Showing them you do care after the EA

[Planofool]

As a cheated on husband what is my motivation to give my wife the attention she needs? How do I bring myself to lavish attention and love and all the things women want and need on a woman who has wronged me. How do I get over the hurt feelings of being used and show her the affection and love she wants. I don't feel it right now and it's been two years and 5 months since d day. I realise I may be pushing her towards some man that will give her all the attention she wants but I just can't make myself do it. I lost so much respect for her and I don't know if she can ever regain it.

So what do us men do to keep them from straying again?

[whichwayisup]

What has SHE done to regain your trust in her? What has she done for you? This shouldn't just fall on your lap - It's not your fault she chose to cheat on you.

 

Why does it have to be what you can do for her, to keep her happy and at home? Again, what has she done to make YOU feel special loved and needed?

[Planofool]

That's a very good question that I can't answer without some thought on the matter.

In the beginning she was full of apologies and trying to make things work out. That has dwindled with time.

Oh I know what she did....she got arrested for shoplifting. That sure made me pay attention to her.

[whichwayisup]

Take time and think about it. P, you shouldn't be the one jumping through hoops to please her, to make sure she's happy so she doesn't go looking somewhere else.. SHE is responsible for her own happiness (to an extent) and if she is sorry, feels remorse, she has to prove to it in ACTIONS... ALL the time, not just when she feels like it.

 

Did she ever do counselling? Sounds like she needs it now..

 

Arrested for shop lifting?! How long ago was that?

[Planofool]

She is on her second therapist. When she got caught shoplifting in August the therapist she was seeing said she needed to move up the ladder and start going to a place that also had medical facilities. She has seen the new therapist twice. The last time I went to my therapist, which was right after the shoplifting, she said it was no telling what would be next. Her opinion of my wife getting better was slim.

[doushenka]

Sometimes the only loving act is letting go.

 

If you're intent on keeping her: you do not owe her anything. She owes YOU. She has proven, time and time again, that she is not to be trusted. Don't trust her. Make her work for your trust. If that's too much work for her, perhaps she doesn't deserve you.

 

Best of luck.

[allhopelost]

As a cheated on husband what is my motivation to give my wife the attention she needs? How do I bring myself to lavish attention and love and all the things women want and need on a woman who has wronged me. How do I get over the hurt feelings of being used and show her the affection and love she wants. I don't feel it right now and it's been two years and 5 months since d day. I realise I may be pushing her towards some man that will give her all the attention she wants but I just can't make myself do it. I lost so much respect for her and I don't know if she can ever regain it.

So what do us men do to keep them from straying again?

 

I am still trying to figure that out myself. My FWW's reasoning for the A was that she felt there was something wrong with her for feeling she was unable to get me be more intimate more often with her. Personally, after all this crap, I feel she is less desirable emotionally/intellectually to me now than ever before! Physically desirable, yes, more so now, but I blame that on my attempts to "reclaim" what was once exclusively mine.

Of course now, in the midst of HB, she seems content, but I do worry about this same thing when this phase of R starts to dwindle. More importantly, to me, is what is SHE doing to keep me from looking for somebody more deserving of my resources than her? I would be lying to myself if I said I haven't been on the lookout to see whats out there.

As far as other attention, anything I do over and above what I was doing pre-A seems shallow and insincere to me. I feel like I am rewarding her for her bad decisions and quite honestly it irritates me to think I am behaving/feeling this way. I have stated in other threads that I was certain that I love my wife, however I am uncertain I really know what love is anymore. It may all be an illusion, a protectionism my mind has enveloped to protect me from feeling pain, and as you are well aware, there is more pain associated with a WW's affair than a death of a loved one. At least with death, there is closure.

It is depressing for me to see so many people still struggling after many years post D day. I honestly don't know if I have the endurance to keep fighting for closure for so many years when it seems there is no such thing as closure in these matters...

[eeyore1981]

I am still trying to figure that out myself. My FWW's reasoning for the A was that she felt there was something wrong with her for feeling she was unable to get me be more intimate more often with her. Personally, after all this crap, I feel she is less desirable emotionally/intellectually to me now than ever before! Physically desirable, yes, more so now, but I blame that on my attempts to "reclaim" what was once exclusively mine.

Of course now, in the midst of HB, she seems content, but I do worry about this same thing when this phase of R starts to dwindle. More importantly, to me, is what is SHE doing to keep me from looking for somebody more deserving of my resources than her? I would be lying to myself if I said I haven't been on the lookout to see whats out there.

As far as other attention, anything I do over and above what I was doing pre-A seems shallow and insincere to me. I feel like I am rewarding her for her bad decisions and quite honestly it irritates me to think I am behaving/feeling this way. I have stated in other threads that I was certain that I love my wife, however I am uncertain I really know what love is anymore. It may all be an illusion, a protectionism my mind has enveloped to protect me from feeling pain, and as you are well aware, there is more pain associated with a WW's affair than a death of a loved one. At least with death, there is closure.

It is depressing for me to see so many people still struggling after many years post D day. I honestly don't know if I have the endurance to keep fighting for closure for so many years when it seems there is no such thing as closure in these matters...

 

I struggled with the feelings of rewarding for bad behavior. I felt like I did the right things trying to work out our problems, and didn't get much help from my H. I am dealing with this by respecting my own feelings. If something comes up and I began feeling resentful, I say so, and if H doesn't like it, too bad. He can talk with me and try to work it out, he can get angry, or he can go find someone else if he so chooses. I'm not doing anything to 'keep him faithful', because that isn't my job, it is his, and as hard as it is to accept, if someone wants to cheat, they are going to no matter what you do. I have been very clear I will not tolerate this again, and it is up to him to do with that information what he will.

 

I, too, aquired a roving eye. I'm hoping I'm over it, but I can't kid myself, the next time some random guy shows an interest in me, it's not going to be an automatic response to shut it down like it was pre-A. Some things can't be completely repaired once they have been broken.

[Kasan]

As a cheated on husband what is my motivation to give my wife the attention she needs? How do I bring myself to lavish attention and love and all the things women want and need on a woman who has wronged me. How do I get over the hurt feelings of being used and show her the affection and love she wants. I don't feel it right now and it's been two years and 5 months since d day. I realise I may be pushing her towards some man that will give her all the attention she wants but I just can't make myself do it. I lost so much respect for her and I don't know if she can ever regain it.

So what do us men do to keep them from straying again?

 

I've wondered how you have been, and also sorry that you are still struggling with the setting of boundaries with your wife.

 

You do realize that no amount of attention or love from you is going to fix this woman, as her problems are much deeper than just cheating on you. Her constant need for validation and attention are part of her illness.

 

I'm am really glad to see that she is starting to get the help that she needs... for you and your kids.

 

If your not feeling it right now, I can certainly understand why, as the constant upheaval in your household must have been/still is draining. Did you ever have any luck with cleaning up the house?

 

I would hope that while your wife is in treatment you focus on your kids.

 

You don't have to make any decisions about anything right now concerning your wife................

 

I am really sorry for what you and your family are going through.

Edited December 10, 2009 by Kasan

[angie2443]

I struggled with the feelings of rewarding for bad behavior. I felt like I did the right things trying to work out our problems, and didn't get much help from my H. I am dealing with this by respecting my own feelings. If something comes up and I began feeling resentful, I say so, and if H doesn't like it, too bad. He can talk with me and try to work it out, he can get angry, or he can go find someone else if he so chooses. I'm not doing anything to 'keep him faithful', because that isn't my job, it is his, and as hard as it is to accept, if someone wants to cheat, they are going to no matter what you do. I have been very clear I will not tolerate this again, and it is up to him to do with that information what he will.

.

 

I like your attitude. I think it's important to talk with your partner and meet what needs you can and also express your needs and make sure there met when they can be. At the same time, I don't think it's healthy to be jumping through hoops just so your partner won't leave or just so they won't cheat. Life's too short for that.

[Planofool]

I struggled with the feelings of rewarding for bad behavior. I felt like I did the right things trying to work out our problems, and didn't get much help from my H. I am dealing with this by respecting my own feelings. If something comes up and I began feeling resentful, I say so, and if H doesn't like it, too bad. He can talk with me and try to work it out, he can get angry, or he can go find someone else if he so chooses. I'm not doing anything to 'keep him faithful', because that isn't my job, it is his, and as hard as it is to accept, if someone wants to cheat, they are going to no matter what you do. I have been very clear I will not tolerate this again, and it is up to him to do with that information what he will.

 

I, too, aquired a roving eye. I'm hoping I'm over it, but I can't kid myself, the next time some random guy shows an interest in me, it's not going to be an automatic response to shut it down like it was pre-A. Some things can't be completely repaired once they have been broken.

 

Couldn't of said it better myself.

 

Kasan, thanks for remembering me. The house has not improved much. Paths are wider but that meant piling stuff higher. She goes in spurts. She hasn't seen her therapist for over a month now but has an appointment scheduled. This therapist only knows of the hoarding and shopping disorders and I have yet to meet with her. She is not allowed to go grocery shopping because that is where she got caught. I do all the grocery shopping now. If she goes into a Wal Mart or somewhere similar it's like being with a drunk in a bar. She fills the cart with stuff we don't need and you can see the high she is on while doing it.

 

I have had some fun with it though. The OM has a shoplifting charge against him from years ago. So I contacted him via e-mail to see if he could offer any suggestions for her recovery. He wasn't very happy with me in the beginning. I won him over with my sincerity and concern for both him and my wife. I then suggested that she contact him so he could help her. My reasoning was two fold, she was always in a great mood when they were having their EA so I was willing to overlook there talking if it helped her to be happy again, and he had experience since he had also been a shoplifter. In the end there was no contact but I had fun with it anyway.

He still e-mails to see how she is doing. I take shots at him and he doesn't seem to notice. That goes back to his one track mind of wanting in her pants at any cost.( Even being nice to her husband who he knows really hates him). Maybe the laugh is on me.

 

The kids still struggle with her but have learned to let her rant and rave then go on with life.

 

I will say when she is going to the therapist she seems to be a better person. She has been told that she needs to attend AAA meetings but she hasn't. Both her parents were alcoholics.

 

Who knows what she will pull next.

[imagine]

Hi Planofool,

 

Your life has got to be interesting partnered as you are -

 

I would recommend that you have meeting with your wife in terms of improving the marriage. Therapy is expensive. Hopefully, both of you can fulfill this function.

 

Read through the articles at Marriage Builders. Find out exactly how a Policy Of Joint Agreement works. Before you commence, both of you must commit to the process.

 

Do call back after you have read it!

[Planofool]

Imagine, I read the Policy Of Joint Agreement. Sad to say for us, we don't have many conflicts to discuss. Our main conflict is usually our daughter and we do sit down and discuss our way to handle it. It's the smaller issues that we don't discuss. I now have an attitude where I don't care like I used to. I use to jump and every chance to make sure she stayed happy with me and resolve all issues. Resolving usually meant me caving in to what she wanted. Now I don't give a sh*t how she feels when she is being demanding. Sorry but she has lost all trust and respect from me.

She has issues that only she can get over. I have spent 27 yrs being her whipping post and it " ain't gonn-a happen no more".

[soserious1]

Imagine, I read the Policy Of Joint Agreement. Sad to say for us, we don't have many conflicts to discuss. Our main conflict is usually our daughter and we do sit down and discuss our way to handle it. It's the smaller issues that we don't discuss. I now have an attitude where I don't care like I used to. I use to jump and every chance to make sure she stayed happy with me and resolve all issues. Resolving usually meant me caving in to what she wanted. Now I don't give a sh*t how she feels when she is being demanding. Sorry but she has lost all trust and respect from me.

She has issues that only she can get over. I have spent 27 yrs being her whipping post and it " ain't gonn-a happen no more".

 

Have you gotten a dumpster and hired a clean out crew to go thru that house yet?

 

Do you really understand that living in a house that's so cluttered that you have "pathways" to walk thru the place

is dangerous in so many different ways that I can't even begin to list them here?

 

You need to take pictures of the house and take them to the new therapist, wifey goes to the hospital and while she's there, the big clean out happens, if she even begins to try to shop after her release, she's out, you file for divorce.

[imagine]

Have you gotten a dumpster and hired a clean out crew to go thru that house yet?

 

 

Yup. There that thing of her making contact with other men. You mentioned that she needs to attend AA meetings but doesn't.

 

By the sounds of things - communication isn't.

[Boundary Problem]

Do you really understand that living in a house that's so cluttered that you have "pathways" to walk thru the place

is dangerous in so many different ways that I can't even begin to list them here?

 

You need to take pictures of the house and take them to the new therapist, wifey goes to the hospital and while she's there, the big clean out happens, if she even begins to try to shop after her release, she's out, you file for divorce.

 

 

Hoarding is such a big sign of problems. Shoplifting, EA, needing to go to AA, but not going.

 

At a certain point you have to ask yourself what this is modelling for the children.

 

My ex was a hoarder. We've been separated/divorced now for 1 yr and 7 months. And I'm still getting rid of clutter in the house. I can't believe how much stuff he hoarded. It held up the sale of the house in the divorce because the home was not in saleable condition. Huge problem.

 

Got to the point there was so much clutter in the house I couldn't have people in the house. I was so desensitized that I actually thought it was OK that we couldn't entertain anyone in our home.

 

I definitely feel for you. You are obviously very strong. I hope you are getting counselling for yourself so you can decide what YOU want and what is going to be the best path for the children.

 

You don't have to live with this. It is OK to say "I've had enough, and I will be OK, this isn't for me, and I deserve a better life than this, and I will build it for myself and my children".

[Planofool]

At a certain point you have to ask yourself what this is modelling for the children

.

Oldest child is 22 and he clashes with his mom quite frequently. Middle child is so busy with school and stuff she seems indifferent. Yougest is 12 and gets on her mom for hoarding and buying stuff we don't need all the time. All of them love her and know she has issues.

 

 

Got to the point there was so much clutter in the house I couldn't have people in the house. I was so desensitized that I actually thought it was OK that we couldn't entertain anyone in our home.

We keep the main part of the house clean and she clutters the basement and our bedroom. Our bedroom, closet, and bath are in a 32 x 28 foot room, she has it full.

 

You don't have to live with this. It is OK to say "I've had enough, and I will be OK, this isn't for me, and I deserve a better life than this, and I will build it for myself and my children".

Ok I've had enough. Financially how can I build anything? I would think she is going to get everything. How can you build a new and better life with her getting everything and we get nothing to build with?

[Owl]

Why would she get everything????

 

At most, she should get half.

 

That should include half of the bills, as well as half of the existing resourcees.

 

Given her issues, I'd also seriously doubt she'd stand a huge chance of winning full custody...which means you'd have the children that still live at home, and would then not pay child support either.

 

Does she have any kind of job? If so, there's no reason why you'd have to pay her spousal support.

 

What would you end up really "losing" in this case? Besides a toxic lifestyle for you AND YOUR CHILDREN.

[Church Bells]

Why would she get everything????

 

At most, she should get half.

 

That should include half of the bills, as well as half of the existing resourcees.

 

Given her issues, I'd also seriously doubt she'd stand a huge chance of winning full custody...which means you'd have the children that still live at home, and would then not pay child support either.

 

Does she have any kind of job? If so, there's no reason why you'd have to pay her spousal support.

 

What would you end up really "losing" in this case? Besides a toxic lifestyle for you AND YOUR CHILDREN.

 

This is SOLID ... GOOD advice.

 

At least, you should schedule an appointment with the BEST divorce attorney in your area to see what your financial life after divorce would look like. YOU may be surprised, especially with the body of evidence you have against her.

 

As a fellow BH ... 2.5 years post D-Day, I understand a lot of the emotions you're experiencing, and I have what some would consider the model repentent, remorseful FWW. Given the additional issues you are up against, there just doesn't seem to be much worth salvaging with this WW, regardless of cost.

 

Even before you have adjusted to the new financial circumstances post divorce ... you will be ENJOYING your new found PEACE OF MIND!!!

 

Good Luck to you.

[seibert253]

After exposing my FWW's A to all who would listen, the next thing I did was contact an attorney. Being in LE I know alot of them and had the best, who was willing to take my case at a 1/3 of his regular rate.

But, all worked out well and I never needed him.

 

You need to protect your children and you. Your WW can fend for herself.

[Planofool]

 

What would you end up really "losing" in this case? Besides a toxic lifestyle for you AND YOUR CHILDREN.

 

Why is it that I don't see it for the "TOXIC" lifestyle that it is? Why do I stay in the marriage?

 

The one thing that drove me to seek IC was for the kids. The only time I really get upset anymore is when she is at her worst with the kids. Why can't I see it for what it is?

[Owl]

Why is it that I don't see it for the "TOXIC" lifestyle that it is? Why do I stay in the marriage?

 

The one thing that drove me to seek IC was for the kids. The only time I really get upset anymore is when she is at her worst with the kids. Why can't I see it for what it is?

 

What do you want to hear?

 

If you like the way that you're living...what do you want from LS? What did you hope to gain here?

 

Why did you post about her hoarding, about the 'pathways' through the house, about her unctrolled spending....if it DOESN'T bother you?

 

Last thought...even if it doesn't bother you...does it bother your kids? It may be fine for you...but what is she, what are you teaching your children about how to live?

 

It's up to you. I don't live there. She's not my wife, they're not my kids, it's not my responsibility to care for them or for you.

 

The bottom line is...what do you really want here?

[Planofool]

It bothers all of us.

 

I am just looking for advise....maybe something will open my eyes. Maybe someone can help me to see the way to make this all work. Thanks for your input.

[Owl]

It sounds to me as though you already see it as toxic...but it just doesn't bother you enough to want to force a change yet. You've learned to accept it.

 

The "pain of living this way" hasn't grown to the point of overcoming the "fear of change".

 

The situation will probably have to grow worse before you'll make the active choice to change it.

 

This isn't a bash/insult/attack...just an observation on where I think you're at right now.

[Planofool]

Owl, I would say you are correct. I have learned to live with it. Change will happen when the next surprise is too much to handle.