Brightmoon Posted December 11, 2009 Posted December 11, 2009 If you are having and affair or involved with someone in a comitted relationship, do you wish you could turn back the clock and not get involved? I have read loads of threads here and read the heart break, guilt and suffering of people attached to someone they cannot be with fully. My own situation was that I chatted to a married man who I was yet to meet. It was an emotional affair I guess.... a wonderful, gentle man. His marriage was in trouble and he decided to pull the plug on our chats and put his all into it. Our conversations were totally innocent, but we chatted regularly and were getting fond of each other. He was funny, respectful, intelligent and supportive and just lovely....Witty... I was gutted when he told me we could not chat any more. But I think he did me a huge favour. Had we met and got more involved... it would have been unbearable for me to deal with the inevitable when it happened. So do you wish you could turn back the clock and pull the plug on a relationship with someone who is committed to someone else before things got really serious?
Boundary Problem Posted December 11, 2009 Posted December 11, 2009 I'm in a parallel situation, but the person's having health problems rather than it being "OW". I absolutely don't second-guess getting involved. I'm not looking for certainty in life. I'm looking for quality people that are like-minded. And I've found that, for as long as it lasts.
Author Brightmoon Posted December 11, 2009 Author Posted December 11, 2009 I'm in a parallel situation, but the person's having health problems rather than it being "OW". I absolutely don't second-guess getting involved. I'm not looking for certainty in life. I'm looking for quality people that are like-minded. And I've found that, for as long as it lasts. Thanks BP... yes.. I see what you mean.. I guess I am only seeing things form one angle. I would have loved to have that sort of relationship with the guy I chatted to... that was what I wanted more than anything. But he felt things were getting to the point where we getting too involved I guess.. and there was a crisis in his marriage... What you have sounds nice. Hope it keeps going well.
Boundary Problem Posted December 11, 2009 Posted December 11, 2009 What you have sounds nice. Hope it keeps going well. It will. I'm good for him, and he knows it. He'll never admit it. But he knows I'm good for him. But he says the most appalling things to me sometimes. If he was in town, I would know how to deal with it effectively, but LDR is always less flexible.
Author Brightmoon Posted December 11, 2009 Author Posted December 11, 2009 It will. I'm good for him, and he knows it. He'll never admit it. But he knows I'm good for him. But he says the most appalling things to me sometimes. If he was in town, I would know how to deal with it effectively, but LDR is always less flexible. It sounds like you have a mature grounded relationship. I am sure you are good for him. I hope he is equally as good for you BP (((Hug)))
Boundary Problem Posted December 11, 2009 Posted December 11, 2009 It sounds like you have a mature grounded relationship. I am sure you are good for him. I hope he is equally as good for you BP (((Hug))) There is something about knowing someone a long time. He understands me better than I know myself in some ways. And I have some issues and he is very supportive about them. So yes he is good for me. He doesn't take advantage of me - which says a lot about him. He is very protective. And he appreciates my brain, which is rare. So even though he can't give 100% because of his medical issues, him at 75% still is great. Plus he's getting better all the time.
MizFit Posted December 11, 2009 Posted December 11, 2009 If you are having and affair or involved with someone in a comitted relationship, do you wish you could turn back the clock and not get involved? I have read loads of threads here and read the heart break, guilt and suffering of people attached to someone they cannot be with fully. My own situation was that I chatted to a married man who I was yet to meet. It was an emotional affair I guess.... a wonderful, gentle man. His marriage was in trouble and he decided to pull the plug on our chats and put his all into it. Our conversations were totally innocent, but we chatted regularly and were getting fond of each other. He was funny, respectful, intelligent and supportive and just lovely....Witty... I was gutted when he told me we could not chat any more. But I think he did me a huge favour. Had we met and got more involved... it would have been unbearable for me to deal with the inevitable when it happened. So do you wish you could turn back the clock and pull the plug on a relationship with someone who is committed to someone else before things got really serious? No...I wouldn't change having had him in my life at all. As a matter of fact if I could change anything it'd be to enjoy our time together more and the few times we had words I'd never have allowed them to even remotely come between us. He's broken NC and at first it wasn't a huge issue...now I'm starting with some serious internal struggling. But...I still wouldn't change it.
OWoman Posted December 11, 2009 Posted December 11, 2009 So do you wish you could turn back the clock and pull the plug on a relationship with someone who is committed to someone else before things got really serious? Not at all! It turned my world upside down, took me across the planet and landed me i a whole different lifestyle - but my life with my H now is something I give thanks for, every day!
Author Brightmoon Posted December 11, 2009 Author Posted December 11, 2009 Quick note. I feel sad reading a lot of these. I know mine was not a real life relationship.. but we had such a strong connection. He is not in contact now because his marriage is in crisis. Wish we were still in contact. I guess it was wishful thinking that it was for the best. Dammit!! I want speak to him so badly.
Agent_99 Posted December 11, 2009 Posted December 11, 2009 If you are having and affair or involved with someone in a comitted relationship, do you wish you could turn back the clock and not get involved? I have read loads of threads here and read the heart break, guilt and suffering of people attached to someone they cannot be with fully. My own situation was that I chatted to a married man who I was yet to meet. It was an emotional affair I guess.... a wonderful, gentle man. His marriage was in trouble and he decided to pull the plug on our chats and put his all into it. Our conversations were totally innocent, but we chatted regularly and were getting fond of each other. He was funny, respectful, intelligent and supportive and just lovely....Witty... I was gutted when he told me we could not chat any more. But I think he did me a huge favour. Had we met and got more involved... it would have been unbearable for me to deal with the inevitable when it happened. So do you wish you could turn back the clock and pull the plug on a relationship with someone who is committed to someone else before things got really serious? I wouldn't go back. Despite all the heartbreak I went through, I am a better person for having known her. Like someone else said, she turned my world upside down and now I find myself in a life I'd never dreamed I could have. She believes in me, she supports my dreams and ambitions in a way that propels me forward towards them. The only think I would change, maybe, is the fact that I initiated the first dday. ~Agent
NowhereToHide Posted December 11, 2009 Posted December 11, 2009 I guess for me it really is a mixed bag. I have wished all along that I have never met him -- never felt what it was like to be with him, to have him love me like that. My life forever changed from my affair. I do realize that the pain that I went through with him was part of the catalyst for my changing. I needed to feel that. My xAP woke me up to the fact that I was sleepwalking through life. And he made me realize that I didn't want to do that anymore. So, somedays... when I still get really sad thinking about him, I wish more than anything that I had never reconnected with him. But other days, I am grateful for the chance he gave me to change myself and the life I'm living.
skylarblue Posted December 11, 2009 Posted December 11, 2009 So do you wish you could turn back the clock and pull the plug… No, I wouldn’t take back the A. My only regret is not ending after 3-4months like I initially intended.
WhereToGoFromHere Posted December 11, 2009 Posted December 11, 2009 Nope...I don't regret it. I do think, like MizFit says, I would've enjoyed the short few times we had together more and focused more on each other than all the destruction that would happen if we ever tried to make a life together. She taught me more about myself than I ever imagined and helped me figure out the things I've been missing. We both built each other up and we are both stronger, more confident people because of each other. Now that I feel that its coming to an end, it is gut wrenching and devastating to imagine going through life without her. I'm a better person because of it, which probably sounds kinda bad, but its true. I will always smile when I think about what this past year has meant to me.
White Flower Posted December 12, 2009 Posted December 12, 2009 So do you wish you could turn back the clock and pull the plug on a relationship with someone who is committed to someone else before things got really serious? Absolutely not!!! I have suffered a lot of painful ups and downs but deep love is worth it all!
Fallen Angel Posted December 12, 2009 Posted December 12, 2009 (edited) I am with the other posters here in that I would not give up my time with My MM, even knowing how painful it is for me sometimes. I have never loved or been loved like this before and I am glad that I have had the opportunity to learn what that feels like, and I am grateful to get to spend a part of my life with someone like him, even if I don't get to spend the REST of my life with him. Edited December 12, 2009 by Fallen Angel typo
hopeless4u Posted December 12, 2009 Posted December 12, 2009 xMM and myself had had this conversation so many times, we have both said if we knew this was how we would be feeling 2 yrs down the line we never would of stayed in touch. It would of saved so much pain on both sides. That said, I have such fantastic memories and have never felt love like it so I guess its a bit of both really.
lyadm Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 Brightmoon, I am sorry to hear about the pain you are feeling right now. In my situation I was the MW who made a friend that I developed feelings for. I have known him for 2 years, and up until a few weeks ago we had not seen each other except for the day we met. We talked a lot, some on the PC and some on the phone. He turned out to be my bestfriend. It wasn't easy at times because of the things I was going through with my marriage. I did not divorce because of him, we had actually had NC for the last nine months until I told him about my divorce. Since then we have saw each other and we are getting to know each other (not physically). So give it time, it may get easier before it gets better. I know what it is like to want to talk to HIM. Hang in there and focus your attention on positive things in your life and live each and every day to its fullest. Someday things may be different and much better.
sugarmomma Posted December 14, 2009 Posted December 14, 2009 I totally regret getting involved in someone ele's relationship. It was selfish and cruel. It caused a lot of pain to me, his w and his children. Sure we had some good times but it wasn't worth the pain that I put myself through. I deserve a love of my own and I would rather wait for that than to involve myself in another triangle. He gets two whole women and we get one quarter (or less) of a man. I don't think so! I'm too good for that. I now live by the follwing..... Don't hurt other people. Don't allow other people to hurt me. Don't hurt myself. It works for me and I am less attracted to drama and unavailble men. Best wishes to all.
Hazyhead Posted December 14, 2009 Posted December 14, 2009 I'm sorry that I knowingly got involved with a married man. But, I don't regret it. I know that sounds contradictory, but this affair, as it was, opened my eyes and my heart to what true passion and deep connection is. I'll never forget the good moments, though the bad ones have been incredibly emotionally draining and, just on the start of NC, I know they're going to get worse. This is going to sound really bad, but his wife never (so far) found out about us. He said he'll take it to his grave. So, they might work it out. Crap for me (I know that's completely selfish, but I'm just being honest and I do respect his wishes to try). But good for them. I never got into this wanted to hurt anybody, although I know that's a natural by-product of selfish actions. I fell for somebody unavailable, and now I have to live with the hurt caused, to me as well as others.
outofthedark Posted December 14, 2009 Posted December 14, 2009 "but this affair, as it was, opened my eyes and my heart to what true passion and deep connection is." ..... I disagree completely with that statement. I thought what I experienced was deep connection but it was only onesided. You cannot completely connect with someone that isnt completely open with you. If you are the ow then you arent getting all of him and he is not completely open to you. A "deep connection" involves being completely available and open. There are too many lies in play for anyone to be completely open = deep connection. Now that passion.... oh ya thats the good stuff that keeps us there. If you felt you had deep connection and passion, imagine that feeling with someone who is completely available to you.. it should be even more passionate and even deeper connection. I don't regret it. I regret not getting out of it when I should have. I cannot regret the lessons I have learned.
Hazyhead Posted December 14, 2009 Posted December 14, 2009 Maybe it's all relative and compares to what I've experienced before, but I believe that you can still have a deep connection despite not being able to be with somebody whenever you like. There was honesty, for me in the end, although it was a dishonest situation. I think two people can really connect without the commitment. It was a personalitly thing. We clicked. And our mutual interests and views were uncanny. I can see that it would be stronger with having somebody completely open to you, but I do believe it can exist to an extent. Although, yes, I felt the passion was the addictive part. God, that was something else...
MaureyL Posted December 14, 2009 Posted December 14, 2009 I don't regret one nanosecond of our time together. I definitely see it now for what it was and if I have any regrets, it was that I didn't kiss him goodbye for good when he left and didn't hang on to his texts and emails for a good six months after he moved from London, which became less and less frequent...inevitable, of course. He was a young boy way way over his head and I couldn't get around my passion and love for him to see into it clearly. The writing was on the wall before it ever began, of course and I knew that from the beginning. But I did it anyway. Even now, I think about him every single day. But it doesn't feel like agony anymore and I am pleased to be moving on with my life. And whenever he does re-surface and try to get in touch, it is completely unsatisfying. Honestly, it is much better to have my memories of our time together and not have to hear about his new life, his new career and his plans with his long term girlfriend. He will always be precious to me and I will always hold him very close to my heart and in my mind. But I know myself now well enough to realise that being in touch with him only hurts me. It filled a huge need at the time but both our lives have moved on. So, I move on too. Though if I'm honest, I wonder if he knows that my not being in contact with him is the most loving thing I could do, for his sake as much as mine... xx
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