paddington bear Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 Ok, I know there's even a book with the title Why men don't listen and Women can't read maps...which I haven't read (maybe it should be called 'why women don't read books about men not listening'). Anyhoo...I am kind of with a man, let's call him my lover as opposed to a boyfriend. And, yes there is a language barrier there, but leaving that aside. The man does not listen to anything I have to say. I mean nothing. He just talks and talks and then I try to chip in and he just talks over me. Even when he appears to be listening, he is not. I know this is a cliche about men, that they don't listen, but honestly it is the first time I've come across this to such an extreme degree, and it's not just the little things that he just switches off from, but big important 'this should be listened to' things. Just wondering how common this is across the board...have all the previous men I've been with simply been better at covering up the fact that they have totally zoned out, or is the cliche about men not listening simply not true? (and no...I don't rattle on for hours about inconsequential stuff, nor do I bore them to death with heavy conversations, before you ask!)
silic0ntoad Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 I listen. As long as the topic is something stimulating. If you're doing the typical female psycho babble about TMZ or America's Next Top Model, you can bet your bottom dollar those words are going in one ear and out the other, and I am thinking about creative ways to undress you before I pass out that evening.
laRubiaBonita Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 i thinks it's common for human beings....... kind of the ego in us. have you faked listen to him ramble yet? you know- the oblivious head-nod routine......
Author paddington bear Posted December 10, 2009 Author Posted December 10, 2009 What? .............. haaaaaaaa haaa!
Author paddington bear Posted December 10, 2009 Author Posted December 10, 2009 i thinks it's common for human beings....... kind of the ego in us. have you faked listen to him ramble yet? you know- the oblivious head-nod routine...... no, I 'listen' listen and then remember to ask about whatever gem of wisdom or slice of life he'd told me next time we meet, bit of reciprocation would be nice. And he talks over me, drives me mad. I could be telling him that I'm dying of a highly infectious disease and he would be talking over me...grrrr
silic0ntoad Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 So do like I would do. Tell him "STFU. I am speaking. That sh*t is rude."
Yukikazi Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 no, I 'listen' listen and then remember to ask about whatever gem of wisdom or slice of life he'd told me next time we meet, bit of reciprocation would be nice. And he talks over me, drives me mad. I could be telling him that I'm dying of a highly infectious disease and he would be talking over me...grrrr LOL do it.. when he is pulling that **** on you.. start rambling crazy **** till he stops and notices you talking.. then give him a piece of your mind regarding not listening.
kizik Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 To be serious, I am a terrific listener and I am male. So enough with the stereotypes, please.
Author paddington bear Posted December 10, 2009 Author Posted December 10, 2009 Sigh, yeah Yuki, guess I should just say something instead of complaining on a forum...but...he'd probably just zone out and not listen Kizik - that was the point, it is a stereotype isn't it? It's just I seriously have not come across this stereotype ever before...ok once, when I went on a blind date with a French banker with haliatosis who sent me a text message after the date saying 'they are nice, can I play with them?' referring to my breasts....anyway, apart from that 'delightful' non-listening date and this new guy, all other men have been, well, normal, so I was wondering if the stereotype was just that or not.
boogieboy Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 If he is spouting off wisdom to you, then I would gather that he doesnt think you have anything to say that he's interested in hearing. He prolly thinks since he gets to use you as a booty call, "why would I need to listen to her?" Hold the sex as ransom so he will listen to you tell him....whatever he doesnt want to hear about - in his mind. Not your fault, you just might not be interesting enough for him. OR he isnt ready to take you seriously enough toget to know you.
Author paddington bear Posted December 10, 2009 Author Posted December 10, 2009 If he is spouting off wisdom to you, then I would gather that he doesnt think you have anything to say that he's interested in hearing. He prolly thinks since he gets to use you as a booty call, "why would I need to listen to her?" Hold the sex as ransom so he will listen to you tell him....whatever he doesnt want to hear about - in his mind. Not your fault, you just might not be interesting enough for him. OR he isnt ready to take you seriously enough toget to know you. All true, I am a booty call...and likewise, nevertheless, a booty call that has to listen to all his stuff without that being a two-way street...oh my God...I've just had a scary thought...many prostitutes say that the men they are with often want someone to talk to (along with the sex)...I am, now kind of an unpaid prostitute...ha ha. Anyway, if I wanted him as more than a lover I would consider saying something, or taking some action, but, as my mother always says 'that would be like trying to make a silk purse out of a sow's ear'. I guess it's that this guy keeps telling me he loves me...he even proposed...but those words don't match the actions, as in not seeing very often and not listening. Suppose I'm just trying to clarify what I already know, that I am just easy sex for him and the I love you's are all just lies, or said out of some sort of guilt on his part. So basically does the formula generally work this way? : man that doesn't listen = not interested in you as a person, but might be happy to get the sex nevertheless.
sand26 Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 LOL do it.. when he is pulling that **** on you.. start rambling crazy **** till he stops and notices you talking.. then give him a piece of your mind regarding not listening. This. Some people are just not good listeners. Don't ask him to change, just find someone who will listen. If you decide it is not an essential ingredient to this relationship.... then just stop talking very much to him. But don't try to change this tigers stripes... I once had a therapist who gave me awesome advice after I spent two months whining about my GF's recurring problem. She used a metaphor of a cookie store: "You don't go into a cookie store and order an oatmeal cookie with raisins and ask them to remove the oatmeal and raisins and add chocolate chips. You just order a chocolate chip cookie right?" Someone out there will groove with this guy and not care that he doesn't listen, it just won't be an issue. It obviously is for you and probably will continue to be. Go find your type of cookie. good luck.
Author paddington bear Posted December 10, 2009 Author Posted December 10, 2009 Im sorry your post was too long to read I'm sorry, your post was too short to read...scanned right over it
You'reasian Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 Anyhoo...I am kind of with a man, let's call him my lover as opposed to a boyfriend. And, yes there is a language barrier there, but leaving that aside. The man does not listen to anything I have to say. I mean nothing. He just talks and talks and then I try to chip in and he just talks over me. Even when he appears to be listening, he is not. Good luck with that lol hopefully he's from a country where women are treated decently
D-Lish Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 In my experience, there are many men out there that do listen. I would catagorize your guy as selfish rather than a bad listener.
Yukikazi Posted December 11, 2009 Posted December 11, 2009 While he is talking just start saying your hair is on fire and you have 12 wild badgers living in your pants and they are rather peeved that they aren't getting any attention.
boogieboy Posted December 11, 2009 Posted December 11, 2009 So basically does the formula generally work this way? : man that doesn't listen = not interested in you as a person, but might be happy to get the sex nevertheless. Well we dont know him like you do, so who can tell? But would you really rather have this just for sex rather than finding a guy that will talk to ya?
Author paddington bear Posted December 11, 2009 Author Posted December 11, 2009 Well we dont know him like you do, so who can tell? But would you really rather have this just for sex rather than finding a guy that will talk to ya? well of course I'd prefer to have a guy to have sex with and to talk to...but this is a step up from no sex and no one to talk to
Yukikazi Posted December 11, 2009 Posted December 11, 2009 well of course I'd prefer to have a guy to have sex with and to talk to...but this is a step up from no sex and no one to talk to Way to stay positive
carhill Posted December 11, 2009 Posted December 11, 2009 I'm a man and men like you describe in your OP get one strike and they're out as potential friends. I'll force myself to do business which such people but their path in life is very different from my own. When I was younger, I had a bad habit of not letting people completely finish their thoughts before reflecting back or asking a question about what I was hearing, and this came across as rude, so I had to work on slowing down my brain and waiting. However, that's different than the man in your OP, who apparently doesn't listen to or remember anything of significance when you're speaking to him. This is a common complaint from women. Personally, I find that, absent being close friends, men tend to talk 'at' each other rather than 'with' each other. IMO, it's a competitive thing. I've never really understood the dynamic of one-upsmanship as part of male bonding. To me it's just a bunch of self-involved BS. So, I guess I get frustrated just like you do. The upside is I don't have to have sex with such creatures. Thank goodness for that.
Author paddington bear Posted January 7, 2010 Author Posted January 7, 2010 Just an update on this...he was due to call. I was home pottering about. No call. 'Typical of him these days. Unreliable man' I thought. Went to bed late and saw 3 missed calls over the course of the night. Called him the next day to say sorry that I simply didn't hear the phone. Thus ended the no listening (for now). He got so worried that I didn't like him any more and was innocent enough to tell me just that. So, it seems the whole treat 'em mean thing works, even if it was inadvertently.
sparkle Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 Not listening is one thing, but interrupting and talking over you, that's just plain rude. My boyfriend doesn't really speak english, and I don't speak his language, so I guess he never listens to me either...but at least he has an excuse!!! lol
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