sean1970 Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 A few weeks ago, a mutual friend (one that we met together) that lives near the ex asked me to travel to his place to attend a Football game. It sounded like fun so I agreed even taking into account the 4 hour drive to do so. This last weekend was the trip and, by all accounts, it was a good visit. There were somethings said about the ex but only in reference to people that asked how we met (the mutual friend and I) or if we were going to a place where we had been together I maybe mentioned something (the restaurant after the game her and I went to). One thing the friend did was ask another mutual friend that is fairly close to her if she wanted to come along the first evening. A few weeks before, I had asked him to pass on a hello to her. She was always really cool to me and I liked her. I had no idea he asked her to come along and only then passed on my hello. I cant help but think that it looked like I was trying to get to the ex through her friend. Her friend turned down the offer as she was going out with the ex and others. Really wish he had not asked her... There were other things; I got a little lit that Saturday, not drunk but I was feeling no pain. It's also something the ex hated, drinking that is (big double standard there). Also, I was not a big fan of one of her other close friends and he "defended" her during one conversation. I guess what I'm getting at is that I have been analyzing almost every moment of the trip. I don't know how many of you have mutual friends with the ex but I felt like I was on stage to showcase how 'great' Im doing but drove away thinking I botched the whole visit. "Wow, Sean got really buzzed... And he was ripping on L a bit..." Yada yada... It was just hard to feel comfortable while I was there and afterthoughts have my mind in overdrive since.
Template Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 Don't over think things man. It's what gets us in trouble. You are letting your ex affect your actions. She lost out on that privilege the moment that she became your ex. "IF I do this, and she sees that, this think this, that, whatever." If you truly want to want to get over your ex and let go, you have to focus on yourself; heck, this is #4 on the link in your signature. Who cares what she would have thought, and who cares what her friends thinks, half the times friends don't even know the whole story if she cries her eyes out to them for 24 hours. She'll only tell them what she wants them to know. (I mean seriously, what sounds better, "I dumped her because she cheated on me", or "I broke up with her I cheated on her"... it's all about the perspective) I say go out, have a ball, drink, be merry, if that what YOU want to do. She'll only think negative things about you anyways. It's a no win situation with her, but like I said, fsck her, and make it about an all-win situation with yourself.
DustySaltus Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 You can't control what happened but what you need to do is set boundaries with your mutual friends in the future. We all get lit from time to time and do stupid things. You didn't drunk dial her, you didn't show up at her house, you hung out with some friends....it's not a big deal. I know for a fact after I left my EX BLASTED me to her family a day after she told them how great of a husband I would be. Why would she expect you to be happy about what happened anyway. In time those feelings will pass but what happened was completely normal. At this point, the focus should be on yourself. Who cares what she's doing or thinking. As long as you had a good time. It's all about you now sean... I hope you didn't go to a Lions game, because that would be more painful than anything
Author sean1970 Posted December 9, 2009 Author Posted December 9, 2009 I hope you didn't go to a Lions game, because that would be more painful than anything LOL... Yes, it was... And actually, we were seated next to 3 other Lion's fans... I think the 4 of us constituted the entire remaining base Just being there, with the those friends, remembering that I liked that life more than I do the one before and after her. It's just sad that it will never be again and you have to work on yourself... Not always sure you like that self.. Thanks guys...
Template Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 Just being there, with the those friends, remembering that I liked that life more than I do the one before and after her. It's just sad that it will never be again and you have to work on yourself... Not always sure you like that self.. I know what you mean man. Sometimes it does seem that having a life with someone is much better than not. The grass is always greener I guess. I know of married guys who wouldn't trade being married for the world, and I know guys married from 9 mos to 25 years, who wish they were single again. I think the key is live WHATEVER life we currently live to it absolute fullest. There are pros and cons to living a life with a mate, and without, and I think just embrace the pros as they come.
soheartbroken Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 Ugh. The mutual friend thing. I know exactly what you mean about being on stage. Do you act like you're totally fine, and that way your ex will think she is absolved of all guilt for any and all ****ty things that she did? Or do you act and say how you really feel? I can't really be fake, and for this reason I've limited all contact with one mutual friend, and with another I told her not to tell me ANYTHING about my ex. And I mean anything. In fact I don't even know if the two of them talk because I said I didn't want to know. And I know what you mean by overanalyzing. One mutual friend asked me if there were any developments in my love life (this was 4 months after the split). Made me wonder if she asked because she knew the ex was moving on in her love life. Drives me crazy!!!
Author sean1970 Posted December 9, 2009 Author Posted December 9, 2009 (edited) And I know what you mean by overanalyzing. One mutual friend asked me if there were any developments in my love life (this was 4 months after the split). Made me wonder if she asked because she knew the ex was moving on in her love life. Drives me crazy!!! He asked me if I was dating and I said I had here and there. Even hit on a girl at one of the bars we went to. At dinner the next eve, I was talking to someone that I just met (his GF's friend). She told us how she has just stopped looking to date. I was intrigued by what she said, and how she said it, actually. A rather bubbly person but you could hear the hint of defeat and loneliness in the way she talked about it... I followed up by saying that I had some of the same concerns... That I was just not ready. It was odd having the mutual friend there to hear that. She went on to ask if we were friends, and I dont know why I did this, I head motioned to my friend. They all wondered why. I had to quickly say that he knew the story. I said that I was friends with other exs but, for some reason, this one was different. "Maybe it is too early," I said. She asked if the breakup was mutual (again, in front of the mutual friend), "Not in the beginning but it is now." I said. He does not know that I know my ex is dating. I asked him nothing about her; he offered nothing. At least that went well... He is a good guy but its not like this mutual friend and I are great friends, and he lives 4 hours away, so limiting this type of contact will not be a challenge. I just dont like it that I have not moved past this being uncomfortable for me... Edited December 9, 2009 by sean1970
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