minutebyminute Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 Lets just say, the whole affair had to do with the spouses inadequecy. . He didn't like oral on me, he didn't like to take the time with my body, it was just an in and out thing, I had a hard time having an O, he just gave up making it pleasurable for only himself. Things have progressed. A lot of hurt has happened to open his eyes to the fact that I need intimate sex with him, from him, and good sex, not just the once a week thing. I want him to do the fantasy job like the other man, but wouldn't, couldn't, until all was about to end. I want to be open with him about what I want, but feel it is too late in the game. After 25 years with the same partner, how do you change him sexually?? That is my question. I want to reunite with him, I feel there is still something there, but sex is a big part of my life. I didn't figure this out unitl recently, it was a huge void in my being. I am a beautiful, sexy, intelligent woman, who is also a mother and caregiver. I want what I deserve from my husband, I want hot, intimate, unruly, passionate sex! My H has always been turned off when I ask for this, but when he is frisky everything is okay. This leaves me mad and spiteful. I don't want this anymore. I want a sexual relationship with him and if I can't then I need to leave. What can I do to introduce myself to him again? What can I do to make him take his time with me? What can I do to make our love sessions more succesful? I do love my H, but I don't want to live my life alone. . . Thanks for your reply
Fallen Angel Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 Lets just say, the whole affair had to do with the spouses inadequecy. . He didn't like oral on me, he didn't like to take the time with my body, it was just an in and out thing, I had a hard time having an O, he just gave up making it pleasurable for only himself. Things have progressed. A lot of hurt has happened to open his eyes to the fact that I need intimate sex with him, from him, and good sex, not just the once a week thing. I want him to do the fantasy job like the other man, but wouldn't, couldn't, until all was about to end. I want to be open with him about what I want, but feel it is too late in the game. After 25 years with the same partner, how do you change him sexually?? That is my question. I want to reunite with him, I feel there is still something there, but sex is a big part of my life. I didn't figure this out unitl recently, it was a huge void in my being. I am a beautiful, sexy, intelligent woman, who is also a mother and caregiver. I want what I deserve from my husband, I want hot, intimate, unruly, passionate sex! My H has always been turned off when I ask for this, but when he is frisky everything is okay. This leaves me mad and spiteful. I don't want this anymore. I want a sexual relationship with him and if I can't then I need to leave. What can I do to introduce myself to him again? What can I do to make him take his time with me? What can I do to make our love sessions more succesful? I do love my H, but I don't want to live my life alone. . . Thanks for your reply Print out this post, and hand it to him. Tell him that is exactly where you are emotionally right now, and that you really want to fix it. And then get detailed about what you want. The best sex I have ever had is with My MM, but not simply because he is a great lover, but because I have learned to communicate my desires, have been given the freedom by him to ask for what I want, and when I do, EVERYTIME I DO, he gives it to me. If you can't sit down and talk openly about it with your husband, then you need to work on your communication issues before you work on your sexual ones. Good luck, and GREAT SEX!
White Flower Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 Print out this post, and hand it to him. Tell him that is exactly where you are emotionally right now, and that you really want to fix it. And then get detailed about what you want. The best sex I have ever had is with My MM, but not simply because he is a great lover, but because I have learned to communicate my desires, have been given the freedom by him to ask for what I want, and when I do, EVERYTIME I DO, he gives it to me. If you can't sit down and talk openly about it with your husband, then you need to work on your communication issues before you work on your sexual ones. Good luck, and GREAT SEX! I agree. It would hurt to see the stuff about your OM but hey if you're going to exit the M anyway you might as well take a final risk and show him your true feelings before you bow out. Let him know what is at stake because then and only then might he take some action to winning you back.
jwi71 Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 If you want to end your M, go on and print out this post and let your H see how lousy he is and how good the OM is. You might as well simultaneously cut off his penis, rip his guts out and shoot him in the head. That MIGHT equal 1/100000000000 of how that will affect your H. Rather...TELL HIM MOST of that post. Tell him openly and honestly what you need sexually (that's a real turn ON for me btw...love that). Should yo go the route of telling him...make damn sure you don't say, verbally or otherwise, that HE is deficient. If you do, expect the first part above. Every man is a Casanova hung stud in his own eyes. Of course, for me that IS true . Because this conversation is a real minefield...perhaps seeing a therapist would help you each. A sex therapist. Someone specifically trained to help couples with these types of intimacy issues.
TheLoneSock Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 This is why people need to have wild, passionate monkey sex with each other BEFORE they get married. How else are you supposed to know what they are capable of?
woodsfield Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 This is why people need to have wild, passionate monkey sex with each other BEFORE they get married. How else are you supposed to know what they are capable of? exactly, but i've been my w for only ten years (married for 5) and we are still passionate. the million dollar question is: how to revive the monkey sex? in response to the previous posters suggesting that she show him her post...that can two ways. her way or the highway. i'd prefer if the OP would do something to stop the double life, but this should be the last gasp, not the first thing. maybe the OP is already there...dunno. good luck, mbm.
TheLoneSock Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 exactly, but i've been my w for only ten years (married for 5) and we are still passionate. the million dollar question is: how to revive the monkey sex? Start working out a ton and get a bike (motorcycle) to take her out on. Or get the tattoo you've always wanted. Don't be afraid to let the bad boy out dude. The monkey sex will soon follow.
woodsfield Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 Start working out a ton and get a bike (motorcycle) to take her out on. Or get the tattoo you've always wanted. Don't be afraid to let the bad boy out dude. The monkey sex will soon follow. she originally liked the badboy, now she is more into choreplay.
jennie-jennie Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 The right partner is A and O in my experience. You need to have a similar level of sex drive. I'd stop wasting my time on someone who is not really into sex and find someone who is!
Author minutebyminute Posted December 10, 2009 Author Posted December 10, 2009 I would never show him this post, just cherry pick what I need to say to him. The H has all the tools, just does not use them correctly. I've been trying to communicate what I think would be great for both of us, but I can see in his face he doesn't like to be told what to do, like it's turning him off and the sex into a chore. He doesn't like his wife/mother of his children talking dirty or playing with herself. If we get into it and I'm on top he's like easy, don't rip it off. Just ruins the whole thing for me. I never had anything to compare him to, until I had an A, but the OM was into it, I could rip it off and he wanted more! The A opened my eyes to the fact that sex is a huge part of what makes me happy. It makes me feel sexy just thinking about the intimacy between us. It makes me feel whole and actually gives me the strength to keep up with my kids, work, etc. I'm not an addict, I just found out way too late in the game what I was missing. After I had my two girls, it's like the H didn't want to go down there anymore?! He tells me that I'm beautiful and sexy all the time, but when it comes down to the sex, it seems it's all about him and his needs, he loves to get a BJ, and I love giving it to him, but at the same time it makes me mad! All this hostility over something that I want to be so great. GEEZ Maybe I married a prude. Maybe we just don't jive sexually, but more on a intellectual level, which sucks for me and him. He is missing out too!
GorillaTheater Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 I know what you mean. If my wife was fat, or laid there like a sack of potatoes, or refused to swallow, I'd be f*cking around on her too.
woodsfield Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 Maybe I married a prude. Maybe we just don't jive sexually, but more on a intellectual level, which sucks for me and him. He is missing out too! he IS missing out. he should consider himself very blessed to have a women like you. you did marry a prude; i was thinking this as i read your last post, but can you or have you tried marriage counseling? i hate that you had to go elsewhere to find satisfaction...just remember that you have children involved.
Author minutebyminute Posted December 10, 2009 Author Posted December 10, 2009 I know what you mean. If my wife was fat, or laid there like a sack of potatoes, or refused to swallow, I'd be f*cking around on her too. Thanks for the laugh!
Untouchable_Fire Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 I would never show him this post, just cherry pick what I need to say to him. The H has all the tools, just does not use them correctly. I've been trying to communicate what I think would be great for both of us, but I can see in his face he doesn't like to be told what to do, like it's turning him off and the sex into a chore. He doesn't like his wife/mother of his children talking dirty or playing with herself. If we get into it and I'm on top he's like easy, don't rip it off. Just ruins the whole thing for me. That's interesting. Was he aggressive in the bedroom before you guys had kids? It sounds like he wants you to be passive.
dazzle22 Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 I was with my first husband 25 years, and he just never got how to please me, even though I made efforts to please him, and tell him what I liked. At one point, he said, "your sexuality is just too difficult", and I totally shut off to him, and just did what he liked. And that became what our marriage was about, what "he liked", in so many ways. Finally, I was tired of doing everything the way he liked. And I mean everything, dressing the way he liked, being the way he liked...he was a conservative prude, and I basically had to hide who I really was, otherwise he was disapproving... My self esteem went into the toilet. And in the end, he even stopped working, to "find himself" while I had to put the bread on the table. I threw in the towel, and when I met my second husband, "fireworks" happened, he liked me the way I am, and surprise, he just knew what to do because he cued in to me, I didn't even have to tell him....so that is my story. Some partners just never get you, or want to get you...sounds like your husband has the classic mother/lover split and he does not want to see you as very sexual in your own right. But there is someone out there who will... as you found out...
angie2443 Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 This thread reminds me of an old episode of Sex in the City in which Samantha was disapointed with her boyfriends small penis. She finally came out and told him his penis was too small (to please her) and he said "well maybe your vagina's too big". She considered it for a minute. If people don't match up sexually, it's no reason to throw around insults at each other. Either work it out or have a grownup discusion and leave.
mem11363 Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 Angie, Great post. I really believe it is ok to say. I am a deeply sexual person. And that doesn't mean I want a vibrator for a holiday gift. It means that to connect with me deeply, in the way that makes husbands and wives unique to each other, you have to connect with me sexually in a way that I feel good about. I really do love you, and I really need to know you love me enough to make the effort to do what I need to feel close to you. So tonight we are going to shower together and then get in bed. And if you love me enough to really do what I need then we are going to begin a whole new, very wonderful part of our marriage. And if not, then we are going to see a MC for a few months and see if we can make this work. And then let him talk. If he doesn't seem inclined to try - maybe it is better to just end it. Trying to fix a broken marriage with an apathetic spouse is an exercise in self torment. Sexually selfish and lazy spouses - regardless of gender - are a special type of lowlife IMO. This thread reminds me of an old episode of Sex in the City in which Samantha was disapointed with her boyfriends small penis. She finally came out and told him his penis was too small (to please her) and he said "well maybe your vagina's too big". She considered it for a minute. If people don't match up sexually, it's no reason to throw around insults at each other. Either work it out or have a grownup discusion and leave.
Untouchable_Fire Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 I was with my first husband 25 years, and he just never got how to please me, even though I made efforts to please him, and tell him what I liked. At one point, he said, "your sexuality is just too difficult", and I totally shut off to him, and just did what he liked. And that became what our marriage was about, what "he liked", in so many ways. That is also a very good point. Sometimes it's easy in the beginning to overlook how demanding a woman is in bed. It is new, so it's fun. Over time it just becomes a chore. If your needs are too out of line, most guys will eventually stop trying so hard.
scorpmale001 Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 wow,wow.... This woman left her H to be with OM,if i remember correctly she lived with him for some time..after OM had enough of her and left her for OW(there are some gay moments in this thread, i don't remember exactly)... now she is back to her H like a sex crazy maniac and with a list of demands(one has to wonder how he is able to accept this woman back).... she never would have been back if the OM is still there(it's all about her and her convenience)....OP why don't you just end this drama..file it now... point that caught my eye is....some time back she expected her OM to be faithful to her....
Enema Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 Have you at any point felt remorse, guilt, or taken responsibility for the affair? So far, from your posts in this thread - it's all your husbands fault.
jennie-jennie Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 I wonder how common it is that both affair partners have been sexually starved in their marriages/relationships. That certainly was the case with me and my MM. Are there any affair partners out there who wanted less sex than their spouses while they were still in love with them?
hopeless4u Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 I wonder how common it is that both affair partners have been sexually starved in their marriages/relationships. That certainly was the case with me and my MM. Are there any affair partners out there who wanted less sex than their spouses while they were still in love with them? My xMM can and always could have sex with his W whenever he wants, it is her that puts the pressure on and has since they were married 24 yrs ago. She even brought it up at MC, she has always said he doesn't want it enough, he just says he can take it or leave it:confused:
White Flower Posted December 11, 2009 Posted December 11, 2009 Have you at any point felt remorse, guilt, or taken responsibility for the affair? So far, from your posts in this thread - it's all your husbands fault. I have not read the OPs other thread and don't know most of her story but I will defend her because 1. It is not for us to decide whether she feels remorse or not. Her husband took her back and that is up to him. 2. If she has problems that led her to an A perhaps there were faults only her H can take. It's not as if someone wakes up one day and says, 'What a lovely day...I think I'll have an affair.' He may very well have been responsible to neglecting her which caused her to find someone who would not neglect her. It isn't that easy, but that is what ultimately happens.
scorpmale001 Posted December 11, 2009 Posted December 11, 2009 (edited) she can ask her H whatever she wants...as long as she is in M and doing what she supposed to do, once it is crossed that line it's no more her call...period. "He may very well have been responsible to neglecting her which caused her to find someone who would not neglect her" if he was ultra caring...then she would have told her story,by these lines My H is a clingy B****** that is why i had an affair...some how it didn't work out,so i am back to my H...then what would you say It isn't that easy, but that is what ultimately happens one more thing, she found out that she has extra sexual drive after being with OM...so that proves she would have had her affair anyways,even if he is clingy A** i would say again he is not a pornstar he is her H damn it. Edited December 11, 2009 by scorpmale001
Author minutebyminute Posted December 11, 2009 Author Posted December 11, 2009 wow,wow.... This woman left her H to be with OM,if i remember correctly she lived with him for some time..after OM had enough of her and left her for OW(there are some gay moments in this thread, i don't remember exactly)... now she is back to her H like a sex crazy maniac and with a list of demands(one has to wonder how he is able to accept this woman back).... she never would have been back if the OM is still there(it's all about her and her convenience)....OP why don't you just end this drama..file it now... point that caught my eye is....some time back she expected her OM to be faithful to her.... Need to re-read my thread, no gay activity, never lived with him. Yes, I wanted the OM to be faithful to me. . . My husband wanted me to work things out with HIM, not the other way around. So much time has been invested, A part of me still feels something is there so we are trying to make a go of it again. I just figured out what was missing in the relationship, good sex.
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