insecureeeyep Posted December 11, 2009 Posted December 11, 2009 I sometimes snoop. No good. My boyfriend knows this and says if I need to to go ahead. I try not to, and haven't for a while. Today I broke and looked at his history. He visited his ex's FB profile like 3 or 4 times yesterday. It's private so he can't really see anything. Wtf? Also, I looked on his old computer he uses for music stuff, and found naked pictures of her. Gross. What do I do? And yes, I know I have to stop snooping. Sigh. I'm scared he still has feelings for her. He says he doesn't, but I don't know.
Juniper22 Posted December 11, 2009 Posted December 11, 2009 Maybe his ex's FB is not private for him to view. Is she in his friends list? Maybe its only showing private when you go to it because you're not in her friends list. Also if he says for you to go ahead and look because he knows you do, then maybe he doesn't care what you find, and maybe he feels he is doing nothing wrong.
JamesM Posted December 11, 2009 Posted December 11, 2009 Assuming the pictures are new (as in after the two of you have dated), I doubt she would be then on FaceBook. So, either he had them sent to him because he requested them, or she sent them without him requesting them. BUT...the assumption that they are newer is based on the idea that you have already checked the date that they were placed on his computer. And if they are new, then I guess this tests how open the two of you are. Can you tell him what you found, or will you keep this little secret and assume the worst?
Author insecureeeyep Posted December 11, 2009 Author Posted December 11, 2009 Maybe his ex's FB is not private for him to view. Is she in his friends list? Maybe its only showing private when you go to it because you're not in her friends list. Also if he says for you to go ahead and look because he knows you do, then maybe he doesn't care what you find, and maybe he feels he is doing nothing wrong. No, he unfriended a little bit into our relationship. He told me he has nothing to hide, so I think he just forgot they were there.
Author insecureeeyep Posted December 11, 2009 Author Posted December 11, 2009 Assuming the pictures are new (as in after the two of you have dated), I doubt she would be then on FaceBook. So, either he had them sent to him because he requested them, or she sent them without him requesting them. BUT...the assumption that they are newer is based on the idea that you have already checked the date that they were placed on his computer. And if they are new, then I guess this tests how open the two of you are. Can you tell him what you found, or will you keep this little secret and assume the worst? They are old. I told him when he called me. He said "Delete them." I said don't you want to? and he said no, that if I ever find naked photos of an ex I have full right to delete them. I did. He said after I was done going through his photos to stop going through his stuff please. So we have to talk when he gets back from work. I know it's wrong but I can't help myself. He's been really understanding with my anxiety and panic attacks so I feel horrible for snooping on him. I didn't mention the Facebook thing yet. I know he can't see her profile because he left himself logged in once and I went to her profile. I think he's starting to get fed up that I don't trust him 100% yet. We've been really good friends for years so I know way too much about his exes- we used to confide in each other when we were friends about our relationship issues. He's never been the type to cheat and he has been cheated on. I don't know. I'm scared there is still something there for this girl.
serialgf Posted December 11, 2009 Posted December 11, 2009 i am a recovering snooper and post about it alot. snooping/insecurity is a huge turnoff and if you keep it up it seems very likely your bf will get fed up with it.... you know, you don't always have to tell him what you found... that's what i have discovered and it has actually really helped me... i mean, he said if you want to snoop snoop so go ahead but every time you tell him about it it's like reminding him that you don't trust him and that's a turnoff, like i said - at least this is what i have experienced with my bf however, i must also say, that there is validity to your inkling that he might still be interested in his ex... i mean you must feel that for a reason other than snooping right? have you asked him about it? i would advise you to say to him, "i have this feeling that you're interested in your ex and i'm afraid you still think of her/long for her. is that true?" and see what he says. you don't need to tell him you looked at his history.... that would be my approach given all i've experienced/learned...
Author insecureeeyep Posted December 11, 2009 Author Posted December 11, 2009 i am a recovering snooper and post about it alot. snooping/insecurity is a huge turnoff and if you keep it up it seems very likely your bf will get fed up with it.... you know, you don't always have to tell him what you found... that's what i have discovered and it has actually really helped me... i mean, he said if you want to snoop snoop so go ahead but every time you tell him about it it's like reminding him that you don't trust him and that's a turnoff, like i said - at least this is what i have experienced with my bf however, i must also say, that there is validity to your inkling that he might still be interested in his ex... i mean you must feel that for a reason other than snooping right? have you asked him about it? i would advise you to say to him, "i have this feeling that you're interested in your ex and i'm afraid you still think of her/long for her. is that true?" and see what he says. you don't need to tell him you looked at his history.... that would be my approach given all i've experienced/learned... Thanks for your input! What made you snoop, if I may ask? I've definitely held onto stuff I've found but it always burns away at me. I just need to stop snooping. I've asked him about it before, and he says he doesn't have feelings for her, but I don't know... I will definitely talk to him about it again. I'm in therapy as well to deal with my issues. He talks to me about marriage all the time and children and he MEANS it and is serious about it. If he has any inkling of feelings for her I would rather him not talk like that. Argh. Jealousy is a big hairy beast.
Miad's Princess Posted December 11, 2009 Posted December 11, 2009 I told him when he called me. He said "Delete them." I said don't you want to? and he said no, I know he was happy for you to delete them but what concerns me is when he said no he didn't want too? If I was you I would have left them and let him do it, that way you would know if he really wanted them there. As for the facebook thing, and you wondering about his feelings for her. When did they break up? If it was recent maybe he does still have some form of feelings toward her. It would be a natural thing depending on the extent. Talk to him about it.
Author insecureeeyep Posted December 11, 2009 Author Posted December 11, 2009 I know he was happy for you to delete them but what concerns me is when he said no he didn't want too? If I was you I would have left them and let him do it' date=' that way you would know if he really wanted them there.[/quote'] I had asked him if he wanted to come home and look through them first before they were deleted and he said that he didn't need to look at them and just delete them. As for when they broke up- they broke up in April. I know that when we were first dating they were still texting each other and I got really mad and upset and he snapped out of it and cut the ****. That time was confusing for the both of us. I guess that's why I am suspicious of him still even though that time is over. It "got the ball rolling" I suppose.
serialgf Posted December 11, 2009 Posted December 11, 2009 how long have you been dating him? how long did he and his ex date? your concerns may be legit but having feelings for someone and wanting to be with them are two separate things... you said she's not even his friend anymore.. maybe he does miss her a bit at times, but who are you to control that you know? i mean, i guess you have to be willing to be a little realistic about the fact that he's human and if they were in love or dated for a long time thinking of her from time to time is only natural... that's why snooping is bad... because you begin to question every little thing.... and i would make an educated guess that if you continue to snoop and talk to him about it, eventually it will wear on him... from what you've posted so far it sounds like he's being pretty flexible and considerate of your feelings about your burning desire to talk to him about it, i know exactly that feeling and fighting that (by not talking about it) is exactly how i got better at not snooping / not having those suspicious feelings... its part of the road to snooping recovery in my experience to answer your question i snoop because my bf gave me his email password.. (i totally wish he hadn't) - he, like your bf, doesn't have anything to hide.... also, when we first started dating he used to talk about his ex ALL THE TIME b/c they dated for 8 YEARS! and had a very tumultuous/abusive relationship... he obviously still had feelings for her and that made me very insecure.... good luck! stay positive! sgf
Author insecureeeyep Posted December 12, 2009 Author Posted December 12, 2009 how long have you been dating him? how long did he and his ex date? your concerns may be legit but having feelings for someone and wanting to be with them are two separate things... you said she's not even his friend anymore.. maybe he does miss her a bit at times, but who are you to control that you know? i mean, i guess you have to be willing to be a little realistic about the fact that he's human and if they were in love or dated for a long time thinking of her from time to time is only natural... that's why snooping is bad... because you begin to question every little thing.... and i would make an educated guess that if you continue to snoop and talk to him about it, eventually it will wear on him... from what you've posted so far it sounds like he's being pretty flexible and considerate of your feelings about your burning desire to talk to him about it, i know exactly that feeling and fighting that (by not talking about it) is exactly how i got better at not snooping / not having those suspicious feelings... its part of the road to snooping recovery in my experience to answer your question i snoop because my bf gave me his email password.. (i totally wish he hadn't) - he, like your bf, doesn't have anything to hide.... also, when we first started dating he used to talk about his ex ALL THE TIME b/c they dated for 8 YEARS! and had a very tumultuous/abusive relationship... he obviously still had feelings for her and that made me very insecure.... good luck! stay positive! sgf I have been dating him for 7 months and we've been really good friends for 3 years. He and his ex dated for a little under two years. He really is considerate of my feelings. My rational side knows to chill the **** out but my irrational side goes crazy. I asked him if he had any lingering feelings in a totally calm and non judgmental way and he told me that he misses her as a friend but not a girlfriend. He said they weren't right for each other and I should believe him when he tells me that our relationship is the best he's ever had and that he can completely be himself around me. He asked me why I was asking him that and I said "Well..." and was about to bring up the FB profile looking and he laughed and said that he had "set a trap." to see if I was still snooping on him. He said he was going to bring it up until I mentioned the naked photos so he thought I hadn't seen it. I believed him at the time but it sounds sort of stupid. He said he looked at her profile photos. I don't know, I think something might still be there but he insists there isn't. How do you let go the nagging feeling? I totally want to check on his email right now but I've been stopping myself. He left his computer out this morning and I wanted to snoop then. He and I switched lap tops because I have garage band on my computer and he doesn't. He still doesn't care if I use his lap top. So. Yeah. I'm trying to chill out and stop thinking he's going to leave me for her or someone else. He told me he's never going to leave me and that I'm stuck with him. Hahaha. Thanks for your advice.
D-Lish Posted December 12, 2009 Posted December 12, 2009 Even the most patient of individuals will grow tired of constant suspicion and snooping. I'd caution you to get a handle on your snooping obsession before you drive a wedge between the two of you. You WILL eventually drive him away if you continue with this kind of behaviour. Have you thought about seeing a counsellor?
Author insecureeeyep Posted December 12, 2009 Author Posted December 12, 2009 Even the most patient of individuals will grow tired of constant suspicion and snooping. I'd caution you to get a handle on your snooping obsession before you drive a wedge between the two of you. You WILL eventually drive him away if you continue with this kind of behaviour. Have you thought about seeing a counsellor? Oh yes. I've seen one in the past and I am currently seeing one. I have very low self esteem and very high anxiety. And I know that I will eventually drive him away. I'm trying to stop it.
You'reasian Posted December 12, 2009 Posted December 12, 2009 - we used to confide in each other when we were friends about our relationship issues. He's never been the type to cheat and he has been cheated on. I don't know. I'm scared there is still something there for this girl. There you go. He's never been the type to cheat. Doesn't mean he won't, but from what you know he would resist the temptation. That should give you confidence
Author insecureeeyep Posted December 12, 2009 Author Posted December 12, 2009 There you go. He's never been the type to cheat. Doesn't mean he won't' date=' but from what you know he would resist the temptation. That should give you confidence [/quote'] Thanks for quoting that.
D-Lish Posted December 12, 2009 Posted December 12, 2009 Oh yes. I've seen one in the past and I am currently seeing one. I have very low self esteem and very high anxiety. And I know that I will eventually drive him away. I'm trying to stop it. That's good you are seeing someone. Suspicion is a learned response, so "unlearning" it will take time. I have jealousy issues- I don't think they will ever go away. I have just learned not to react to them. It has taken time- I have a process of talking myself down when I start to feel a reaction coming on. I had a first date with a guy last week, and he mentioned twice over the course of the night that he worked with a "ridiculously hot girl"... It enraged me on the inside, but I just talked myself out of reacting. You can't always control your feelings- but you have complete control over how you react to them. It just takes time and practice to learn how to keep your impulses in check. We're human right? We are not robots. Once you start mastering the self control, the feelings part of it will start to fall into place as well.
Author insecureeeyep Posted December 12, 2009 Author Posted December 12, 2009 That's good you are seeing someone. Suspicion is a learned response, so "unlearning" it will take time. I have jealousy issues- I don't think they will ever go away. I have just learned not to react to them. It has taken time- I have a process of talking myself down when I start to feel a reaction coming on. I had a first date with a guy last week, and he mentioned twice over the course of the night that he worked with a "ridiculously hot girl"... It enraged me on the inside, but I just talked myself out of reacting. You can't always control your feelings- but you have complete control over how you react to them. It just takes time and practice to learn how to keep your impulses in check. We're human right? We are not robots. Once you start mastering the self control, the feelings part of it will start to fall into place as well. I've been betrayed many times during my life by people who were supposed to be my closest friends so suspicion is just how my brain works. I trusted so many people blindly and I was hurt every time. I would have been mad about the mentioning of a ridiculously hot girl on a date for sure! I think that is just bad on his part, haha. I'm trying, and my boyfriend knows this, so I just gotta keep on trucking. Thanks for the advice
You'reasian Posted December 12, 2009 Posted December 12, 2009 (edited) I've been betrayed many times during my life by people who were supposed to be my closest friends so suspicion is just how my brain works. I trusted so many people blindly and I was hurt every time. I would have been mad about the mentioning of a ridiculously hot girl on a date for sure! I think that is just bad on his part, haha. I'm trying, and my boyfriend knows this, so I just gotta keep on trucking. Thanks for the advice Its good to keep your eyes and ears open when interacting with people but to give them some basic level of trust, even with gossip - unless given reason otherwise. Edited December 12, 2009 by You'reasian
boogieboy Posted December 12, 2009 Posted December 12, 2009 I think you should do an exercise with yourself. You might not be picturing what life would be like if he left you because of this. Picture the situation where you tell him again you were snooping in his stuff, well after he said to stop. Then he breaks it off with you because you couldnt help yourself. Do you think seeing past your actions will help you stop doing it? BTW if his ex didnt snoop on him, and this is really annoying to him, you could be driving him back to her arms...if he dumped her. Or someones arms. I dont know if hes over her or not, but he can never tell you that he isnt, cause then he loses leverage.
Author insecureeeyep Posted December 13, 2009 Author Posted December 13, 2009 Its good to keep your eyes and ears open when interacting with people but to give them some basic level of trust' date=' even with gossip - unless given reason otherwise.[/quote'] Good rule of thumb!
Author insecureeeyep Posted December 13, 2009 Author Posted December 13, 2009 I think you should do an exercise with yourself. You might not be picturing what life would be like if he left you because of this. Picture the situation where you tell him again you were snooping in his stuff, well after he said to stop. Then he breaks it off with you because you couldnt help yourself. Do you think seeing past your actions will help you stop doing it? BTW if his ex didnt snoop on him, and this is really annoying to him, you could be driving him back to her arms...if he dumped her. Or someones arms. I dont know if hes over her or not, but he can never tell you that he isnt, cause then he loses leverage. Yeah, I'll have to start doing that. I know of at least one instance where his ex did snoop on him- she read a chat between the two of us on FB after they were broken up- we were still friends at that point. I just hope he's telling the truth when he says he's over her.
dazzle22 Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 Your boyfriend sounds like one of the most transparent, longsuffering guys I have ever heard of. You need to understand that we all have people in our past that we have chosen to no longer see romantically but we are curious sometimes as to what has become of them. For example, I would NEVER get back together with my ex, but I occasionally check out his facebook page which is completely open, so I can now see he has a girlfriend and I checked this out, out of pure curiousity, but never ever would I want him back. My husband has seen me do this, and was a tad jealous, but I was transparent about it, and so is your boyfriend. There is no guarantee of anything in life. Chances are if your boyfriend wanted to cheat, and it sounds like he doesn't, he wouldn't use the internet...because you are all over it like flies on rice... Snooping is a way of getting a sense of CONTROL over something we are FEARFUL of. I have done my fair share too. If you realize that checking the internet will not in ANY WAY prevent cheating, perhaps you can curtail it? If not, perhaps you need to be on a medication for a short period of time. Sounds like this compulsive checking has become a bit obsessive...and OCD and anxiety are sisters....
torranceshipman Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 I had a first date with a guy last week, and he mentioned twice over the course of the night that he worked with a "ridiculously hot girl"... It enraged me on the inside, but I just talked myself out of reacting. To be fair D-Lish I think you'd have been right to get pissed. I don't think that'd be jealousy, it'd be self respect / need for good manners in a man (or similar) - I mean, what man is that poorly mannered that he'd mention a really hot woman that he works with TWICE on a first date?! Maybe that wouldn't bother some people but I think I'd lose interest in him because of it. Good manners and gentlemanly actions are HOT in my book
Author insecureeeyep Posted December 14, 2009 Author Posted December 14, 2009 Your boyfriend sounds like one of the most transparent, longsuffering guys I have ever heard of. You need to understand that we all have people in our past that we have chosen to no longer see romantically but we are curious sometimes as to what has become of them. For example, I would NEVER get back together with my ex, but I occasionally check out his facebook page which is completely open, so I can now see he has a girlfriend and I checked this out, out of pure curiousity, but never ever would I want him back. My husband has seen me do this, and was a tad jealous, but I was transparent about it, and so is your boyfriend. There is no guarantee of anything in life. Chances are if your boyfriend wanted to cheat, and it sounds like he doesn't, he wouldn't use the internet...because you are all over it like flies on rice... Snooping is a way of getting a sense of CONTROL over something we are FEARFUL of. I have done my fair share too. If you realize that checking the internet will not in ANY WAY prevent cheating, perhaps you can curtail it? If not, perhaps you need to be on a medication for a short period of time. Sounds like this compulsive checking has become a bit obsessive...and OCD and anxiety are sisters.... Thanks for the comment. I'm looking into medication to curb my panic attacks. As for snooping, I haven't done it in days. I've wanted to but haven't. My boyfriend again reiterated if I need to to go ahead but I don't want to keep doing this.
GiveAndTake Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 I sometimes snoop. No good. My boyfriend knows this and says if I need to to go ahead. I try not to, and haven't for a while. Today I broke and looked at his history. He visited his ex's FB profile like 3 or 4 times yesterday. It's private so he can't really see anything. Wtf? I have an ex on my FB as a friend and sometimes I view his profile. I have absolutely NO INTEREST in him romantically anymore. Sometimes I'm just curious about what he's been up to lately. I really wouldn't read too much into that. Also, I looked on his old computer he uses for music stuff, and found naked pictures of her. Gross. As far as the pictures, the computer is old. At the risk of supporting your snooping you could have, without opening them, right clicked and checked properties to see when they last accessed. What do I do? And yes, I know I have to stop snooping. Sigh. I'm scared he still has feelings for her. He says he doesn't, but I don't know. And yes, you need to stop snooping. It sounds to me as if both situations are innocent on his part.
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