She wants to be friends, but thinks I am the perfect guy, is she stringing me on?

[thatguy90]

I will keep this short,

 

My ex girlfriend and I dated for over a year. We were close, we had planned our future together, how many kids we thought we would like to have and different things. But then different issues in my life occurred, which made me become a different guy, I was sad all the time, and I didn't laugh as much because I was worried about my family and I was dealing with a lot of stress, to keep it short I was not living life to the fullest. So I had become sad, and well that was not the only issue. She also accepted chocolates from her best friend, which was a guy and this guy has liked her for the longest time and I took it as a sign of affection towards her and I told her I was not happy about her accepting them and then I told the guy off. It honestly for me at the time felt like my life was falling apart, I was worried about losing one of my family members and losing her. It was a bad cycle. So we ended up breaking up because she wants to have fun with life, and that I was bringing her down. I know that if I could go back I would try to fix it, but what is done is done. Then well for a month we would talk randomly, because she wants to be friends. She had told me just after we broke up "If we do get back together, we will have to be friends first, and then start to date again, because I don't want to jump back into things" one of her ex's and her did that and ended up breaking up. Then around three weeks after the break up, we got together and talked, she told me that she had started to like another guy, but he did not like her back, I was pissed I got up and almost left, but ... she turned to me and said wait I have one last thing to say to you, you are the perfect guy for me back when you were happy and not dealing with everything. The only thing wrong with you is that you stress out way to much, which is true I do admit to that. That made me very confused but, not until now did I remember what she said about her wanting to start off as friends and move on up back to the relationship. Then a few weeks passed, I had told her I was sorry for what i had put her through, and well she turned and said that I have to drop it, and get over her, and stop putting myself through what went wrong. For me to get mad at her for what she has done, and in time forgive her for what she has done. Then I asked her about me being the perfect guy, and she said yes you are, but you have to stop focusing on what went wrong between us, let go, because if you don't you will never be fun again. That was the last time we really talked.

 

I believe her, about her saying I am the perfect guy. There are moments where I feel like I am over her, but then there are other moments where I miss her. I have gone with NC for about 13 days now. But I don't think its the right thing to do. Please someone if you have gone through something like this, can you give me advice?

[alphamale]

I believe her, about her saying I am the perfect guy.

don't be foolish

[JBaker]

You may be the perfect guy, but she seems far from the perfect girl. She was unable to give you support when you needed it with your family. Instead of giving you support, she left you. That is not the type of person I would want to have a relationship with.

[thatguy90]

Well at first she tired, this went on for about 1.5 months because different things were going on in my life and I just kept getting bad news every 4 days. But I know where you are getting at, she admits that her leaving me at my lowest was being very selfish of her. She tired in the beginning but gave up after a month.

[Kantor]

So if things go bad again is she going to leave you again?

[NopeNah]

NC is the best thing for you to do. Forget her and move on. I know thats easier said than done but, if you stay in contact with her it's impossible.

[Ronni_W]

... she turned to me and said wait I have one last thing to say to you, you are the perfect guy for me back when you were happy and not dealing with everything.

I actually would tend to believe her, about that. Why would she have needed to lie about it, at that point? My guess is that she was trying to tell you something.

 

Have you considered upgrading your current level of coping skills so that you can better manage life's challenges and crises when they come knocking on your door in the future? Because it sounds as if your lack of effective coping skills is what done you guys in, doesn't it?

 

How I'm hearing what she said, I think it was the (poor) way you dealt with your challenges and crises that turned her off. I'm kind of hearing her as having said, "If only you could do that part of things better, then you would the perfect guy for me."

 

[so.] Personally, I would start taking workshops for stress management, assertiveness training, positive/effective communications, relationship conflict resolution, etc., etc. I mean, it sounds as if you can stand to learn that stuff, in any case...for your own stress-reduced and happy living.

But also. If/when she realizes that you're doing something concrete about being able to deal with your own crap better in the future...well, who knows how that might sit in her mind and heart?

[thatguy90]

Actually Ronni, she did say "If only you could d that part of things better ... your the perfect guy for me". Ok I will look into that, but in the mean time, what should I do about her? how can I "keep" her interested in me? So i won't lose her.

 

Thank you for some really good advice, honestly you are the first person to say something like that.

[thatguy90]

But the big question, should I keep NC until I get through this stuff or should I keep talking to her every now and again?

[NopeNah]

But the big question, should I keep NC until I get through this stuff or should I keep talking to her every now and again?

Is she seeing someones else? I'd go NC personally.. How can she miss you when you won't go away?

[alphamale]

dude, she's playing you like a cheap fiddle

[Ronni_W]

But the big question, should I keep NC until I get through this stuff or should I keep talking to her every now and again?

thatguy,

Well first. It's not stuff to "get through". For your own Self, it works better if you can adopt more of a commitment to general, ever-evolving self-improvement.

 

Crap! I'm torn right down the middle of whether or not NC may be your best way to go.

I mean. It's your own sincerity that would be the key, isn't it? Are you REALLY interested in learning improved coping skills...for yourself...even if you do end up losing her?

 

...she said yes you are, but you have to stop focusing on what went wrong between us, let go, because if you don't you will never be fun again.

 

Are you WILLING to stop trying to figure out what went wrong and just accept that your lack of effective coping skills is what went wrong? (Instead of looking at any details, or "I said, she said" and "she did so I did"?)

Do you get how nuts that was to get pissed off cos she accepted chocolates from some other guy (even if he WAS romantically interested in her)?

 

And of course, it's all just us guessing, right? Unless you DO get in touch with her, you won't know one way or the other. But. Well.

*IF* you're sincere about your self-improvement *AND* you're ready to stop analyzing what went wrong, then you could let her know that. You could say that it is still early days but you are beginning to see that she is right; that you DO need to let go the past; that you DO want to be able to learn how to be that 'fun guy' again. And say that you ALSO realize that this is all for your own benefit, so you really appreciate that she mentioned it to you.

 

And that is it. End with thanking her and wishing her a terrific day (or whatever), and DO NOT ask for anything in return. Then see what, if anything, she gives you from her own free will...and post again if you need help with your next step

 

But seriously. Any/all of this ONLY IF you're sincere about your self-improvement *AND* you're ready to stop analyzing what went wrong.

That is, YOU have got to start making it about the future, your own future...whether or not she's going to want to have any part of it.

Edited December 10, 2009 by Ronni_W

[thatguy90]

I am ready to stop analyzing what went wrong, because that is the past, I can't change it, the only thing I can change and improve upon is the future and the present.

[carhill]

OP, it sounds like one of your family members was seriously ill or dying (you said 'losing'). If so, my sympathies. Regarding your GF, she's just not the right one for you. In life, we all go through crises. No one responds to them perfectly, as we are imperfect beings. Part of love is acceptance. The right person for you will accept such a crisis in your life and support you. Even a friend does that. Should we expect less of an intimate partner? So, accept that your former GF wants to 'have fun' and not be burdened with serious issues like family crises. It's OK. There are different paths for everyone. I hope you learned some good lessons from this experience, both in dealing with such matters as well as aspects to consider in a compatible mate.

 

Continue to work on yourself and move on. A woman who's looking for the 'perfect guy' and 'accepts chocolates from her best [male] friend' is not for you. Trust me.

[thatguy90]

Well the family issues came along, but the one thing I did, was get made at her for her best friend and the chocolates. I was never really happy again, I kept on telling her I was not happy with that, she kept on telling me that I have her, not him, that she would never leave me for him. She thinks I am the perfect guy.

[carhill]

Well, here goes:

 

You were living through a crisis and were not living life to the fullest and were sad.

 

She accepted chocolates from a male friend and you felt hurt by that and responded negatively, both to her and him.

 

You broke up. She wanted to be 'friends'. She 'started 'liking another guy' within a month of your break up but he didn't like her back. During that time she stated that you and she would have to be 'friends first' before getting back together.

 

Later, you apologized for the way you had been treating her and she told you to get over it and quit analyzing it.

 

Lastly, before you went NC, you said 'Then I asked her about me being the perfect guy', and [she said] 'yes you are, but you have to stop focusing on what went wrong between us, let go, because if you don't you will never be fun again.'

 

OP, setting aside your desire for her, can you honestly say that you felt appreciated and supported and loved during your experience with her? Take your desire and emotional attachment out of it. Look at the facts in the cold light of day. Everything I've read in your post has been about her. I've been there; lost myself, both in relationships and in a marriage. Those experiences have taught me about balance. Acceptance of what is there, meaning both my and my partner's responsibilities in the failure of the relationship, and, yet, not losing sight of the balance I know is healthy.

 

On day 13 of NC, I'll bet you hurt. I hope your family situation is going better now. Do you feel healthy, other than the hurt of loss? Think about that.

[thatguy90]

Well ... if I set aside my desire for her ... I do realize there was an imbalance, but that came because I had become submissive towards her. She knew that and told me that I have to get a bit of back bone, and she has to be less dominate over me. It worked out for a while, we were both fairly happy and everything. I just don't want to go back to it right now, Yes I really do hurt right now ... I have broken down into tears twice today because I miss her ... I know that parts are my fault and parts are her fault the only thing I can do is put this behind me ... if I want her back I have to let her go first ... be her friend yes YOU can say its her fault for leaving me, YES SHE ADMITS THAT, but also its my fault for making her want to leave because I WAS CONTROLLING HER BY TELLING HER WHAT TO DO! I told her that she has to start doing different things ... and well i became controlling and over dominate in some ways. IT WAS MY FAULT FOR THAT AND I ADMIT THAT!