InLoKo Posted January 6, 2004 Posted January 6, 2004 Originally posted by lovehurts He is treating you very unfairly... do you really want someone like that in your life?! I don't know how you can say he has been unfair. This is what he requested: "he said he needed time and space to think and figure things out. He said he does not love me as much anymore because of the argument that we had but would admit that sometimes he misses me. He said we need time out to figure out our mistakes." That seems fair enough to me. The fact that he hasn't been given time and space is the unfair part, IMHO.
lovehurts Posted January 6, 2004 Posted January 6, 2004 I wasnt aware that he had asked for time to sort out his feelings. So instead of using the word unfair I guess I could change it to disrespectful. Sure, she may have disrespected his wishes for some time to think things through. But Im sure Id handle the sense of panic, anger and sadness in the same way. She wants to know where she stands. Guys tend to run away from their feelings/problems and usually all they have to do is answer a simple question like "Do you want to be with me anymore?". To give us closure, you know? Greentea - I hope you feel better. If you decide that you need to get closure and move on with your life. Do what you have to do...
NatoPMT Posted January 6, 2004 Posted January 6, 2004 hi greentea - you HAVE to respect the request for space, but if you cant and that leads to the total breakdown of communications, thats part of you and who you are and why someone should love you, and if he doesnt love you exactly as you are, you arent compatible. the needing some space comes up SO often its scarey, and historically, the posters that get the 2nd chances seem more likely to get the chances after they have started to move on and the ex then develops more respect for that person. if you do have to have contact, dont ask questions you may not want to hear the answer to at this stage, he doesnt know the answer, he wants things to slow down, so the hand you are forcing will come back and slap you. let him know you are thinking of him but dont expect anything back, because it just doesnt sound like youll get anything back right now. the dont rush things comment was an indication that if you tak ethings easy theres a possibility - a chink - of hope. dont give him ultimatums or show how much you feel you need him, change the gear and tell him you are there for him if he needs to talk, or that you hope that his day went well and you are thinking of him. tak ethe pressure off him. i tried this tactic - it SO nearly worked, but my impatience and frustration got the better of me. i dont want to give you false hope, but if its something you gotta do, you gotta do it.
Author greentea Posted January 6, 2004 Author Posted January 6, 2004 BigBelm: If i send him text messages to tell him that I am here if he needs to talk and that I hope his day went well etc.... i would be breaking the rule of NO CONTACTING thing. Do you think I need to send him this? And when someone asks for space, does it also mean NO COMMUNICATION at all? Everybody seems to be saying that the person who asked for space should be the one to initiate the communication, if ever. The person who has been asked the space should just stay put and do nothing? Is this right?
NatoPMT Posted January 6, 2004 Posted January 6, 2004 leave some time for you to have space to decide if you still want to be with him - at the moment nothing seems right and you have been cornered into these feelings by loss and seperation. get yourself on an more even keel before you decide what to do, the only way you can do that is with time. give yourself some space to breath before you do anything. think of whats right for you, and constant rejection cant be right for you. dont break the no contact rule, but as you have been breaking all the rules, bear that in mind for moments of weakness. you have to think of healing and recovery first, and the only way to do that is no contact. are you strong enough to not contact him?
Author greentea Posted January 6, 2004 Author Posted January 6, 2004 I have been successful with the NO CONTACTING thing for a while. The longest I have controlled myself is two weeks that is during the entire holiday season. I will try my best to that again with baby steps.
NatoPMT Posted January 6, 2004 Posted January 6, 2004 good girl. its the quickest most painless route to getting through this. without question.
werty Posted January 6, 2004 Posted January 6, 2004 "break-up & no contact rule" = does this still apply even after the other party,the one initiated this told you that theres no future for us anymore? that she will never go back to this? and cant promise friendship? in short, just wana forget me? ive been succesfull of a 1week no contact, so far i dont feel any difference kindly help me.. ive post my situation somewhere on this board tooo....
Author greentea Posted January 7, 2004 Author Posted January 7, 2004 I was looking at our pictures saved in my computer early this morning.... gosh, i really miss this guy a lot. I want him back so badly.
werty Posted January 7, 2004 Posted January 7, 2004 just pray that HE will give us the best...........
calithin83 Posted January 7, 2004 Posted January 7, 2004 Hi...i cant relate to how u feel cos ive been with my bf for 3 years and even when hes been distant with me i cant help but call him and message him and just try to see him so we can talk and things can be back to normal... but one thing ive learned is that it doesnt really help.. u have to show that ure independent and that YOU CAN live without him, even if you have to fake it for a while..just try...everntually you will feel better -maybe it will take months..or more but u gotta be strong REGARDLESS!!! i know ure most likely in love and attached and hes the only one u seem to have at the moment and thats why ure so scared of losing him and also of breaking up cos u think that he might use that breakup as use of hooking up with another girl but right now u need to stop thinking about him..stop revolving ureself and ure mind on him..cos if u keep doing this u will just keep feeling inferior and depressed..and u shouldnt!! Just give it time..stop calling him...every time u get the itch to call..go out...exercise..take a shower..or read something motivational..anything that can help u from not calling!!! Its always hard to do this at the beginning..cos ure so used to hearing his voice and stuff..but if he sees that ure always bugging hes gonna be even more retarded then what hes being.....just think about ureself...how can u make ureself better? things that help me are reading the book "why men love bitches" and exercising even when i feel too low to get out of bed...and praying and repeating to myself that im worth it..and that no man should make me cry!!! if u need anything feel free to IM me at calithin83..Goodluck!
Author greentea Posted January 8, 2004 Author Posted January 8, 2004 It's been two months now and I am kinda losing hope. When someone asks for a space, does it really take this long? I mean, he never initiated contact with me during these two months. After a 4 year relationship, how is he able to just push me out of his mind when obviously, I can't get over him - I think of him the first thing in the morning when I wake up and he is the last thing on my mind before I go to sleep - he is even in my dreams sometimes! I'm being weak again. Almost everyone in this forum that has been asked SPACE (girl), have been in contact with the one who asked for the space (guy)- usually, the guying initiating the contact (being civil and friendly). Why can't he just tell me what is instore for "us"? I don't know when he is coming back and I don't know when he's gonna talk to me. This is killing me.
calithin83 Posted January 8, 2004 Posted January 8, 2004 you know what..guys can be real stupid sometimes, maybe u need to stop hoping for his call, and just really do ure best to move on! i know how hard that is..ive been with my bf for 3 years and sometimes i wonder why hes such an ass with me...and i guess ure lucky cos atleast its better to not have contact.cos why have contact with soemone who just doenst care as much anymore? I know its hard cos u were with him such a long time..its weird how u think u know someone completely and all of a sudden is as if u never really knew them....just try ure best to do other things then think about him, and when u do block out all the good things he did and concentrate on how hes being so indifferent, do u really think u deserve this??NO I DONT THINK SO!!! just pretend a friend is going through this, what would u tell her? Guys can be such idiots sometimes, and i know how hard it is to be strong, but soemtimes u just gotta force ureslef to be...u gotta try to be happy..no matter what, think about you, only you..and try meeting new people who will appreciate u!
Skittles Posted January 8, 2004 Posted January 8, 2004 It's been two months now and I am kinda losing hope. When someone asks for a space, does it really take this long? I mean, he never initiated contact with me during these two months. After a 4 year relationship, how is he able to just push me out of his mind when obviously, I can't get over him - I think of him the first thing in the morning when I wake up and he is the last thing on my mind before I go to sleep - he is even in my dreams sometimes! Hey Greentea I once dated this guy I was crazy for. He was it!...then out of nowhere he says "I need space"...wanted a summer to think about his ex who treated him like cr*p....duh!? So heartbroken, of course I gave him the space he needed....I did not call him, or make any contact whatsoever...I just used that time to work myself up into a nice frothy lather... ..oooh I was so twisted, that by the time he did call me 3 months later with..."Hey girl, I missed you, did ya miss me?"..I said "Who is this"...and proceeded to blow him off... During that summer without him I learned how to ride a horse, and worked off alot of steam mucking stalls....plus I had a nice summer fling who took my mind of "space man"... I know you are hurting, feel abandoned, panicked, and a little out of control right now...I am just hoping you get to feeling pissed off, because once you get there, you'll be out of the woods ......... With or without him....you are going to be OK....
Author greentea Posted January 8, 2004 Author Posted January 8, 2004 calith83, thank you for replying. You know that is exactly what I want to do. I've read every self-help book about surviving break ups (even when ours is not even an official breakup). After reading them, I would feel better for about an hour and then I would find myself lurking and feeling so sorry and my sense of panic starts coming back again. My case is hopeless. People might get tired of reading my posts because you've told me everything I should do already (excellent advices i should say), and yet I don't seem to be doing any better. I still feel the sense of panic, I still feel lonely and depressed, I still want him back in spite of what he did to me, I still love him a lot!.... I can't get over it! Because of what he did and is doing, I feel I am now a broken person.
Author greentea Posted January 8, 2004 Author Posted January 8, 2004 Skittles, thanks for sharing me your experience. I really want to be feel ANGER, but somehow I am not capable of being angry. I don't know how to get mad at him. Even if he treats me now with so much disrespect ( i think), I just cant learn to feel ANGRY at him. That is probably the first step for me (if only I can build anger). I am continuing to NOT CONTACT him, but in my silence of not being able to tell him how I really feel for him, I am like a bomb that is about to explode. All the hurt is inside me. After two months, I still feel the same.
calithin83 Posted January 8, 2004 Posted January 8, 2004 Gosh greentea, i feel really bad cos i can feel ure panic and desperation, i feel that way with my bf right now, i wanna let go but everytime i try to keep no contact all of a sudden im feeling ok but then i hit the down point! its really REALLY tough, its not an easy thing,....it soemtimes takes more then expected..it took my sis to get over her first love a whole year...but she did it!! Now when i talk to her she tells me how happy she is and she has a wonderful bf that treats her right, she went through alot of pain cos i saw her crying almost every night and she went from 150llbs to like 115...but now shes better then ever..... You just gotta find that strength in you, i know people can tell u what to do, but its only up to you to make the change!! everytime u start thinking about him, just try blocking it out, or hit your pillow...as hard as u can, sometimes even scream to him how much u love him yet how much u wont love him in a few months cos of his dumbness.... Girl, trust me i know its a hard thing..but i know u can get over this...it will take time and it will take ure perseverance..but i know u will and when u do u willbe a changed woman, a better, smarter, and stronger women!!! If anythuing Im me at my s/n calithin83-AIM
calithin83 Posted January 8, 2004 Posted January 8, 2004 not scream to him personally, but to a pillow or something he gave u....release it!!!!!!!!! hes acting like a jerk whethere u wanna believe it or not!!!!!!! and u dont deserve this!
InLoKo Posted January 8, 2004 Posted January 8, 2004 Originally posted by greentea but in my silence of not being able to tell him how I really feel for him, He KNOWS how you really feel for him. You've told him many, many times. Your silence is telling him you are a strong, independent woman.
Author greentea Posted January 8, 2004 Author Posted January 8, 2004 calithin83, i know he is a jerk becuase of what he is doing - not facing the problem and asking SPACE so suddenly, he didnt even try to talk to me first before going into this space. It's like the night before, he said I love you and the next morning he said, we needed space. Maybe I just can't accept it thats why its taking me forever to move on.
calithin83 Posted January 8, 2004 Posted January 8, 2004 Yes and you need to accept it first, stop denying the truth, and that I love you, are just words, its so easy for him to say i love you and then ignore you, when someone loves you they prove it to you, the dont let you be sad, they wanna be with you adn they wanna make u happy, sometimes we just love someone so much that we think that when they say they love us too its true, but..its not...it sux alot!! it does!!! cos sometimes loving someone so much blinds us in seeing just the good or something that we believe to be true....i know u shared alot with him....GOSH...ive shared a grip with my bf, hes my first love...btu every night i pray to god to take these stupid blinds of my eyes and to see the truth, to love myself, and not love soemone who doesnt lvoe me, to lvoe the importabnt people in my life....like my mom and my dad..... cos by thinking so much about him it just loses ureself, and loses important people in ure life that u dont seem to notice that they truly love you.... ITS hard...u gotta keep ureself busy too...like me..im going to the gym, even if i feel like ****..but i push myself..cos i know that if i stay home ill only feel more urge to call him and to do stuff with him, but by keeping myself busy and seeing alot of peple at the gym it motivates me to move on, and to be strong...there are so many people out there and i have faith that there is a real great guy for everyone...but if we stay stuck on losers then we will never be able to give ourselves that new opportunity!
calithin83 Posted January 8, 2004 Posted January 8, 2004 its weird cos i still feel sometimes that my bf isnt that bad..and well he may not be a bad person but...if he doesnt treat me right and doesnt love me then hes not for me, and i must concentrate all my energy on myself then giving it to someone who barely appreciates it..... if my bf doesnt show me that he loves me in a few weeks i am determined to cut it loose...cos i know that im worthy, and i know that any other guy would love to have a sweet, caring, adorable girl like me..and u gottathink the same about ureself cos u soudn relaly caring and sweet.....not a slutty whore who just wants money and game
Author greentea Posted January 8, 2004 Author Posted January 8, 2004 InLoko, I guess there are some things that really bother me 1) How can he just push me out of his mind and not care about me so suddenly? 2) I dont know when he's coming back. 3) I dont know if he still wants to fix the relationship just like he told me 6 weeks ago. (i have clues that maybe he still wants to like when he said "please dont rush" and when I texted him and told him if he wants me out of his life, to just let me know and I'll let him go - he did not reply. That was his opportunity to tell me if he really wants me out. I feel I am just interpreting too much and maybe I am thinking wrong. But with no definite words from him, its as if my only clues are those that should be read in between the lines. 4)im scared of losing him.
calithin83 Posted January 8, 2004 Posted January 8, 2004 Ok green tea for ure last question...hes not answering u, because he doesnt want you to let go, cos he wants to keep u on HOLD..so u dont date anyone, and so u can jsut wait for him, so he can come back whenever he feels like it..this is SELFISH!!! cos while hes out there, doing who knows what, ure there thinking about him...still thinking that maybe u should wait..FORGET WHAT HE SAID!! if he reallt cared he would have contacted u already..he hasnt....if u did this to him, he wouldnt bve thinking about u now...so FORGET HIM..he PUSHED YOU away, not YOU pushed him away..... PLEASE MOVE ON!!!!!!! stop thinking so much of what he said, instead think of WHAT HIS ACTIONS ARE SAYING..and his actions are saying "i dont care about u anymore, i need my time, i dont know when ill call u, just leave me alone cos if u call me or text me i wont responsd, whatever" hes being SELFISH, and CARELESS!!!!!!!
InLoKo Posted January 8, 2004 Posted January 8, 2004 Originally posted by greentea InLoko, I guess there are some things that really bother me 4)im scared of losing him. I'm afraid you have already lost him. That's a fact. What no-one knows is whether he will change his mind. But that is upto him, not you, to change it. You do need to move on as Calithin says. If he comes back now, I'm afraid you may be so clingy that it won't be long before he goes away again. If he does think anything of you, the distance created will allow him to be attracted to you. The more you can get on with your own life, the better for you and for him if he contacts you. Do you think ANY man wants a clingy, needy, desperate, pestering, nagging woman? It ain't attractive!! Men want that woman who isn't quite so available, attractive, feminine, strong, confident, vibrant. "But I can't live without you, I lo-o-o-ve you soooooo much" snivel, boo-hoo, "I will die without you" sniff, sniff, blows nose. Not nice. Not attractive. Not the way forward.
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