Whats the difference between "playing hard to get" vs "I'm using you for attention"

[bbasher75]

Meaning don't fall for her games.. don't come running when she shows you some attention.

 

Hold your ground by showing her you don't need her in your life if she is gonna act like a spoiled brat. You got better things and women to do with your time then deal with her.

Don't "fight for her" in the sense you are thinking.. What does she have or what has she done that merits your efforts to "fight for her"?

What value is she to you? At the moment you don't appear to have any value to her...

 

Gotcha. So cut off all contact.

 

Assuming for a second she may actually really like me, but is playing a game, you're saying she would then come back to me at some point. If she happens to do that, what should I do? For example if she texts me "Hey meet me for a drink after work" what should I say to that? I would like to be with her, but also dont wanna look like a wuss by running at the 1st sign of interest from her.

 

Should I say I'm busy? And wait for her to ask a 2nd time?

[lovestodance]

Look I dont mean to disagree, but in general if a man is not interested in a woman, he wont lead her on to believe he is. As for "changing her mind" its amazing how if a man likes a woman, he rarely if EVER "changes his mind" about liking her. Yet women pull this excuse out like they are talking about a candy bar. "Oh I just changed my mind, I dont like him now. I'll just tell him to go F himself after leading him on"...sorry, thats very insensitive. You should be SURE about someone before leading them on.

 

Since you presumably are a heterosexual man, I assume you don't have very much experience dating men, so you don't know how often men DO lead women on. Sometimes it's just a matter of dating a couple of women at once until they choose one they prefer, which it sounds like what this woman is doing to you, albeit in a rather immature way.

 

As for changing their minds, people are not quite as flippant as you making it out to be. It is quite possible that some women meet you, think you are attractive, and then decide they don't like you when they get to know you or realize you are not compatible with them. Would you prefer they continue to date you knowing full well that there would be problems down the line?

 

Look, not everyone is going to like you. Obsessing over this is not going to solve anything, in fact, it is going to make you less attractive. From looking through your posts it seems like women are frequently buying you drinks and flirting with you so it sounds like you don't have a lot of trouble meeting people, you just need to learn to not take it so personally when there isn't a connection.

[Yukikazi]

Gotcha. So cut off all contact.

 

Assuming for a second she may actually really like me, but is playing a game, you're saying she would then come back to me at some point. If she happens to do that, what should I do? For example if she texts me "Hey meet me for a drink after work" what should I say to that? I would like to be with her, but also dont wanna look like a wuss by running at the 1st sign of interest from her.

 

Should I say I'm busy? And wait for her to ask a 2nd time?

Read agentsmiths thread first... Similar situation.. look for your paralles and then come back if you need further clarification as to what you may be in for.

 

I doubt she will start talking to you with "Meet me for a drink" so don't worry about it. If she does.. don't respond immediately.. actually.. NEVER respond immediately unless you are dating.. always give yourself some time to mull over a response so you don't make a quick comment back and regret it later.

[bbasher75]

Since you presumably are a heterosexual man, I assume you don't have very much experience dating men, so you don't know how often men DO lead women on. Sometimes it's just a matter of dating a couple of women at once until they choose one they prefer, which it sounds like what this woman is doing to you, albeit in a rather immature way.

 

As for changing their minds, people are not quite as flippant as you making it out to be. It is quite possible that some women meet you, think you are attractive, and then decide they don't like you when they get to know you or realize you are not compatible with them. Would you prefer they continue to date you knowing full well that there would be problems down the line?

 

Look, not everyone is going to like you. Obsessing over this is not going to solve anything, in fact, it is going to make you less attractive. From looking through your posts it seems like women are frequently buying you drinks and flirting with you so it sounds like you don't have a lot of trouble meeting people, you just need to learn to not take it so personally when there isn't a connection.

 

I get what you're saying and you have a point. I just never dated 2 women at once, the thought never crossed my mind. Isnt that considered cheating? I find that to be retarded.

 

Look here's what I'm saying: She wouldn't even go out with me ONCE alone after all this stringing me along. I dont think its unfair to say thats wrong, especially after showing so much initial interest.

 

I get that sometimes people dont connect but she didnt go out with me ONE TIME by herself and when I met her with her friends, she said "please give me a chance". You tell me, does that sound like someone who "didnt connect" with you? No, thats stringing you along wouldnt you say?

[lovestodance]

That is definitely someone who didn't connect with you. If you asked her out and she said no, she isn't interested. Anything else she is doing she is either doing out of some misplaced attempt to be polite or because she has brain problems. Forget about her and move on.

[Yukikazi]

 

I get that sometimes people dont connect but she didnt go out with me ONE TIME by herself and when I met her with her friends, she said "please give me a chance". You tell me, does that sound like someone who "didnt connect" with you? No, thats stringing you along wouldnt you say?

 

LOL dude if she literally said "please give me a chance" then if and when she come running back.. (hopefully by that time you will have found someone better) you can politely tell her she had her chance..

 

Hard to say if she is stringing you along yet.. Does she try to contact you anymore? make any effort to keep communications open?

[Agoraphobianebula]

Look I dont mean to disagree, but in general if a man is not interested in a woman, he wont lead her on to believe he is. As for "changing her mind" its amazing how if a man likes a woman, he rarely if EVER "changes his mind" about liking her. Yet women pull this excuse out like they are talking about a candy bar. "Oh I just changed my mind, I dont like him now. I'll just tell him to go F himself after leading him on"...sorry, thats very insensitive. You should be SURE about someone before leading them on.

 

This is where you are wrong. Men do this sh*t just as much as women. A man will string you along until he gets laid and drop you right after. Afterall p8ssy is just p8ssy right? many men don't often care who it's attached to.

 

What everyone is trying to tell you is that this is not a "all women do this" or "all men do that" thing. You met a girl who seemed interested and then she stopped being interested. Big deal, welcome to dating.

 

You don't need to waste your time trying to decipher her motives, just go with facts and that is she is NO LONGER interested in you. Who cares what her reasons are. Move on.

[bbasher75]

LOL dude if she literally said "please give me a chance" then if and when she come running back.. (hopefully by that time you will have found someone better) you can politely tell her she had her chance..

 

Hard to say if she is stringing you along yet.. Does she try to contact you anymore? make any effort to keep communications open?

 

Yeh she said to "please give her a chance" the night I went out with her and her friends. Then she pulled the rug from under me when I went to set up a date.

 

After she told me the "lets be friends" B.S. she went out of her to "bump into me" at the coffee shop a couple of weeks, to say hi. How are you? things like that. As far as phoning or texting...no, she hasn't done that once since laying the friends line on me.

 

I'm not sure if, in the following 2 weeks, I should have made a move. But I was thinking she'd make one first, since she rejected me. I felt it was up to her to make the next move. But she never did, and I dont count saying "how are you" as her making a move. I mean I expected her to invite me out again one night or something. But she never did.

 

About 2 weeks after the friends B.S. though she did see me at a bar, came up to me drunk, and said "I'm really drunk...but I just want to tell you...ah...you...ah...are just too...you know, umm, why...ah..." then her friend pulled her away.

 

I dont know what any of this sh*t means lol. I give up.

[Yukikazi]

Hmm move on dude.. I'm not seeing a successful outcome here... least not yet.

 

But don't make any effort to contact her.. if she wants to change the status quo.. she knows where you are.

If she doesn't then you have already moved on and are now looking for your next gf.

 

Remember you are ready for a relationship.. whether she is or is not is irrelevant so long as she is acting like this.. Just look at other women and see how she responds. I doubt much will change until she hears/catches wind of you showing interest in other girls... then the truth will come out.

[bbasher75]

This is where you are wrong. Men do this sh*t just as much as women. A man will string you along until he gets laid and drop you right after. Afterall p8ssy is just p8ssy right? many men don't often care who it's attached to.

 

What everyone is trying to tell you is that this is not a "all women do this" or "all men do that" thing. You met a girl who seemed interested and then she stopped being interested. Big deal, welcome to dating.

 

You don't need to waste your time trying to decipher her motives, just go with facts and that is she is NO LONGER interested in you. Who cares what her reasons are. Move on.

 

OK I see your point on the sex issue, but at least the man is getting something out of it and the woman can say "well OK, I can see why he did what he did, he just wanted sex". What I'm saying is what does the WOMAN get out stringing a guy along? NOTHING! Unless hurting men is the female version of sex? Is that how women "get off"? By hurting guys? Where as guys get off by having sex?

 

Listen I dont care if a woman isnt interested in me. What bothers me is when they pretend they are just to hurt me. Its hard to just "move on" from that, know what I mean? Mabye you are less sensitive and it wouldnt bother you so much. It hurts me. Makes me feel like a piece of sh*t, so its hard to just "go to the next one" thinking its just gonna happen all over again.

 

Sorry but I just dont buy "she lost interest", she'd have to be literally insane. Because she was gung-ho for me, then didnt even wanna go out once. Thats not losing interest, thats insanity, or intentional hurting. I expect more from "adult" women.

[bbasher75]

Hmm move on dude.. I'm not seeing a successful outcome here... least not yet.

 

But don't make any effort to contact her.. if she wants to change the status quo.. she knows where you are.

If she doesn't then you have already moved on and are now looking for your next gf.

 

Remember you are ready for a relationship.. whether she is or is not is irrelevant so long as she is acting like this.. Just look at other women and see how she responds. I doubt much will change until she hears/catches wind of you showing interest in other girls... then the truth will come out.

 

Great advise! Thank you so much Yukikazi, I feel better. I'm focusing on her, when I need to be focusing on myself and MY needs.

 

1 more question: How do I "hint" to her that I'm seeing other girls if/when I meet a new woman? I wont even want her at that point, hopefully, but just to bust her chops a bit?

[frustr8ed]

Do yourself a favor, go to a place where there is a lot of people (like a mall.) Look and observe, you will find a huge variety of women walking around. Now multiply that by everywhere.

 

My point, there is a lot of women out there, why settle for one that isn't meeting YOUR needs. Her behavior is based on her beliefs not yours. That is why you have a hard time understanding her actions. You need to find someone that is compatable with you and your beliefs, she isn't.

[Yukikazi]

Great advise! Thank you so much Yukikazi, I feel better. I'm focusing on her, when I need to be focusing on myself and MY needs.

 

1 more question: How do I "hint" to her that I'm seeing other girls if/when I meet a new woman? I wont even want her at that point, hopefully, but just to bust her chops a bit?

 

You don't hint.. you are not trying to reel her in. You are moving on.. she will hear it when she hears it or see's you out with another woman. If you do end up talking to her.. drop it in the convo if the possibility arises but don't make a big deal about it. Remember she gets no more of your precious time or effort. If she wants you then its back to her to show it.. you tried.. she declined.. NEXT!!

 

She essentially "thinks" she has you right now.. you need to move on and show her otherwise... she wont change unless she realizes she may loose you.

 

It can go either way.. but be prepared to not speak with her again other then hello as you pass each other.

[bbasher75]

You don't hint.. you are not trying to reel her in. You are moving on.. she will hear it when she hears it or see's you out with another woman. If you do end up talking to her.. drop it in the convo if the possibility arises but don't make a big deal about it. Remember she gets no more of your precious time or effort. If she wants you then its back to her to show it.. you tried.. she declined.. NEXT!!

 

She essentially "thinks" she has you right now.. you need to move on and show her otherwise... she wont change unless she realizes she may loose you.

 

It can go either way.. but be prepared to not speak with her again other then hello as you pass each other.

 

If she hears I'm with another girl, what sort of things would she then do to "win me back" if she wanted to do so? Just so I know what to look for from her?

 

And if/when she tries these things, what should my response be?

[Yukikazi]

If she hears I'm with another girl, what sort of things would she then do to "win me back" if she wanted to do so? Just so I know what to look for from her?

 

And if/when she tries these things, what should my response be?

 

She'll call you, text you.. try to get you to hang out with her.. maybe be more touchy feely. It wont be hard to spot.. if she's still playing subtle then continue ignoring her. She needs to step up and skip the hints.

 

As to what you should do.. if you are still interested.. touch her back..

but for the most part, act slightly indifferent but not unresponsive.. you are being friendly and polite.. not a dick with butthurt feelings.

[edward-e]

i dont think she was leading you on. i think women are like waves and emotionally the go up and down the roll to shore which is the eventuality that you arent what they want. sometimes theyll feel like u really could be someone they wanna be with and with the wrong 5 minutes of conversation or the wrong statement think you arent. women are a lot more emotional about things, and youre gunna need to accept that. if u wanna get em to stay with u, u gotta get em stuck at sea til they land on the island of love with u.

[bbasher75]

i dont think she was leading you on. i think women are like waves and emotionally the go up and down the roll to shore which is the eventuality that you arent what they want. sometimes theyll feel like u really could be someone they wanna be with and with the wrong 5 minutes of conversation or the wrong statement think you arent. women are a lot more emotional about things, and youre gunna need to accept that. if u wanna get em to stay with u, u gotta get em stuck at sea til they land on the island of love with u.

 

Hey if what you say is true, I'm going to be alone for a long, LONG time. Because I'm gonna f up conversations, at times, a lot longer than 5 minutes. It's depressing. I try not to beat myself up over it too much. But its hard.

[boogieboy]

She'll call you, text you.. try to get you to hang out with her.. maybe be more touchy feely. It wont be hard to spot.. if she's still playing subtle then continue ignoring her. She needs to step up and skip the hints.

 

As to what you should do.. if you are still interested.. touch her back..

but for the most part, act slightly indifferent but not unresponsive.. you are being friendly and polite.. not a dick with butthurt feelings.

 

Matter of fact, do what I do.

 

Assume if she contacts you that she is still trying to play games. If she walks up to you, say to yourself "Yeah right, shes looking to reel me in, shes not serious. Lets see how far she takes this". That way you will play along, but you already wrote this off as a game with no outcome. Keep thinking nothing is coming out of this. It will automatically make you indifferent. Cuz now you KNOW shes bullshyttin.

 

Do that with each step further she takes. Dont initiate any calls/texts, let her do all the work...she has to try to win YOU over!

 

To hazzard a guess on your previous questions....

 

I guarantee she got turned off by you not being enough of a challenge for her in the beginning, which could be why you wound up in this situation. If thats not the case, she is a headcase. People can get turned off quickly, they just usually dont tell you why. Its the way things are. Anything you said could have turned her completely off if she didnt like you that much. Once that happens, she wont ever like you again, women dont get the spark for you back like that once they deem you undate-able. So theres no use in trying. All that talk about "fighting for her", that only works in the movies, not real life. When SHE doesnt want it to work, it cant work. Im sure youve dumped someone before, you realize when its not going to work. As soon as a woman loses interest in you, you dont push, you pull far away.

 

Im guessin, but she could have gotten this game shes playin done on her by a guy, she got seriously hurt, and now shes using her sexuality to reel guys in and yoyo them for her amusement. She feels a lil better with revenge by proxy. But you know what? It wont work for long. Most guys wont fall for this, and she doesnt get any real satisfaction out of it. She probably cries in her pillow at night still thinking about the guy she couldnt keep.

 

So next time you see her...hopefully you wont....you can see her for how pathetic she really is.

 

Next time you start talking to a girl, let her earn her way to you. Women dont want to get you with NO effort whatsoever, they want to wonder and do some work. Dont you ever read anything on this board? Act like you dont think anything will happen. Make sure she expresses interest in you as a person before you get emotionally invested. Be suspicious if someone expresses major interest in you out the blue, and make sure she is really into you before jumping in. Women have to do this all the time.

[bbasher75]

Next time you start talking to a girl, let her earn her way to you. Women dont want to get you with NO effort whatsoever, they want to wonder and do some work. Dont you ever read anything on this board? Act like you dont think anything will happen. Make sure she expresses interest in you as a person before you get emotionally invested. Be suspicious if someone expresses major interest in you out the blue, and make sure she is really into you before jumping in. Women have to do this all the time.

 

Well when she blew me off the 1st time I asked her out, (she sort of stiffed me but it was no big deal, I went straight home after work instead of meeting her) I told her this might not work. She then blew me off again 2nd time and I ignored her texts. Thats when she came begging me to meet her.

 

I probably should have said "I'm busy cant meet you tonight" but I figured I'd give her a chance. Foolish. After we went out, she gave me the "friends" send-off.

 

It's just so counter-instinctive to blow someone off that you want to see. Ignoring her texts was hard enough. I guess when she asked me out I broke down too soon huh? Well, it doesnt matter now.

 

I dont think I did too bad in the "chase" dept. I made her do a little work, just not enough, I guess. I gave in too quickly.

 

How do I make a girl "earn her way" to me? What do you mean?

[boogieboy]

She has to qualify to be with you. SHe has to do some work. Let her chase sometimes, let her initiate. Let her ask about you.

 

You didnt break down when she asked you out, you thought she was sincere, but anything you said could have given her a clue that you'd be too easy to win over.

 

Just to see what goes on in the mind of someone who likes the attention so you understand, read this thread....

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t212968/

[bbasher75]

She has to qualify to be with you. SHe has to do some work. Let her chase sometimes, let her initiate. Let her ask about you.

 

You didnt break down when she asked you out, you thought she was sincere, but anything you said could have given her a clue that you'd be too easy to win over.

 

Just to see what goes on in the mind of someone who likes the attention so you understand, read this thread....

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t212968/

 

The 1st time she blew me off (we were supposed to meet after work and she bailed) she said "oh call me some other time, sorry cant make it something came up". I said "mabye this isnt going to work, sorry". She then apologized and I said we'll meet another day, which she gave another lame excuse not to go. Thats when I ignored her texts. She then asked me out (begged actually) to meet her and I did.

 

Did I do OK as far as you can tell, from what I wrote? What could I have done different?

[calizaggy]

How do I make a girl "earn her way" to me? What do you mean?

 

The 2 of you have no history together, so I doubt you will be able to play some mind games to get her. I think most guys have been in your situation.

 

Either make it clear to her that you are interested, like a man, or just forget it. If she is not interested, then atleast you know for sure and can move on.

 

Personally I think you probably are better off finding a less flighty girl.

[bbasher75]

The 2 of you have no history together, so I doubt you will be able to play some mind games to get her. I think most guys have been in your situation.

 

Either make it clear to her that you are interested, like a man, or just forget it. If she is not interested, then atleast you know for sure and can move on.

 

Personally I think you probably are better off finding a less flighty girl.

 

Do any "less flighty" girls exist? I wont lie, I like a pretty face too. But the prettier the girls are, the dumber/flightier they seem to be. Not sure why this is, but its the truth.

 

I'm not looking for Cindy Crawford, but I do have standards. Why cant a girl be pretty AND reliable/non-flaky?

[boogieboy]

Did I do OK as far as you can tell, from what I wrote? What could I have done different?

 

You did well by knowing when to bail, but you let her suck you back in. Remember how to bail for the next time.

 

Do any "less flighty" girls exist? I wont lie, I like a pretty face too. But the prettier the girls are, the dumber/flightier they seem to be. Not sure why this is, but its the truth.

 

I'm not looking for Cindy Crawford, but I do have standards. Why cant a girl be pretty AND reliable/non-flaky?

 

Non-flaky women who actually like you do exist, you just have to approach more women to run into them. Increasing your numbers increases your chances.

[bbasher75]

You did well by knowing when to bail, but you let her suck you back in. Remember how to bail for the next time.

 

So when would you have "cut the cord" on this girl? The 1st time she bailed when we were supposed to meet? Or would you have given her 1 more chance, like I did, after she apologized?

 

When she bailed the bailed the 2nd time (made an excuse to not show up) and I ignored her texts, she came to see me and begged to go out. This is where I should have told her "You're a nice girl but I don't think it'll work". Or something. Am I right?

 

See the problem with me is, I know how to act at the start, but I never know how to FINISH the job.

 

Lets say I was interested in sleeping with this girl. She was obviously attracted to me somewhat, at least physically. Of that, I'm sure. When she begged me to see her, if I told her "no" at that point...when would I "give in" to her? In other words, if I wanted to slep with her, how far do I push her before giving in, to get her in bed? Basically she'd have to ask a few times? Or would she have to basically invite you to her place? Understand what I'm asking?

 

I never know how to "finish" the game. At some point in the "game" I mess up, after starting out well. Can you help?