norajane Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 But she wants to me to propose and then she'll think about moving up.It's a big thing to move without knowing whether you're going to propose or not. You're asking her to trust you that you will, but at the same time you're not giving her any specific information, just vague "after you move and after we live together for a while". It's going to take a long time to pay off $100k in debt - how much of it do you want to pay off before you consider marriage? Let's say she moved to your city tomorrow. How long do you want to wait before you propose? How long do you want to be engaged before you marry?
Author sandman Posted December 13, 2009 Author Posted December 13, 2009 Its pretty simple to explain. We click very well in person together and so far this long distance relationship has taken a toll on me. I just want that passion back of when we use to live together and when we get together for 3-4 days at a time now waydays. I just want those feeling back so that I can genuinely ask her to marry me. Can I put a time frame on it? Its probably unrealistic to predict, but id give it a couple of months tops. I'm just a different person when I'm with her in person. I can pay this loan off in 2 years. But all I want to do is put a dent in it first before accumulating more debt. And Im being vague about such thngs as proposing because I dont want it to be lame or forced, I just want it to be genuine. And you say that I'm asking her to trust me in my vagueness, well shes trusted me thus far in this 4 year long distance relationship, where does that trust go all of a sudden when it comes to living together or moving up? Just doesnt make any sense...and unfortunatley I may just cave in and not enjoy my engagement or marraige simply because it was forced upon me from a girl I am going to marry no matter what.
Author sandman Posted December 13, 2009 Author Posted December 13, 2009 And honestly it just pisses me off.
Boundary Problem Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 And honestly it just pisses me off. I completely sympathize.
Holding-On Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 If you are dead set on marrying this girl -why not propose a quick JOP ceremony right now and a fancy wedding/restating of vows sometime in the future when you can afford it?
norajane Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 And honestly it just pisses me off. She's probably just as pissed off and frustrated. And if you can't bring yourself to try to understand her viewpoint and consider that her concerns might be valid, you really shouldn't be surprised that she can't bring herself to understand your viewpoint and consider that your concerns might be valid. I'm guessing you'll see each other for the holidays? I'd suggest finding a quiet time together and discussing this with her calmly and openly. Tell her everything and be very clear about how you're feeling, what you'd like the plan to be, and why it's important to you that she follow your plan. And really, give her a timeline, because vague isn't going to be enough to convince her that you want to marry her. She's probably afraid she'll move in with you and you'll string along forever, because at that point, you've got everything you want. If you can't be open and discuss this with her and listen to her thoughts, you two really shouldn't be getting married. Your whole life will require that the two of you work together to figure things out, and there are going to be a lot of times where what you want and how you want it will not mesh with what she wants and how she wants it. You have to be able to resolve those kinds of differences together without one or both of you just getting pissed off about it and digging in your heels.
torranceshipman Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 A timeline is a great idea, but tell her also you are in control of this proposal, you are choosing the time and the context and now that she has assurance of this, could she please step back on the demanding as it is ruining the special nature of planning the proposal, which you would love to enjoy, but which is currently being made into a bit of a chore by her moaning? I get that she is impatient but don't like the sound of the way she is going about this.
Author sandman Posted December 14, 2009 Author Posted December 14, 2009 Shes only coming up if shes engaged. Option B is I put in for a transfer down south which may take up to 10 months or even longer for a position thats not desirable. She hates her job, wants to quit, cries every day about it, nut now realistically I may have to transfer. I'm really trying to resolve this but it just isnt working. I tried talking to her tonight and just get "Im not coming up without being engaged". This is just so frustrating especially after working a 14 hour shift.
Author sandman Posted December 14, 2009 Author Posted December 14, 2009 Can anyone give me an example of a time line? Hey I appreciate everyone's help!
norajane Posted December 14, 2009 Posted December 14, 2009 Can anyone give me an example of a time line? Hey I appreciate everyone's help! I'd like to propose, but, frankly, I have $100k in debt, and have no money for a ring or a wedding. If you move up here next month, find a job within 3 months, then we can share living expenses and I can save up for a ring. I'd like to propose within 3 months of you moving here. If you don't find a job right away, it will take longer for me to afford a ring, so you can expect 6 months before I can give you that along with a proposal. I need a year to make a significant dent on my debt, so our wedding date would have to be at least a year from now. We'd be in better shape financially if we wait 18 months from now for the wedding.
Author sandman Posted December 14, 2009 Author Posted December 14, 2009 Unfortunately Ive already done all of that except give a specific time frame on the proposal.
norajane Posted December 14, 2009 Posted December 14, 2009 It's the specific timeframe that is the key. When you leave that off, the rest is meaningless. It could take a month or 10 years.
hopeful1980 Posted December 14, 2009 Posted December 14, 2009 It's the specific timeframe that is the key. When you leave that off, the rest is meaningless. It could take a month or 10 years. Absolutely. Hell, get a posterboard and ACTUALLY draw a timeline on it if necessary. Let her take it home so she can see it. Keep her up to date when goals are accomplished so she knows you're getting closer. She won't bug you about it if she knows it's going to happen.
Lauriebell82 Posted December 14, 2009 Posted December 14, 2009 I agree with the specific time frame so she can get a better idea. I think you are pissed because she says she won't move without being engaged, which puts pressure on you. The problem is she doesn't trust you to propose to her once she gets there because it's been 8 years. You need to get her to trust you and I think a timeline would quite possibly help her do that. Then it won't just sound like a bunch of b.s. excuses.
zoe1983 Posted December 15, 2009 Posted December 15, 2009 Like one of the previous posters mentioned...I think that laying out a clear plan with your girlfriend would really help. My fiance and i were together for about 4 years before he proposed and I admit I was getting a bit antsy near the end of that. HOWEVER, after about the two year mark we had a conversation about how he wanted to get married but felt that he needed to graduate college and get a job to support us before he could propose. True to his word...he proposed about 10 months after graduating college and two months after finding a decent job. I think that your girlfriend might stop pressuring you so much if she knew what to expect.
nddb Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 lay out the timeline and give her assurance. That's what she wants. Don't let her get away due to a misunderstanding (sounds like you want to marry her but just need to be logical/organized). Don't worry about the "fantasy" proposal. I didn't have one either. She knew I was poor. But when I made a little money and been married for a few years, I took her on a cruise. I did a surprise on-the-knee "would you take this eternity ring as a symbol of my love and devotion to you" deal and have the ship's captain did the vow renewal. It was a hit.
lkjh Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 dude it been 8 years, I think you passed the point of her not expecting it.
BettyBoop Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 I think that if you was 100% sure you wanted to marry her - it would not have taken you 8 years to figure that out. You would have proposed sooner and just waited with the actual marriage. If you really wanted to - you would not be able to wait for her to be your wife. Depts and all may seem like reasonable excuses to some. But to me, it is only an excuse to post-phone. If all you both wanted to do was being married to each other - you'd do it in Vegas as cheap as possible just to become husband and wife. Nothing else would matter. 8 years is a LONG time invested in someone who wants her to move to "get the feelings back". You should only need a week together for that to happen. So offer her a week and then make your decision. By now you should know who she is and why you love her.
mem11363 Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 Sandman, You sound like me financially - you do NOT want to get overextended. I see some warning flags here. Have you talked about what kind of wedding she wants? Are her parents paying for it? Yours helping? Or are the 2 of you going to have to pay for it? She graduated 4 years ago - how much money has she saved. Or much scarier - how much debt has she accumulated? Because I actually worry that this will end up being more about money then time. This whole issue of competing with her friends on marital timeline - will it extend to nicer houses, cars, vacations? Because if your mindset is to pay off debt, and hers is to amp your lifestyle - that is going to make both of you miserable. All I hear from you is concerns about money. Has she committed to helping you make that piece of the puzzle work or is she quietly refusing to discuss that with her thinking being that - it is your job to find a way to fund the lifestyle she wants on the timetable she demands? By the way - the female version of me - which is my wife - would have already agreed to a very inexpensive wedding and engagement ring and would basically have said this. I will find a job - and when I get the offer letter you can either propose or I will tear it up and we can both move on. Not moving up without being engaged - but happy to make the money part work painlessly. Unfortunately Ive already done all of that except give a specific time frame on the proposal.
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