p_spot Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 First, the Background: About 2 1/2 months ago my g/f moved to another city (approximately 6h away) to take a contract job. About 1 month ago she found out that there would most likely be an extension to the job of another year from the initial 8 months. When I asked her what she wanted me to do, or what would happen to "us" she told me over the phone that the relationship was over, that she wanted to "start fresh", that she wanted to focus on her long-term career, that she didn't want a LDR. This is despite the fact that I was willing to move to be closer to her, and that there seemed (even up to the day before) to be no problems with the relationship. I drove there the next day for either an explanation or to convince her to change her mind, to no avail. I left the next day after I was told "you're not 'the one'" and "I want to date an artist". And this was after an evening and morning spent holding on to one another and her telling me she was glad I came. The "good-bye"s were horrible, for both of us. I was devastated, but what could I do? I couldn't force her to feel differently, and was aware that walls went up when I tried to get inside of her head. When I got home the next day, and for the rest of the weekend, I called her trying to convince her to change her mind...that our relationship was a good one, that we were really good together. Again and again I ran into the walls that were erected faster than I could bring them down. I spent hours building up her confidence, only to be told that "you only think you're getting somewhere because I'm letting you talk". Defeated, I decided I needed to stop calling her as it was only frustrating her and not helping me towards my goal of winning her back. So I did. A few days later she called me. She "missed me" and "needed to hear my voice". I was happy that at the opportunity to talk to her again and plead my case, but the walls went up and I the conversation broke down. For the next week or so she called me a couple of times, with me begging for an explanation or a reconsideration...trying to convince her that we could make it work and that I was willing to uproot everything to be there for her, as I knew I would need to do before the relationship even started "officially". About 2 weeks ago I went out for drinks with a mutual friend. This friend told me that a few months earlier she had got drunk with my g/f and my g/f confessed that she was "terrified" that I'D leave HER. The mutual friend then told me that she was worried about her own relationship because she relied on him so much financially that she was panicked whenever she thought that he'd move on because she wouldn't be able to provide for herself. I had a bit of an epiphany at this, as it made me realize that perhaps this is what my g/f was trying to do: to prove to herself and her parents that she could stand on her own without a boyfriend or the husband she left just before our own relationship started. I called her the next day and explained what I'd realized. Telling her that I was proud of her for taking this scary step and doing what she thought she needed to be her own person. Well...down came the walls. Since then, we've talked a few times. I've told her again that I'm proud of her, and she's gone into a little more detail about her own thought processes regarding her career and the influence of her parents and friends. She started to agree with me and reminisce with me about the great things about our relationship rather than just letting me talk until I couldn't. We talked briefly about how it's better that she do this now, if she thinks it's what she needs to do, rather than resenting our relationship because of the "road not travelled". I've learned that she wants to call me continuously, that she talks about me "all the time" to her new friends and colleagues, that she's still so sad sometimes that she'll not go out, and that she misses me terribly and wants to see me. I find out that she's making lots of friends, that she's been spending a lot of time with a particular colleague (who she told me was gay at first, but now perhaps "bi", and that "it's not like that" when questioned about their relationship; keep in mind it's only been a month since our b/u, and she couldn't have known this guy for more than a month and a half so I'm most likely panicking for no reason) who's been introducing her to more people with whom she works and keeping her involved in her hobbies. Despite the breakup, and the distance, and the tough times, she tells me that she wants to see me in January - according to her this is almost a sure thing. Sure enough that she's told others that she'll be in town in January. Now, Most Recently: I got a drunk-dial last week with the tears and "I miss you"s, and she was upset at me (accused me of "getting laid") when I didn't call her the next night after my company Christmas Party. We've talked a few times at her initiation over the past few days, culminating in two drunk-dials within the past three days. I answered the first to listen to the same "I miss you"s and "I want to cuddle with you"s, but the second I didn't answer. The reason for this is that I had a horrible regression last night (crying on the floor, unable to eat) and didn't want to just be a drunk-dial shoulder for her...I know I'm worth more than that (I just wish I could believe it). She'll be going to her parents' for holiday vacation next weekend, and I'll be leaving the next week for Mexico, so there will be a forced NC (to a certain degree...both of us are generally reachable...especially me) until the end of December at a minimum. I'm making New Years plans with other people (and have a horrible suspicion she's doing the same with this New Guy...hey, jealousy), but since our conversations seem to be going well, I want to ask her to make plans since I know she doesn't want to stay in the place she's in. Epilogue: So where do I go from here? I ignored last night's call, but expect more to come. I don't want to pull completely away because to be honest, I would have put a ring on this girl's finger in a heartbeat. I didn't because she is still gunshy from the breakup of her last marriage. Do I go full-on NC until January, and wait for her to tell me again that she wants to visit? Do I keep in contact until her visit, only to possibly suffer through it all again if it doesn't work out, even though it'll be the best time to find out what her intentions are now that she knows I'm not losing my head any more and understand (as best I can without reading her mind) where she is and what she's trying to do for herself. Or am I just lying to myself about everything? Is she just scared to let me go completely? Have I become a security blanket for her? Is NC the best tactic until January, or should I wait until after she visits to take that step? Update: So it turns out the 1-year contract extension she was expecting has been pulled off the table. And she's not outright rejecting the possibility of moving back to the city we lived in together, which I would expect if she's adamant about "doing it on her own".
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