streetlamp Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 My SO and I have been together for several years and decided to move in together just about a year ago. I feel like it was such a good, healthy decision. We've really gotten to know each other--the good and the bad--and I feel like it's solidified my feelings about us because now I know that we really can do it. Everything hasn't been easy (I never expected it to be), but we've been able to work through things. The stability is one of the best things about it. I feel like we've created a world that is just ours. BUT, from some comments he's made, I get the sense my SO isn't happy with cohabitation. I can't get an answer as to the specifics, but it's just a gut feeling. I try to intuit his needs and wants, but I'm also not a very good mind reader. It's frustrating to feel like communication isn't open, even if he's simply trying to spare my feelings. I'd rather know so we can work through it if possible. I'm not sure the best way to open up communication about it. What I don't understand is how we (apparently) seem to be having two totally different experiences. I'm quite satisfied with how things are going and accept the occasional hardships as simply part of life. Overall, it has been a positive experience in my eyes. But I feel like he's less interested in us now. What happened? Are his expectations too high? Are mine too low?
abd Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 Couple questions: 1. Did you give a lot of thought to moving in together? What expectations did you have about it? What kind of conversations did you have about it? Was one of you more reluctant or more eager than the other? 2. How long have you felt like something has been off with him? Has he really not said anything, and you're just gathering this from his non-verbal behavior? What I don't understand is how we (apparently) seem to be having two totally different experiences.If your expectations differ, then both of you will be reacting to your living together in different ways. What makes you feel like he is less interested in you? Do you go out less? Not having as much fun or spending as much time together? Those are pretty common things... after a year of living together you've probably gotten into routine and it might be easy for both of you to take the other for granted and not think about investing in your relationship. Luckily those are also easy things to rectify.
Author streetlamp Posted December 10, 2009 Author Posted December 10, 2009 Couple questions: 1. Did you give a lot of thought to moving in together? What expectations did you have about it? What kind of conversations did you have about it? Was one of you more reluctant or more eager than the other? 2. How long have you felt like something has been off with him? Has he really not said anything, and you're just gathering this from his non-verbal behavior? If your expectations differ, then both of you will be reacting to your living together in different ways. What makes you feel like he is less interested in you? Do you go out less? Not having as much fun or spending as much time together? Those are pretty common things... after a year of living together you've probably gotten into routine and it might be easy for both of you to take the other for granted and not think about investing in your relationship. Luckily those are also easy things to rectify. Thanks, abd. These are good questions. We did talk seriously before moving in together and felt we were at a good place emotionally to do it. Plus, a lot of our other couple friends were doing the same, so it didn't feel out of the ordinary to see this as a "next step." The logistics haven't been too much of a problem (though he's sort of messier than me, it's not really an issue). We don't drive each other crazy. He's really not said anything about it (I've asked but don't want to pester), but sometimes it's the things that are unsaid that matter. He doesn't seem to actively enjoy living together that much; it's neutral--not good or bad. He just doesn't really comment on it at all. It's like he doesn't even think about it. Routine isn't bad, but shouldn't it at least feel pleasant?
norajane Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 The stability you think is the best part may be a dull routine/lack of excitement to him. He just doesn't really comment on it at all. It's like he doesn't even think about it. What is it that you would hope he would say? With a lot of guys, if it's not a problem, there's nothing to talk about. If you want to open a discussion with him, ask him what he thinks of your living situation and would he want to continue it when your lease is up.
abd Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 What is it that you would hope he would say? With a lot of guys, if it's not a problem, there's nothing to talk about. If you want to open a discussion with him, ask him what he thinks of your living situation and would he want to continue it when your lease is up. I would second both of these things. You may be a more vocal person, actively commenting about how you think it's great to live together, etc. Maybe he enjoys it, but just doesn't vocalize it. Also, I think the way norajane has worded the second question is important. If instead you confronted him with something like "I feel like you don't like living together," he may not give you an honest response. I don't know if you moved in with the assumption that it would be permanent...
norajane Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 If it is supposed to be permanent, she can ask what he thinks and if there is anything he likes especially or would like to do more of or less of or change. There are lots of ways to ask that are not confrontational. And ways to do it that are not confrontational. For example, I've had better success if I raise issues when I'm not staring directly at the guy and making him feel like he's under a microscope. Just by sitting next to him and cuddling or holding hands and talking instead of sitting across from him with all that scary eye contact changes the dynamic. It's even better if I bring things up while we are doing something else, like cleaning up in the kitchen together after dinner.
Author streetlamp Posted December 11, 2009 Author Posted December 11, 2009 I would second both of these things. You may be a more vocal person, actively commenting about how you think it's great to live together, etc. Maybe he enjoys it, but just doesn't vocalize it. Also, I think the way norajane has worded the second question is important. If instead you confronted him with something like "I feel like you don't like living together," he may not give you an honest response. I don't know if you moved in with the assumption that it would be permanent... Yes, the assumption was that this was for the long term, but I guess most people assume that when moving in together. Who likes moving more than necessary? Communication is hard for him at times. I think he's just not used to talking about how he feels or really examining his feelings critically. Obviously, men aren't often taught to do that, but it can be a real barrier to emotional intimacy. That's something I know that I need but find it hard to get.
norajane Posted December 11, 2009 Posted December 11, 2009 (edited) Yes, the assumption was that this was for the long term, but I guess most people assume that when moving in together. Who likes moving more than necessary? It's assumptions that end up getting people into trouble, rather than the things that are discussed and agreed upon. The truth is, if he's unhappy, when the lease is coming due is exactly when he'll be thinking about moving out. It's actually a good question and good way to raise this topic. "So what do you think, sweets? Are you up for another year of this? :love:" When said with a smile and a squeeze of his hand, you acknowledge that you both always have a choice to be together or not, and that you are not taking him or your relationship for granted. It's also a good opening for him to bring up issues without feeling like he's cornered. "Of course I'm up for another year. But let's promise each other that we will plan more nights out together, and out separately with friends, so we don't fall into a rut of pizza in front of the tv." Or, if it goes the other way, he can reply, "um, actually, I'm not so sure." And it's that opening he needed to air his issues. Communication is hard for him at times. I think he's just not used to talking about how he feels or really examining his feelings critically. Obviously, men aren't often taught to do that, but it can be a real barrier to emotional intimacy. That's something I know that I need but find it hard to get. With people like that, asking them what they THINK is much more productive than asking them what they FEEL. It gives you the answer you need, without sending them into paralysis. Edited December 11, 2009 by norajane
billy356 Posted December 11, 2009 Posted December 11, 2009 That was some REALLY good stuff from Norajane....REALLY good stuff I know myself and had I been approached like that on issues any number of my relationships would have been better..way better.. Great stuff...for both genders...
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