NC or not to NC...sorry about the really long read, but as much detail as possible

[p_spot]

First, the Background:

 

About 2 1/2 months ago my g/f moved to another city (approximately 6h away) to take a contract job. About 1 month ago she found out that there would most likely be an extension to the job of another year from the initial 8 months. When I asked her what she wanted me to do, or what would happen to "us" she told me over the phone that the relationship was over, that she wanted to "start fresh", that she wanted to focus on her long-term career, that she didn't want a LDR. This is despite the fact that I was willing to move to be closer to her, and that there seemed (even up to the day before) to be no problems with the relationship. I drove there the next day for either an explanation or to convince her to change her mind, to no avail. I left the next day after I was told "you're not 'the one'" and "I want to date an artist". And this was after an evening and morning spent holding on to one another and her telling me she was glad I came. The "good-bye"s were horrible, for both of us.

 

I was devastated, but what could I do? I couldn't force her to feel differently, and was aware that walls went up when I tried to get inside of her head. When I got home the next day, and for the rest of the weekend, I called her trying to convince her to change her mind...that our relationship was a good one, that we were really good together. Again and again I ran into the walls that were erected faster than I could bring them down. I spent hours building up her confidence, only to be told that "you only think you're getting somewhere because I'm letting you talk". Defeated, I decided I needed to stop calling her as it was only frustrating her and not helping me towards my goal of winning her back. So I did.

 

A few days later she called me. She "missed me" and "needed to hear my voice". I was happy that at the opportunity to talk to her again and plead my case, but the walls went up and I the conversation broke down. For the next week or so she called me a couple of times, with me begging for an explanation or a reconsideration...trying to convince her that we could make it work and that I was willing to uproot everything to be there for her, as I knew I would need to do before the relationship even started "officially".

 

About 2 weeks ago I went out for drinks with a mutual friend. This friend told me that a few months earlier she had got drunk with my g/f and my g/f confessed that she was "terrified" that I'D leave HER. The mutual friend then told me that she was worried about her own relationship because she relied on him so much financially that she was panicked whenever she thought that he'd move on because she wouldn't be able to provide for herself. I had a bit of an epiphany at this, as it made me realize that perhaps this is what my g/f was trying to do: to prove to herself and her parents that she could stand on her own without a boyfriend or the husband she left just before our own relationship started.

 

I called her the next day and explained what I'd realized. Telling her that I was proud of her for taking this scary step and doing what she thought she needed to be her own person. Well...down came the walls. Since then, we've talked a few times. I've told her again that I'm proud of her, and she's gone into a little more detail about her own thought processes regarding her career and the influence of her parents and friends. She started to agree with me and reminisce with me about the great things about our relationship rather than just letting me talk until I couldn't. We talked briefly about how it's better that she do this now, if she thinks it's what she needs to do, rather than resenting our relationship because of the "road not travelled". I've learned that she wants to call me continuously, that she talks about me "all the time" to her new friends and colleagues, that she's still so sad sometimes that she'll not go out, and that she misses me terribly and wants to see me. I find out that she's making lots of friends, that she's been spending a lot of time with a particular colleague (who she told me was gay at first, but now perhaps "bi", and that "it's not like that" when questioned about their relationship; keep in mind it's only been a month since our b/u, and she couldn't have known this guy for more than a month and a half so I'm most likely panicking for no reason) who's been introducing her to more people with whom she works and keeping her involved in her hobbies.

 

Despite the breakup, and the distance, and the tough times, she tells me that she wants to see me in January - according to her this is almost a sure thing. Sure enough that she's told others that she'll be in town in January.

 

Now, Most Recently:

 

I got a drunk-dial last week with the tears and "I miss you"s, and she was upset at me (accused me of "getting laid") when I didn't call her the next night after my company Christmas Party. We've talked a few times at her initiation over the past few days, culminating in two drunk-dials within the past three days. I answered the first to listen to the same "I miss you"s and "I want to cuddle with you"s, but the second I didn't answer. The reason for this is that I had a horrible regression last night (crying on the floor, unable to eat) and didn't want to just be a drunk-dial shoulder for her...I know I'm worth more than that (I just wish I could believe it).

 

She'll be going to her parents' for holiday vacation next weekend, and I'll be leaving the next week for Mexico, so there will be a forced NC (to a certain degree...both of us are generally reachable...especially me) until the end of December at a minimum. I'm making New Years plans with other people (and have a horrible suspicion she's doing the same with this New Guy...hey, jealousy), but since our conversations seem to be going well, I want to ask her to make plans since I know she doesn't want to stay in the place she's in.

 

Epilogue:

 

So where do I go from here? I ignored last night's call, but expect more to come. I don't want to pull completely away because to be honest, I would have put a ring on this girl's finger in a heartbeat. I didn't because she is still gunshy from the breakup of her last marriage. Do I go full-on NC until January, and wait for her to tell me again that she wants to visit? Do I keep in contact until her visit, only to possibly suffer through it all again if it doesn't work out, even though it'll be the best time to find out what her intentions are now that she knows I'm not losing my head any more and understand (as best I can without reading her mind) where she is and what she's trying to do for herself.

 

Or am I just lying to myself about everything? Is she just scared to let me go completely? Have I become a security blanket for her? Is NC the best tactic until January, or should I wait until after she visits to take that step?

 

Update:

 

So it turns out the 1-year contract extension she was expecting has been pulled off the table. And she's not outright rejecting the possibility of moving back to the city we lived in together, which I would expect if she's adamant about "doing it on her own".

[Kic]

This is why LDRs are tough. It's hard for me and you to tell if you were relegated to more of a friend (emotional tampon) or are still in the game. You seem to be a bit of a nice guy.

 

How long were you two together prior to the separation?

 

You both will likely have some pent up sexual needs and will explode on each other - try to set a time and place for that to potentially happen on the day that you meet in person.

 

However, if she turns out to still be lukewarm and not willing to commit to you after she's back in the same city, then lay out your expectations, be sure that you've addressed hers, and then go NC.

Edited December 11, 2009 by Kic

[p_spot]

We were together for a little over 2 years. When the relationship first started, she went overseas for 3 months. After 6 months in the same city (but not living together), she took a position in another city an hour away. I was always aware that this would be the case, as it's the career path she wanted, so I was never concerned. After 4 months with her living an hour away, we lived together for 9 months.

 

And the relationship weathered both of these seperations, with the two of us "pining" for one another while apart. What is different this time is that now her actual "career" is beginning, so she feels she has to focus on that instead of pining (keep in mind, however, that I was willing to move...).

Edited December 11, 2009 by p_spot

[DustySaltus]

P_Spot, these three things stuck out for me:

 

"I want to date an artist".

 

Ok, so you spoke with her about the "abandonment" issue but why did she bring this up? Now she's hanging out with this other "bi" or whatever dude. Something just doesn't add up. It seems like she's using you as an emotional tampon right now while she figures out what she really wants. After all, you are readily available when she needs you. STOP THIS!! Disappear for while. If you want to get her back, it's the only way. LET HER MISS YOU and realize what she wants, while you realize what you want. I know you want to put a ring on this girl's finger, but remember marriage does not cure problems. If anything, the stakes are raised. Take a step back for a second, for your own good..trust me.

 

I know I'm worth more than that (I just wish I could believe it).

 

You can believe it anytime you want. That's why NC is such a powerful tool. It allows you to build YOURSELF back up. That's what you need right now.

 

So it turns out the 1-year contract extension she was expecting has been pulled off the table. And she's not outright rejecting the possibility of moving back to the city we lived in together, which I would expect if she's adamant about "doing it on her own".

 

Translation: "Because things didn't work out for her the way she wanted them to, I'm ok with being the fallback guy". That's what it sounds like. Remember you said it yourself, "I am worth more than that".

 

You are talking to a guy who moved 7000 miles away to be with the one they loved. Things didn't work out for various reasons but it wasn't from a lack of trying. When there's a will, there's a way. She might be moving back by default, you're trying to be with her because you WANT to...that doesn't seem like an equal playing field at the moment.

 

As I said, take a step back. Go have fun in Mexico and when you get back, focus on yourself. If she comes beating down your door, you'll have a decision to make. Otherwise, it just wasn't meant to be.

 

I wish you the best.

 

D

[mimiminx]

Hi there,

well.. I'm kind of confused as to why she felt she wanted to break up. But in short, I have to say go NC until she comes back in town. Rather than just ignoring all her attempts to contact you, I would suggest letting her know first that you feel that talking and staying in contact is too difficult since she broke up with you. My suggestion is to tell her that maybe you will see eachother when she comes back in town, but until then, you need to move on. I know you want to get back together,but if you continue the contact, it's going to keep her on the fence. Let her go for now. I have a feeling she's having second thoughts about her decision. She may have felt that because she was moving so far away a relationship couldn't work out. However, the statement she made about "I want to date an artist" sounds iffy to me. Grass is greener syndrome? Don't wait around for her, cease contact. Easier said than done, I know. Keep your chin up...

[p_spot]

more information, which may or may not help someone provide advice:

 

i found out from our mutual friend that she had asked my ex how things were, and part of the reply was "i think he really understands now". i take this to mean that i was right as to her need to stand on her own and prove that she can take care of herself.

 

further, i think i found out who this "other guy" is. if i'm right, then despite how superficial this might sound, i don't thing i would consider him a "threat". i know, i know...i'm probably grasping...

 

i'm "sort of" expecting another drunk dial/text tonight, and i think i'm kind of worried that i won't get it. i think that NC would probably be the best until january...at least for my own presence of mind. although perhaps not to the extent that caliguy recommends...LC at least.

 

any other input?

 

oh...and as far as the "i want to date an artist" thing goes, it was one of many things she said when i went to visit her. things that i've taken now as an effort to push me away...especially since, although i can't be considered an "artist", i am responsible for designing one of her most prolific works, among other things.

Edited December 12, 2009 by p_spot

[p_spot]

and thank you, mimi, for your advice...i was hoping to hear from you! if almost finished reading your HUGE thread, and although you may disagree, there seems to be an inordinate number of similarities to our circumstances.

 

i can tell that things only worked for you when you initiated NC, and i intend to follow your example!

[lilbelle]

UM....

 

You said it right there... OTHER GUY!!!!

 

Move on, no contact. Maybe then you will realize how bad you are being played by this girl. You are nothing but a B plan. When your on an A plan no man will come between you and your girl, doesn't matter if she is on the freaking space shuttle for a year with Brad Pitt. She won't stray.

 

Your really doing yourself a favor with all this catering to her needs... bs.

[p_spot]

thanks lilbelle, but nobody has "come between" me and my ex. i am of the opinion that the "other guy" is merely a colleague with whom she can do stuff instead of moping about herself.

 

i received another call from her yesterday morning, and she reiterated her feelings for me, as well as confirmed that she was still planning on visiting in january (i know, i know...i shouldn't have answered it), agreeing that "we had a lot to talk about".

 

so i guess at this point it's a waiting game for me. she's leaving to her parents tomorrow, and that will most likely be it until january.

 

wish me luck!