Texas2004 Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 My girlfriend and I were together for about a year when she broke up with me about 3 months ago. There were no fights, abuse, anything like that. Basically, she wanted a stronger commitment to marriage, kids, etc and I at the time was not ready for this. In the time since, she has dealt with some major issues (mainly the loss of her brother in a car accident). It was a very traumatic time, and I have done my best to be there for her as moral support (without any ulterior motive of winning her back). She has been very open and thankful for me being there for her. We had started getting closer again (talking, hanging out) without any physical connection. I was actually quite content with this, as I was trying to be supportive and give her some normalcy in her life. However, two weeks ago, she was talking with me on the phone and brought up out of the blue that she had dated a guy briefly (3 weeks after we broke up!) and had significant issues with him, and asked me why she had challenges in keeping men interested (as she thought I didn’t have interest in her because I wasn’t ready to commit). Needless to say, I struggled with how to answer. I told her I was upset with how the guy treated her, that she deserved better, but I also indicated some of the challenges we had in our relationship (because she asked). I did also tell her how much more I loved her now and how attractive I still found her, and how I would always be there for her. The whole conversation, she really said nothing to me, though I could tell she was crying. She told me I gave her a lot to think about, and we called it a night. Fast forward to now, I haven’t heard anything from her for the past two weeks and am totally confused. Why can’t she tell me what she’s thinking? If I put too much out there, at least tell me that. If she doesn’t have feelings for me anymore, wants to make it clear we can only be friends, then tell me that as well. She broke up with me originally so she should be able to at least tell me this. Or, is she wanting to possibly get back together but she doesn’t want to get hurt again (in case I’m still not ready to commit)? It really bothers me that she can’t at least send me a text or email or call, just to let me know what she’s thinking. I mean, she had the courtesy to break up with me in person, why does she now treat me like I don’t exist? Should I just leave it alone and give her space? I’m in a lot of pain, because I still love her with all my heart. Any thoughts on what might be going through her head?
kickintheaz Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 hmmmm... I have spent several months trying to figure out my ex, similar circumstances without the traumatic event yours had to go through, but mine has one big issue she is trying to deal with and i was there for her for that until I couldn't deal with the mixed signals anymore. tbh, I gave up analyzing and thinking of what she may be thinking, I have gone NC now for a week and its helping me. I think texas, you should focus on you, you have feelings for her that are beyond platonic and any interaction with her from your side would be detrimental to you. She may need time to consider what you told her and to examine her feelings on it, remember she broke up with you, so her feelings had to have changed, regardless of the fact the reasons were yours as you say. You never know, she may be surfing this site and have come across the power of NC in other peoples stories!! you should try and end the 'what is she thinking' syndrome and move onto 'how do I move past this'... If its meant to be, in time, it'll be, its hard to give up hope esp if there have been 'breadcrumbs' thrown in your direction, but hope is what keeps us stuck in a rut. Live for you now not for her. move on, maintain NC from your side, whats done is done, don't go backwards in your thinking, look to the future and if she ends up in it somehow, then well done, if not, don't fret.. you'll be on a path to a much better you and your thoughts will be your own.. its hard not to think, I still do, but look, if she wants to tell you anything she will, when she is good and ready and there is nothing you can do to force the issue.
zepland Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 HI. I am not a professional psychologist or expert of any kind, so take my point of view for what is it. First, you sound very confused and you are acting very passively in this whole situation. You seem that you are anticipating and even knowing what she is thinking, when you DONT. You are having bad thoughts and this is reflecting in your approach. You have to change your attitude and start seeing the positives. You said that she broke up with you because you were not ready for commitment. If that is the only reason I do not see what this fuss is all about. Keep it simple. Are you ready now for commitment? Do you want to get back with her? Just ask yourself what you want for you and for her, and then act accordingly. You seem to be reacting to emotions rather than responding. You are reacting from emotion because she seems to have managed to make you jealous and have inspired in you the need for protecting her, and now you think that she does not like you anymore, when the opposite is probably true. Make you life simple, DO NOT complicate it. Just make it clear in your mind what you want, do not pay attention to what she does or does not, say or does not, you can never know what she really means, give up on that. Be a man, make a decision, and if you are for ready for commitment, make a step forward, take her by the hand, and enjoy the happily ever after. But do not do that only because you are now afraid of losing her to other guys or because you feel she might be taking distance from you, DO that because you heart as well as your mind agree on wanting to be her man. Be a man and have courage.
Author Texas2004 Posted December 10, 2009 Author Posted December 10, 2009 Good points...my feelings have changed for her - I actually have realized a stronger love for her since we broke up, because I discovered through my support for her with her brother's death (her only sibling), my love was unconditional. I never thought about myself, only her. I told her this in my conversation, and I was also very clear that I would always be there, no matter what happened with us. I know deep down that she doesn't hate me, in fact, she probably still loves me. However, she just can't deal with it right now for whatever reason. I think NC on my end is best, because I can't sit around each day waiting for that call. I just have to press forward and when she is ready, I will be there to talk.
kickintheaz Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 Good points...my feelings have changed for her - I actually have realized a stronger love for her since we broke up, because I discovered through my support for her with her brother's death (her only sibling), my love was unconditional. I never thought about myself, only her. I told her this in my conversation, and I was also very clear that I would always be there, no matter what happened with us. I know deep down that she doesn't hate me, in fact, she probably still loves me. However, she just can't deal with it right now for whatever reason. I think NC on my end is best, because I can't sit around each day waiting for that call. I just have to press forward and when she is ready, I will be there to talk. you've just quoted me practically verbatim on a conversation I had with friends recently! best of luck to you with it, tis tough, but its doable..and when nc is too hard, come on here, I know it helps me. if she comes round then cross that bridge then... if not, well your healing has started by not seeing/talking to her...
Yael Posted December 11, 2009 Posted December 11, 2009 Sounds to me like she doesn't know if you have changed. Seems to me things have gone back to being the same as it was before. You need to lay it out with her. If you see a future with her tell her. Do what me are suppose to do - say what you mean. she is probably as confused as you are. And as a female, I am always scared I am reading too much into things, so I pull back. and get even more confused. Just put it out there for her. good luck.
Author Texas2004 Posted December 11, 2009 Author Posted December 11, 2009 A lot of good advice here. I took the initiative and sent her a message today telling her exactly how I feel. I actually am ready for a commitment and want to try to make it work with her. I know in my heart that this is not a "want what I can't have" scenario. I do know however that we would have to work repairing what has been lost from the breakup, and then move forward together. I actually think I'm in a win-win here. If she truly loves me and wants to make it work (and now she knows I am willing to commit), then I think we stand a good chance. However, if she can't do it, which is probably the most likely thing, then I know she isn't the one for me. I'm just glad I have shared all of my emotions with her. I would have regretted not getting it all out. Anybody think was a good idea? Or should I have stuck with NC?
sean1970 Posted December 11, 2009 Posted December 11, 2009 I told her I was upset with how the guy treated her, that she deserved better, but I also indicated some of the challenges we had in our relationship (because she asked). I did also tell her how much more I loved her now and how attractive I still found her, and how I would always be there for her. How can you not think you are in the "friend zone" if she is talking to you about another guy she dated...? Reverse it... Would you talk to her about another girl if you wanted to be with her?
almostpassedit Posted December 12, 2009 Posted December 12, 2009 Dude, I did not EVEN READ YOUR entire post. I stopped when you said "She brought up X Name" #1) Your girlfriend is not into you #2) She's fawking this other man or plans on it or will do it very soon. #3) SHe brings up this OM as to tell herself in her head "Well, I told him" #4) Your like her "best friend" not her "Boy friend" #5) She is telling you to "GO AWAY" in a nice way. #6) She will or plans very soon to fawk this guy. Its over. Stop being there for her. Yeah her brother died, who cares, go NC.
TomTom5 Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 So what happened? Did she come back? I think I really NEED to know!!!
Author Texas2004 Posted December 20, 2009 Author Posted December 20, 2009 No....working on three weeks and no contact from her. Despite the posts here, still dumbfounded why I can't get any response. I'm honestly willing and wanting to try and make it work (and she has been told this), but she can't seem to bring herself to talk to me. My gut feeling is that she is wrangling over what to do. If she really didn't want me at all, she would have told me. However, since she hasn't come forward, she isn't sold on it yet either. I'm curious to hear any opinions on what might be the tipping point for her? I'm not going to contact her again until I hear something.
Angel1111 Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 (edited) It may be a case of too much, too little, too late. Now that she's disengaged from you to an extent, she may be re-thinking the whole relationship. She's also dealing with a lot with the loss of her brother and possibly can't bring herself to think about her relationship with you. I'm not sure what you said to her as to what the problems were between you, but if they were bad enough, that may explain why she was crying. She may have concluded that your view of her was an insurmountable obstacle. She may also not be convinced that you're serious about wanting her back. How about sending flowers to her or something like that? Persistence - done in a respectful way - speaks volumes to a woman. Personally, I think you're too passive about the whole thing and if I were her, I would interpret your actions as insincere, or that you're just not that nuts about her. It may be your nature to be very controlled but just remember that this can also be seen as indifference. You need to make an effort to see her in person. Edited December 20, 2009 by Angel1111
ADF Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 Your relationship with this woman is over. She doesn't have the guts to say so.
jms76 Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 I'm afraid I agree with a lot of the other members. If it's been 3 weeks and you told her how you feel/want to give her what she wants, then you should assume it's over. Do what you need to do to heal. Accept that life deals us ****ty hands from time to time and fold this one. Ante up and get ready for the next round.
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