otherman Posted December 11, 2009 Posted December 11, 2009 Do you ever let you mind wonder into that horrible place where all you think about is your MW or MM in bed with there H or W? How do you deal with it? Does the MW or MM tell you they won't do it? I asked mine not too, and I believe her when she tells me she doesn't? Am I being stupid or is this ok to believe? Anyways, just curious how others deal with the thoughts? Thanks, Other Man
bentnotbroken Posted December 11, 2009 Posted December 11, 2009 Isn't your mind wondering (among other things) what got you in this situation in the first place.?Clearly your mind wondering isn't a productive thing. Maybe you need a hobby.
White Flower Posted December 11, 2009 Posted December 11, 2009 Do you ever let you mind wonder into that horrible place where all you think about is your MW or MM in bed with there H or W? How do you deal with it? Does the MW or MM tell you they won't do it? I asked mine not too, and I believe her when she tells me she doesn't? Am I being stupid or is this ok to believe? Anyways, just curious how others deal with the thoughts? Thanks, Other Man Hey Otherman, I know of some who have asked the same question and got good results while others have not. I think Stampdaddy had a MW who stopped sleeping with her H if I remember correctly. For me, in the beginning, I put if out of my mind. I was beginning an A which I never thought I would do and if it were discovered I would gracefully bow out. But over time the love grew stronger and thoughts like that drove me insane. I began to withdraw and he began to concede first the truth and then some actions. I told him that I now see things differently than I did before. Before, I was perfectly happy in the A and didn't care what he did at home. Now, I'm ready to bolt as I do care what he does there and if he wants that he can have it but he can't have me. We'll see what happens.
whichwayisup Posted December 11, 2009 Posted December 11, 2009 You are setting yourself up for a huge fall and a big hurt. Why think of stuff like that? Either enjoy what you have with her for what it is, an affair..Or think about ending it. Your MW has no intention of leaving and divoring her husband, she's told you this too...
her_halo_slipped Posted December 11, 2009 Posted December 11, 2009 Does the MW or MM tell you they won't do it? I asked mine not too, and I believe her when she tells me she doesn't? Am I being stupid or is this ok to believe? Anyways, just curious how others deal with the thoughts? Hi otherman. You may not want to hear my answer to your post but yes I do think you are being naieve ( not stupid). Part of being married is being intimate i.e having sex with your partner. If your MW wants to keep her affair with you a secret then she needs to keep up appearances within her marriage and unfortunately for you this means she will still be satisfying her husband. Don't see it as a negative...think of it as her way of protecting what she has with you?? I am not making any judgements about what is right or wrong. That's not why I come to LS. Just offering my opinion. And support too. I know how you feel. Don't be naieve enough to think she will cut off her sexual relationship with her H just because you asked. Would you do the same if the shoe was on the other foot?
MizFit Posted December 11, 2009 Posted December 11, 2009 It's tough when you're sitting home alone and wondering what's happening. I never stopped dating and my MM experienced it several times. I was out with someone he was jealous of one night and he was a wreck...sent a few emails that clearly showed his discomfort and I've recently seen some photos of him at a family function the day after and he looked a wreck. I felt guilty, as does he, but it's the nature of the beast.
Lizzie60 Posted December 11, 2009 Posted December 11, 2009 I agree with BB .. why torture yourself.. if you have a hard time handling this.. I personally don't care if they sleep together.. If she says she's not.. well.. why don't you just believe her???? you are a bit masochist if you let your mind wondering about this..
scorpmale001 Posted December 11, 2009 Posted December 11, 2009 "she tells me she doesn't?" and u believed it why don't you just confirm this with her H....do u really think u have any right to ask not to sleep with her H...i think u really have some serious problems.... guess what, u are actually having what he had once to the fullest
Lizzie60 Posted December 11, 2009 Posted December 11, 2009 Do you ever let you mind wonder into that horrible place where all you think about is your MW or MM in bed with there H or W? How do you deal with it? Does the MW or MM tell you they won't do it? I asked mine not too, and I believe her when she tells me she doesn't? Am I being stupid or is this ok to believe? Anyways, just curious how others deal with the thoughts? Thanks, Other Man If that could make you feel better.. if you can't stop obsessing about it.. maybe she is thinking about you while having sex with her H.. just so it makes it more exciting.. My guess is that she is probably bored to death sexually.. and she probably fantasize about you when she's in bed with him... (some MMs told me that's what they do)
MSUE Posted December 11, 2009 Posted December 11, 2009 OP yes they wonder we all wonder and I have been in all ends of A...I lied to my OM...early on when I was sleeping w him...eventually I realized that I had fallen in love and actually left my H for my OM...so no more wondering for him...cause now live together...I'm the 1% that had the balls to leave my H...it wasnt fair to either of us...I had trullyfallen in love w my now BF but we all lie...because we don want to jeopardize the A the fantasy...after all the foundations of A are lies to begin with...only a small percentage are actually honest but the lying keeps the A going...and most OW/OM fall for it and believe it...because cant stand the idea of them banging...at the end of it all everyone gets hurt sooner or later
Agent_99 Posted December 11, 2009 Posted December 11, 2009 Do you ever let you mind wonder into that horrible place where all you think about is your MW or MM in bed with there H or W? How do you deal with it? Does the MW or MM tell you they won't do it? I asked mine not too, and I believe her when she tells me she doesn't? Am I being stupid or is this ok to believe? Anyways, just curious how others deal with the thoughts? Thanks, Other Man Yes my mind has wandered there. I've been in an A for a little over 2 years. THe first 6 months I was friends with both of them, and MW partner talked about their sex life to me. So I know that they are not very compatible sexually, BUT I also know they still have sex. MW and I just don't talk about it. AND I am dating other people. Which is hard for her, but I told her straight up that if she's not leaving, I'm not ONLY seeing her. I don'tthink your being stupid to believe her, but you might want to look at where your doubts are coming from. And yes, sometimes visions of them together DO get to me. I deal with it by accepting that I am insecure, that I am afraid of losing her, and by reminding myself that SEX isn't the only thing between her and I. We also love each other very deeply. ~Agent
NowhereToHide Posted December 11, 2009 Posted December 11, 2009 OP yes they wonder we all wonder and I have been in all ends of A...I lied to my OM...early on when I was sleeping w him...eventually I realized that I had fallen in love and actually left my H for my OM...so no more wondering for him...cause now live together...I'm the 1% that had the balls to leave my H...it wasnt fair to either of us...I had trullyfallen in love w my now BF but we all lie...because we don want to jeopardize the A the fantasy...after all the foundations of A are lies to begin with...only a small percentage are actually honest but the lying keeps the A going...and most OW/OM fall for it and believe it...because cant stand the idea of them banging...at the end of it all everyone gets hurt sooner or later Really? Balls? Many of us MOW don't leave our marriages for our APs for legitimate reasons... it has nothing to do with having the guts to leave. You were obviously in a situation where leaving was a great option. You, having been in an affair, should know that it's never black and white. As for the OP, yes, I used to let my mind wander to my xAP having sex with his wife. And the other posters are right.... it really leads to nothing positive. The best thing really is to distract yourself -- it sounds simple, but it works. Have some other positive thoughts ready to go, or an activity that's easy to get in to. The obsessing can only lead you down a negative path.
White Flower Posted December 11, 2009 Posted December 11, 2009 It's tough when you're sitting home alone and wondering what's happening. I never stopped dating and my MM experienced it several times. I was out with someone he was jealous of one night and he was a wreck...sent a few emails that clearly showed his discomfort and I've recently seen some photos of him at a family function the day after and he looked a wreck. I felt guilty, as does he, but it's the nature of the beast. It really is important to let him know that equality is important. He can't consider the alternative if he doesn't know what's at stake.
Jaspe_Loco Posted December 11, 2009 Posted December 11, 2009 MW asked me whether my W and had sex shortly after we got back together. I told her it had been a couple of months at the time, but that occasionally, I had to give in to keep the peace (or as much peace as possible). I told her that I expected that she had to still play W occasionally as will. I suggested that we not discuss again because it would only add stress to our relationship.. and she hasn't.
bentnotbroken Posted December 11, 2009 Posted December 11, 2009 Really? Balls? Many of us MOW don't leave our marriages for our APs for legitimate reasons... it has nothing to do with having the guts to leave. You were obviously in a situation where leaving was a great option. You, having been in an affair, should know that it's never black and white. As for the OP, yes, I used to let my mind wander to my xAP having sex with his wife. And the other posters are right.... it really leads to nothing positive. The best thing really is to distract yourself -- it sounds simple, but it works. Have some other positive thoughts ready to go, or an activity that's easy to get in to. The obsessing can only lead you down a negative path. :confused:As if the A itself isn't already doing that.
skylarblue Posted December 11, 2009 Posted December 11, 2009 I wouldn’t completely dismiss her when she tells you she doesn't. There are M that are just such in name only, but usually the H and W sleep in separate beds. In my own experience, my MM says he rarely sleeps with his W and he thinks of me when he does. For me it doesn’t matter either way, but I believe him because when our A started I had a bf. During the A, sex with my bf became less and less frequent getting down to about once every 2 months and I always thought about MM during. So, even though I think it’s more likely she and her H are having sex, it may be very infrequently. As to how to deal with it, you say you believe her when she tells you she doesn't. Instead of thinking you’re being naïve just convince yourself she’s being truthful.
torranceshipman Posted December 11, 2009 Posted December 11, 2009 Hey otherman, your mind wanders to these thoughts, because the logical rational part of your brain has worked out that there is a very high likelihood, regardless of what she tells you, that she is indeed having sex regularly with her H. That's because they are M, they live together, she is the W, he is the H. Might as well face up to the reality of the situation, but if you want to keep going in the A, you might need to pretend the opposite else those thoughts will really drive you mad (or accept the status quo and accept you are physically sharing your love interest with another guy).
minutebyminute Posted December 12, 2009 Posted December 12, 2009 Do you ever let you mind wonder into that horrible place where all you think about is your MW or MM in bed with there H or W? How do you deal with it? Does the MW or MM tell you they won't do it? I asked mine not too, and I believe her when she tells me she doesn't? Am I being stupid or is this ok to believe? Anyways, just curious how others deal with the thoughts? Thanks, Other Man First of all, if your having an A yes your mind will wonder, knowing they are in a commited relationship, and supposing the BS doesn't know. Yes, sex happens, but in my experience while I was/am going thru the same thing, I only thought of my OM. I was torn, not only because I wanted the OM so intensely, just all the webs of letting go. Anyone who has gone through a divorce knows, it's like birth, hurts ,like hell, but when it's over it's the best thing that ever happened, so I'm told. If you trust her, then she is telling you the truth, or lying to you to save you pain. Ultimaley, If her husband is unaware of her affair most likely she is still having "sex" with him. I remember during the A with my man, he asked me, are you still having sex with T, I said yes, then explained how it was,in and out 3 min max, done deal. The OM said, "OH" and "how long ago was that", about a week and a half ago. "U Huh" and like that it went down hill. Believe me when I tell you this, the letting go process is hard. The beginning of a new relationship is great, especially when you jive on all levels, but when this happens simultaneously w/the OW/OM and the H/W , it shouldn't have happened in the first place and now what to do, there is a whole lot of thinkin' involved. A whole lot of who is doing what to who and when and where. It is called having an A and dealing with the outcome. If you feel you have something, trust just her. If you can take it THEN ask her to tell you the truth. If you can't take the truth, then you have to leave.
White Flower Posted December 12, 2009 Posted December 12, 2009 If you feel you have something, trust just her. If you can take it THEN ask her to tell you the truth. If you can't take the truth, then you have to leave. Very good advice from someone who has been there.
MSUE Posted December 12, 2009 Posted December 12, 2009 Really? Balls? Many of us MOW don't leave our marriages for our APs for legitimate reasons... it has nothing to do with having the guts to leave. You were obviously in a situation where leaving was a great option. You, having been in an affair, should know that it's never black and white. As for the OP, yes, I used to let my mind wander to my xAP having sex with his wife. And the other posters are right.... it really leads to nothing positive. The best thing really is to distract yourself -- it sounds simple, but it works. Have some other positive thoughts ready to go, or an activity that's easy to get in to. The obsessing can only lead you down a negative path. yes...really...balls because very very few actually leave the M regardless of legitimate reasons or not...trust me there plenty of reasons for mr to suck it up and stay...but I wanted happiness...I chose happiness...Ienever said black and white...of course there is plenty of gray... it takes a strong person to leave...
Impudent Oyster Posted December 12, 2009 Posted December 12, 2009 Why torment yourself any more than necessary? When those thoughts come, distract yourself, you can do it. Great idea! Denial is essential to being a happy other woman/man.
Impudent Oyster Posted December 12, 2009 Posted December 12, 2009 If that could make you feel better.. if you can't stop obsessing about it.. maybe she is thinking about you while having sex with her H.. just so it makes it more exciting.. My guess is that she is probably bored to death sexually.. and she probably fantasize about you when she's in bed with him... (some MMs told me that's what they do) Another great idea! If you can't persuade yourself that they aren't having sex, at least take comfort in the belief that they're probably not enjoying it.
White Flower Posted December 14, 2009 Posted December 14, 2009 Great idea! Denial is essential to being a happy other woman/man. I'm not going to bother ignoring your sacrcasm here. In fact, I'm going to agree with it. Early in the A I was just grasping the reality that I was in one. Trying not to focus on what they were doing worked for me but over time it became harder and harder to do. I guess growing deeper in love made me less tolerant of knowing they were together on occasion. (I do believe it was occasional). Another great idea! If you can't persuade yourself that they aren't having sex, at least take comfort in the belief that they're probably not enjoying it. Huh? A man NOT enjoy sex??? That's funny. Guess what OWs, if he isn't enjoying the sex at home his W will wonder what's up and your A would be over or discovered eventually. The point is, if you can handle your MP having sex at home then an A is obviously good for you. If you can't tolerate it, get out!
OWoman Posted December 14, 2009 Posted December 14, 2009 Great idea! Denial is essential to being a happy other woman/man. OTC - I was a very happy OW and I was never in any denial about any of my MMs having sex with their Ws - my baseline assumption was that they would be; after all, they were merely one of several to me, so it was only "fair" that they have someone else, too. Sadly, several of them didn't keep their end of that bargain, and sex with their Ws dwindled, or stopped, but that was their loss, not mine. I think denial is counter-productive to being a happy OW. It allows one to cling to false hope (e.g. for OWs who want the MM to leave, where he has no intention of doing so) and breeds disappointment. Far better IMO to be realistic, and to make one's choices, frame one's expectations and make one's demands on those terms.
OWW Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 I am actually living in the house with MW and H. I hear it!! They become more discrete once they realized how much their sounds carried. I appreciated that at first but lately I have found myself listening for it, and positioning myself to hear. I think to confirm that he doesn't satisfy her like I do. I can't seem to help myself.
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