Can someone explain to me why it hurts so bad?

[xoxo88]

My current ex dumped me more than 7 months ago. All these time i've been just miserable. I got to the point where i don't love him anymore. At least that's what i think (or what i want to believe). He's got another girlfriend and he's very happy with her, all his time revolves around her. Whaterver. But if i don't love him anymore why does it hurt so bad to know that he's so in love with her? Is it because i still care and i don't even realize it or is it just anger that he dumped me and i never received all that love from him?

[thats what i said]

My current ex dumped me more than 7 months ago. All these time i've been just miserable. I got to the point where i don't love him anymore. At least that's what i think (or what i want to believe). He's got another girlfriend and he's very happy with her, all his time revolves around her. Whaterver. But if i don't love him anymore why does it hurt so bad to know that he's so in love with her? Is it because i still care and i don't even realize it or is it just anger that he dumped me and i never received all that love from him?

 

You get to the point where you don't love him anymore? Hello? This is a good thing! But, you say that it hurts to know that he loves her. Are you sure you don't still love him? If you truly "stopped loving" him or stopped being infatuated, you will usually STOP CARING whether he's dating someone else. Usually, if the break up was somewhat amicable, you might even wind up being happy for him!

 

I know people can go for months and years before getting over a break up. Some never get over them, but for god's sake, for your own sake, find someone else to occupy all of your attention. Find a hobby, go back to school.

 

Personally, it's been just a few weeks and I'm still hurting but I am jumping back into the dating game, hoping to find someone who will make me completely forget. And I continually try to stay busy so I never have time to just sit and think about him.

 

As hard as it is, just MOVE ON.

[Zansatsu]

My current ex dumped me more than 7 months ago. All these time i've been just miserable.

 

It once took me two years to get over an ex. The neurochemistry (I'm not trained in this field, I just Google a lot) of love is that you have a chemical called Oxytocin that is released when you bond with someone. The thing about it is that it can make you feel on top of the world, but once you end it, the source of your 'Oxytocin generation' is gone. You are going through withdrawal. It is not unlike withdrawal from drugs of every kind and you crave it and want it and even believe that you need it. This is not to trivialize what you feel. On the contrary, you became very used to this person and now that you are out of the relationship, the slightest association, or anything that reminds you of them brings you back to the feelings you once had but are now gone.

 

The world would seem very sharp and jagged to me after a break-up. Everything felt like a constant reminder of them and I actually had to seek therapy and anti-depressants to pull myself out of my depression. I was consumed by thoughts of her and what used to be and I needed help to break myself out of the cycle. The biggest thing I learned was that when I found myself dwelling, I had to purposely force myself to get out. I found that the two biggest things that helped me cope and let go were being around my loved-ones and learning, through therapy, that the only thing that matters is this moment, right now. The past is a memory, the future doesn't exist, so the only thing I can do is make the most of right now.

 

My point is that I had to learn to stop looking for information about my ex and find things that made me happy. I cut off all communication. Stopped talking to her, deleted her from my social profiles, my instant messenger, my phone, and put away everything that reminded me of her. The more I looked at her life, the more angry, lonely, and depressed I became. You are not inferior because the relationship didn't work. If he has moved on, you have no choice but to do so, but for yourself. Everything you feel right now is ok as you are still able to find some sources of enjoyment for yourself.

 

If you are feeling constantly numb or always sad, no matter what you try and you have lost interest in everything you used to love doing, you are exhibiting signs of depression and I would seek professional advice. All I can do here is offer support, but you need to do what is best for you and find the best soultion for you. Remember, you are not alone: no matter how lonely, miserable, dark, and down you feel.

 

I got to the point where i don't love him anymore. At least that's what i think (or what i want to believe). He's got another girlfriend and he's very happy with her, all his time revolves around her. Whaterver. But if i don't love him anymore why does it hurt so bad to know that he's so in love with her? Is it because i still care and i don't even realize it or is it just anger that he dumped me and i never received all that love from him?

 

I'm of the personal belief that whether we like it or not, we do still care deeply for these people, no matter how horribly they've treated us. This is not to say that you deserved his treatment or that he is/was, by any means, healthy or healthy for you. If I were in his position and I knew you were upset, I wouldn't talk to you out of sheer courtesy so that you would heal. I would cut ties with him all together and stop looking at him and his life. If he is flaunting it, it's not fair to you for him to continue to make his presence known. Also, it is not fair to yourself to compare yourself to his current relationship. You should be proud of who you are as a person and realize your worth. You are worth it. You are a good person. You know these things.

 

Sometimes relationships don't work out, but we often get stuck asking ourselves 'why did this fail?' or 'what could I have done differently?' or 'what does my ex see in that person and why wasn't it me?' These questions are unanswerable. They always will be. I had to learn to accept that I will never know. But the hardest thing for me to accept was that I am still a lovable, decent, and honest person who cares and wants more out of life. I learned to stop beating myself up and just live right now, right here and I've let go of regret. Besides, as deep as you hurt right now, wouldn't you want someone who has your emotional depth and returns your feelings just as deeply? You deserve someone better.

 

I hope this helped and please feel free to continue venting. And also remember, you are allowed to cry, grieve, and mourn. I've even had a mini-funeral for an ex. They weren't really dead, nor did I want to harm them in any way, but the person I thought I loved, died to me. There are many ways to get things off your chest. Often times, writing a letter and never sending it helps. Some people prefer to confront, but this can be ugly and unsatisfying. I prefer to write a letter to them, telling them everything I feel and then burn the letter (safely in the fireplace) and watch it burn. You'd be surprised at how therapeutic this is.

 

Keep talking to us. *hugs*

Edited December 11, 2009 by Zansatsu

[streetlamp]

It really hurts to feel replaced, even if you were the one who ended it. But all that you're feeling is normal. Maybe you were moving forward but then got news about the new girlfriend, which took you a couple of steps back. It will get easier; promise.

[RedDevil66]

The best way to get over anyone is no contact. If you still have contact, you'll always be hurting

[professorTR]

I can relate XOXO...I know for me it seems to be not so much that I don't love my wife anymore, but that she doesn't love me. I guess you can say it's that need to feel needed. Do you think you could be experiencing something similar in that you don't love him anymore, but can't stand the fact that he is giving love to someone else?

[grfins]

Thanks for the insight and advice. When you say 2 years though I almost want to end it now after only 3 months of anguish. It might take me that long after a 20 yr marriage but its hard to bear the thought of feeling like this for years to come. It is good to hear from people like you who have come out the other side and what helped you get there. Thanks

 

It once took me two years to get over an ex. The neurochemistry (I'm not trained in this field, I just Google a lot) of love is that you have a chemical called Oxytocin that is released when you bond with someone. The thing about it is that it can make you feel on top of the world, but once you end it, the source of your 'Oxytocin generation' is gone. You are going through withdrawal. It is not unlike withdrawal from drugs of every kind and you crave it and want it and even believe that you need it. This is not to trivialize what you feel. On the contrary, you became very used to this person and now that you are out of the relationship, the slightest association, or anything that reminds you of them brings you back to the feelings you once had but are now gone.

 

The world would seem very sharp and jagged to me after a break-up. Everything felt like a constant reminder of them and I actually had to seek therapy and anti-depressants to pull myself out of my depression. I was consumed by thoughts of her and what used to be and I needed help to break myself out of the cycle. The biggest thing I learned was that when I found myself dwelling, I had to purposely force myself to get out. I found that the two biggest things that helped me cope and let go were being around my loved-ones and learning, through therapy, that the only thing that matters is this moment, right now. The past is a memory, the future doesn't exist, so the only thing I can do is make the most of right now.

 

My point is that I had to learn to stop looking for information about my ex and find things that made me happy. I cut off all communication. Stopped talking to her, deleted her from my social profiles, my instant messenger, my phone, and put away everything that reminded me of her. The more I looked at her life, the more angry, lonely, and depressed I became. You are not inferior because the relationship didn't work. If he has moved on, you have no choice but to do so, but for yourself. Everything you feel right now is ok as you are still able to find some sources of enjoyment for yourself.

 

If you are feeling constantly numb or always sad, no matter what you try and you have lost interest in everything you used to love doing, you are exhibiting signs of depression and I would seek professional advice. All I can do here is offer support, but you need to do what is best for you and find the best soultion for you. Remember, you are not alone: no matter how lonely, miserable, dark, and down you feel.

 

 

 

I'm of the personal belief that whether we like it or not, we do still care deeply for these people, no matter how horribly they've treated us. This is not to say that you deserved his treatment or that he is/was, by any means, healthy or healthy for you. If I were in his position and I knew you were upset, I wouldn't talk to you out of sheer courtesy so that you would heal. I would cut ties with him all together and stop looking at him and his life. If he is flaunting it, it's not fair to you for him to continue to make his presence known. Also, it is not fair to yourself to compare yourself to his current relationship. You should be proud of who you are as a person and realize your worth. You are worth it. You are a good person. You know these things.

 

Sometimes relationships don't work out, but we often get stuck asking ourselves 'why did this fail?' or 'what could I have done differently?' or 'what does my ex see in that person and why wasn't it me?' These questions are unanswerable. They always will be. I had to learn to accept that I will never know. But the hardest thing for me to accept was that I am still a lovable, decent, and honest person who cares and wants more out of life. I learned to stop beating myself up and just live right now, right here and I've let go of regret. Besides, as deep as you hurt right now, wouldn't you want someone who has your emotional depth and returns your feelings just as deeply? You deserve someone better.

 

I hope this helped and please feel free to continue venting. And also remember, you are allowed to cry, grieve, and mourn. I've even had a mini-funeral for an ex. They weren't really dead, nor did I want to harm them in any way, but the person I thought I loved, died to me. There are many ways to get things off your chest. Often times, writing a letter and never sending it helps. Some people prefer to confront, but this can be ugly and unsatisfying. I prefer to write a letter to them, telling them everything I feel and then burn the letter (safely in the fireplace) and watch it burn. You'd be surprised at how therapeutic this is.

 

Keep talking to us. *hugs*

[Zansatsu]

Thanks for the insight and advice. When you say 2 years though I almost want to end it now after only 3 months of anguish. It might take me that long after a 20 yr marriage but its hard to bear the thought of feeling like this for years to come. It is good to hear from people like you who have come out the other side and what helped you get there. Thanks

 

I went through it for 2 years because in my most down and suicidal moments if had I thought that I would be feeling better like I am today, I would have recovered quicker. I don't want anyone to suffer like I did. I thought I was the only person on the planet suffering. For all intents and purposes, I felt like the walking dead. It wasn't until I started picking myself up and talking to others that I realized I was wrong. There was a steep learning curve but once I got it, I was a new person.

 

I'm very glad I could help you. Keep your head up!

[soheartbroken]

Zansatsu - your post is amazing. Thank you for taking the time to write that.

 

If I knew that I would come out of this just fine it would make it easier. But I don't like getting my hopes us, so I always anticipate the worst (probably something I picked up as a coping mechanism).

[Zansatsu]

Zansatsu - your post is amazing. Thank you for taking the time to write that.

 

If I knew that I would come out of this just fine it would make it easier. But I don't like getting my hopes us, so I always anticipate the worst (probably something I picked up as a coping mechanism).

 

That's something else I learned about myself in therapy.

 

I was deathly afraid of getting my hopes up, because I had the belief "Every time I think I'm doing well, something knocks me back down."

 

It's an automatic coping response we develop because we haven't dealt with pain from our past. We associate the possibility of failure with past events, so instead of risking being hurt, we risk our happiness instead. The only thing we can control for certain is our reactions. That doesn't mean it isn't going to hurt when something painful happens. It will. But we don't have to judge ourselves because of the pain.

 

To quote Charles R. Swindoll:

"Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it."

 

I create the world I live in based on my perceptions, but my perceptions can become skewed because of how I feel about things that happen to me. When my perceptions become painful, so does the world I live in. To break the cycle is to stop the warping of my perceptions based on old perceptions. In short, it's a vicious cycle that can be changed by me challenging my own perceptions and getting out of my comfort zone. I choose not to base my understanding of current happenings based on my past experience. I learned from my past but I learned not to feel my past, at least as far as pain is concerned. Again, it took therapy to get me here, but that is the basic premise.

 

The (wo)man is in the universe, and the universe is in the (wo)man.

 

I'm waxing philosophical now. I want to hear back from the OP... this is her thread!

[xoxo88]

Our relationship happened in a very inappropriate time. I was suffering from depression (you know what you've been through after the break up so i guess you know what it means) and the break up only made it worse. It changes you completely. It makes you a mess, you don't aprreciate anything in life. This made me act like a i was totally not interested in the relationship and it pretty much led to its end. At that time my mind was so messed up i didn't even know why we broke up because i knew very well how i felt for him, i knew that i apreciated and respected him, but i missed out on one thing: i wasn't acting in such a way to show what i was feeling. Now i know what i did wrong. Besides the fact that i had no clue to why he left me i also found out that he had told somebody else we had already broken up before he gave me "the big news". It just ripped apart. I posted a thread about the way i was acting to understand my part of the blame and someone said i wasn't even his grilfriend because you can't call that a girlfriend . Ok now i get it. I kinda sucked. The fact that our relationship happened at the wrong time made me wonder so many times that inevitable question: "what if....?". At some point i decided that i wanted him back but the depression wasn't fully gone and i wasn't ready. During those times you're not ready to face strong challanges like that. What if i broke down in front of him? So no, it wasn't a good idea. Now he's got another girlfriend and he seems very happy with her and there's nothing left for me to do but to accept that it's over, even though it's not easy. Maybe there is also guilt that's killing me. Guilt that i never did anything to get him back while he was still single, and now there's nothing left to do. Funnhy thing is that i don't believe that getting back with an ex is impossible when it comes to other people but i do think it is impossible when it comes to me. After all you can never know until you try it. There is also doubt about getting back with him because of telling someone alse that we were not together anymore before the break up happened. I don't know if i could ever trust him again. That's obviously lying, betrayal, etc. It was a surprise for me because i never thought he could do that. We met once to talk about our relationship and he told me how he felt neglected, that i didn't put enough effort into it. After that the truth is nothing changed. I don't know if that nasty thing he did was becuase of me considering that he told me how he felt and i did nothing differently or just because he's just that...a liar, traitor, bla bla?

They say after you break up you get to know their true colors. We spoke a couple of times after we broke up and he was really nice. I mean it wasn't like we were overjoyed to hear about one another but we had a decent conversation. Oh did a mention that i sent him a bithcy message after the break up calling him names? I was definately not sane:p. I apologized for that and had a decent conversation afterwards. The fact the he was ok talking to me even after that and that sh*tty thing he did before the break up gets me confused. I don't know how he really is. Is he worth trying to be friends at least or let him go forever?

Man this is long. I think i should end it here. Sorry for borring you for so long.

[Zansatsu]

I apologized for that and had a decent conversation afterwards. The fact the he was ok talking to me even after that and that sh*tty thing he did before the break up gets me confused. I don't know how he really is. Is he worth trying to be friends at least or let him go forever?

 

And it sounds like this confusion is what is leading you to be down. He complicates your life now and being friends with him, at least how it sounds, would just add to your hurt and continue this unhealthy cycle you are in. I would cut ties with him all together and learn to get back to being comfortable with your life, without any of his influence. He betrayed your trust and that is a death knell for any relationship. Once trust is gone, it is very difficult to regain. He made his decision before consulting you which means his feelings had changed and he never gave you any indication that that was the case. I would say that that is not even a trait worthy of a friend. You need someone who is going to be upfront with you about everything.

 

 

Man this is long. I think i should end it here. Sorry for borring you for so long.

 

Stop apologizing, you are well within your rights to speak your mind. I'm glad you responded so I could continue speaking with you. Keep your head up, hun.

[xoxo88]

Reading this it only made me feel worse. Anyone can play me and i won't even realize it. Just great.

[Zansatsu]

Reading this it only made me feel worse. Anyone can play me and i won't even realize it. Just great.

 

Where are you reading this? If I've lead you to believe this, that was not my intention. Please quote what lead you to this perception?

[xoxo88]

The fact that he betrayed me makes me feel low about myself. A wise woman wouldn't get caught in something like this.

[tVII]

you're human and you're more normal than you think you are.

 

i recently faced your questions:

 

"how could someone who loved me, not love me anymore"

"its unbelievable that she would do this-not the girl i knew"

"I dont believe it, there has to be a SHRED of compassion for me somewhere. I won't give up that hope!"

 

unfortunately, we must see our ex's for who they are right now. and in the present. it is not good. its time to make the decision:

 

to start making steps forwards and try our best to not look back.

[xoxo88]

I know we can't control what other people do, but we can keep them away from us when they are no good for us. It looks like i wasn't smart enough to see what was going on and walk away. I guess i still need some time to get over this and learn from it.

[Zansatsu]

I know we can't control what other people do, but we can keep them away from us when they are no good for us. It looks like i wasn't smart enough to see what was going on and walk away. I guess i still need some time to get over this and learn from it.

 

I will reiterate...

 

You are not inferior because the relationship didn't work. This means that you are not a fool, you are not less of a human being, and you are not stupid.

 

Why does the sun rise in the morning? It just happens. I'm not trying to trivialize anything you are saying when I say this. Everything in life is a learning experience and I remember feeling so naive that she made me break up with her because that's what she wanted. Then when I wanted her back, she turned it back around on me and told me, "Well that's stupid, you are the one that broke up with me." For years, I never understood it. I judged myself for that and carried that with me. I finally let it go and realized that it's not my fault. Don't blame yourself for the relationship ending.

 

I'm not saying anything about what you should have done. I am only giving you advice about right now. That's all. Relationships just happen.

Edited December 13, 2009 by Zansatsu

[xoxo88]

Some relationships are meant to be, some of them aren't, and some of them end because of stupid reasons. I guess i'll never know what could have been. I don't blame myself entirely for the break up because it takes two to keep a relationship working, but after a failed relationship you know that feeling because you've been through this too. It does make you feel low about yourself, you feel that you've failed somehow. It takes some time but more important, it takes effort to leave those negative feelings behind and become a whole person again. Right now i'm trying to understand what happend because i wanna learn something from this experience and hopefully avoid the same situation in the future. It's part of moving on. I won't let it go until i know what and why went wrong. Hopefully afterwards i'll move on with my life peacefully.

[Odyssey]

Those never ending questions. The why? the how? and what ifs? OP you'll never be satisfied with all the answers either. Most of the time you won't find an answer. All these feelings are completely normal considering it hasn't been that long for you - the wound is still fresh.

 

It basically comes down to...the wondering won't end because you haven't let go of him fully - yet. Sometimes we are in despair when the person we love leaves us, but the truth is, it's not our loss, but theirs, for they left the only person who couldn't give up on them.

 

However, you are right and smart. Learn from past mistakes, and avoid those pitfalls in the future. But don't look for black and white changes to occur. Instead, embrace the process of what happened, why it happened, and how your life is changing now, in order to make sure those old problems won't occur, or if they do, you'll handle them differently.

 

Take care of yourself.

[Justburself]

The best way to get over anyone is no contact. If you still have contact, you'll always be hurting

 

Word... Bottom line... The sooner you go strict NC, the sooner you get past the past. If you had no information in regards to how your ex's life was going ,your ignorance would be invaluable.