pinkpanther083 Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 I’ve been with my partner for just shy of 2 and a half years, and since last Christmas I’ve been questioning whether this relationship is right for me, and I’ve been considering leaving him. In fact we have broken up 3 times in the past year, but have got back together a few days, or even a day later. Most recently I broke up with him in October, first I asked if we could have some time apart to think about things, and he said no, “it’s either one or the other”. So I ended it, the conversation was gut wrenching, and to see how broken he was made me feel evil. I gave him my reasons – I wasn’t happy and I found the situation with his children too difficult, I told him I wasn’t ready for children. (He has 2 daughters 4 and 9 who stay every weekend and had been staying every Tuesday as well, he’d go over their house every Thursday). I felt sad, and I cried nonstop throughout the whole conversation, so much so that I was sick. The conversation carried on while he packed his things, he began to get nasty and accuse me of things. I didn’t want to be there and be shouted at, so I said I’d go out while he got his things together. He then said “that’s it run away” so I stayed and took the verbal bashing. Then he calmed down and wanted my ‘real reasons’. Anyway eventually after 2 hours he calmed down and was nice, he just hugged me for ages and then drove me to my parents house. ( I let him keep the car as he had to pick his children up). After all that, I felt sad, but I felt like a weight had been lifted and I felt free. Went out with a friend and probably had a few too many to drink! But it was fun, and something I hadn’t done for almost a year as I don’t see my friends that much or go out with them. Then the next day when I was at my parents house, feeling emotional as the alcohol from the night before took its effect, I called him (he was at our house with his children). I said I’d made a mistake, and I didn’t want to give up on us. He seemed doubtful, but agreed for me to come over once the children had gone home. As I spoke to him, I tried to convince him that he was what I wanted, and I promised to try harder and make it work with him and the children. Previously I felt he needed to be more accommodating of our relationship as his children and his ex seemed to take priority (see my earlier posts form June/July), but I said maybe it was up to me to change now, and to be more tolerant (like I used to be before last Christmas). As I said the words I meant them, but afterwards it felt wrong. I decided to stick it out, and once again I felt like I’d made the right choice and I was happy. However, after two weekends of the children being over, and things being the same as usual (except he would tell them not to jump on the sofa now), I began to realise that I shouldn’t have gone back to him. At the time he said “how do I know this won’t happen again a few months down the line” I said nobody knows that but I wanted to try and I’d make a real effort. I have tried, I’ve been playing games with the children even if sometimes all I want to do is sit quietly and have a cuppa, I’ve been putting it aside. I admit I do still want to scream, and last weekend we went out for a meal with my parents, older sister, brother in law and my niece and I noticed it more then. It was a last minute thing, all I needed to do was change. The children were running round downstairs and making a lot of noise, it really got to me, I felt overwhelmed and stood behind the open wardrobe doors with my head in my hands thinking “I can’t do this”. At the meal I was at the end of the table next to the older girl, my partner was opposite me next to his youngest. I felt like I was on the kids table, and being involved in conversation was difficult, especially as the girls were a bit bored and tired, so we had to amuse them. I’ve seen my doctor several times over the past year, for about 5 months I saw her weekly, and I saw a counsellor at the beginning of the year. The counsellor said she couldn’t see me anymore because I didn’t need counselling – I knew what the problems were and I was able to understand what was wrong with the relationship, I just had to do something about it. My counsellor said “I shouldn’t say this, but if you were my daughter I’d tell you to get out.” My doctor knows how difficult I find things, and what my partner is like, she knows I’m not happy – after all she in the one prescribing me anti depressants and anti anxiety tablets, which I cannot be without at the moment, I have tried to lower my dose, but my mood drops too much. I’ve just had my birthday, and I didn’t get a present as such, but he said he’d spoken to my boss and booked a couple days off work and was going to take me to London, he had booked the trains and found a hotel. I was thrilled, he has never done anything like that for me before, he promised he would take me for my birthday last year, but it never happened. However, I was disappointed, we did go to London, but I paid for most of it, the hotel, £45 of the £67 dinner we had, my ticket for the London Eye and the Dungeon (he has an annual pass so didn’t need to pay). He said he’d give it back to me, but I know it will never happen, this close to Christmas he doesn’t have it, and after Christmas he won’t have it, then it will get forgotten about. I just feel like I’m always an after thought and that’s not what I want from a relationship, or from my life. He is a good man, and a devoted father, but when I imagine what my life would be like with him, it saddens me and I feel like I’m settling for less than I want. I know I’m only 26, and that’s not old, but it’s old enough, I don’t feel like I have achieved anything with my life, I have been to university and have a degree – but that’s it. Maybe I’m asking for too much, but I want a job I enjoy; my dream would be to continue with my scuba diver training and become an instructor and preferably work abroad – in June I was actually offered a paid internship in Mexico to begin in January, which would also lead to a guaranteed job at the end of it, but I turned it down. I think I was afraid. I think perhaps I see him as a friend or as a companion. We’ve lived together for 2 years, (in a shared house for 5 months, with my sister 15 months and in our own place for 4 months). I think about breaking up and living my life, doing all the things I dream of and be able to have my weekends back, see friends, visit family, and have a partner who is able to put me first as I would them, to feel like the relationship benefitted my life, instead of hampering it. All these things I know, but the thought of actually doing it, makes me terrified. Not just because breakups are very unpleasant and painful things, and also not because of how much I would hurt him, break him, but because I’d be without him. I have moments of anger when he is petty and purposefully tries to guilt trip me when I think “I don’t like you” but then when I lay in bed and night and think about ending it, him no longer being there next to me, all his things being gone from the house, me being alone in our home, I instantly think ”no!” I don’t understand it, I know I’m not happy, but I can’t leave. We dont’ even act like we’re in a relationship, there isn’t any kissing or cuddling, and if there is anything more I try to avoid it but if I can’t then I try to get it over and done with as soon as possible. It’s wrong, it’s a horrible thing to do and it must make him feel awful too, I try to look at it as I’m being unfair to both of us, he deserves somebody who will accept things as they are and can do it for the long run. I’m scared, of being alone, of making a mistake and leaving him when I shouldn’t, of hurting him beyond repair, of hurting and going through the break up for real and for good, of never seeing him again, of being 26 and having nothing to show for my life apart from a string of failed relationships. Please somebody help!
TaraMaiden Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 Oh jeezuz, listen to yourself. You have an education, a degree, and you had the opportunity to go to Mexico and have a wonderful time, but you were afraid.... afraid of what? You're not in love, you're needy and dependent and you need to snap out of it. Jeesh, at 26 I'd wasted my life and had a family - now at 53, I have a new partner, a new life and a great new future. I'm old enough to be your mother, so fer chrissakes, don't look at 26 as being past anything, over the hill, left on the shelf or doomed to spinsterhood for the remainder of your life! You want Life? Then go get it. because something - some payoff - is holding you in this hum-drum existence, and it's doing you no good at all. You're bright, talented and you have a future ahead of you. If he doesn't do it for you now - HE NEVER WILL. You wanna stay and settle for this? go ahead, be my guest. It's your choice. IT'S YOUR CHOICE. You DO have a choice. make it - break it - and get out there and grab life, because it sure as hell ain't gonna grab you.
EnigmasMuse Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 Do a search for books on codependence, chances are this is why you feel you can't leave.
Author pinkpanther083 Posted December 11, 2009 Author Posted December 11, 2009 You're right Taramaiden, I do want life, and I do want to go out there and get it. when I said I was afriad I meant because it was all new, and out of my safe zone, but I think that is perhaps what I need? The oportunity in Mexico is still there, more places become available in June. I think deep dpwn I decided I wanted to leave a long time ago, but I haven't done it because, well I'm not exactly sure why, I should have left a long time ago. I just don't know HOW to do it?? Can I do it this close to Christmas or do I leave it ill afterwards? I feel like I'm betraying him by ending it, we've been talking baout Christmas presents etc and we're putting up decorations with the children tonight/tomorrow. I suppose in a way I don't feel strong enough to do it, part of me would like to sweep it all under the carpet and pretend that things are ok. Nobody enjoys breaking up, I know that, but it's going to be horendous. Plus my family will tell me that I've done a terrible thing to end it all at this time of year. Well, my older sister will. She thinks the world of him, and as a friend I can see why, but she isn't the one living with him or raising his children.
Leonard Posted December 11, 2009 Posted December 11, 2009 Oh jeezuz, listen to yourself. You have an education, a degree, and you had the opportunity to go to Mexico and have a wonderful time, but you were afraid.... afraid of what? You're not in love, you're needy and dependent and you need to snap out of it. Jeesh, at 26 I'd wasted my life and had a family - now at 53, I have a new partner, a new life and a great new future. I'm old enough to be your mother, so fer chrissakes, don't look at 26 as being past anything, over the hill, left on the shelf or doomed to spinsterhood for the remainder of your life! You want Life? Then go get it. because something - some payoff - is holding you in this hum-drum existence, and it's doing you no good at all. You're bright, talented and you have a future ahead of you. If he doesn't do it for you now - HE NEVER WILL. You wanna stay and settle for this? go ahead, be my guest. It's your choice. IT'S YOUR CHOICE. You DO have a choice. make it - break it - and get out there and grab life, because it sure as hell ain't gonna grab you. This woman speaks the truth. I can't say it better myself.
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