someotherguy Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 Bombshell - I found out recently that my girlfriend is bipolar. So, I'm looking for people with firsthand knowledge to offer advice on how to date someone who has this condition. Please do not reply if your post is fear mongering, vitriolic, knee-jerk nonsense. Honestly, I've been suspecting something for awhile now, as she has moments of "less than ideal clarity" when she gets a weird look on her face and responds to me or external events very slowly, and sometimes in an odd fashion. She also gets a bit distant at times, and can be hesitant about talking about her feelings. I've done a lot of research on the illness, but there's not a lot of literature on the subject of being in a relationship with someone who is dealing with it, other than extreme case scenarios. Thanks everybody.
kizik Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 I've been suspecting something for awhile now, as she has moments of "less than ideal clarity" when she gets a weird look on her face and responds to me or external events very slowly, and sometimes in an odd fashion. Jezzus, you're making me flash back to my borderline personality disorder exGF. She'd get crazy eyes and a soft, scary voice... What a b*tch, hope she plays in traffic Bipolar and borderline are similar. There is nothing you can do and she will make your life hell. That is all.
paddington bear Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 Jezzus, you're making me flash back to my borderline personality disorder exGF. She'd get crazy eyes and a soft, scary voice... What a b*tch, hope she plays in traffic Bipolar and borderline are similar. There is nothing you can do and she will make your life hell. That is all. No, I don't think they are the same. Bipolar (as far as I know) means there are manic highs and then crashing lows and it can be treated with medication. Borderline Personality Disorder...all I can say Kizik is I feel your pain and anyone else even thinking of going near anyone with BPD. Run Away, fast as you can. I had a Borderline woman in my life for 7 months and she made my life an utter, living hell. My therapist (who I went to as this woman was driving me to my own form of insanity and I could not cope) said 'I can only take on one or two BPD clients otherwise I'd throw myself out of the window'. This woman was so evil and moral-free with her nasty, manipulative craziness that I still (even though I have escaped her) say that if I saw her run over by a car and she was lying jerking on the street pouring blood, and in dire need of an ambulance, that I would walk on by. One of the characteristics of BPD's is that they think there is nothing wrong with them and therefore will not take medication and drop out of therapy - and it is not a brain chemistry problem, more of a reaction to past experiences problem therefore medication does not help - whereas Bipolar is brain chemistry and can be treated to some degree.
sand26 Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 What medications is she taking? When was she diagnosed? Has she been diagnosed with any other illness?
kizik Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 No, I don't think they are the same. Bipolar (as far as I know) means there are manic highs and then crashing lows and it can be treated with medication. Borderline Personality Disorder...all I can say Kizik is I feel your pain and anyone else even thinking of going near anyone with BPD. Run Away, fast as you can. I had a Borderline woman in my life for 7 months and she made my life an utter, living hell. My therapist (who I went to as this woman was driving me to my own form of insanity and I could not cope) said 'I can only take on one or two BPD clients otherwise I'd throw myself out of the window'. This woman was so evil and moral-free with her nasty, manipulative craziness that I still (even though I have escaped her) say that if I saw her run over by a car and she was lying jerking on the street pouring blood, and in dire need of an ambulance, that I would walk on by. One of the characteristics of BPD's is that they think there is nothing wrong with them and therefore will not take medication and drop out of therapy - and it is not a brain chemistry problem, more of a reaction to past experiences problem therefore medication does not help - whereas Bipolar is brain chemistry and can be treated to some degree. Good distinctions, good points. To be fair I never said they were "the same," but I can understand your frustration at the comparison. You're right, BPDs are f*cked-up people who don't think anything is wrong with them. I bought a book called "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and it has helped me a lot. Bipolar is treatable, and thank the good lord for this. Both, however, make it nearly impossible to be in an R with the person. Life is just simply too hard dealing with them. They are not for the mentally stable.
JustLooking123 Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 The things you describe don't necessarily sound like they are due to her bipolar disorder. Have there been sustained episodes of depression and/or manic episodes that you're aware of?
abd Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 Bombshell - I found out recently that my girlfriend is bipolar. So, I'm looking for people with firsthand knowledge to offer advice on how to date someone who has this condition. Please do not reply if your post is fear mongering, vitriolic, knee-jerk nonsense. Honestly, I've been suspecting something for awhile now, as she has moments of "less than ideal clarity" when she gets a weird look on her face and responds to me or external events very slowly, and sometimes in an odd fashion. She also gets a bit distant at times, and can be hesitant about talking about her feelings. I dated a girl whose mother was bipolar, and who went on and off her medication. I and others suspect the daughter (my girlfriend at the time) may have had bipolar tendencies. For example, there were many occasions when she would just "shut down" - if our conversation was an emotional or heated one, she would just stop talking, face went blank, for 10 or 15 minutes at a time. Nothing you could do or say would get her to respond. At times this happened while we in a car, and we'd reach the destination, and she would refuse to move from her seat or leave the car. At that point, I'd usually just give up and go do something else for a while. She'd also have the highs and lows... hysterical laughter and what seemed like happiness, but that could quickly lead to tearful breakdowns. Anyway, I'm not an expert on whether that makes someone bipolar or not... I know she was talking to a therapist for a while about it. BUT, all I can do is echo paddington bear. Run away. It's a tragedy, and it's not the person's fault, but it's something neither you nor they can control. Looking at my girlfriend's mother's marriage, even when the person is on their medication, it's going to be something you will constantly deal with throughout your life. Why put yourself through that?
Dark_of_the_Moon Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 Ok, I have never dated anyone with BPD, however. My father and my brother were both bi-polar. Living with someone with this condition is devastatingly hard. MY father was actually undiagnosed but all the symptoms were there, I did not know about any of this until after his suicide when my brother was diagnosed. Then I did a lot of research on the internet. Now I know more about it than I wish I ever did...probably because the knowledge came too late to be of any good. Speaking as someone who grew up in a house with someone who is bi-polar. He made my moms very life difficult. He was a wonderful man, most of the time. But, the times...and I will use your description, "moments of less than ideal clarity" were not something that are easily dealt with. There was no logic, nothing we could do to prevent these episodes. You can not say, "well if I don't do this" she wont go off... "if I do this" it will be ok. It isn't like that. Both of those men in my life lost the battle with these demons through suicide, which I can not tell you how scarring that is to the survivors. My father refused to get help. My brother did seek help and was put on medication. He was fine for a time, until his meds were changed. On another note. After the example of brothers suicide, we had a friend of the family who is also bi-polar and married take it as a wake up call. He got help, he loves his wife dearly and she him. He is now on meds and for him they are working, he does not want to follow my brothers path. The two of them are working on his trouble, and seem to be doing well. Of course I am not privy to the details of their private life but, he is working on the issues of the hand he has been dealt. So it is possible. She has to admit there is a problem and get on meds and treatment though. You cant do it for her.
Author someotherguy Posted December 10, 2009 Author Posted December 10, 2009 I'm not 100% positive, but I think she's on abilify and something else for her depression (the depression I've known about since the start). She was diagnosed over a decade ago, and has been consistently on these meds for at least a few years (since abilify was approved by the fda, 2004 i think she said). She sees a doc every few months, and a therapist regularly, so it seems like she has a pretty good handle on managing the illness. She has not had any episodes during the time we have been dating, we have not had more than a couple days apart in months, so I would have noticed.
Dark_of_the_Moon Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 Good that she is dealing with it and that you know of it. My advice would be educate yourself as much as possible on this so you know what to expect.
Author someotherguy Posted December 11, 2009 Author Posted December 11, 2009 Well, part of that education is what I'm looking for by posting here.
Ophelia Rue Posted December 11, 2009 Posted December 11, 2009 I'm bipolar. I've known this for about 6 years. I've been dating my boyfriend for a year and he has never found out. I'm kind of ashamed of it. I know it's not really my fault but we don't live together and if I'm having a manic episode I just limit my contact to a text with "Hi, hope you're doing okay, miss you, xoxox" or something. With medication a bipolar personality can be controlled. I decided to stop using meds because they were drugging me out. All I wanted to do was sleep all day and that's just not me...good for some people, but not me. So I've resorted to just shutting myself off from the world when I'm in a dark area. He'll probably find out eventually if we decide to live together or something. But for right now, ignorance is bliss. How old is your gf? I've found that the mania gets better with age. In most cases. That's what you really have to worry about, is the manic episodes. Good luck.
bluestraps Posted December 11, 2009 Posted December 11, 2009 How long do you got . I went through 10 years with my ex. The first is making sure she feels you care. And have understanding.
bac Posted December 11, 2009 Posted December 11, 2009 (edited) If you have done research on Bd, you know that there are ups and downs in her mind. The downs are depression with low self-esteem , fatigue and suicidal ideation. The ups are euphoria, high self-esteem, high libido with hypersexuality, insomnia, poor judgement and other signs. if she has the diagnosis, it does not mean she really has it. Doctors typically have difficulty to do the differential diagnosis for psychiatric disorders because the symptoms of different disorders are often similar. Real BDs are only 1% population. In other words, she might have something else but not a BD. As for dating, it is rare that girls have high libido so I think it is a good thing. If it is desirable to limit euphoria and other ups, she should use medications which are lithium or smth else. They do not like to take medications for ups because ups feel good. How to date your girl hard to say because it depends on her diagnosis, and specific symptoms. BD has genetic linkage. . Edited December 11, 2009 by bac
bluestraps Posted December 11, 2009 Posted December 11, 2009 The normal problems people have are amplified in a person who has a mental disorder. It can make dealing with the person difficult. Otherwise is ther normal function like a career , friends, interests. My Ex has depression but I always thought it was worse It semed like for a while she would be happy, have a lot of energy, almost full of herself. And then she would get really moody ,tired and would get really lonely. Even though she had me and could talk to me. She doesnt work , Her therapists told mom not to push her too hard. She doesnt drive. But otherwise she is really normal and really fun and smart. Each person may have different issues. If they are pleasant to be around most of the time, I think i'ts worth it
Author someotherguy Posted December 11, 2009 Author Posted December 11, 2009 Ophelia, why did you choose not to inform him of your illness? Do you not consider your relationship 'serious'?
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