mychoo1 Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 Hi, I've been reading around here for quite a while, and just never really have decided to post. I have been married for 9 yrs. We have 3 young kids. oldest being 7. My husband is self employed. He works 7 days a week and 362 days a year. OUr marriage has always been rocky to say the least, and alot of it stems from his work and never being home. Also when thing happen like today. My truck would not start this morning, It's a -20 windchill out so I wasnt totally suprised. I asked my husband to bring home a jumper box thing so that i could charge it and would have my truck. He said no, that he would pick up our son from school. Ok fine I said dont be late. I even called him an hour before to remind him. (work is 5 minutes from school). He gets out at 3. at 3:20 I get a call that he hadnt been picked up. I told the secretary my husband was on his way. Called husband and he says he is busy at shop and will be leaving in a minute, 3:50 I get another call and my son is still sitting there! Now husband wont pick up his phone because he knows I'm not happy. He had told me it was the schools problem and they can wait for him because they discontinued bus service! Finally I called someone else to go pick up my son from school at 4:00. Shortly after that his friend shows up to fix my truck, he tells me my husband is busy at work. This is one example. There was an incident where I had a couple of friends visiting from out of town and we went for drinks. Husband was watching the kids. My friends and I decided to go home early, and I passed work on the way home. What do I know. He had left the kids at home and went to the shop! Then lied to me and told me our alarm had gone off there, still no reason at all to leave your kids at home! I just dont know what to do here. I am so sick myself and our kids being the last thing on his mind! He gets done with work at 6-7 but never comes home until 10 or later. I have been sitting here for 10 years waiting for a life with him , and I dont think I will wait much longer. Especially when hes proven he cant even make time for his children!
Heroic Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 Try this sentence on him. I'm glad your working so hard to pay your child support and my alimony......
HeyThere Posted December 11, 2009 Posted December 11, 2009 Do the two of you talk and have fun w/ each other?
Author mychoo1 Posted December 11, 2009 Author Posted December 11, 2009 Rarely, we maybe get one night out every several months. And as of now, I have told him he needs to put his kids as a priority. Its unacceptable that I had to find someone else to pick our son up when he was a no show. All he did was call me a lazy b****, and say hes working. I have 3 little kids and cant even find time to hardly sit down. He does work hard , we have a decent house and more cars than anyone ever needs. But I feel like he puts this need to look successful over us every single day. And is nothing but critical of me. I will never be enough.
frozensprouts Posted December 11, 2009 Posted December 11, 2009 are you seriously telling me that he left your children home alone and the oldest is just seven? What the @#*&^ is he thinking! Please tell me that he had a sitter or someone with them! If not, I would be kicking his butt up and down the street! What if something happened to those kids and no adult was there ? if he did leave them home all alone to go ton work, there's something not going from point A to point B in his head.
Author mychoo1 Posted December 11, 2009 Author Posted December 11, 2009 Yes, He did. Left them alone. I have come to the conclusion that there is nothing I can do to make him decide to make us a priority. Honestly I think this is the last straw here. I am sick of spending 5 or more nights alone in my house everyweek with him wondering in at 3am because he was working late or out with friends. He tried to tell me he didnt want to be home because the house was unorganized (its not but I clean.) the clutter is his stuff from his business. So i organize and clean and its still not enough. He will never want to be here,and I dont think I want him here if all he can do is critisize me 24/7
hopeful1980 Posted December 11, 2009 Posted December 11, 2009 Do you want to stay married to him? Maya Angelou once said, "If you don't like something change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude." I think that quote describes this situation. You aren't going to be able to change him. Accept that fact. You will have to change yourself. I'm not implying that you kiss his ass. I just think right now you are so focused on why he's not doing what he's supposed to be doing that you've lost sight of what you really want and who you are. Be yourself. Do things for yourself and make yourself happy. Forget about him for the time being and work on you. At the very least you will have less stress. Once you've found peace with the situation, you'll be able to make a decision with a clear head.
Author mychoo1 Posted December 11, 2009 Author Posted December 11, 2009 Your right, I need to clear my head. I probably am focusing on what he's not doing. He expects so much of me. To take care of the house the kids, part of the business, whatever he asks. But when it comes to the simplest thing I'm always let down. There's no compromise here. His work is his excuse for being completely absent and unpleasant, for the last 9 years. There's always the promise that things will change and they never do. I don't think I can stay in this situation forever. I'm so stressed every single day wondering when is my husband coming home tonight or if. And when he does am I getting Jekyll or Hyde?
hopeful1980 Posted December 11, 2009 Posted December 11, 2009 Your right, I need to clear my head. I probably am focusing on what he's not doing. He expects so much of me. To take care of the house the kids, part of the business, whatever he asks. But when it comes to the simplest thing I'm always let down. There's no compromise here. His work is his excuse for being completely absent and unpleasant, for the last 9 years. There's always the promise that things will change and they never do. I don't think I can stay in this situation forever. I'm so stressed every single day wondering when is my husband coming home tonight or if. And when he does am I getting Jekyll or Hyde? Stop worrying about him and what he's doing it. I know it's easier said than done because I've been there. The more I worry, the more impatient I become. I can't sleep, I toss and turn and think of the worst. When my husband didn't come home and when he let me down it would literally make my hair fall out. Come to find out, he wasn't coming home because he didn't like being around a worrying nagging wife who only focused on the bad things. He couldn't see that if he would stop doing what he was doing, I wouldn't worry! It was a never ending cycle and I decided to be the one who made the first step to end it. I decided to stop worrying about him and what he was doing and move on with my life. Not only did he not like me, I didn't like me and I hated the fact that I let his actions dictate how happy I was. I control my own happiness regardless of whether my husband comes home or not or picks up the kids or not. Those are his choices and they don't have anything to do with me. So I decided that I would just take a warm bath and an ambien when he didn't come home and get my sleep. As soon as I woke up, I'd get myself dressed and ready and leave him with the kids the next morning and if I couldn't do that I'd find a babysitter. When he treated me the worst, I started treating myself the best. I treated myself the way I wanted him to treat me and I stopped expecting anything from him. Basically, I stopped acting needy. Let me tell you, he straightened up in no time. Once and a while he tried to bait me with, "I'm glad you stopped nagging me all the time" or something to that effect to which I just simled and said, "I'm much happier now." Find happiness within yourself and stop waiting for him to act right before you are happy. Just be a happier person all around and see how it effects the rest of your life including your marriage. If things don't change after a while, then come to a decision. In the meantime, let the stress and worry go.
RedDevil66 Posted December 11, 2009 Posted December 11, 2009 My ex was like this. We owned a biz and he worked out of the house 7 days a week and I never spent time with him. Turns out, he was having an affair and left me. If I had to do it all over (which I would not cause I am SO glad I am not with him), but I would have gone to therapy, made my own life, stopped nagging him, got back into the drivers seat and took control of my life. Start to detach and they come running. You need to show him you're worth more than this but first, you need to know you're worth more and take the action in that way
waltham781 Posted December 11, 2009 Posted December 11, 2009 True true true. Great post. Being on the other side of this, a small business owner thinks very little about anything else in life. It was never his idea to keep this as a small business for 9 years, it should be bigger by now, he should have more time off, he is a control freak and has a hard time delegating. Having your wife check out puts shock waves into your stance. She stops trying, she makes time for herself, you have the kids more often, she is on the phone, new boots, new makeup. She is 100% behaving like a woman on a mission, powered, no longer the "anxious mother" she trots out to the book store and stalks down her own copy of Greer's The Female Unich. That will wake him up. If it doesn't, pack it up.
hopeful1980 Posted December 11, 2009 Posted December 11, 2009 True true true. Great post. Being on the other side of this, a small business owner thinks very little about anything else in life. It was never his idea to keep this as a small business for 9 years, it should be bigger by now, he should have more time off, he is a control freak and has a hard time delegating. Having your wife check out puts shock waves into your stance. She stops trying, she makes time for herself, you have the kids more often, she is on the phone, new boots, new makeup. She is 100% behaving like a woman on a mission, powered, no longer the "anxious mother" she trots out to the book store and stalks down her own copy of Greer's The Female Unich. That will wake him up. If it doesn't, pack it up. That's absolutely correct. When I stopped hounding my husband to make me happy and started taking care of myself my husband thought I was having an affair! I'm not kidding. I started working out and eating right. I bought new clothes, got my hair and nails done. I reconnected with an old college girlfriend and started going out with her leaving him home with the kids. I started reading more and talking about things that were interesting and then HE became clingy to me! He started asking when I'd like to go out with him and about the books I was reading. He started calling me 5x a day asking me if I needed anything. He completely changed when I completely changed. I was a new woman and he wanted to be a part of my life. Things aren't perfect now, but they are way better. Whenever I feel like he's taking me for granted now, I just schedule a hair appointment or make arrangements to go out with my friend. It's in those time when I know I need more self-care to get us back on track.
Author mychoo1 Posted December 11, 2009 Author Posted December 11, 2009 hmm, I think I have stopped doing a lot lately. I used to go shopping and always had my nails done, fresh haircut working out (I am in shape still). I used to go hangout with my girlfriends. But I stopped almost all of it recently. Well I stopped going out when I found him at the shop and he had left our kids alone. And I stopped shopping due to our business slowing down. I need to find a reliable sitter I think, and just realize I can count him out in that area. Waltham 781, completley true. In his mind, it seems no matter how much he has accomplished or how big this business gets it should still be better. It doesnt help the economy being bad has slown us down. Things are ok, but no where near the way they were a couple years ago. Even still we are expanding.
LucreziaBorgia Posted December 11, 2009 Posted December 11, 2009 Call me a cynic, but he clearly isn't making time for you or your children and I can't help but to wonder who else he is making time for? There is a bit too much unaccounted for time in your post to just write it off as him hanging out with buddies, etc.
Author mychoo1 Posted December 11, 2009 Author Posted December 11, 2009 I agree. Some of those nights I know he is out with his buddies. Others I have no idea, he says he is working, but I can't say otherwise. He left his cell home on accident a few times and I had to answer it ( Business phone),. But he also has store phones and email that i dont have access too. There was an ordeal a few weeks ago where a woman was texting him. Not often , but apperantly he was talking to her about our relationship and vice versa, shes also married. He said he didnt want anything to do with her in that way, and the texts didnt really imply what if anything was going on. Most of the time he didnt reply. But when I texted her and asked what was going on (I was friendly about it). She flat out told me she didnt want anything to do with me, and didnt want to know me. Odd?? when your suppoded to be just My husbands friend?
MSUE Posted December 11, 2009 Posted December 11, 2009 we have a decent house and more cars than anyone ever needs. But I feel like he puts this need to look successful over us every single day. And is nothing but critical of me. I will never be enough. If you have all these cars how come you weren't able to use one of them to get your son? I'm not defending him by any means but it makes no sense...cause of the cars
MSUE Posted December 11, 2009 Posted December 11, 2009 Its so messed up though the fact that he left three young kids alone...anything could have gone wrong...maybe its not all work...maybe there is someone else in the picture...
Author mychoo1 Posted December 11, 2009 Author Posted December 11, 2009 If you have all these cars how come you weren't able to use one of them to get your son? I'm not defending him by any means but it makes no sense...cause of the cars My SUV, which is my winter car died. It was blocking my other main car which was in the garage. The other car in the garage was a 2 seater with racing seats, roll bars, cant put 3 kids in there. The other cars are in storage away from our house. I wouldnt have been able to get a car out of the garage regardless, it was frozen shut. I did ask to have my charger brought home or another car, dropped off but my husband said he would just pick up our son.
MSUE Posted December 11, 2009 Posted December 11, 2009 k that makes a lil more sense now yikes! u guys need a serious sit down and sort this out specially for the sake of the children
TinyLee222 Posted December 12, 2009 Posted December 12, 2009 I agree. Some of those nights I know he is out with his buddies. Others I have no idea, he says he is working, but I can't say otherwise. He left his cell home on accident a few times and I had to answer it ( Business phone),. But he also has store phones and email that i dont have access too. There was an ordeal a few weeks ago where a woman was texting him. Not often , but apperantly he was talking to her about our relationship and vice versa, shes also married. He said he didnt want anything to do with her in that way, and the texts didnt really imply what if anything was going on. Most of the time he didnt reply. But when I texted her and asked what was going on (I was friendly about it). She flat out told me she didnt want anything to do with me, and didnt want to know me. Odd?? when your suppoded to be just My husbands friend? Oh boy, this doesn't sound good given your husbands indifference to you and your children. Why is he speaking to a married woman via text regarding your marriage? I would not be so sure about him not wanting anything to do with her. If she is supposed to be a friend to him why would she say such a thing to you? His anger towards you and his blatent disregard for his children is troubleing. Do you have access to his cell phone bills and credit cards? You may want to do a little investigating. Do not let on until you get the answers you need. Lee
Tayla Posted December 12, 2009 Posted December 12, 2009 This post has some odd mystery tone to it. Sometimes its what the poster doesnt say that carry's weight. 1: Poster didnt say she loves her spouse. 2: Poster didnt say she wants quality time with him 3: Poster didnt say she dated him because of his ambition (although I can almost guarantee this was a turn on to have an ambitious self made man around) 4: Poster didnt say she wants to change the environment 5: Poster didnt say she has close friends or a social life outside of being a parent. 6: Poster didnt say she regards her spouse ( matter of fact, she seems to not like him very much after all this time passing) Their is a movie called Fireproof. watch it, read the book. It talks about mending relationships, and how to change the environment so the relationship can improve. Its not easy to endure an environment where as a lady, a woman , a person who contributes to the household, gets locked into one role of the Mom. You lose your whole identity which is far more then just one role in life. Find yourself again, gain some hobbies, enjoy yourself and celebrate that you can and will get thru this, you just need to re-arrange yourself
Author mychoo1 Posted December 12, 2009 Author Posted December 12, 2009 Do I love my husband, yes. But it just seems like we almost never get along, I feel like that is getting buried somewhere underneath all the stuff that is going on and I'm going to get numb soon. we cant go anywhere without some sort of argument. Tried taking a vacation last year for a few days , just the 2 of us, and fought half the time. I came back rethinking things. I want to spend time with him, I crave quality time, but it's rare and when we do get it we almost always just end up arguing over something. It has to change. I have to make changes too, I realize that believe me Life is short , I lost my little brother in Iraq not very long ago and that's a big part of why I'm sitting here, trying to figure out what is going on.
HeyThere Posted December 12, 2009 Posted December 12, 2009 Stop worrying about him and what he's doing it. I know it's easier said than done because I've been there. The more I worry, the more impatient I become. I can't sleep, I toss and turn and think of the worst. When my husband didn't come home and when he let me down it would literally make my hair fall out. Come to find out, he wasn't coming home because he didn't like being around a worrying nagging wife who only focused on the bad things. He couldn't see that if he would stop doing what he was doing, I wouldn't worry! It was a never ending cycle and I decided to be the one who made the first step to end it. I decided to stop worrying about him and what he was doing and move on with my life. Not only did he not like me, I didn't like me and I hated the fact that I let his actions dictate how happy I was. I control my own happiness regardless of whether my husband comes home or not or picks up the kids or not. Those are his choices and they don't have anything to do with me. So I decided that I would just take a warm bath and an ambien when he didn't come home and get my sleep. As soon as I woke up, I'd get myself dressed and ready and leave him with the kids the next morning and if I couldn't do that I'd find a babysitter. When he treated me the worst, I started treating myself the best. I treated myself the way I wanted him to treat me and I stopped expecting anything from him. Basically, I stopped acting needy. Let me tell you, he straightened up in no time. Once and a while he tried to bait me with, "I'm glad you stopped nagging me all the time" or something to that effect to which I just simled and said, "I'm much happier now." Find happiness within yourself and stop waiting for him to act right before you are happy. Just be a happier person all around and see how it effects the rest of your life including your marriage. If things don't change after a while, then come to a decision. In the meantime, let the stress and worry go. First - so sorry to learn about your brother. That is an important detail. Second this post by hopeful1980 is spot on. Focus on you - if H turns around great, if not you'll know and feel confident about what to do.
Holding-On Posted December 12, 2009 Posted December 12, 2009 He said no, that he would pick up our son from school. Ok fine I said dont be late. I even called him an hour before to remind him. (work is 5 minutes from school). He gets out at 3. at 3:20 I get a call that he hadnt been picked up. I told the secretary my husband was on his way. Called husband and he says he is busy at shop and will be leaving in a minute, 3:50 I get another call and my son is still sitting there! Now husband wont pick up his phone because he knows I'm not happy. He had told me it was the schools problem and they can wait for him because they discontinued bus service! Finally I called someone else to go pick up my son from school at 4:00. Shortly after that his friend shows up to fix my truck, he tells me my husband is busy at work. This is one example. There was an incident where I had a couple of friends visiting from out of town and we went for drinks. Husband was watching the kids. My friends and I decided to go home early, and I passed work on the way home. What do I know. He had left the kids at home and went to the shop! Then lied to me and told me our alarm had gone off there, still no reason at all to leave your kids at home! I just dont know what to do here. I am so sick myself and our kids being the last thing on his mind! He gets done with work at 6-7 but never comes home until 10 or later. I have been sitting here for 10 years waiting for a life with him , and I dont think I will wait much longer. Especially when hes proven he cant even make time for his children! I'm not sure how previous posters who advise you to leave the kids with him more often have missed this. The OP has clearly demonstrated that her husband neglects/abandons his own children when they are left in his care! I hope you are documenting this neglect. You will have to plan for babysitters but otherwise I agree about recognizing that, for now, you are going to have to make a life without him to count on. I fully understand your situation. I'd be loathe to divorce him too if it meant he would get sole custody of the children from time to time. At least it seems that you have friends you can count on. Many hugs to you.
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