sandman Posted December 11, 2009 Posted December 11, 2009 I'm in a midst of a major event of my life and my gf doesnt seem to make it any easier on me. I have been with my gf for 8 years (4 yrs while in college together and the other 4 while I was still in school after she graduated). Shes been pressuring me quite a bit to get married and I want to but theres just no way of me surprising her with a proposal. She bothers me about it day in and day out and I have no room to make any moves to propose to her. I just dont know what do? Any ideas? What can I do to forget about it for a little so that I can make plans?
mark982 Posted December 11, 2009 Posted December 11, 2009 have you tried just telling her to shut the hell up?
norajane Posted December 11, 2009 Posted December 11, 2009 Why is it so important to you that it be a "surprise"? What is it that you want to do to propose that requires surprises? And how are you expecting to make plans if you "forget about it for a while"? I'm very confused. If you want to propose, then go pick out a ring, plan a nice dinner or something and just do it. Believe me, after waiting for so long, any proposal will come as a surprise to her.
Author sandman Posted December 11, 2009 Author Posted December 11, 2009 she wont shut the hell up about it. The spontinaety is all lost. I just think it should be a memorable moment rather than something she demands and I just give to her. She just wants to be married because all her other friends are getting married. I just graduated some months ago and we are trying to find a way to be together physically; however, it is difficult quitting one's job and moving in this economy. I havent lived with her in over 4 years now. We've been long distance for 4 years.
hopeful1980 Posted December 11, 2009 Posted December 11, 2009 Do you want to marry her? When my husband decided he wanted to marry me, he could care less about being spontaneous. He actually took me to the store when the woman called and said the ring was ready. I told him to go and get it and surprise me with it later, but he couldn't wait. He was more excited about it than I was. The best he could do was have me sit in the car while he went in and got it. LOL! I thought it was so cute. It didn't matter to me that he didn't plan some elaborate proposal. When we got home, he led me to the couch and had me sit down while he got on one knee and asked. Of course I said yes and the rest is history. I look back on that day with fond memories of how he was so excited about being married to me that the ring was burning a hole in his pocket! He could not wait for me to be his wife, not even long enough to hold it for a week and make dinner reservations. I just say that to say that I feel like when a man wants to marry you he will do anything to be with you. Nothing will keep him from you and he'll do anything to have you. It doesn't sound to me like you want to marry her. It seems like the whole thing is a huge inconvenience to you because she keeps asking. She only keeps asking because she's unsure of your answer. If she was certain you'd marry her soon, she wouldn't worry so much about it.
Author sandman Posted December 11, 2009 Author Posted December 11, 2009 No, not at all. I most definitely want to marry her! The long distance has managed to drain quite a bit of life out of our relationship. I just think it would be better to be physically together for that exhilarating moment to occur. I just dont feel that passion for marriage only because we have been apart for such a long time. We are inseparable when we are together and so I just want to be physically together first and let it occur the way you described it rather than heres you ring you wanted.
norajane Posted December 11, 2009 Posted December 11, 2009 She just wants to be married because all her other friends are getting married. Do you really believe that? Don't you think she wants to marry you because she loves you and wants to spend her life with you? I agree with hopeful1980 - your gf keeps asking because she is anxious that you don't want to marry her. She's looking for reassurance that you do. What do you say when she brings up the subject? Have you asked her why she is so anxious and if she's afraid you've changed your mind and don't want to marry her? Have you told her you love her, you want to marry her, but you believe the proposal should be a special and memorable moment and you really want to surprise her? Have you asked her to give you some space about this subject (and not in a "shut the hell up about it!" kind of way) so you can be the man and do it your way?
Author sandman Posted December 11, 2009 Author Posted December 11, 2009 (edited) I believe it because shes tells me that. Days after I graduated she demanded we get married..... I barely started my job, barely moved back home, barely graduated, and have have a hefty loan to pay off. All I hear from her is that we need to get married since all of her friends are getting married one by one. I tell I love her every day but all that goes out the window once someone else becomes engaged. The she hassles me all over again. Its not easy having her breath down my neck about marriage when we cant even be physically together yet. How can we even think about marriage if were not even together? This makes no sense. I have discussed the topic of being with her first and then getting married rather than just getting married outright. Edited December 11, 2009 by sandman
hopeful1980 Posted December 11, 2009 Posted December 11, 2009 Sandman, why don't you just give her a timeline. Lay it out for her the way you want things to happen and reassure her that you are working towards that goal. Remind her that when she constantly hassles you to propose, it makes you less motivated to do it even though you want too.
norajane Posted December 11, 2009 Posted December 11, 2009 You can think about it. And you can plan for it. Maybe it would help to share your plans with her so she's part of the process. Again, have you discussed your thoughts and feelings about this with her? Or do you just shut off when she brings up the subject?
Author sandman Posted December 11, 2009 Author Posted December 11, 2009 She is mostly anxious because everyone else is getting engaged and married and not because theres a question of whether I love her or not.
streetlamp Posted December 11, 2009 Posted December 11, 2009 Are you sure that she wants to be surprised? Or that being surprised is the most important thing? Maybe she's just ready for the commitment and getting a little impatient. 8 years is a long time!
hopeful1980 Posted December 11, 2009 Posted December 11, 2009 She is mostly anxious because everyone else is getting engaged and married and not because theres a question of whether I love her or not. You are the only one who can alleviate her fears and quell her anxiety. You know that. She needs reassurance that it will happen soon. You're the only one who can provide that comfort. Obviously, she's unsure that you are willing to committ and feels like it should have happened already. Just give her the encouragement she needs and tell her that you will marry her. Take her shopping for rings and talk about where you'll honeymoon, but let her know that she can trust that you are not wasting her time and giving her the run around.
norajane Posted December 11, 2009 Posted December 11, 2009 She is mostly anxious because everyone else is getting engaged and married and not because theres a question of whether I love her or not. There is a question in her mind of whether you want to marry her or not. Telling someone you love them isn't the same as telling them you want to marry them. And telling someone anything isn't the same as acting on your words. We tell people here to focus on what they significant others DO rather than just what they SAY, and to look at whether their actions match their words. Just to give you the alternate viewpoint... If your gf were here posting about how she's been with her bf for 8 years and he tells her he loves her but will not propose, we'd tell her to compare his actions to his words, and we'd tell her to decide whether she can live with him never marrying her because 8 years is a long time to be with someone who has shown no signs of actually proposing. If she can't live with it, then she needs to set her own timeline of when to break up with him if he still shows no signs of wanting to marry her.
ADF Posted December 11, 2009 Posted December 11, 2009 After 8 years, I think any proposal will come as a surprise. Just ask her, already.
GorillaTheater Posted December 11, 2009 Posted December 11, 2009 I think I understand where Sandman is coming from. Who the hell wants to be bullied into proposing? "Give me a goddamn chance to be ROMANTIC, for f*ck's sake!"
Author sandman Posted December 11, 2009 Author Posted December 11, 2009 Like I said before, I want to be together physically first and take it from there. To me, thats a sign of progress and commitment. And honestly, I do feel like I'm being bullied into marriage. And to clarify the 8 year relationship. We spent the first four years doing our bachelors and she then moved 300 miles away to her home town. I continued on studying fo rmy doctorate. Thats 4 years of not being physically together. I dont think its fair to propose automatically after being apart for so long. Thats just the way I feel.
ADF Posted December 12, 2009 Posted December 12, 2009 OP, no one can tell you what to do. But look at it from her point of view. Your GF has made it clear she wants to get married. She has already invested 8 yeas of her life in your relationship, 300 miles apart or not. You don't owe it to her to marry her. But do owe it to her to make up your mind. Even four years is a heck of a long "engagement," so to speak.
Holding-On Posted December 12, 2009 Posted December 12, 2009 OP, no one can tell you what to do. But look at it from her point of view. Your GF has made it clear she wants to get married. She has already invested 8 yeas of her life in your relationship, 300 miles apart or not. You don't owe it to her to marry her. But do owe it to her to make up your mind. Even four years is a heck of a long "engagement," so to speak. Agreed, Sure she isn't going about it right. But she's probably feeling strung along (which actually is what you are doing, putting off, putting off and keeping her exclusive with you all the while). Provided she wants to have children someday she does have a timeline. Women, unfortunately, DO have a timetable in which it is healthy to have children. She has turned down opportunities with other men and opportunities to have children/establish a relationship. To her your ACTIONS probably speak louder than your daily words. I would not marry her unless you really want to. You sound unsure. You should be honest with her. Stop stringing her along. You are wasting her life of which, as far as we know, she only has one.
Lauriebell82 Posted December 12, 2009 Posted December 12, 2009 Like I said before, I want to be together physically first and take it from there. To me, thats a sign of progress and commitment. And honestly, I do feel like I'm being bullied into marriage. And to clarify the 8 year relationship. We spent the first four years doing our bachelors and she then moved 300 miles away to her home town. I continued on studying fo rmy doctorate. Thats 4 years of not being physically together. I dont think its fair to propose automatically after being apart for so long. Thats just the way I feel. Fair? Ah come on man. If I may it sounds like you are making excuses here. So what if you weren't together for 4 years? There is no RULE that says you can't propose after not being together for years on end. You have every excuse in the book, seriously. So what about being spontaneous. You can do it at any moment actually. You could propose right before you go to bed. Just pop out the ring and get down on one knee! She will NEVER expect that! Or take her to dinner and just propose! I'm sure she doesn't torment you every single second of every single day! It really sounds like you are unsure and/or don't want to get married right now. If thats the case you need to be straight with her. After 8 years I guarantee she will not care about having some huge surprise proposal!!!!
JustLooking123 Posted December 12, 2009 Posted December 12, 2009 To be honest, OP, you say you want to marry her, but you sound pretty hesitant or ambivalent about it. Maybe you're afraid to admit that you don't see yourself marrying her after spending so much of your life with her? Eight years is a long time...if you're still not 100% sure you want to marry her, more time probably won't clear it up any further. And is she literally pestering you about marriage "day in and day out," or is that a figure of speech?
Author sandman Posted December 13, 2009 Author Posted December 13, 2009 She pesters me day in and day out I cant even function optimally at work or home . See, I am in no way hesitant. I have credit cards to pay off, student loans to pay off, all stemming from college. I just started my job 3 months ago, and jumping into the marriage scene with the costs affiliated with it is part of my desire to go slow, move in, and propose. But she wants to me to propose and then she'll think about moving up. This isnt a 2 year relationship where she is hesitant about my goals with marriage. She knows I want to marry her. She is just driven to being a married individual when all her friends are already getting married. Our plan is for her to move up but she has to get a job here and planning a wedding with out a job or enough income is a death trap. Compounded by my college debt and the fact we havent lived together in over 4 years is not hesitancy, I think it is more about practicallty. It is more about how things should be sequenced and prioritized. But all that goes out the window, its more about being married now because in all her friends are getting married. Im already over $100,000 in debt and I dont want to add anymore in the so immediatley. Thank you for listening.
mark982 Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 your girl seems to be all about show. let me guess,she wants that huuuuge wedding also. there goes another large wad of cash. tell her come up and help pay down some of the debt. then we'll get married.
insecureeeyep Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 I think you guys need to have a talk about why you're not proposing right now. Your reasoning sounds practical enough to me. As long as she knows these reasons then I think it should be fine. Does she know you want to do these things first?
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