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For all of us that have coped, or gotten over our breakup...


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Posted

... what have you learned.

 

What did you learn about yourself?

 

 

 

Seeing as I have posed these questions, I guess I should answer them first

 

Personally, I've learned that I suffered from the "Nice Guy Syndrome". I've place the importance of happiness of others, before I placed it in myself. While I generally think I am a genuinely kind hearted guy, I've learned that I've done acts of niceness not because I truly meant it, but also because I wanted something in return, whether it is affection, praise, or even love. When I didn't, I've become resentful, and unhappy. While I still fall into this habit every so often, I've become much better in questioning my motives for being nice. Am I doing something because of self-intrinsic value, or do I want a thank you? If I don't get a "thank you" or some kind of reciprocity, will I mind? If nobody ever knows what I did this nice gesture, will I even care?

 

Now I'm not saying that all nice guys suffer from "Nice guy syndrome", I'm just saying that I did.

Posted

I learned that I could stand to give a little less in my Rs and a little more to my family & friends. I tend to be a pretty selfless person, to the point of sacrificing my own happiness to be with someone because I want to make him happy.

 

I also learned (am learning still) that I have value, and that if one man doesn't choose to be with or stay with me, that doesn't take away from what an amazing person I am. Some guy will be very lucky to be with me some day... who knows, maybe I will just never settle down. :) I'm sort of having fun being single again!

Posted

I've learned that no matter how in love you can be, it can be over in a flash.

That it takes two people to really understand that relationships need to be reflected upon and each person has to be open and willing.

 

Both people have to be open, honest, communicate, and be willing to work through rough patches. Both have to face vulnerability and fear and willing to face it together.

Can't really blame a person if they aren't ready to do that, no matter how great they were.

 

Sometimes no matter how wonderful you think it is, you never stop growing.

Posted

I've learned so many things through my last relationship, but the main thing I want to take with me is that I have to invest in a relationship. What I invest initially in the relationship is what will become of it.

 

The relationship will bear the fruit of the labor, it will become the garden that was sown and cared for.

 

I want to believe that in my next romantic relationship, whatever love I invest into the relationship, and my level of commitment to it, will bear its fruits.

 

.... and I have to believe that my love in the previous relationship mattered, and his love mattered, and that we both moved on with that gift, or presence, in our lives. So even when it doesn't work out, it does, just not like we saw it.

Posted

Hmm.

 

-value myself more; confidence; love myself first before loving another

-not to overextend myself too much and be too selfless/boundaries

-communicate more. (I tended to let ex run the show and i just followed)

-once i lose trust for someone either forgive or MOVE ON. (marriage is different)

-don't change for anyone except for myself. (or resentment will set in)

 

hmm. what else.

Posted

all female replies (i think). guess the dudes arent doing so well. lol

Posted
... what have you learned.

 

What did you learn about yourself?

 

 

 

Seeing as I have posed these questions, I guess I should answer them first

 

Personally, I've learned that I suffered from the "Nice Guy Syndrome". I've place the importance of happiness of others, before I placed it in myself. While I generally think I am a genuinely kind hearted guy, I've learned that I've done acts of niceness not because I truly meant it, but also because I wanted something in return, whether it is affection, praise, or even love. When I didn't, I've become resentful, and unhappy. While I still fall into this habit every so often, I've become much better in questioning my motives for being nice. Am I doing something because of self-intrinsic value, or do I want a thank you? If I don't get a "thank you" or some kind of reciprocity, will I mind? If nobody ever knows what I did this nice gesture, will I even care?

 

Now I'm not saying that all nice guys suffer from "Nice guy syndrome", I'm just saying that I did.

 

You are NOT suffering from Nice Guy Syndrome. Nice girls look for Nice guys. I think most nice women will agree to this...A man you can trust, respect, and follow in the path of goodness is of far greater value than a man of good looks, fame, power, or money. A relationship is not centered on “me and my” but on “us and our.” This is one of the secrets to a lasting relationship.

Posted
You are NOT suffering from Nice Guy Syndrome. Nice girls look for Nice guys. I think most nice women will agree to this...A man you can trust, respect, and follow in the path of goodness is of far greater value than a man of good looks, fame, power, or money. A relationship is not centered on “me and my” but on “us and our.” This is one of the secrets to a lasting relationship.

 

You are missing what he means by "Nice Guy".

 

Read this and you will understand...

 

No More Mr. Nice Guy

Posted
Personally, I've learned that I suffered from the "Nice Guy Syndrome".

 

Ditto... And if you have read the book, you know that nice guys aren't always so nice...

Posted

I learned it takes two to make and break a relationship and that I will never lose myself in a relationship again. That is not to say I won't give my heart to one, but I need to stay connected with myself and not lose the sense of who I am.

 

Also, I know I'm now so much stronger and that I don't NEED a relationship to be happy and that if I'm in a relationship that is not fulfilling my expectations, that I have a right to leave it. I have a right to and deserve to be in a happy relationship.

Posted
I learned it takes two to make and break a relationship and that I will never lose myself in a relationship again. That is not to say I won't give my heart to one, but I need to stay connected with myself and not lose the sense of who I am.

 

Also, I know I'm now so much stronger and that I don't NEED a relationship to be happy and that if I'm in a relationship that is not fulfilling my expectations, that I have a right to leave it. I have a right to and deserve to be in a happy relationship.

 

I completely forgot about those two. =) Thanks for the reminder. Time to go write this in my journal. Thanks for the great prompt guys.

Posted

I learned that women are crazy and can't be trusted.

Posted
I learned that women are crazy and can't be trusted.

 

Something OTHER than that! Oh c'mon! There was nothing else, seriously?

Posted

I've learned I have qualities about me that draw people.

 

I've learned I have qualities that drive people away.

 

I've learned I am stronger than I thought I was, going through this alone.

 

I've learned how to cross the street without looking, hoping I'll get run over.

Posted
I learned that women are crazy and can't be trusted.

 

We as men can't blame our shortcomings on women. Women are the most precious creatures in the universe. You have to let go of the pain and heartache and grow from the experiences. There are a lot of wonderful women out there. To live in anger and regret is to die a lonely death.

Posted
There are a lot of wonderful women out there.

 

 

But even if the best of them are capable of being full of crap, what hope does it give us for the rest of them...?

Posted
But even if the best of them are capable of being full of crap, what hope does it give us for the rest of them...?

 

 

I'd like to ask how you came to the conclusion that it's only women that are crazy and can't be trusted??

 

Each individual is completely different. Male and female. I don't think it's necessarily fair to point fingers at one specific gender just because you happened to be hurt by one or two of them.

 

You'll get over the resentment one day, and hopefully you'll find a woman that can actually be labeled a 'woman'.

Posted

ive learned that my distrust and insecurity sabotaged my relationship.

 

sad but true, and a tough lesson to learn. i also learned that every relationship is based upon respect and to not have it reciprocated then you shouldnt give it out.

Posted

What I've learned:

 

"You're damned if you do and damned if you don't."

"If you don't know yourself and can't be fulfilled by yourself, most of your relationships will be short-lived (2 years or less)."

"A partner in life doesn't give you happiness, they compliment your existing happiness."

 

and ....

 

"If she puts out on the first date, she's not relationship material." (But she could end up being a great FWB!)

Posted
ive learned that my distrust and insecurity sabotaged my relationship.

 

sad but true, and a tough lesson to learn. i also learned that every relationship is based upon respect and to not have it reciprocated then you shouldnt give it out.

 

You've focused on your short-comings enough and have hyper-analysed them. You learned some of your faults and you now know that it was your environment that was dragging you down.

 

But trust me, her **** did stink and you're beating yourself up too much over the failed relationship. Remember, she had flaws, too -- and you need to start looking at hers now so you know what kind of woman to avoid and what kind of woman to embrace in the future.

 

You've beat your dead horse to a pulp. Let dead dogs lie. It's bridges under the water ... errr ... water under the bridge.

Posted
Ditto... And if you have read the book, you know that nice guys aren't always so nice...

 

Can anyone briefly explain to me why nice guys aren't always so nice?

 

Is it possible for a female to have this type of syndrome (I think my ex does!)? I assume it is, people just don't write books about it because it's not considered abnormal for women to be really "nice".

Posted
Can anyone briefly explain to me why nice guys aren't always so nice?

 

Because "nice guys" seek validation from external sources instead of taking care of themselves first. This leads to passive-aggressive behaviour in relationships. There is an entire slew of psychology involved with it but the short of it is that men should live fulfilling lives for themselves first.

Posted

I've learnt that I am a very sensitive person and this can lead to insecurity which causes me to make a person the centre of my world and want to keep them happy. Alternatively, because of insecurity, I also push people away by being cruel to them. I do this to self-sabotague relationships because deep down I feel I am not 100% worthy of being loved...or of being chosen by them above another woman. I fear they will lie or cheat or leave or hurt me. This comes from a believe I have about men which may or not be true but makes me clam up and close off to men, and if I do show my vulnerabilities at any time, I then have to close up again, I can't remain open.

 

I still need to learn a lot more; to trust, to not be selfish, to be selfless in loving another person, to stand up for my boundaries and rights in the relationship. To not be scared if I end up alone. To value myself as my best friend. To not feel incomplete or unworthy if I am without a boyfriend. I used to be happy to be alone but suddenly not feel complete. I need to learn to find the completeness within myself.

Posted
I still need to learn a lot more; to trust, to not be selfish, to be selfless in loving another person, to stand up for my boundaries and rights in the relationship. To not be scared if I end up alone. To value myself as my best friend. To not feel incomplete or unworthy if I am without a boyfriend. I used to be happy to be alone but suddenly not feel complete. I need to learn to find the completeness within myself.

 

Amen... I said something very similar in a conversation with my cousin a few weeks ago. She replied, "If you can do this, you are doing better than 99% of the population."

 

It's not easy to change core beliefs especially as they pertain to views of yourself. I just know I have to if Im ever going to be happy.

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Posted
But even if the best of them are capable of being full of crap, what hope does it give us for the rest of them...?

 

Aww dude, I hope eventually you outgrow this. Both men and women are capable of being full of crap. We all have our moments. Though to be honest, I do undertand where this is coming from for you, and I don't blame you in feeling this way.

 

And because I know how you feel, I have more scrutiny in what I look for in a woman. For instance, if I cannot have fun at least 51% of the time with her, than that's a no-no for me.

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