i chickened out

[trueblue72ny]

i was going to break up with this girl tonight i have been hanging out with for the last 3 months and chickened out. i suck! i guess i have a hard time thinking about hurting feelings.

 

imagine getting together with your new girl and after 2 1/2 months you still havent rcvd a kiss? but yet she still calls you day in and day out, flirts, acts intersted. i mean really what would you think?? is this some kind of mind game? i know i sure am confused. i think if she is going to act more like a buddy than its time to keep the options open. especially after me asking her at least on two occasions already hey what is going on are you interested?? do i need to keep my options open?? to which she "implies" yes im intersted, no you do not need to keep your options open. i dont actually hear the word "yes", i only receive the implication. no kissing. lots of hugs, and nothing else. its like huh? i just dont know anymore. all i can say is from my past experiences things dont take this long. thing happen pretty fast. and i am not asking for sex or marriage or anything. just normal stuff people do. like feel a part of thngs and do some things together. at least more than just meeting up for a couple hours once or twice a week.

 

ugggggg. i guess my only other option to consider is to just start backing off, like not respond to all the texts and calls. i mean really, is this fair to me? or am i just being a jerk?? i just dont get it! what does she want?

[HokeyPokey]

Have you tried kissing her? Many women prefer men to make the moves.

[trueblue72ny]

yes i have tried & thats not it. its weird. i dontknow what it is. now tonight just as i am about to say again, listen we need to talk, she tells me she got into an auto accident. uggg. now i would feel like a complete jerk if i broke it off tonight. she was on the phone crying. i just listened. i am telling you this is nuts!

[Boundary Problem]

she tells me she got into an auto accident. uggg. now i would feel like a complete jerk if i broke it off tonight. she was on the phone crying.

 

 

Doesn't sound like she is "close to your heart". Sound like the thing to do is cut her loose so that she can find someone who does care for her.

 

And you deserve to be in a relationship with a person who accepts you as you are. Don't settle for less.

 

If you aren't feeling it, you aren't feeling it. It would actually hurt her more if you weren't honest with yourself - and her.

[Midnight Rider]

i was going to break up with this girl tonight i have been hanging out with for the last 3 months and chickened out. i suck! i guess i have a hard time thinking about hurting feelings.

 

imagine getting together with your new girl and after 2 1/2 months you still havent rcvd a kiss? but yet she still calls you day in and day out, flirts, acts intersted. i mean really what would you think?? is this some kind of mind game? i know i sure am confused. i think if she is going to act more like a buddy than its time to keep the options open. especially after me asking her at least on two occasions already hey what is going on are you interested?? do i need to keep my options open?? to which she "implies" yes im intersted, no you do not need to keep your options open. i dont actually hear the word "yes", i only receive the implication. no kissing. lots of hugs, and nothing else. its like huh? i just dont know anymore. all i can say is from my past experiences things dont take this long. thing happen pretty fast. and i am not asking for sex or marriage or anything. just normal stuff people do. like feel a part of thngs and do some things together. at least more than just meeting up for a couple hours once or twice a week.

 

ugggggg. i guess my only other option to consider is to just start backing off, like not respond to all the texts and calls. i mean really, is this fair to me? or am i just being a jerk?? i just dont get it! what does she want?

 

Yeah definitely strange behavior from her! I would have wanted to dump her as well. You definitely won't be seeing her naked boobies until you are married and in your honeymoon hotel room.

[trueblue72ny]

I think it is strange as well. everyone I talk too has no idea either. already I have heard from her today, 3am this morning I get a text, and again at 7am. This is what confuses me. would you be texting your “friend” at 3am? I wouldn’t. I think I am just going to back off now that I have had a night to think about it. I don’t want to make her life more upset by saying anything to her. I do like her and want to hook up with her. if we are just friends in her eyes than it will be no big deal me backing off. If she wants more than she will if she be wondering what’s up. at least thats my theory. if she wants to remain friends, im cool with that. all I want to know is what does she want with me? just friends? or more? Make the move, let me know, or let me go so I can start meeting others if that is what it is!!! I am starting to get annoyed!!!

[Kamille]

Make her life more upset? Are there other thing outside of the accident going on?

 

Truth is, she is responsible for her own well-being, not you. That also puts you in charge of your well-being. So this relationship isn't right for you, move on.

 

Curious though: have you ever asked her why you two haven't kissed yet?

[DustySaltus]

i was going to break up with this girl tonight i have been hanging out with for the last 3 months and chickened out. i suck! i guess i have a hard time thinking about hurting feelings.

 

I know this only far too well. You can either have it die a quick and painless death (relatively speaking) or it can be a torture chamber, 3 months, dragged out sort of death.

 

At some point you need to be a little selfish and think about YOUR needs. I'd break it off a week from now, it's not worth the headache and the daily analyzation. Sorry this happened but she's not right for you.

[silic0ntoad]

Call her prude ass and tell her you're done with her bullsh*t headgames and drama.

 

End of story.

[trueblue72ny]

Kamille, there are a bunch of things going on with her life outside of the accident that is causing big stress. everything from major financial issues, where is she going to live, daughter issues, dead beat dad issues, child support issues. All just in the last month. It all hit at once like a giant tsunami. I have never seen anything like it. That is why I have been patient, giving her space to sort it out and take care of her issues.

 

I would be a huge selfish jerk so say hey I know you are about to have a break down but what about me. not cool. but yet at the same time I do feel like I have at least a right to know what’s up. the more we talk and hang out the more I become attached.

 

And Dusty is right, I need to be a little selfish over my own heart. I am afraid of going thru all this, getting more attached, and then hear, sorry!! I do not want to put myself thru that. it is he!! on earth.

 

I have not asked her why we haven’t kissed because I don’t want to make it seem like there is pressure to do anything.

 

maybe I should just back off a little but yet at the same time still be there , be supportive, give her one more month for things to settle down and make a move with us. I guess that sounds reasonable. That brings us past the holidays into the new year. And that is it!!! instead of the three date rule, I will give her the 3month rule. She has until the middle of next month to make a move or I am moving on. I am marking it on the calendar!

[DustySaltus]

Call her prude ass and tell her you're done with her bullsh*t headgames and drama.

 

End of story.

 

you're a real ball of sunshine this morning:)

[trueblue72ny]

She seemed fine before all this happened. it was so new (only a month), but things were going good. hugs, flirting, talking about secret things, than all this stuff happened in her life and she clammed up! guess that’s why I feel like its ok to give her some time with as little pressure from me as possible. I don’t want to add to her plate. I want to be the one who she calls for hope and happiness. If that sounds gay I don’t care. If by another month there is no progress I think I am more than within my rights to say im sorry I gave you all this time and you don’t seem interested.

 

Believe me, I am like everyone else, this would of ended already if nothing happened between us by now and there was nothing going on in her life. I think its ok to give her some slack, but I wont let it be an excuse forever.

 

Sometimes I feel like i am a super magnet for crazy relationships

[DustySaltus]

She seemed fine before all this happened. it was so new (only a month), but things were going good. hugs, flirting, talking about secret things, than all this stuff happened in her life and she clammed up! guess that’s why I feel like its ok to give her some time with as little pressure from me as possible. I don’t want to add to her plate. I want to be the one who she calls for hope and happiness. If that sounds gay I don’t care. If by another month there is no progress I think I am more than within my rights to say im sorry I gave you all this time and you don’t seem interested.

 

Believe me, I am like everyone else, this would of ended already if nothing happened between us by now and there was nothing going on in her life. I think its ok to give her some slack, but I wont let it be an excuse forever.

 

Sometimes I feel like i am a super magnet for crazy relationships

 

My worry is that she's going to do JUST ENOUGH to keep you interested and try to drag this out longer. I admire your intentions, I just think she's in a weird place right now.

 

What about her taking care of YOUR happiness?

[wondering_girl]

hi trueblue,

 

hows your week going? aw, i'm sorry to hear this is happening - so, you decided to break up with her? in my opinion, as hard as it is and as much as how you like her if she's not making you happy then we know what's next?

 

it still puzzles me how she shows all these signs and she does all the "effort" from her end, yet does not give you a kiss or what not and that is part of a relationship...... i know how hard it is since it's the holidays and we don't wanna be jerks but i know my first bf i wish that i would not have dragged it as long - i ended up looking like the bad person in the end.....and he hated me for dragging it..

 

i seriously believe in feeling that extra "umph" when you're with someone - do you feel that with her?

[trueblue72ny]

Holy! Someone else I know said almost the same EXACT thing… Just gives enough to keep me hanging around. Is that weird or what. My heart just jumped and now I feel wobbly. I hate that feeling! I don’t know if its true, but it could be. She seems keen to notice if I start drifting off, then does something to get my attention, like calls or texts. I wonder why tho. I mean if she is not interested, than why continue to drag this out? She doesn’t have too. I don’t ask her too call me. she just does. She has other friends and guys she knows. She doesnt need me. That is why I have a hard time understanding this situation.

 

I do believe you are right about her being in a weird place right now. Maybe that is what this is all about. Her just needing time to find her way out of the rabbit hole. So I will give it to her.

 

But also Yes, I am concerned about my own happiness. I have certain expectations like anyone else. And if my happiness isnt more directly addressed in the next month I guess i feel like i will have no choice but to start being a little more selfish. 1/15/2010 is D-day. I hope it doesnt come to that.

[trueblue72ny]

Hi Wondering Girl : )

 

My week is better now : ) thanks for chiming in. what’s new?? Yes, I was going to break up with her and chickened out. then she got into an auto accident the same night and was really upset. it tugged at me and I caved.

 

Ya, It still puzzles me too! she shows pretty much all the signs but yet nothing! Its like huh?

 

Yes I feel like there are sparks when we are together. Lots of smiles and hugs and we even play some footies under the table. It is not forced and no one is trying. It just happens naturally. Again, it completely puzzles me because I don’t ask to do any of this.

 

What do you mean about your first bf? Did you drag things out with him and didn’t want to be with him?? I have thought about that scenario with this one and figured I had myself insulated from that by letting her call me. than that way I am not pressuring her to do anything she does not want too.

[Trinitron]

trueblue72ny, yep I've seen this before, trust me.

 

She's throwing out breadcrumbs.....................and you're eating

them all up like you've not seen food for months. Right?

 

You tell her how you feel and she's vague, right?

 

Everythings about her,kids,ex,finances,etc., right?

 

You're over-analyzing because you can't figure out where you stand.

Right?

 

Dude, do yourself a favor and ditch this chick, she may not be useing

you like my last disaster was, but she's useing you none the less.

 

Open up that bottom drawer grab that spare titanium spine and

that extra big pair of stones and decide that you should and will

be treated better, and won't tolerate anything less.

 

Nope, not next week............ASAP.

Trinitron

[trueblue72ny]

hey trinitron,

 

thanks for taking the time to post.

 

ya know it could be breadcrumbs, not sure. didnt think of that one before. i have told her im interested. i think its ok to show interest, but i have not gone overboard. call it lessons learned in the past that are still fresh in my mind (my ex). i do not beg her for anything. and i have been reserved in my actions towards her.

 

it doesnt take me long to get over new ones if it doesnt work out. what kills me are the long term ones that i am with for years. so right now i just act interested, but indifferent all at the same time. in fact my attitude right now is if she doesnt call, than we dont talk.

 

i will give her a little more time since she seems to be putting in the effort of keeping up contact and showing some interest. that, and i am feeling pretty sure she is not out there trying to meet other guys. but like i said if it goes on much longer than i am just going to have to tell her, hey! im going to see what else is out there!

[wondering_girl]

hi trueblue, how was your weekend? any improvements with the cutie? i hope everything is better, it seems like you really like her...

 

before the silent treatment bf, i dated someone before him i was just comfy we were young and i kept "feeling bad" or didn't find the right time to break up with him, and then little did you know years down the road i dragged it on i knew i wasn't gonna marry him simply bc his goals are not on track, but for you guys, i completely understand how you want to know where things are going ya know because i'm old lols and i wanna know too.....

 

how has your week been? i been ok, just working, working-out same ol stuff..

[trueblue72ny]

ok, d-day just got moved up to 12/17. not dealing with her games so i made the decision yesterday and didnt chicken out this time. i feel better already. after 3 months of nothing i have had enough! the last straw was last night when i asked her , so do i get to take you out for your bday?? her response, well i heard thru the grapevine my bro is planning a family dinner. my thoughts: thats cool, BUT we didnt see each other last weekend, this weekend you are busy, next weekend for xmass you are busy, then the next weekend it will be something else, and something else, and something else, so the only time i get to see you is an hour or two a week while you are doing your errands? ppppppffff that! and thats all its been the whole time all while she is telling me she is intersted, calls me everynight, but yet does nothing about it. i need action, not words!

 

if she had said hey i am busy this night but i want to see you another night..... that would be cool. but i dont get that.

 

now she writes me and says she gets that i am mad, now all the sudden her bro is mad at her for some unknown reason and the dinner is canned. (ya right whatever) i didnt respond to her. i didnt tell her anything, i just started ignoring her. now she tells ME that I am being childish. give me a break. not falling for it this time. i am sure we will be speaking again, and thats cool, but i am just going to tell her you say you are interested but it doesnt explain why we never spend any time together getting to know each other. so i am keeping my options open at this point.

 

i got this girl playing games with me. i got my ex at work trying to make herself my friend but only on her terms, once again. and now i have another girl i was hanging out with over the summer calling me wanting to hang out. that is another reason i decided to start moving on here. this girl from the summer, havent heard from her in months! i kept blowing her off. now out of the blue its like hey, want to hang out? it just goes to show you how easy it really is to hang out with someone if you want too!

 

and guess what??? i dont feel bad what so ever!!!!!!

[herselftheelf]

I'd end it too.. and not settle for any crumbs just because she feels like you're backing away. If you decide to give her another chance, dont settle for less than what you wanted.

 

I had a friend/ boyfriend do this for moooooooonths. In the end, it got better.. but we still dealt with things like him not calling me his girlfriend, I was his "friend".. he gave me his time by that point, slept over 4 nights a week etc.. but there was always that dumb stuff. He wouldnt change his facebook relationship status. when I complained enough, he DID, but removed the post from his wall so people wouldnt notice. Just dumb stuff.. It doesnt ever turn into what you want if you have to do ALL the chasing like that.

Even if the things you want now, she starts to do.. you'll have to fight for the next step.

[trueblue72ny]

Well, since I started moving on with my life, I have heard from her several times this weekend. I told her again just this morning - I told ya before if you just want to be friends than that is ok with me. it is not a big deal. We can just be pals!! I don’t care!!! She keeps telling me I am wrong, and that is why she wants to have a chat with me. I said I don’t get what we have to chat about, you are either into it! or you are not! I she kind of got mad, but its true. And I don’t care. I told her also If you are interested like you say you are I need to know Now, like today whats up. this isnt fair to me! I get no No response. She keeps dragging her feet. Too bad I am not affected by it anymore.

 

I guarantee she wont tell me. it will be some other excuse why she cant talk – last night all the sudden her cats back legs are working. Tonight Penguins will be falling out of the sky, who knows.

 

I just don’t get what this talk is about or what it will change. even if she does talk, I do not expect some magic answer that changes and explains her behavior. Like all the sudden things will change overnight and she will be loving and we will be hanging out or something. It doesn’t work like that with people. So I am already moved on in my head. If you are into someone you could not wait that long to be with them. I personally am of the opinion now that I do not think it is me specifically. I think she has major intimacy issues in general -with anyone. That would explain why we only meet out in public. And why every guy she dates leaves or cheats. And why nothing has happened between us! And all I have ever asked for so far was a kiss!!! Imagine what it would be like trying to get a little?? Momma mia! & I cant date a girl that’s got intimacy issues. The issues never go away. intimacy is so intregral to a relationship. its what also helps bond you to each other. And if nothing else in life is going right you can at least get some stress relief. I can not be in a relationship were you only get some maybe 2 -3 times a year. sorry if that sounds shallow but that’s how I feel. I am thinking 2-3 times a week minimum! Non-negotiable.

 

And just like herself the elf said, even IF she starts to do these things, you’ll have to fight for the next step. Im not doing that either!!! it either flows or it doesn’t.

 

her loss. i take pride in my intimacy : )

[singlegirl]

Trueblue I think she is just keeping you interested so you will be there when she needs you...you are a nice guy and she needs someone to call when she's feeling alone....You are IMHO firmly in the friend zone but she knows if she tells you this you may hook up with someone else = no incentive for you to stay!! So she keeps thropwing out crumbs.....She wants you to want her...

 

I would drop her like a hot potato. No one should use someone else as a sounding board if it's non reciprocal....if she wanted you physically you would be lovers by now surely?

[trueblue72ny]

You are absolutely correct I will start looking for someone else. in fact i am going to start now. And just so you know its not all about the intimacy. It was all about that when I was 18, but now its also about having someone to share your life with. Its nice having a shoulder to lean on. And if you cant even get that, let alone some love, what IS the point? I mean seriously. Just don’t get what some people are thinking.

[singlegirl]

I get it about the intimacy thing. It's not the lack of sex you object to but the lack of physical connection and affection...The man I was with used witholding sex/erections as a form of control. I never refused him once

 

God only knows what people do think and feel...Some people are just self absorbed and their adgenda is to just have their own needs met. You sound like a great guy...Go out there and find a nice girl who will appreciate you. Tons of them are looking