SeekingTruth Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 Hello. I came to this forum in need of insights. Any comments are greatly appreciated. My boyfriend and I are together for 4 years. We started a long distance relationship 4 months ago when he moved to pursue his education. We both are in late 20s. My boyfriend cheated on me once in June this year with his ex. He was the one who confessed without me catching him in the act. We had intensive long talk and he told me he didn't want to lose me and I decided to give him another chance. Fast forward to my current situation: I visited him for two weeks and just came back. During my stay, one of my friend who knows him told me that she saw him and another girl having a dinner on Nov 14. I tried to not to think about it during I was with him since I didn't ruin my stay. However, my last day, after he left for work and I was at his house by myself until I had to leave to catch my flight. He left his phone on the table. All of a sudden, as I had an urge and really needed to be sure that he's not messing around while we are apart, I started to go through his cell phone, which I have never done before. I found a picture, taken on that day (Nov 14), of him and the girl having a dinner with wine and taking pictures of each other at the dinner table across from each other (no picture of them together). Then I decided to go through his video and there was a video that he took with group of his friends the day before (Nov 13) and the girl was there as well. I knew he went out with his friend that night but didn't recall her name being mentioned. I checked my chat log with him of that night and I was correct. In my chat log, There was a record that when he came home that night I asked him about who he hung out with, and he didn't mention her name while he mentioned about everyone else. I didn't have a chance to confront him in person because he left for work that day. I left his house for airport and I was devastated. I haven't told him about I went through his phone, and probably has no idea that I know about it. I want to confront him about it to hear the truth. How should I do it? Should I confront him in person? or can I do it through video chat? Which would be better? We are talking about me relocating to his state next summer. I would rather know now what is going on. I want to trust him but I don't know if I can/should.
ADF Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 SeekingTruth, your long-distance BF is obviously cheating on you. And he will continue to do so, no matter how you feel or what you say to him. Your mistake was forgiving him the first time. When you give a cheater another chance, you are in effect telling him that you're weak. That you're needy. That you'll put up with almost anything not to lose him. And believe me, cheaters actively look for people like that. Part of the pleasure for them is fooling people, seeing how much they can get away with. Stop being played for a fool and dump this guy.
Beerme Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 SeekingTruth, your long-distance BF is obviously cheating on you. And he will continue to do so, no matter how you feel or what you say to him. Your mistake was forgiving him the first time. When you give a cheater another chance, you are in effect telling him that you're weak. That you're needy. That you'll put up with almost anything not to lose him. And believe me, cheaters actively look for people like that. Part of the pleasure for them is fooling people, seeing how much they can get away with. Stop being played for a fool and dump this guy. I don't agree that he is "obviously" cheating on you. He may be, but it may be that she's just a friend. My girlfriend goes out to dinner with her guy friends from time to time. Doesn't mean anything more than two friends hanging out. Now, its certainly a possibility that your boyfriend is cheating on you. I just don't think that you should so quickly jump to conclusions. I
JustLooking123 Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 This is why I would never stay with someone who cheated on me - the trust is gone. Even if you confront him and he insists that she is only a friend, you will not 100% believe him. Part of you will always wonder if he's cheating on you again.
Author SeekingTruth Posted December 10, 2009 Author Posted December 10, 2009 (edited) Hi everyone. Thank you very much for the responses! Edited December 10, 2009 by SeekingTruth
phineas Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 I don't agree that he is "obviously" cheating on you. He may be, but it may be that she's just a friend. My girlfriend goes out to dinner with her guy friends from time to time. Doesn't mean anything more than two friends hanging out. Now, its certainly a possibility that your boyfriend is cheating on you. I just don't think that you should so quickly jump to conclusions. I but, does your girlfriend do it behind your back? when your GF goes out does she fail to mention if these guy friends are there while mentioning everyone else? My wife did. She couldn't keep her stories straight when it came to who she was with when she "stopped for drinks" after work. She was cheating on me.
Beerme Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 but, does your girlfriend do it behind your back? when your GF goes out does she fail to mention if these guy friends are there while mentioning everyone else? My wife did. She couldn't keep her stories straight when it came to who she was with when she "stopped for drinks" after work. She was cheating on me. No, she doesn't do it behind my back, but she doesn't go out of her way to tell me either. I may not find out for a day or two until it comes up during the course of a normal conversation. As I said, I don't know if the OP's boyfriend is cheating on her, and I don't think that anyone can make the statement that he "obviously" is. There are certainly some things that she needs to look into, but to jump to a drastic conclusion without getting some more facts would, in my mind, be pretty short sighted.
ADF Posted December 11, 2009 Posted December 11, 2009 I don't agree that he is "obviously" cheating on you. He may be, but it may be that she's just a friend. My girlfriend goes out to dinner with her guy friends from time to time. Doesn't mean anything more than two friends hanging out. Now, its certainly a possibility that your boyfriend is cheating on you. I just don't think that you should so quickly jump to conclusions. I But I'll bet your GF doesn't lie about it, does she? I'll she doesn't keep the fact she hangs out with her male friends secret from you, either. Yours is a very different scenario than the one the OP described.
Beerme Posted December 11, 2009 Posted December 11, 2009 But I'll bet your GF doesn't lie about it, does she? I'll she doesn't keep the fact she hangs out with her male friends secret from you, either. Yours is a very different scenario than the one the OP described. Oh, I know my situation is very different from the OP. I also stated that its quite possible that the OP's boyfriend is cheating. I just don't think that any of us can say with any sort of certainty that he is. Also, the OP never says that her boyfriend lied to her about anything. She said that he never mentioned the girl when she asked who he hung out with. I would be pretty concerned if she was the only one that he forgot to mention, but the OP clearly states that he mentioned "about everyone else."
FilthMerchant Posted December 12, 2009 Posted December 12, 2009 He isn't suspicious. You are (with good reason I guess). All you need to say is: My friend saw you having dinner with another woman, and that night when you came to talk to me you didn't mention it. This is disrespectful and I want an explanation. That is all you need to say. You don't give away the fact that you spied, and you aren't accusing him of anything more than what you KNOW he has done.
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