NEVERINTENDEDTHIS Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 I so hope I'm done with this affair for good now. I told him today I was done and we shouldn't contact each other again. I'm so tired of the emotional ride I have been on. I'm tired of his off/on attitude with me. I'm so tired of here lately me begging him to meet me out. Today was the last straw when he informed me how "busy" he was tomorrow. I am married also but I always find the time to be with him. I'm finally mad is that a good sign does this really mean I can do this for good now? Any suggestions or comments would really help me. So glad I found this forum.
whichwayisup Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 He has made you feel like second fiddle..And now you need to do the same to him, except take it further. It's good you've realized that you're sick of feelings this way, that rollercoaster ride you're on.. BUT, you are married and have committments, obligations too. PUT YOUR H first and try to do your best to get the MM out of your system. Reconnect with your H. Remember WHY you got married in the first place. Go to counselling, heal yourself, because if you can't do the NC, your marriage is going to go down the tubes. Hang onto that anger, because in afew days he'll probably call you and try to woo you back in. Tell you sweet nothings and try to convince you to spend time with him, that he does love you, it's just (excuse excuse excuse) has kept him busy. I do have to say though, just because you've put him first and drop everything to go be with him (and he knows you do this too!!) doesn't mean that he has to do the same. He's married, as are you, and he's made sure you aren't first in his life. Then again, neither is his family..He puts himself first, above the needs of everyone else in his life, that's a fact...His actions show you this.
Author NEVERINTENDEDTHIS Posted December 10, 2009 Author Posted December 10, 2009 Thank you so much for the reply! I need to hear those encouraging words. Your right he cares only for himself and no one else. If I had to say I would almost say he is a habitual cheater I just have my thoughts on that. I know if I don't do the NC I will never be able to make my marriage work. I have a good husband and he deserves better then what I have done to him. I will keep you updated. It feels good right now to be mad!
Untouchable_Fire Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 Thank you so much for the reply! I need to hear those encouraging words. Your right he cares only for himself and no one else. If I had to say I would almost say he is a habitual cheater I just have my thoughts on that. I know if I don't do the NC I will never be able to make my marriage work. I have a good husband and he deserves better then what I have done to him. I will keep you updated. It feels good right now to be mad! Don't you think it's wrong that you only go slinking back to your husband at this point? Does he know you have still been in contact with this guy? At some point your going to have to sit down and ask yourself... What kind of person am I?
scorpmale001 Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 u said u had a dday.... and u r still in contact with OM...does ur H know this ...u obviously do not love ur H and do not respect him ...why can't you just let him go...for ur own selfish reasons u r keeping him from finding his love and happiness.... why don't you just let him know wht u have been doing behind his back...
mybrowneyedgirl Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 whats the purpose of the last two posts? to kick her while she's down. to make her feel worse about herself while shes trying to be strong and do the right thing? those posts obviously arent intended to help anyone. so why write those things? some self-gratification, or is it just to take out some personal frustrations on someone else instead of those in your own situation? OP. i understand the rollercoaster and i know how hard it is. stay strong. try your hardest. you are realizing what you need to do and attempting to do the right thing. best of luck to you. take it one day at a time.
scorpmale001 Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 MBEG, "OP. i understand the rollercoaster and i know how hard it is. stay strong. try your hardest. you are realizing what you need to do and attempting to do the right thing. best of luck to you. take it one day at a time." do you really think she doesn't know this.....since she already knows it, whts the purpose of ur post ? wait, wait....oh u r cheater too...that's great IMO you can only give advise or suggestion when you(self) are able to fallow wht u have said over here.... u r pretty much allover the place....that says it all, yourself can not make decision and stand by it...why to give the advise when u r not comfortable with it.... i can only speak for a male....i gave my s***...u gave yours, op has to decide i am neither married nor got cheated on....i am single. i guess,i should not have to be miserable or pathetic to be here...stop looking for reasons behind my suggestion...i think all your q's answered
Untouchable_Fire Posted December 11, 2009 Posted December 11, 2009 whats the purpose of the last two posts? to kick her while she's down. to make her feel worse about herself while shes trying to be strong and do the right thing? those posts obviously arent intended to help anyone. so why write those things? some self-gratification, or is it just to take out some personal frustrations on someone else instead of those in your own situation? OP. i understand the rollercoaster and i know how hard it is. stay strong. try your hardest. you are realizing what you need to do and attempting to do the right thing. best of luck to you. take it one day at a time. I can only speak for myself, but YES my post is intended to help. The point is for OP to ask the questions.... "Am I doing the right thing?" "What kind of person do I want to be?" It's a call for stronger self reflection. Isn't that evident? Had OP's post shown serious introspection, I probably would have offered words of encouragement as you do. Look through my history. I do not provide just cookie cutter responses. You should know that from your own threads!
Author NEVERINTENDEDTHIS Posted December 11, 2009 Author Posted December 11, 2009 MBEG, Thank you so much for your post. To the other 2 post I know what I have done wrong I live with it on a daily basis. The A was not something I thought I would ever do but I did and I have to live with what I have done. YES my husband knows about the A. I want my marriage to work I have come to realize what my AP really is. Was I living in some fantasy world? Probably so but reality has set in. To the ones that gave me encouragement he has not contacted me and I pray he doesn't. I have to stand my grounds and keep up the NC on my part. I will keep posted.
scorpmale001 Posted December 11, 2009 Posted December 11, 2009 My Q was, does your H knew that u r still in contact with OM... what concerns me is ... this "I told him today I was done and we shouldn't contact each other again. I'm so tired of the emotional ride I have been on. I'm tired of his off/on attitude with me." if he is available for ur meetings..u still would have preferred to be with OM than ur H and this "I'm so tired of here lately me begging him to meet me out, I am married also but I always find the time to be with him" this really seems like u really wanted your M to work.
minutebyminute Posted December 12, 2009 Posted December 12, 2009 Stay Strony NIThis, I know where you are at. Torn. There is a lot more you have to go through, it will be a lot of work. If you still have something with your H, work on it, if you still have feelings for the OM, but you know it is over, keep it to yourself, work it out here, there, with friends or IC. At the same time, work on the M. It will all come together, for better or for worse. That is where I am, at a cross roads. By all means, do not listen to posts by people trying to work out their own "crap", this is about you. As you evolve, many more questions will come up. Keep on posting, shed the layers of whatever made you get to this point and then move on. A strong hug to you, and your H. Being the romantic I am, hope all works out for you in the end, meaning your happiness.
Author NEVERINTENDEDTHIS Posted December 14, 2009 Author Posted December 14, 2009 Stay Strony NIThis, I know where you are at. Torn. There is a lot more you have to go through, it will be a lot of work. If you still have something with your H, work on it, if you still have feelings for the OM, but you know it is over, keep it to yourself, work it out here, there, with friends or IC. At the same time, work on the M. It will all come together, for better or for worse. That is where I am, at a cross roads. By all means, do not listen to posts by people trying to work out their own "crap", this is about you. As you evolve, many more questions will come up. Keep on posting, shed the layers of whatever made you get to this point and then move on. A strong hug to you, and your H. Being the romantic I am, hope all works out for you in the end, meaning your happiness. Thank you so much for the advice. I have stayed strong all weekend and it feels good. My weekend was wonderful with my family. It's amazing when you put that AP out of your head and work on your Marriage how much better things can be. I know I have a LONG road ahead of me. I'm so proud of myself my XAP called me Friday at work and I stood strong. I didn't cave in like before. I will continue to post on here. I'm so glad I found this because NO ONE knows what you are going through unless you have been through it. I pray for your strength also. I'm not sure of your story but will see if I can find it on here. Hugs to you!!
Samantha0905 Posted December 14, 2009 Posted December 14, 2009 u said u had a dday.... and u r still in contact with OM...does ur H know this ...u obviously do not love ur H and do not respect him ...why can't you just let him go...for ur own selfish reasons u r keeping him from finding his love and happiness.... why don't you just let him know wht u have been doing behind his back... You don't know if she loves her husband or not. From her posts, I would think she does. whats the purpose of the last two posts? to kick her while she's down. to make her feel worse about herself while shes trying to be strong and do the right thing? those posts obviously arent intended to help anyone. so why write those things? some self-gratification, or is it just to take out some personal frustrations on someone else instead of those in your own situation? OP. i understand the rollercoaster and i know how hard it is. stay strong. try your hardest. you are realizing what you need to do and attempting to do the right thing. best of luck to you. take it one day at a time. I do think a lot of times -- not always -- it's anger speaking and yes, people working out their own frustrations. It's what we're all doing. I can only speak for myself, but YES my post is intended to help. The point is for OP to ask the questions.... "Am I doing the right thing?" "What kind of person do I want to be?" It's a call for stronger self reflection. Isn't that evident? Had OP's post shown serious introspection, I probably would have offered words of encouragement as you do. Look through my history. I do not provide just cookie cutter responses. You should know that from your own threads! I think your posts are mostly helpful. The word "slinking" was not very flattering, but you don't have to be flattering. Sometimes the "tone" seems judgmental from some people, but honestly, I've benefited from both harsh and supportive posts in my own situation. My Q was, does your H knew that u r still in contact with OM... what concerns me is ... this "I told him today I was done and we shouldn't contact each other again. I'm so tired of the emotional ride I have been on. I'm tired of his off/on attitude with me." if he is available for ur meetings..u still would have preferred to be with OM than ur H and this "I'm so tired of here lately me begging him to meet me out, I am married also but I always find the time to be with him" this really seems like u really wanted your M to work. When someone has had an affair, it's difficult to just flip a switch and turn all the feelings off. I think it's a process. Stay Strony NIThis, I know where you are at. Torn. There is a lot more you have to go through, it will be a lot of work. If you still have something with your H, work on it, if you still have feelings for the OM, but you know it is over, keep it to yourself, work it out here, there, with friends or IC. At the same time, work on the M. It will all come together, for better or for worse. That is where I am, at a cross roads. By all means, do not listen to posts by people trying to work out their own "crap", this is about you. As you evolve, many more questions will come up. Keep on posting, shed the layers of whatever made you get to this point and then move on. A strong hug to you, and your H. Being the romantic I am, hope all works out for you in the end, meaning your happiness. This is how I feel and where I am also. Good luck to you OP. I'm glad you had a nice weekend. It is a roller coaster ride for a while.
lkjh Posted December 14, 2009 Posted December 14, 2009 Samantha, People who cheat don't love their SO, only in made for lifetime movies can a woman cheat on her H and actually love him. In real life that is not that case. Love is about putting someone else's needs and concerns ahead of your own "desires", notice I said desires not needs. If cheating is your definition of love than who would want it OP, you need to be completely honest with your H if you ever want to kill this affair and move forward with your marriage. Your H knows about the affair but does he know that you are still in contact with the OM? Does he know the complete truth about the affair?
sugarmomma Posted December 14, 2009 Posted December 14, 2009 OP you definitely want to get to the root of why you did this in the first place. You should find this out so that you won't be so susceptible to another affair in the future. You must have been extremely vulnerable to get into a position like this in the first place. People with a high level of self worth would never settle for just an affair or feel it necessary to cheat. I think your husband does deserve the truth. In affairs its hard to make a decsion once you're in it. The way to do so is make the decision based on reality and not on the way you feel. You really can't trust your feelings in a situation like this since it's mostly fantasy based. As a FOW, the reality was that he went home to her everynight and if he died she would have all say in what happened to him. I would be nobody but his fantasy. I want to be someone's reality today. I wish you the best.
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