imagine Posted December 12, 2009 Posted December 12, 2009 How would you like it if you suddenly discovered your GF had secretly installed a GPS on your car to track you every move? I have no secrets that I do not expose to my wife. All my mail is open. She knows the colours of my underpants when I get up. We are threaded like string. And she forgives my errors!
Yukikazi Posted December 12, 2009 Posted December 12, 2009 I have no secrets that I do not expose to my wife. All my mail is open. She knows the colours of my underpants when I get up. We are threaded like string. And she forgives my errors! You didn't actually answer the question. How would you feel if you suddenly discovered your wife had secretly installed a GPS on your car to track you every move?
LucreziaBorgia Posted December 12, 2009 Posted December 12, 2009 So, why not just ask her in a non-confrontational and nonchalant (absolutely NOT suspicious) way? Just a simple... "so, what is the hmmmm chat on FB for?" Just play it off as mildly curious and not much more. I find that when someone is guilty, they are generally gobsmacked when hit with a perfectly innocent sounding and nonchalant direct question. The sputter, redirect, get angry, make excuses... pretty much anything except answer the question equally non-confrontational and nonchalant way. Only people who are accustomed to lying, people who are expecting to be confronted, or have some sociopathic tendencies can improvise 'innocent' like that.
imagine Posted December 12, 2009 Posted December 12, 2009 You didn't actually answer the question. How would you feel if you suddenly discovered your wife had secretly installed a GPS on your car to track you every move? She is welcome to. Why did you think that this answer would be different???
You'reasian Posted December 12, 2009 Posted December 12, 2009 You didn't actually answer the question. How would you feel if you suddenly discovered your wife had secretly installed a GPS on your car to track you every move? Not married, I'd be ok with that too. I am where I say I am. Why is it that many of us guys (and some women) are comfortable with this? and others not?
Double Posted December 12, 2009 Posted December 12, 2009 We're together about 6 mths, but it's quite a strong relationship.... I just looked at my facebook chatlists and I have a list with two girls that I was talking to months ago, that I was involved with....but I don't have it entitled "Hmmmm"... The point is they are two male friends of a guy she used to date... What I don't get is why would she have 2 male friends of her boyfriends in a seperate chatbox. It does include her 2 other female friends. But she is close to them, I wonder how close she was to her ex-bf's mates... It's not that they are in the list now, it's why were they in there in the first place? Quick one. I took a sneaky look at my gf's list of people to chat with on Facebook. In Facebook you can have seperate lists of people you like to chat with... She had a separate list called hmmm. In it are 4 people, two of her old mates from school, and two of her ex-boyfriends male friends. I know she uses hmmm, when referring to things she enjoys, ie sex.... I just find it a little odd, why would she be chatting on fbook with two of her exes friends in a chatbox titled "hmmm".... Yes I know what I did was wrong. No need to tell me. so your reasoning is that your chat boxes dont say 'hmmm' on or anything that looks outwardly suspicious? even though you also have chat boxes with your exes? stop obsessing and second guessing, it will get you nowhere. just ask her. I think you're being slightly ridiculous, personally...you've only been together for 6 months, and it's a "strong" relationship...yet you're snooping and checking up on her? Completely agree with Malenfant. Also, I think it's the exact same thing as the olden days when we all used AIM - she made a friends list of a specific group of people - what is the big deal?
Author Alf Posted December 13, 2009 Author Posted December 13, 2009 I may be ridiculous, then again I may not... Just found it odd that she had two of her, now ex-boyfriends, friends on a list called "Hmmmm" I am going to try the nonchalant approach tomorrow, it can do no harm if I mention it casually....can it?
Boundary Problem Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 I may be ridiculous, then again I may not... Just found it odd that she had two of her, now ex-boyfriends, friends on a list called "Hmmmm" I am going to try the nonchalant approach tomorrow, it can do no harm if I mention it casually....can it? I have a folder on my computer called "Fascinating Men" and "Former Fascinating Men". It is private. and I move pictures in and out of there all the time, depending on who is on my mind any particular week. If my bf went through my laptop and started asking me about those folders, I would feel very violated. You date someone. You aren't entitled to access to every minutiae of their life. Dating is about sharing. It is not ownership. My mind, my feelings remain my own. Now if I was married, then yes I would delete the folders. Dating is just dating.
D-Lish Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 Alf, I am amazed when a person is in a relationship that personal details are secret. Suppose she is a trollop and you were going to ask her to marry you, is privacy fair. What about when you get married and this communication with b/f 's continued, would it be fair to check her notes? Somehow I don't think so! Marriage is about the two people becoming one. Neither of you are excluded from investigation by the other. Now what to do about the info? Never let her know your source. Let is be known that a friend to xb/f is in contact and passed on the dirt. Place a keylogger on to her PC so that you may still access her mail. Now that you know that you are playing second fiddle - what are you going to do? Hmmm? I disagree on the privacy issue. If I'm not doing anything suspect, but my bf or husband is constantly checking my actions- I'm going to get pissed and leave him.
Boundary Problem Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 I disagree on the privacy issue. If I'm not doing anything suspect, but my bf or husband is constantly checking my actions- I'm going to get pissed and leave him. We are independent people. I find people interesting. But that doesn't mean that they are entitled to check up on me. It is a huge distraction and there are more productive things in life to focus on. If someone wants to leave - let them leave. I think if someone is cheating there are signs. I don't think people need to be checked up on. Better to just pick a high quality person with a good track record if you want to avoid cheaters. In fact I have told people that if I were dating them, and they were constantly checking up on me (beyond the usual boyfriend thing), then I'll make sure to give them something awful to watch.
New Again Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 I may be ridiculous, then again I may not... Just found it odd that she had two of her, now ex-boyfriends, friends on a list called "Hmmmm" I am going to try the nonchalant approach tomorrow, it can do no harm if I mention it casually....can it? Hmmm...I also think you are being a bit ridic/paranoid. I totally agree with the AIM comment. That's how I organized my AIM lists - by grouping people. And I very rarely took the time to change the names/titles of those. Didn't you say somewhere in this thread that you also have a list like that? Why isn't she entitled to the same? If someone violated my privacy the way you have hers, and with no reason to be snoopy/suspicious, I personally would probably break up with you, esp. after only 6 months. I would DEFINITELY break up with you if there was a second occurrence of this behavior from you, and depending on how you handled the discussion/my reaction and explanation. In short, YES, it can do all kinds of harm, as many people on here have stated. YOU VIOLATED HER PRIVACY. And without cause, I might add. You date someone. You aren't entitled to access to every minutiae of their life. Yup.
harmfulsweetz Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 Mr Yukikazi is clearly not interested in a closer relationship with his girlfriend. His life is most definitely private. Where does it stop though? Putting keyloggers on a computer because he found chatlists labelled 'hmm' on FB? If that's the natural order of things for that R, I'd call it a day. Jeez, I can't believe people advocate essentially invading someone's privacy. At the end of the day, if she's up to anything, he'll find out other ways. If not, then wow, he just lost himself a girlfriend. When will it end? When will people stop looking at things like FB and seeing things that may/may not be there? When will people actually confront their issues and ask their partners, instead of turning to a bloody spy device?! Jeez, it's not rocket science.
Author Alf Posted December 15, 2009 Author Posted December 15, 2009 Ok so, long story short I asked her what the Hmmm list was, she went a bit off the hook and refused to talk about it. I told her either she explains what it is or I'll have to reconsider my place in this relationship. She then shows me her facebook privacy settings, and the names of the people are all blocked from seeing certain parts of her profile. Big bust-up ensues. She claims to have no idea where the Hmmm list came from in chat, she reckons it must be due to her having them all in privacy group, ie denied access to certain parts of her profile. So it all seems innocent enough, that said I know she created the Hmm chat list, she reckoned today was the first day she ever saw it, that Facebook must have created it....this much I know is bs, so I'll see if she comes clean about it....
LucreziaBorgia Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 she went a bit off the hook and refused to talk about it. She claims to have no idea where the Hmmm list came from in chat, she reckons it must be due to her having them all in privacy group, ie denied access to certain parts of her profile. So it all seems innocent enough, that said I know she created the Hmm chat list, she reckoned today was the first day she ever saw it, that Facebook must have created it.... That's the exact sketchy reaction I was talking about. That's a load of horsesh*t if I ever heard one.
New Again Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 She claims to have no idea where the Hmmm list came from in chat, she reckons it must be due to her having them all in privacy group, ie denied access to certain parts of her profile. That is probably exactly where the chat list came from. As a Facebook user I would think you'd know something about how it works. Her story is entirely plausible. If she ever created a privacy list "Hmm" before OR after the chat feature was added to Facebook, Facebook automatically groups people in that privacy group as a chat group also. So it all seems innocent enough, that said I know she created the Hmm chat list, she reckoned today was the first day she ever saw it, that Facebook must have created it....this much I know is bs, so I'll see if she comes clean about it.... This all sounds angry and bitter, and not at all like you're presenting what actually happened, only your skewed perception of it. And no, you still don't "know" that she created the Hmm chat list. All you know for sure is that she blocked those people from seeing parts of her profile and called that group "Hmm." I think your g/f was telling you the truth.
imagine Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 I disagree on the privacy issue. If I'm not doing anything suspect, but my bf or husband is constantly checking my actions- I'm going to get pissed and leave him. The idea of espionage is not to be found out. I would contrive another means of discovery to expose inappropriate actions. If you were doing something wrong - what then?
Author Alf Posted December 16, 2009 Author Posted December 16, 2009 That is probably exactly where the chat list came from. As a Facebook user I would think you'd know something about how it works. Her story is entirely plausible. If she ever created a privacy list "Hmm" before OR after the chat feature was added to Facebook, Facebook automatically groups people in that privacy group as a chat group also. This all sounds angry and bitter, and not at all like you're presenting what actually happened, only your skewed perception of it. I think your g/f was telling you the truth. I have never created a chatlist like this before, so I actually had no idea Facebook worked this way, if I did I woudn't have needed to raise the question. I don't know why you are calling me bitter and twised, that is exactly what she said, she said " I have no idea where the separate chatlist came from, today is the first day it was there, Facebook must have made it"... Now I know the chatlist was there before that day, so I have to assume she was unaware of it, which does seem a bit strange, but still possible... So apparently Facebook can do this? For example if block some people from viewing parts of my profile I can label them as "hmmm" or whatever I choose.... Well that would make sense then...but I tried to make a group in my privacy settings, it didn't give me an option to name it?...Maybe I am missing something on the options list...
New Again Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 I have never created a chatlist like this before, so I actually had no idea Facebook worked this way, if I did I woudn't have needed to raise the question. I don't know why you are calling me bitter and twised, that is exactly what she said, she said " I have no idea where the separate chatlist came from, today is the first day it was there, Facebook must have made it"... Now I know the chatlist was there before that day, so I have to assume she was unaware of it, which does seem a bit strange, but still possible... So apparently Facebook can do this? For example if block some people from viewing parts of my profile I can label them as "hmmm" or whatever I choose.... Well that would make sense then...but I tried to make a group in my privacy settings, it didn't give me an option to name it?...Maybe I am missing something on the options list... Well if she wasn't aware of it until you pointed it out, than maybe she just never noticed (which would also lead me to think that she doesn't really talk to those guys much if at all). I didn't even notice the same thing about FB until they changed their privacy settings recently and I had to go back and change all my chat settings too because the damn thing kept popping up and I had to fix the settings for all my privacy groups again You can definitely still add people to lists, and you can definitely still call your lists anything you want...you might not be able to do it the same way as I used to, since FB keeps changing... So, if we assume your g/f is trustworthy (and I say yes), and she didn't know about this chat group, that most likely means she made the list a very long time ago (like...a year or more probably). Sorry for the bitter comment...but your g/f is most likely (beyond a doubt in my mind) telling the truth - FB probably did make the chat group off of her privacy group.
Yukikazi Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 So apparently Facebook can do this? For example if block some people from viewing parts of my profile I can label them as "hmmm" or whatever I choose.... Well that would make sense then...but I tried to make a group in my privacy settings, it didn't give me an option to name it?...Maybe I am missing something on the options list... Yes you can. I have groups setup for friends.. school alumni, co workers and 1 group for zero access for those I don't know yet. Friends get to see all minus family albums Family gets all plus family albums No Access gets the same view as any non friend.. co-workers and alumni get various settings in between. You can completely compartmentalize your friend list Go to your ALL friends and there is a create list button at the top.. hard to miss
Author Alf Posted December 16, 2009 Author Posted December 16, 2009 Ok, thanks for that Yukikazi, I'm terrible with computers etc.. So if you make the list does Fb then automatically make a chat list for these groups?
Yukikazi Posted December 17, 2009 Posted December 17, 2009 Ok, thanks for that Yukikazi, I'm terrible with computers etc.. So if you make the list does Fb then automatically make a chat list for these groups? You mean more automatic then you clicking "create list" then naming it and clicking ok.. Hmm yes I suppose it does automatically get created then Once you create a list.. that "Add to list" option when you accept friend requests suddenly makes alot more sense
New Again Posted December 17, 2009 Posted December 17, 2009 Ok, thanks for that Yukikazi, I'm terrible with computers etc.. So if you make the list does Fb then automatically make a chat list for these groups? YES!!! I am telling you that this is 100% fact. I have never once in my life made a Facebook chat group, yet I still have them....BECAUSE FACEBOOK MADE THEM FOR ME based on my privacy groups. Now go apologize to your g/f!!
jenifer1972 Posted December 17, 2009 Posted December 17, 2009 You should check out my post to guys about "I just don't get this!" Involves that GD Myspace and my husband's exes on there, and then after all the fighting over internet indiscretions, and him knowing how I feel, now he has posted a PICTURE of one particular woman from some russian whore site in a storage file! So, I FEEL your PAIN, and at your point in a relationship I feel it is ok to do a bit of snooping to protect yourself if you have suspicions and I wouldn't feel guilty or apologize for it....but agree with another poster, that I would NOT tell her HOW I found out. Use the approach of the other poster. No, I don't think it is ok to have this list, but it might matter when it was made and if she is ACTIVELY using it. I wouldn't put a keylogger on anyone else's computer, but I sure as He.... put one on MINE and that is how I caught my husband surfing way too much porn.
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