McGrupp Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 im sitting here at work so ****ing bored and just pinning, hurting , longing. my buddy ****ing hurts. i want to talk to her so bad. i want to see her. godammit... sitting here alone is not helping.
Kic Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 If you really want the answer, fill this out (at least in your head, do not have to reply with it): Hours spent attempting to meet new females in the last seven days___ Hours spent exercising the last seven days___ Hours spent on your favorite hobby the last seven days___ Hours spent with friends or family the last seven days___ Hours spent in counseling (even though you weren't married, it still helps if you have insurance or it makes sense) the last thirty days___ Hours spent on LS.org the last seven days___
NopeNah Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 good point. yea,man. You're focusing WAY too much time on a worthless cause. I did the same for the first month or so, minus a couple one night stands. It's only when I accepted the fact that it was over for good did I start to heal. Of course there were moments when I'd miss her but, those got fewer and further apart with my time being occupied elsewhere. Focus more on your future and less on the past.
LovelyDaze Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 Hey McGrupp, Let's try a different thing here. I don't know what you do on the job but is there a way where you can ask your boss and/or supervisor for something extra to do? If not, surf the net for funny websites to make you laugh like Youtube or Failblog. Try to pass the time in a different way. I know it is hard but that is why you need to do it. Too easy to dwell on your ex...we all know and understand that on our ends as well.
mickleb Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 Why the f*ck aren't you researching Florida and getting your CV together so you can send it off to companies there? Goodness Grupp, there's work to be done! x
Author McGrupp Posted December 10, 2009 Author Posted December 10, 2009 i feel like i can make it right if i just explain to her how i realized i made mistakes. how i didnt respect her, or trust her. how i wish i could go back. i havent told her these things. i know i cant go up there. i know i cant call her. it totally sucks.
Author McGrupp Posted December 10, 2009 Author Posted December 10, 2009 i just wish i could go back to certain days and say "hey stop acting like a bitch, or im going to leave" then whatever wouldve happened i would have the power. instead of her holding it and me pleading. no point in breaking NC now however. just wish i could go back and handle the situation like a man and keep my relationship, dignity, and respect. maybe though this will be a catalyst for me to do something that makes me happy in my life. im not even counting NC days anymore. i guess if i think about it ....15 maybe? not bad
teanoranges Posted December 11, 2009 Posted December 11, 2009 Don't focus on what you did in the past. Look at the past as a kind of learning experience. It sucks, I know, to learn what you know now, and figure out how that knowledge could have saved something perfect if you knew of it before.. but life is funny that way. Embrace it? The only thing we can do is live it. Feel it all and grow from it.
Author McGrupp Posted December 11, 2009 Author Posted December 11, 2009 figure out how that knowledge could have saved something perfect if you knew of it before.. yeah...ugh
Nikki Sahagin Posted December 11, 2009 Posted December 11, 2009 Looking back is easy to do but pointless. Its easy to look back because the past seems clear and seems to make sense. The future is chaotic and unsure. So its hard to look forward...because there's nothing there...it hasn't happened yet. So, don't look back and don't look forward. Just live, breath, act, think, in THIS moment. A therapist once told me to ping an elastic band around my wrist everytime I thought of him and then make a note or tally chart of each time I pinged it. Say you rack up 100 pings in an hour; then you realise....you are hurting yourself. You are allowing their memory to cause you pain and consume you. I think some of us are a certain type that are predisposed to this. We almost enjoy the melancholy, thinking of them, punishing ourselves. Yes we hate it but part of us is fixed on it. Part of us feels we need to be punished so we have to go over it again and again. It will make no difference to do so. Forgive yourself for what you did wrong. You can't force that, but one day you will just feel....'its okay that I behaved that way...becaue in the moment it was honest'. Its almost like an alcoholic forever punishing themselves for being drunk. But in that moment they were unwell. Or an anorexic punishing herself later on for throwing up. But in that moment she was sick. I know these seem giant leaps that aren't applicable but what I mean is that often people are disfunctional in relationships. There is no point punishing yourself for these 'mistakes' because in that moment that was you. If you could go back in time, you'd do it again. Because you wouldn't know what you do now. Just try to let it go. Don't hold onto it and grip it and let it become part of you.
Author McGrupp Posted December 11, 2009 Author Posted December 11, 2009 its hard. i try at night to forgive myself. i redo the conversations in the shower, at work, think about what i shouldve said, and i know its pointless. its so weird though. i beat the **** out of myself. im like a pulpy form of my former self. i sit in bed and say "forgive yourself" but i cant. because im afraid, there will not be another.
Nikki Sahagin Posted December 11, 2009 Posted December 11, 2009 its hard. i try at night to forgive myself. i redo the conversations in the shower, at work, think about what i shouldve said, and i know its pointless. its so weird though. i beat the **** out of myself. im like a pulpy form of my former self. i sit in bed and say "forgive yourself" but i cant. because im afraid, there will not be another. So you are punishing yourself and you can't forgive yourself. But what did you do that was so wrong, in your mind? You strike me as a perfectionist. You remind me a lot of me! The feeling of guilt and remorse is normal and it stems of course from feeling that you contributed to the downfall of a relationship but we've all done that. I don't think you can force yourself to forgive yourself; that will just be a fake forgiveness. But you need to learn to be kind to yourself. None of us are perfect and we all can behave kindly or cruelly and we all can do things that are not true of our character, ALL of which stem from fear. We are scared so we act aggressively so we wont be hurt. We are scared so we push others away so we wont be hurt. I think all you need is a LOT of time to let life just do its thing. You will feel this way. We all do. I still do now and again. And I beat myself up about it. But then I learn the things I did and said that might have saved us....well I said them and did them...and I said and did them for the right reasons at that time. If you can love yourself you can forgive yourself. Its a hard thing to get across. I'm worried i'm coming across as cheesy and weird lol! But if you can just integrate your mistakes as part of you, you will become stronger. For me after my break-up the first time around I felt so guilty and I was going in circles. I wanted to die. I spoke to a therapist and she helped me identify characteristics or 'sub-personalities' i.e. the perfectionist, the jealous one, the worrier, the mother, the child etc. You focus on each one perform this exercise. I.e. 'The Punisher' 1. What does the Punisher look like? Is it an animal? Is it me/you? Is it another person? A colour? 2. What does it want? To punish me? To be forgiven? To destroy me? To make me stronger? 3. Why does it want this? Because I was bad? Because I deserve it? Because I feel justice was not done? Because I enjoy feeling this way? Basically you get to the core of this part of yourself. And then when it comes back - you picture it - and recognise it as just a thing. So the next time you beat yourself up, you can say 'oh that's the punisher, he just wants to hurt me because its a habit from when he was a child - he feels i'm not good enough because my parents always made me feel that way'. This really helped me. I hope it can help you a little!
Nikki Sahagin Posted December 11, 2009 Posted December 11, 2009 Give it a try! It may feel silly or even childish at first but it is definately very helpful.
Boundary Problem Posted December 11, 2009 Posted December 11, 2009 Actually that makes a lot of sense. My son has a sub-personality called "bossy dragon". And when he is being bossy, I just say "put the dragon back in the cage inside of you" and he looks at me, and his whole demeanor changes. Sometimes we just to be reminded of these sub-personalities and "put them back in their cage". You never get rid of them, but sleep and eating well makes it easier to keep them in their cage.
Nikki Sahagin Posted December 11, 2009 Posted December 11, 2009 I'm glad you agree boundary problem I'd also like to say for certain characteristics its not about caging or repressing them but finding a positive outlet. This is different for each characteristic. Anger you can go to the gym and work out rather than lash out violently. For something like envy or worry it is more difficult, because you want to end the emotion entirely rather than give it the stage. But if you let it out, feel it, analyse it, explore it, then you can let it come out when it needs to but stop it from controlling you. Essentially we are all masters of ourselves and we control our thoughts/emotions and 'personalities' - no one facet of ourselves should control us! Bossy dragon sounds cute!
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