My bf's bestfriend is a girl he slept with& now she is always demanding his attention

[Analyticalhope]

This is the first time I have every posted on a forum, which I think illustrates my confusion and desparation. I know it is a bit long, but please help.

 

My bf and I were and still are both part of a big close group of friends (about 10 people) at university. We were teased about having feelings for each other for about 2months before we actually got together as neither of us wanted to risk damaging our fantastic friendship at first. He eventually asked me out and we have been together now for 3-4months. He really cares for me and is a really good guy and I am addicted to him, but... We have a mutual friend - I'll call her Zoe, who is ruining our relationship. She lived in the same shared house as my bf last year, and they are very close. She is one of his "best friends" and I felt a bit weird about it all as I know that he use to tell her everything, his concerns, about past girlfriends, about whether he should ask me out. He felt that he wasn't good enough for me.

 

I was close to her too, sharing the same friends and we study the same subject and rely on each other to help with work. She encouraged me to admit that I liked my bf. However, ever since me and my bf got together, she has become manipulative, attention-seeking and difficult. About 1month into our relationship, my bf admitted that him and Zoe had slept together a few times in the past, but that it was always agreed on as being only casual sex and that they agreed to stop about 1month before he asked me out. He insists that it was never a relationship and only ever a mutual agreement to be fwb, and that I mean the world to him. She has started texting him all the time, demanding that he spends time with her and proves he still cares for her.

 

She'll send texts saying she "really needs him to come now", and he'll leave me to go see her as he doesn't want to upset her as he says he is afraid of her taking it out on me, especially as I've been ill and need her help with work, or he is afraid of her making life difficult for us at uni. He knows how much things are beginning to hurt me, and says he is going to talk to her and tell her to stop, but this has been going on for 2 months now, and although I know that he has tried talking to her and he thinks he cares for me and that he is trying to do the right thing, I'm beginning to wonder whether he will always be at her beck and call.

 

I love the fact that he is a good person and just trying to keep everyone happy and that he wants us all to be friends, but the situation is still hurting me. It makes me feel insecure, and tired of feeling like I'm second in his priorities even if he says he is trying to appease her for my sake. Don't understand why Zoe is acting this way? She can have times when I feel like things are normal and friendly between us and other days where she disagrees with everything I say and seems to try to undermine anything I say about my bf as though trying to prove she knows him better than me.

 

She is ruining our relationship, as she reduces the amount of time we have for each other and makes me tense up if he gets a text when he is with me because I worry that it will be from her and that he will have to dash off. Walking back from a club, she took his arm, and I felt like I couldn't walk with them. I'm afraid of visiting his room, incase she is there when I drop in and I will feel awkward and like I am the one interrupting.

 

I don't want to hand out ultimatums of dating me or friends with her, especially as he claims he is trying to fix everthing. But it is especially hard as he is my first bf, and she has had intimate conversations with him and sex with him before me, things which I consider of sacral importance, yet he claims they have only ever been friends. I would count her as being an ex-girlfriend of his, not a friend. I'm tired and don't know what to do about it all. I feel like I have lost her as a friend and that she has never truely been honest with me anyway. I look at old photos and wonder when exactly they slept together. No one in the group of friends knows that they slept together.

 

I trust my bf, but I think he tells me white lies to hide the whole extent of her manipulative behaviour as he knows how much it upsets me. I don't understand why she is acting this way. I just feel so insecure. I'm really different to her. How can I be what he wants? How do I lay down some ground-rules about Zoe without sounding as demanding as her? Why does she make me feel so insecure? Why does the thought of her make me feel so angry and confused?

Edited December 12, 2009 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[freestyle]

Your bf and you both need to set firm boundaries about where friends fit in, in the scheme of things.

 

The next time he wants to rush off to spend time with her, when you and he are on a date, flat-out ask him, 'Who are you in a relationship with?"

 

If he's serious about making it work with you, he'll put you first.Don't be afraid to let him know that you feel disrespected when he does that.

[Analyticalhope]

Thanks for replying Freestyle. I thought about doing this, but it feels so harsh. He genuinely seems to be trying to fix things and is always so appologetic when he has to leave, almost like he is asking my permission. I feel like I would just be making things more difficult, which is why up til now I have told him I'm unhappy and then let him leave to check on her. He always comes back to me straight afterwards, even if it is late at night - I like him to wake me up. But I thought things would get better and yet it has been 2months. I'm not sure how much more I can take. It just makes me feel so confused and insecure and angry whenever I think about the situation. I told him to just leave and get out once when I was getting really frustrated and he went and sat outside my door until I came outside. It is hard to be angry at him when he is around just because I am so happy to actually have some time with him and he seems to feel so guilty for the situation. I don't know how to make Zoe act normal. I feel like I can't confront Zoe about it, as it feels like it is an issue between him and her, which can sometimes make me feel really isolated.

I don't understand why Zoe is making things so difficult? She has no rights over my bf. Why is she acting this way?

Edited December 11, 2009 by Analyticalhope

[freestyle]

Why is she acting this way? Some possibilities:

 

1. She's still romantically interested in your bf.

 

2.She's not romantically interested in your bf, but is afraid of losing the friendship with him, hence the territorial behaviors she's exhibiting.(grabbing his arm as you all walked out of a club together was highly inappropriate of her......the body language speaks volumes....)

 

Your bf needs to lay it on the line with her. If she's truly a friend, she would be supportive and respectful of his happiness.

 

And you need to be very firm with him about respecting your quality time

together as a couple. Him rushing off to her 'rescue' when it's supposed to be an evening for just the two of you is unacceptable, unless there's a bonafide emergency.He's a big boy, he can learn to say, 'sorry, I'm busy tonight."

 

It sounds like you're fairly new to relationships, didn't you say he was your first bf? Here's a nugget of wisdom to keep in mind:

 

If you permit it, you promote it.

 

There's nothing harsh at all about expecting to be your bf's first priority.

and , in my experience, men will have more respect for you when you make your boundaries clear.

[Analyticalhope]

Thank you for replying to me Freestyle. You really are helping me sort some of this out in my head.

 

Up to now he has seem truely concerned of what the consequences would be to me if he did make a stand against Zoe, as I study with Zoe. He didn't want her to become even more openly aggressive with me or to not help me with notes as I've been ill. Zoe seems to treat me normally unless my bf is about or unless I mention my bf in the conversation. I should be able to talk about my bf to her. She use to be a close friend. But she does cross boundaries, you are right Freestyle. Especially taking his arm coming out of the club. I mean to passer-by it would look like the 2 of them were together. Rest of our group of friends are unaware of what is going on or how Zoe is acting towards me and my bf sometimes, which I think might be making it harder to take a stance against her. I don't want the rest of the group knowing that Zoe and my bf has casual sex on multiple occassions before he started dating me.

 

My bf says he is going to try talking to her about it all this Sunday. He has travelled up to see her on her birthday. About 5 friends of the group are going too. I didn't want to go, as I was sick of her always being the centre of attention and it is a long way for me to travel and I'll get to see my bf on 20th Dec anyway as he is coming to stay. It feels weird knowing he is going to see her, but logically it will give him a good opportunity to lay it all out to her the morning after her birthday before he leaves. He said this way he can confront her about it all and give her a few weeks to get her head together before we have to be all together again at uni. It has put me on edge though him being there for her birthday because it just feels like she has got her own way again! I'm just afraid that he won't be harsh enough with her, she'll throw a tantrum and nothing will have changed when I see her again in January.

 

Yes, this is my first relationship. I don't want to be as demanding and as dictating as Zoe. So you don't think it is inappropriate of me to tell him what to do or who he can and can't be friends with?

[freestyle]

here's a link to a similar story: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t201311/

[freestyle]

It is inappropriate for you to tell him what to do.

It's not inappropriate for you to tell him how his actions make you feel.

 

If you tell someone what to do, you'll often get a knee-jerk reaction of rebelling.

 

If you approach by saying, " I feel hurt when you do x,y, or z." , you respect his right to make his own decisions, but you're making him aware of where you stand.

 

Is there any possibility that you can find a new study partner?

[Analyticalhope]

No I can't really find a new study partner, and even if I could I can't avoid her. She is one of the main people in the group of friends, for example, she tends to be in charge of organising the shared meals at the weekend as we all cook together as a big group. Besides I used to be good friends with her. It is sad that she is making me feel so resentful towards her and like I can't trust anything she says. She tries to stir things up, by telling me things like she has had quite a few guys and one told her she is "the best he ever had". She told me that before my bf told me that him and her used to have casual sex, but when she told me she knew that he was going to tell me about their history. How did she think such comments would make me feel?!

 

I have done that technique with my bf of saying when you do x it makes be feel hurt/abandoned/awkard... or when she does x... I told him about "best ever had comment" and he admitted that it was him that said that about her, but that it really didn't matter and that he and her would never have worked together actually dating and that he wants to be with me. I lack self-confidence I guess.

 

I can try to get notes off someone else I guess, but we would still be walking to lectures together, eating together, preparing for tutorials together... Zoe is in my life and in his. I just don't know how to enforce new boundaries. Neither does he really. I worried that she'll just explode when he tries to confront her on Sunday and nothing will really change. It makes me feel so powerless.

[freestyle]

It sounds to me like she's one of these "queen bee' types who needs to be the center of attention, and wants to have a guy (or two) handy on the back-burner as a "fall-back" guy. It's all about validating her own ego.....

 

If avoidance is not an option, then hold your head up, and don't let her try to bait you. Essentially she's acting like a petulant child, acting out when she doesn't get her way.If you can , try to view her from that angle.Remind yourself that you're above that, and it will help to boost your confidence.

 

remind yourself, that he chose you.

 

I'm wondering if confrontation is a good idea after all. If she's a controlling personality, which it sounds like, it could escalate into retaliation.

It might be best in this scenario, for your bf to make a statement through his actions.....not responding to her every text, being busy/unavailable

when she makes demands on his time, and absolutely not discussing your

relationship issues with her.......(cuz, it's really none of her business, after all)

 

(essentially, the "polite' blow-off)

 

I'm gonna link you to another article that I'd highly recommend reading.

There's also a lot of good related articles when you scroll down to the bottom.

 

http://www.wikihow.com/Recognize-a-Manipulative-or-Controlling-Relationship

[Analyticalhope]

Thank you so much for all your help. It is so good of you taking the time to reply to me like this. I will read the related articles.

 

Your right though about being concerned of confrontation escalating into retaliation. That's why we've been kind of slow confronting her about it all head on. My bf has had words with her before, but things escalate or quieten down for a day maybe before returning to being an issue once again. Then again it has been nearly 2months of me taking the high ground and that has not got us anywhere, and if he plays the busy card she tends to see right through it and lose it with him. He use to be worried about losing her if he argued too much but not it is mainly that he is worried about the consequences on me if things do escalate. I truely don't know what to do about it all and it is constantly stressing me. I tired of her constantly getting her own way. It is hard to cut her off completely because of the group of friends we all share. Me and my bf have a right to be happy!

 

Do you think he shouldn't confront her on Sunday then? If not what should we do?

 

Thanks for all the help. It feels so good to be able to talk it all through with someone.

[freestyle]

After thinking about it, I still don't think confrontation is a good idea,

considering the circumstances.

 

Your bf should continue the "polite indifference"....if she yells about it, he can respond by saying, "sorry you feel that way". It sounds like he's not very good at being assertive himself.........maybe you could forward him the last link I sent you.

 

In the meantime, keep your eyes open for an alternative person to help you with studies, there's got to be someone else you can ask.