Spinning Head Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 Husband and I separated for about 1.5 years with two children ages 8 and 4. My frustration level with his lack of interest in our children keeps increasing. Tonight was difficult because he was going to get them for a couple of hours after school and bailed out because he's attending his GF's son's play. He doesn't pay child support on a regular basis which is infuriating. He went three months of not paying any child support and finally gave me $400 this month. He makes $60K/year. I am paying all private school and daycare costs, food, clothing, Santa, etc. I realize that I could take him to court for child support but I don't want to create more problems. Last month, I got an e-mail from him that he wants to spend more time with his GF. He stated that his GF doesn't mind him seeing his kids during the week. GF has been married twice and has four kids. GF told him that he does too much for his kids. I called him and told him that I didn't mind changing the time he spends with our children so he can spend alone time with GF. I did mind GF's comments that he did too much for his children because I don't think he does enough. He wanted to spend the Thanksgiving break with GF. I told him that I needed to work on Saturday. So, I hired a babysitter to watch our children so that I could work. That night, the children called him and he was at home. Turns out he and GF had had a fight on Thanksgiving Day and GF wasn't talking to him so he stayed at home the entire holiday. The children wanted to spend the night with him which he said was okay because he was home but he had no food for them. So, I took the children to his house along with food for them to eat - including snacks and drinks. I was mad because I spent $50 on a babysitter when he could have watched them. Our daughter has a Christmas program on Monday. I told him about it on November 3rd. Our daughter reminded him last week. When he bailed out tonight on seeing the children, I reminded hiim again about the program. He said he had forgotten about it. I really don't know how to handle these issues. The fight with his GF was caused because he forgot to go to her house for Thanksgiving! How do you forget that?! But, he did that while we were married. He failed to show up for our daughter's program last year and she still talks about it. I make copies of information about our children's school/daycare events and their activities and give it to him. I used to call him to discuss things but over the past few weeks, he will not return my calls. Now, I e-mail him and he may/may not respond to the e-mails. I'd appreciate any comments/suggestions on how to deal with these issues.
hogangoatcher Posted December 11, 2009 Posted December 11, 2009 It sounds to me like he either is depressed or has a drinking problem. It is truly unfortunate that your children have to suffer like that. I guess its like the serenity prayer: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. You can't change who he is, and like it or not you are stuck with him as the father of your children. All you can do is be the best parent that you can be, give him gentle reminders of how his behaviors impact the children, and hope that he gets his act together. I feel for you and wish you the best!
ADF Posted December 11, 2009 Posted December 11, 2009 I have said this before, but it bears repeating. I used to work at a social service agency that dealt with child support enforcement issues, among other things. I was always stunned--STUNNED--at the number of women who wouldn't file for child support in order not to anger their ex's. Let's get a few things straight: 1) You cannot force your ex to be a good father. All you can do is make sure he supports his kids. 2) More than half of men who do have court-ordered child support don't pay, either at all or in large part. What do think your chances are without a court order? 3) Women who fail to get court-ordered child support are basically willing to risk letting their kids go without just to please a man. Is that right? 4) Women who don't get court-ordered child support will usually only get support if they stay on good terms with their ex's. They basically have to beg. If their ex is pleased with them, he might pay somewhat regularly. But if he gets angry, he will likely just stop paying. Do you want your kids' well-being to depend on the relationship between you and you ex? 5) It isn't you who says your husband has to pay support. The STATE says he has to pay. Don't let him convince you that paying child support is charity, or that it amounts to you stealing his money. It doesn't. He has a legal DUTY to provide for his children. If he doesn't pay, he can go to JAIL. That's how serious it is. Stop wringing your hands about how to make your ex a nice guy. That beyond your power to do. Be a mother instead. Make sure you make him pay what he owes. Don't risk having your kids go without just to please this man.
doushenka Posted December 12, 2009 Posted December 12, 2009 (edited) Just one tiny thought? If your ex isn't reliable enough to pay support, perhaps the older child needs to go to public school until you get back on your feet. I realize public schools have terrible reputations, but if you can't afford private education, then you can't afford it. Also, weren't you the one who wanted to "take the gloves off" in a lawsuit brought by the wife of your boyfriend? Now you don't want to cause any more trouble, even though the affected parties -- aged eight and four -- can't exactly go to bat for themselves? Cause trouble, SH. Cause trouble because your children didn't ask for this, and they sure as heck shouldn't have to suffer for it. Edited December 12, 2009 by doushenka clarification
Boundary Problem Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 Children are very bright and can read the signals. I would definitely get a court-order for production of his tax returns for the past three years and then get proper child support in a court order (even if the arrears just accrue). Eventually the children are going to lose interest in him if he continues with his patterns. You started your post saying you were frustrated with his lack of interest. I don't think that problem is fixable. His interest level comes from within him and he appears to have been consistently disinterested in his children. It sounds like you have been very understanding and trying to make it work. But.....eventually the children are going to figure it out, even if they haven't already.
Eve Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 As one who previously had to deal with an unmotivated Dad I would say that the only thing that matters is your own consistency. You have given many prompts and maybe just need to look at what you do when these prompts are not met? Just let him know that you are not bothering anymore and get on with your life. For example, if Dad does not show up at things for school, dont phone him etc. Just make sure you have something prepared as a means to make sure the kids can voice their upset.. but get on with things. The kids are going to be more attuned to you than him. His committment to his GF and her children to me is just an excuse that he is failing to hiding behind pretty terribly. Kids adapt eventually. Dont over compensate because of him, keep it real and be honest with the kids but do spare them all the details. Dont cover up for him though. A simple, 'Doesnt look like Dad has made it tonight. You were fantastic!' and a hug may not seem like it is enough but really in my opinion its all about damge limitation until the kids can figure things out for themselves. I cant comment on the child support issue as we live in different social environments. I chose not to go that route but I could stand by that decision without it having a detrimental affect on my children nor what I could realistically provide on my own. Take care, Eve xx
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