Getting to the root of it: worthlessness

[LisaUk]

So, the last few days I have begun to realise that apart from missing my ex (b/c I love him), what else is causing this depression and the problems I am having moving on from what he has done.

 

I don't know why I haven't figured this out before now, but I was talking with a friend the other day and I just blurted it out. "What is so terrible about me that he would leave me? Why am I so worthless?" The second it was out of my mouth I knew that this is what is at the root of my depression. What is it about me that is so awful that he had to leave me? This is all my fault, it must be, he is a fantastic person, that's why I loved him and I felt honoured that he loved me, so there must be something dreadful about me for him to leave. (That sounds dependant, I don't mean it that way, it also sounds like self serving c**p, I just want to know how I get past this).

 

At my counselling assesment my counsellor told me I have low self esteem. Growing up I was NEVER allowed to make a mistake and if I did I was punished harshly and serverly. I was not allowed to express an emotion that my mother did not approve of, or think I should feel. Now I am living back with her and I walk on egg shells everyday, I can do no right, yet I MUST try constantly to do no wrong.

 

I am addressing this, I am waiting on thearpy but in the meantime I have been given a CBT book to try and tackle my low se myself. I'm working through it, but in the mean time I am falling apart, I have never been this low, life feels hopeless.

 

How can I have been so stupid, so bad that he would do this? Why I am so worthless? How do I get through this, how do I stop blaming myself, or maybe I should be, maybe he had to leave, maybe I am just not worth working anything out for, maybe I am just uselss and worthless just like he said I was when he left.

[hopesndreams]

"What is so terrible about me that he would leave me? Why am I so worthless?"

 

Lisa, lisa, lisa dear LS friend...how often do you have these thoughts? Do they rule your world 24 hrs a day? How the hey can you manage law school?

 

You must have good thoughts at times, yes? Otherwise, you would be stuck in your room at abusive moms house.

 

Give yourself some credit, ok? He is not worth it! There are decent guys out there, they aren't all going at it like rabbits. When you are in a place of acceptance and happy within yourself, you will zero in on them. Stop fixating on a man that has been so horrible and cruel and thinking the light shines out of his backside.

[obscure]

Lisa, you aren't worthless. You were left by someone that you loved dearly and that you thought loved you just as much. It hurts so bad and our first reaction is to look to ourselves and wonder what is wrong with us that makes the other person not desire us anymore. I realize that I made a post a while back that made it seem as if I had solved all of my problems by taking my spouse off of her pedestal. But all of my problems aren't solved. I still feel hurt, angry, resentful, ugly, and useless. But then I look around at what I still have and hang on to it tight with resolve, grit my teeth, swallow hard and bull my way through it. Even though this doesn't necessarily solve everything, it does put issues to rest a little at at time. Also, it also helps for me to think to myself that the person that I want back so badly is also the person that was a horribly selfish, lying, cold, immature person and why would I want that piece of trash back?

 

I wish I knew what advice to give about the situation with your mother, however. Is there any way you can afford to move out? I am not sure what your income level is or if you might be able to qualify for some sort of government subsidized housing, but that may be another option.

 

Another thing to remember is that it is the holiday season and Christmas always stirs up these emotions, at least it does for me. I have been down the last two days and I know it is because I realize that there will be a huge difference in my kids' and my lives simply because one member of the family is missing. So just try and hang on until after the holidays and to keep reaching out as often as you need. There are some very helpful, caring folks here ready to lend support and they do care what happens to you.

 

You will do fine, this is just a rough patch in life and it will smooth itself out before you know it.

[soheartbroken]

I try hard to distinguish between my behaviour in the relationship and my worth as a person.

 

While my behaviour sucked a lot of the time, to say the least, I am still a loving, caring, highly loyal and trustworthy person.

 

While I do have regrets about my behaviour, and therefore blame myself quite a bit, I try to remember that this does not make me who I am. I need to work on bringing out my true self.

[2.50 a gallon]

Lisa

 

I wish I could help you more. My problem was the opposite, I was way too cocky. When others tried to put me down, or in my place, my immediate reaction was always, I'm the best. I don't know where this self confidence came from. Part of it might be a guy thing. Maybe I had too much testerone.

 

What I can tell you is you are not alone. I have know lots of women, whom you would think would be full of confidence, but once you got to know them you would find them to be the total opposite. In my college and dating days, I quite often found that some of the most beautiful and sexy women, thought that they were plain Janes, if not down right ugly. One girl I was close to was president of her sorority, homecoming queen of a junior college, was carrying a GPA of just below 4.00, actually believed that she was a failure and found it hard to look at herself in the mirror. She found fault with almost everyone of her features. It was not a case of her seeking perfection, she actually believed that she was ugly.

 

When you start to get down on yourself, take a LS reminder pill. You are one of the wisest posters on LS, on a par with Gunny and Tojaz. Your words have soothed the soul and provided valuable guidance to a great many on LS.

 

Valuable, not worthless

 

Your friend Gallon

[nobmagnet]

Lisa honey,

 

I had the same issues earlier this year. My self worth disolved and I thight I was rubbish. Rubbish in every scense. I worked through a book called "overcoming self esteam" it was awful working through it but eventually I realised I was not rubbish I am human. I had to focus on what I thought about myself and why. Then I had to try to change my oppion to a positive one. Not easy but eventually I realised I had allowed my ex to critisise me subtly for many years and it had eaten me away. WhenI realised this..................it turned me arround. I am a good, caring,giving,funloving person who lost her way.

 

My mother is controlling to. She made and still trys to control me. I smile and say "oh good suggestion" and the do as I please.............I am 39 for chrissake!! hahaha

 

you are lovely. We can all see it. You will see it soon xxxxxxhugs

[trippi1432]

Hi Lisa,

 

I think I've told you before, living back at home is the worst experience, especially with a mother like that. I actually love and respect my mother even though I didn't agree with a lot of things she did growing up...I learned forgiveness for her because life taught me that she didn't have it easy either. She made a lot of sacrifices that I didn't see as a child and she held onto some resentment due to that. It was easy to blame her for a long time....but not conducive to my own healing as an adult.

 

I can tell you from experience, every time you walk back in that house from your classes...etc, you revert to that child again...the one that has to be perfect, coupled with a bad breakup (as I was too living back at home), the depression is multiplied. Add a child to that mix, and it's quadrupled because you will never do anything right in "Mom's" eyes, not your situation of course...but just some insight on where you might be a little luckier than others.

 

My own daughter has moved back home now and I am doing everything in my power not to be like my mother was when I was in that situation. Just to give you some insight on that, my daughter never had to flinch and put her head thru a window to escape a backslap, she never had her head beat in the floor and she was never told that she wouldn't amount to anything and was the problems in my life. What you have been through and going through now are hard lessons in life, but eventually will make you a stronger person. Right now, you have no independence except for school, that is what you have to build on at the moment and know that once you are able to get out from under Mom's roof, your strength of character WILL emerge and you will be blowing them all away.

[LisaUk]

Thank you to everyone who has posted, all of your support means so much, it always does, but particualrly so at this time, with what should have been my wedding day one week away.

 

"What is so terrible about me that he would leave me? Why am I so worthless?"

 

Lisa, lisa, lisa dear LS friend...how often do you have these thoughts? Do they rule your world 24 hrs a day? How the hey can you manage law school?

 

You must have good thoughts at times, yes? Otherwise, you would be stuck in your room at abusive moms house.

 

Give yourself some credit, ok? He is not worth it! There are decent guys out there, they aren't all going at it like rabbits. When you are in a place of acceptance and happy within yourself, you will zero in on them. Stop fixating on a man that has been so horrible and cruel and thinking the light shines out of his backside.

 

H&D, unfortuneately these thoughts do dominate my every thought. That's the problem I think. That is actually how I do get through law school, it is the constant self criticism that drives me, the need to be perfect that pushes me to my limits. Do you see? BUT, it isn't a healthy way to live. The book I have been given to read by the counsellor (same one as you NM, thanks!), says that if you focus on the self critical thoughts to drive you then you miss out on the positive things you are doing right to gain achievment.

 

It's a massive issue, that goes deep I think to my upbringinging. This isn't a new thing just realted to my ex. It's rather that I feel worthless not b/c of what my ex has done as such, but b/c I have this underlying problem. I think I am finding it tough still to get over my ex and not take the blame for him doing this to me, b/c I have this underlying issue. What I am trying to say, is that if I didn't have this low SE issue, then maybe I would be able to except that what my ex did was not my fault and not a reflection of me as a person, that I deserved it or was terrible to be with somehow. What he has done, however has not only resulted in self blame on my part, but also has contributed to the low SE itself.

 

There is only one way through this and only one way to move on from my ex and put what HE DID TO ME firmly behind me and that is to deal with the low SE issue once and for all.

Lisa honey,

 

I had the same issues earlier this year. My self worth disolved and I thight I was rubbish. Rubbish in every scense. I worked through a book called "overcoming self esteam" it was awful working through it but eventually I realised I was not rubbish I am human. I had to focus on what I thought about myself and why. Then I had to try to change my oppion to a positive one. Not easy but eventually I realised I had allowed my ex to critisise me subtly for many years and it had eaten me away. WhenI realised this..................it turned me arround. I am a good, caring,giving,funloving person who lost her way.

 

My mother is controlling to. She made and still trys to control me. I smile and say "oh good suggestion" and the do as I please.............I am 39 for chrissake!! hahaha

 

you are lovely. We can all see it. You will see it soon xxxxxxhugs

[Boundary Problem]

to deal with the low SE issue once and for all.

 

 

Sounds like you have reached the heart of the issue.

 

Good for you for having the courage to look within.

 

I think in life sometimes we are afraid of who we really are. But there is nothing to fear within us. There is nothing wrong with us.

 

Once you have the SE issue under control I suspect your life is going to feel very very different. I wish you happiness and contentment.

[sumdude]

Hang in there Lisa you're a living breathing human being who has the right to feel good about yourself.

 

You have the right to give yourself a break when you're not 100%.

You have the right to make mistakes and learn from them.

You have the right to blame others besides yourself when things go wrong.

You have the right to forgive yourself.

You have the right to tell people not to do things that hurt you.

 

 

The self esteem blow that comes from being rejected by the one person you thought wanted you can be so deep. Especially if you have some esteem issues anyway and being in your environment right now can't be helping.

 

Stay strong and try not to let your internal critics win the arguments!! Tell to shut up and go to he** 'cause you're not taking thier cr** anymore!!

[LisaUk]

Sounds like you have reached the heart of the issue.

 

Good for you for having the courage to look within.

 

I think in life sometimes we are afraid of who we really are. But there is nothing to fear within us. There is nothing wrong with us.

 

Once you have the SE issue under control I suspect your life is going to feel very very different. I wish you happiness and contentment.

 

Thank you. Do you know, this is how bad my problem is, when I read your post my first thought was he left me b/c I have low SE therefore I must have been a nightmare to be with. I'm guessing this isn't what you meant! I am going to get a handle on this.

 

Hang in there Lisa you're a living breathing human being who has the right to feel good about yourself.

 

You have the right to give yourself a break when you're not 100%.

You have the right to make mistakes and learn from them.

You have the right to blame others besides yourself when things go wrong.

You have the right to forgive yourself.

You have the right to tell people not to do things that hurt you.

 

 

The self esteem blow that comes from being rejected by the one person you thought wanted you can be so deep. Especially if you have some esteem issues anyway and being in your environment right now can't be helping.

 

Stay strong and try not to let your internal critics win the arguments!! Tell to shut up and go to he** 'cause you're not taking thier cr** anymore!!

 

Thanks, no one has ever told me any of those things before, by that I mean the opposite messages have been given to me my whole life,

You must be perfect, it is not acceptable to make a mistake.

You must not feel any emotion in response to something which I (my mother) think is unreasonable

 

My mum said that I was to blame for her having a heart attack, b/c I was an ungrateful demanding child who mput too much pressure on her and so I caused it.

 

When I returned form the counsellor with the book "why has she given you a book on low SE, you don't have low SE. Oh, but then again, you are a bit pathetic aren't you".

 

I almost don't belive that other people belive your statements, are those things really my rights? I know they are, I just have to beleive it.

 

Thank you.

[Boundary Problem]

I meant that within us is a world that we have to acquaint ourselves with. And I didn't get to know myself until I was about 35. Before that I ran on auto-pilot (conscious, but involuntary behaviours).

 

I think growing up we are taught self-hatred and to fear our own natural behaviours.

 

So I love the fact that you are looking within and getting to know yourself. All I meant is that there is nothing to fear within you. There is nothing wrong with you. There is nothing 'terrible' or 'pathetic' within you that you are going to find. You are only going to find goodness. I truly believe that.

 

The worst critics (our parents) - often suffer from their own self-esteem issues. Anyone who calls you 'pathetic' is really just trying to make themselves feel better and has absolutely nothing actually to do with you.

 

The worst critics (our parents) are actually weak people, because they can't feel good about themselves, unless they are putting someone else down. It is all about them - and their fragile reality. And unfortunately you just happened to be standing in front of her - so you got it.

 

((hugs))

[curiou]

LisaUK,

 

In reply to your question on soheartbroken's thread (I didn't realize I was taking up so much of that threat with our discussions about grieving), some people think a combined MD/JD is a good combination for forensic medicine, medical administration, and medical malpractice law. I'm not sure the extra years are worth it for what many perceive to be very little gain. My friend, who has an MD/JD, practices medicine only. even the law advice he doles out to me, I could look up on the internet most of the time. More advanced questions get the "I'm not sure about that" answer. Law, like medicine, takes quite a bit of real-world experience after school for a person to become a real practitioner.

 

I'm sorry about your self-esteem. Hope you feel better soon.

[tojaz]

Thanks, no one has ever told me any of those things before, by that I mean the opposite messages have been given to me my whole life,

You must be perfect, it is not acceptable to make a mistake.

You must not feel any emotion in response to something which I (my mother) think is unreasonable

 

My mum said that I was to blame for her having a heart attack, b/c I was an ungrateful demanding child who mput too much pressure on her and so I caused it.

 

When I returned form the counsellor with the book "why has she given you a book on low SE, you don't have low SE. Oh, but then again, you are a bit pathetic aren't you".

 

I almost don't belive that other people belive your statements, are those things really my rights? I know they are, I just have to beleive it.

 

Thank you.

You have the right to give yourself a break when you're not 100%.

You have the right to make mistakes and learn from them.

You have the right to blame others besides yourself when things go wrong.

You have the right to forgive yourself.

You have the right to tell people not to do things that hurt you.

 

 

Of course they are your right Lis. Especialy blaming others besides yourself when things go wrong! The worst part of hearing you say these things isn't so much how other people treat you, which in some cases has been awful. It's how you treat yourself in having to ask if you have these rights. You have the right to decide how you will be treated and to have any emotion you want.

TOJAZ

[trippi1432]

You have the right to give yourself a break when you're not 100%. (success and security - internal)

You have the right to make mistakes and learn from them. (absolutely - that is a measure of success)

You have the right to blame others besides yourself when things go wrong. (if you are looking at it objectively, you can't control how others make you feel, you can only control your reaction to it)

You have the right to forgive yourself. (absolutely - another measure of success)

You have the right to tell people not to do things that hurt you. (100% - if they don't respect that, they aren't worth it)

 

 

Of course they are your right Lis. Especialy blaming others besides yourself when things go wrong! The worst part of hearing you say these things isn't so much how other people treat you, which in some cases has been awful. It's how you treat yourself in having to ask if you have these rights. You have the right to decide how you will be treated and to have any emotion you want.

TOJAZ

 

A lot of truth in that.

[Gunny376]

Whatever you think? You belive! Whatever you belive? You are.

 

Simple enough equation ~ right?

 

Oh yea! You are worthless, very worthless! Because you believe yourself to be so.

 

A worthless person that has a university degree in England. Hate to tell it to you, but if you were worthless? They wouldn't even have let you into university!

 

If you were a worthless person? They wouldn't have even let you in to law school, "Look at her! She's worthless!"

 

If you were worthless? You wouldn't have made it eighteen years with "him"

Buy yourself a plane ticket across the 'pond' and you'll have more men after you than a pack of hungry dogs after a three legged sick cat!

 

The problem is here ~ is that you've made his issues and your Mom;s issues your issues!

That is to say, by association ~ you've made their problems ~ your problems ~ when they're not!

 

You're making the common misconception that any and all men are attracted to Playboy bunnies? And that would have once been true in my 19 year old youth.

 

But now? I'm more interested in the truth that comes out of her mouth, her perspective, and her attitude about Life than anything else.

 

An educated mind ~ gets mine!

 

They're problems and issues are THEY'RE problems and issues.

 

Mom's scared to death that you're going to achieve and do so much more than she ever dreamed of doing and accomplishing!

 

He's got commitment issues. With you or Alice in Wonderland.

 

Don't make others's problems and issues ~ YOURS!

[LisaUk]

LisaUK,

 

In reply to your question on soheartbroken's thread (I didn't realize I was taking up so much of that threat with our discussions about grieving), some people think a combined MD/JD is a good combination for forensic medicine, medical administration, and medical malpractice law. I'm not sure the extra years are worth it for what many perceive to be very little gain. My friend, who has an MD/JD, practices medicine only. even the law advice he doles out to me, I could look up on the internet most of the time. More advanced questions get the "I'm not sure about that" answer. Law, like medicine, takes quite a bit of real-world experience after school for a person to become a real practitioner.

 

I'm sorry about your self-esteem. Hope you feel better soon.

 

I see Curiou, that makes sense, to be a tort lawyer specailising in medical negligence I can see how it would be helpful to have a medical background. I guess those lawyers who don't, relie on medical experts for the info when addressing breach of duty. You can get the basics form the internet, but negligence appears relatively simple at first glance, but is actually very complicated. We spend all but 3 weeks studying just negligence on my degree. (The other 3 weeks we cover tresspass to the person, which interrealtes, harresment and defermation.)

 

You have the right to give yourself a break when you're not 100%.

You have the right to make mistakes and learn from them.

You have the right to blame others besides yourself when things go wrong.

You have the right to forgive yourself.

You have the right to tell people not to do things that hurt you.

 

 

Of course they are your right Lis. Especialy blaming others besides yourself when things go wrong! The worst part of hearing you say these things isn't so much how other people treat you, which in some cases has been awful. It's how you treat yourself in having to ask if you have these rights. You have the right to decide how you will be treated and to have any emotion you want.

TOJAZ

 

Hi Tojaz, you're right, in asking I'm actually asking if it is OK with everyone else that I have these rights? B/c I don't want to have a feeling or an opinion that isn't OK with everyone else, don't want to upset anyone, have to be perfect. I'm so screwed up. Worthlessness and not being good enough they are at the root of this.

[tojaz]

Hi Tojaz, you're right, in asking I'm actually asking if it is OK with everyone else that I have these rights? B/c I don't want to have a feeling or an opinion that isn't OK with everyone else, don't want to upset anyone, have to be perfect. I'm so screwed up. Worthlessness and not being good enough they are at the root of this.

 

Its not up for anyone else to decide! They are rights, afforded to everyone. Your feelings and opinions are not subject to anyone elses approval. Lis, thats what living for yourself is about. If you live to please others, be perfect, then you can never be happy, because you are always on the job. Express your feelings and opinions and when you have someone who can accept and respect them, although not necessarily sharing them, then you have found something real.

TOJAZ

[dgiirl]

My mum said that I was to blame for her having a heart attack, b/c I was an ungrateful demanding child who mput too much pressure on her and so I caused it.

 

Sheesh, Lisa, that's a horrible thing to hear from your own mom! And she is WRONG to say that to you!

 

Instead of internalizing her hateful words, ask yourself if this is something you would say to someone else? Would you say this to your own child? I cannot fathom you would. If it seems a horrible thing for you to say to someone else, then it is a horrible thing for you to receive, which indicates a problem with your mother instead of you. Do you know why she is so hateful? What life experiences has she gone through that has made her so angry? Are your parents still together? How did your grandmother treat your mother? If you can look at your mother objectively, you might see reasons why she is the way she is, and that might help you not project her hateful words internally.

 

I would love to see the day when you stand up to your mother. Perhaps the day you move out, you tell her that you will no longer be mistreated. Tell her that you love her, but if she wants a relationship with you, she has to treat you with respect. And correct her every time she mistreats you. You do not have to put up with toxic people in your life. You deserve more.

[LisaUk]

Hi Dgirl

 

I know it's not my fault, the whole concept of it is ridiculous, so I do not blame myself, is an illistration of what I have to hear though and what I have had growing up. It's the other things, the more suble things that have eaten away at my self esteem over the years and have made me the self critical person I am.

 

I know why my mum is like this also, long story, but lets just say I do not know any of her side of the family, we do not see them, I have never meet any of them. She had a terrible childhood. Understanding it doesn't make it any easier to deal with though when it has been so ingrained into my personality, if that makes sense?

 

I will never stand up to her, I tried once a few years back when I was with my ex, she didn't speak to me for 4 months. My ex told me to cut all contact permantely, all I can say is thank goodness I didn't, otherwise due to my ex I would be homeless now! Life with my mum is hard, but I do still apprecaite her taking me in.

 

It's just now, starting to make sense to me how much me baming myself for my ex's actions is down to this internal issue I have. If I am ever going to get him out of my system, the only way for that to happen is for me to address this self blame.

[PWSX3]

Hi Dgirl

 

I know it's not my fault, the whole concept of it is ridiculous, so I do not blame myself, is an illistration of what I have to hear though and what I have had growing up. It's the other things, the more suble things that have eaten away at my self esteem over the years and have made me the self critical person I am.

I know you are very busy & trying to get in some quit time is hard but I would like to suggest you read Boundaries by Henry Cloud, I think it would really shed some light on your life for you...

I know why my mum is like this also, long story, but lets just say I do not know any of her side of the family, we do not see them, I have never meet any of them. She had a terrible childhood. Understanding it doesn't make it any easier to deal with though when it has been so ingrained into my personality, if that makes sense?

 

I will never stand up to her, I tried once a few years back when I was with my ex, she didn't speak to me for 4 months. My ex told me to cut all contact permantely, all I can say is thank goodness I didn't, otherwise due to my ex I would be homeless now! Life with my mum is hard, but I do still apprecaite her taking me in.

I would have to disagree with you here, how do you know what would happen? Do you have a crystal ball???? Maybe by not talking to her she might hit bottom & decide it's better to figure out why she is like she is then to lose her daughter...If you stood up to her maybe something else would have happened, we just don't know but you can't hide from it forever. My G/F was also abused by her mom & now that she has passed away she wishes she would have stood up to her just once, to help her self esteem that she is struggling with now. She was never good enough in her mom's eyes, anytime she would do something her mom would either do it over or tell her it wasn't good enough. These types of things will haunt you for a long time unless you work them out. I really do believe by facing those battles it will help you grieve the loss of your marriage, the loss of what you thought a marriage should look like......

[dgiirl]

I know it's not my fault, the whole concept of it is ridiculous, so I do not blame myself, is an illistration of what I have to hear though and what I have had growing up. It's the other things, the more suble things that have eaten away at my self esteem over the years and have made me the self critical person I am.

 

But it certainly stems from your childhood! The voice inside your head, the one that beats you up and says you must be perfect, whose voice is it? For me, it was my exh. It took a while for me to get it out of my head.

 

I will never stand up to her, I tried once a few years back when I was with my ex, she didn't speak to me for 4 months. My ex told me to cut all contact permantely, all I can say is thank goodness I didn't, otherwise due to my ex I would be homeless now! Life with my mum is hard, but I do still apprecaite her taking me in.

 

Cutting all contact is definitely a hard decision, and maybe not the best choice, if you still want a relationship with your mom. But I do think it's important for you to set boundaries. Maybe if you talked to her when the two of you are calm and you explain to her that you do not appreciate the way she talks to you? I know showing emotion seems to make her ridicule you, but you are much older now to be able to stand up to that. After a few times of you correcting her, perhaps it will sink in?

 

My mom and I have difficulties getting along too. I do love her, but we definitely don't get along. We both have SE issues, but she's very demanding and clingy with her attention, and everything has to go her way, otherwise I'm a horrible child. I've received plenty of emails from her describing how horrible of a child I am. Talking to her simply did not work. Trying to adapt to what she wanted did not work, just made her more demanding. Ignoring her demands would make her retaliate by emailing both me and my exh her tantrums. I found it extremely embarrassing to be in my late 20's, early 30's and being scolded by my mother in front of my husband who also believed my mom was being completely irrational. I had to learn to just delete her emails whenever she sent them and not respond. It took maybe a year or two before they stopped coming, plus developing an attitude of "I don't give a sh*t". It's tough tho.

[LisaUk]

It definately stems from my childhood Dgirl, but I think it has a lot to do with why I allowed my ex to treat me the way he did and also why I have blamed myself for him walking when really I am not to blame for him being unable to put anyone elses feelings before his own and for his decision to end an 18 year realtionship without giving me a second thought. At least he admitted he hadn't considered my feelings and also that he couldn't be bothered to work on anything with me, after 18 years I deserved better than that. To be led to belive through his lies that he was happy, led to the point of setting the date to marry and then just dumped, how exactly is that my fault? I had no idea he was unhappy, he even said he kept it well hidden! Besides, I still don't think he was unhappy, not really, I think he just found justifications to leave b/c he is CP. Either that, or I am beginning to wonder if he did have an affair after all? Things are coming back to me.

[LisaUk]

Someone talk some d**m sense into me, I keep getting the urge to contact him to ask if he would try and reconcile, what is wrong with me? He's only going to hurt me again by saying "it ws the right decision", how can he not care? How can he not be bothered by this? I can't imagine ever loving someone else the way I love him, the thoughts of being without him for the rest of my life are slowly killing me.

[tojaz]

Lis, you deserve so much better then him though you just posted that you suspect he may have cheated! I know your just a ball of emotions right now, but you have to be strong, you can make it through this!

TOJAZ