Not because I wanted to break up and move on, but because I just felt that we needed to be apart so we can work on our relationship alone. However I was unable to right away and we ended up patching things up but only half-heartily on my part. It was from this point on when things started to revert back to my old self.

 

Why didn't I just end it with him after I found out those things if I was that upset and I knew things wouldn't be the same? Why didn't I just tell him about everything, including my past history of cheating, and how I was feeling? I honestly cannot answer these questions. I think part of me who still wanted to be good and be that better person that I was with him still loved him and wanted to be with him, while the other part of me was hurt and reverted back to my old self. I thought somewhere along the lines that the one part of me who still wanted to be good would ultimately win, but that didn't happen.

 

To make a long story short, after that experience when I moved back home I had an "emotional affair" (as I would call it) with two other people while I was with my boyfriend. When I went home I felt starved for comfort, I felt like I wasted so much time and energy into someone who just let me down. Again, one part of me wanted to forgive and forget while the other part of me was hurt and wanted to seek out attention elsewhere.

 

I basically reverted back and forth between the two feelings for a year. I sought out attention with the first guy and just got let down and realized I should be trying to patch things up with my boyfriend. As I tried to patch things up with my boyfriend, I got another wave of unhappiness and feelings that things will never be the same with him and sought out more attention from the second guy. The second guy was more drawn out though, since I became especially attached to him. I think part of the reason I was so attached to him was because I bought into his words of comfort but he at points he actually reminded me of the earlier parts of my relationship with my boyfriend. But, he let me down too.

 

Eventually, after all of this, my boyfriend found out about everything. He's extremely upset, as he would be, but still wants to patch things up. He's convinced me and the second guy are going to get back together when it's all said and done. But he believes otherwise because since I'm still an impulsive person, I sent the second guy a charged message while my boyfriend and I are fighting. Nothing was ever made of it, my feelings for the second guy are gone. But my boyfriend doesn't believe me, which I guess is understandable.

 

I basically don't know what to do anymore, I'm still torn. Part of me wants to stay with him and patch things up, but the other part tells me I have beat the hell out of this relationship and things will never be the same. I don't know what to do anymore. I think he is a better person than all of this, and while I still think I am capable of being that person I once was with him the trust will never be the same. I go in and out with these feelings all the time. One moment I'll think back to how we use to be and want it back, while another moment I think to the future and believe things will never be as good as they use to.

 

I don't know what to say anymore really. I have some serious growing to do and I know I will grow and change. I don't want to be dependent on others for attention and comfort anymore. I want to be content and happy and cheat-free with one person on my mind. I know I'm capable of doing it, I was doing that and more in the beginning of our relationship. But I guess the real question is if I'm going to do this growing with him or alone. Any input is appreciated.

Hi Moeso,

 

I think you have a good head on your shoulders..... you realize what the problem is and want to change it. That is the first step towards self betterment.

 

It sounds like you have already figured out your dependencies. Now you need to change them. I think what it comes down to is that you need to make your words actions. You need to make good on your promises to change and start doing so. If you did it once you can do it again.

 

Are you and your boyfriend talking? Have you shown him you are sincere about changing? I posted a similar story about my husband and I and the breakdown of communication between us that led to my own "emotional affair" (I think I know exactly what you mean about it being worse than a "sexual affair"). Any relationship that lacks communication between partners cannot succeed. Tell him why you were bitter at him and open up to him. Tell him his behavior was unacceptable and commit him to change. Of course, yours was no better, but you both need to take responsibility for your actions.

 

I think that if he is willing to change, and you are willing to change (and it sounds like it, at least from the tone I gather from your post), then you can work past your troubles, especially if he is willing to forgive you and fix things. It will take a long time to re-establish trust between the two of you, but if you two are able to prove yourselves to each other, then it could very well happen. Only time will tell.

 

If the both of you are willing to initiate the change necessary to revert things back to the way they used to be, then your relationship will flourish and you will grow together. Can it be like "old times"? Maybe, if you are both willing to forgive each other for past actions and work to change and re-establishing that old flame, and trust. If onlyone of you, or neither of you, are committed to this...... then you may both grown alone. But it all depends on how committed you are to changing.

 

I agree with the poster "yourasian". I think it would a good idea to find a way to build yourself. It seems you are a very impulsive person, so one bit of advice....whenever you find yourself in a sticky situation..... calm down! Instead of seeking attention from men, try talking to your partner about why you upset and establishing a solution together rather than bottling it up. Imagine the reprocussions of your actions, and determine whether the action you are about to take is worth the consequence of doing so. I know for me it wasnt.

 

Best.

[moeso]

Why do you feel you have to be with anyone at all right now. If I were you Id take some time off (if you can muster it) from any type of relationship and try to figure out your dependencies. The reason I say this is because if you dont take the time that may be required for you to grow and emotionally mature as a person, that you will have basically nothing to either add to a relationship. If you keep spinning your wheels without at least trying to take your foot off the pedal, you will go nowhere with any subsequent relationship.

 

Seriously, at least you can identify some character flaws, and that is indeed a plus. You ever stop to think how many people in this world go through life spinning those relationship wheels, end up alone and bitter and never take even a moment to ever consider it may be something they are doing wrong or something they need to explore? The only person you can control and improve on is YOURSELF.

You have already won half of your battle by recognizing it. Take time for yourself, so you can be in a fruitful and meaningful relationship instead of them all ending in disaster.

 

Good Luck

 

 

Thank you for your input. I agree that I need some serious time off from everything to just think everything over. I feel bad that my boyfriend had to deal with this huge blow of me cheating on him, and now I'm telling him I want some space. I'm not sure where things will go for us right now but I definitely need to improve myself before I decide to pursue our relationship or another relationship in general.

[moeso]

I had to let my boyfriend go. I realized I am still a very impulsive and irrational thinker and that my process to become a better, more stable person will take a lot longer than anticipated. I did an extremely impulsive action that pretty much made things officially over with my boyfriend and I.

 

I feel awful, probably worse than I have ever felt about all of this before. For once in my life I feel guilty about something I did. While this is a huge accomplishment, it's still one of the worst things I have ever experienced. I just feel awful about everything that has happened between us. He really was such a good guy, and while we had some bumps in the beginning of the relationship, I shouldn't have acted the way I did.

 

Like I said, this is a huge step for me. Feeling guilty is something I haven't experienced in a long time, if at all. I also initially wanted to lie to him and never tell him about what happened recently and try and move on, but I stopped myself from that too... another huge step.

 

I guess it's a bitter sweet situation. While I'm finally coming to terms with myself, identifying emotions I should feel (guilt) about some of my actions, I'm also losing someone who I really have ever loved. I want to drop everything I'm doing and just go back with him now but I realize things have progressed way too far to do such a thing. I am an emotional wreck right now though, I should really let it sit for a while and learn from all of this.

 

I don't know.

[on1wheel]

I do not mean to be cruel, but what happened to you is called "Karmic retribution". You have always cheated & hurt people, so the universe balances itself out by doing the same to you when you meet "Mr Right" & decide to change. It is the balance in the universe; a yin/yang kind of thing.

This is not to say you don't deserve to be happy, but you needed to experience what you have done to others in order to learn that there are always consequences to our less than noble actions. Now since you still didn't learn your lesson & have returned to the not very nice person you were before, then my advice is simple...stay out of a commited relationship. It is not for everyone & definitely not for you it seems. Let him go for his sake. You will be much happier as well, as you will no longer have to pretend to be someone that you are not. Life is too short to not be happy. Life is too short to not be true to yourself.

It's your call, but to stay & not be truly happy doesn't do either of you any good. Trust me; I lived both sides of this issue. Good luck.