Keep an open mind

[PotKettleBlack]

About two and a half months ago, I broke up with my ex. We had lasted two weeks. I know all you savvy veterans of the dating game are probably thinking, "two weeks? sorry, that's really not enough time for any strong feelings to develop." I'm sure this thought will be driven even further into your skulls when I say she was my first. However, I was her first, too, aside from a guy she made out with a couple of times last year. We're both young, only seventeen.

I had habored a rather large crush for her over the summer. I had always thought she was pretty attractive, but what really got to me was the way she wrote. I never like giving credit to people my age for being good writers, as I am a rather insecure person, but for some reason I always had a great deal of respect and admiration for her works, even before I liked her. Plus, we both read On the Road for our English term papers, so I suppose it was enough for me to feel some heavy butterflies.

Anyway, the school year started and we were in the same creative writing class. When she found out I read On the Road, I guess we become slightly friendly. On the second week of school, I called her for the creative writing homework and hung up four hours later. I had never been able to relate with someone so well. Anyway, to make a long story slightly less long, we started going out (though, being the "alternative" young teens that we are, we never called it that).

 

I had never gotten along so well with anyone before. I was incredibly comfortable in the relationship, and she was, too. I never had to lie, or make excuses for myself. I never had to be ashamed or self-conscious of things because she had the same anxieties and embarassments...they kind of nullified each other. Even now, when this huge desert of silence separates us, I still can't find anyone who I can relate to as well.

 

So, the second week came and started out fine. However, in the middle of the week a long phone call prevented her from doing her English assignment. She seemed a little nicked about it the next day, but I thought nothing of it. Then, I went to her house on that Thursday. She was very reluctant to have me go over, despite it was her who suggested the idea on the previous Saturday. She said she couldn't kiss, because of dental work, but being that I liked her company so, I insisted on tagging along.

 

Of course, young teenagers have hormones, and we did eventually start kissing. It was even more intense then it had been in previous weeks, despite her obvious mental detachment. We grinded our pelvises into one another, and she closed her eyes. I remember kissing her neck and noticed that for the first time, she wasn't laughing or saying "that tickles." She had her eyes closed. Then there was a point where I slid my hand down somewhere. She kept saying "you don't have to do this," but I did anyway. Trust me, I'm not some macho-hooligan who was eager to run his mouth off to his buddies about getting to 'third.' I wanted to do it because I cared about her, and I suppose I wanted to, in the most basic terms, "make her feel good." So, she let me do my thing for awhile. I can't say I was particularly good at navigating that area, as I do not have any experience in that department, really. She had done the same thing to me the previous week, and she wasn't too good at it either, just so you know. However, a point came when she abruptly said, "no, no. Stop, now," sat up on her bed, and moved away. I tried to hug her several minutes later, and she said, "don't faun over me." Later that day, when she dropped me off, I went to kiss her, but she didn't kiss back.

 

She ditched our plans for that Saturday, blaming college essays, and come the next Monday, we broke up. She sat me down and told me a million things. "This year was not a good year to get to know me," she said. "I really have to do well." "I've never been in this kind of relationship (she had never described us as a relationship before)." "I really enjoy talking to you, but I can't deal with six hour phone calls every night." And an assortment of other frantic reasons. We're both neurotic, and I know the emphasis she placed on getting into a good school, so it was an understandable reason. However, at the time, I wasn't able to relate and was absolutely crushed.

 

The weeks that followed were miserable ones. She continued to say hello in the halls, and continued to sit next to me in creative writing, but conversation was minimal. She didn't seek it out. Then one day she stopped saying hello in the halls, at least when other people were around. I meanwhile, was furious (internally of course). I thought that because she seemed to be friendly only when no one was around, it was "pity greeting" and I wanted no part of it. Additionally, I couldn't really understand why she had left. Of course, I had heard what she said. I just couldn't relate to it. So, I called her, and asked why she left, again. I said I thought that "our tank still had gas," and if there was any chance of getting together in the near future. At first she said, "I don't know," but as I persisted she rather irately snapped, "no. never. not until the day I die. I just want to get my point across." When the conversation ended, I asked her, "so, you just weren't ready for a relationship," and she responded, rather assuredly, "yes."

 

Now, you would think by now I would get the picture. She wasn't ready for a relationship, she said so. However, leave it to me to still not listen. A week went by, and anger just began to build up inside of me. I didn't feel she had given me a straightforward reason. I wanted something simple, and something I could relate to. I didn't get the barrage of reasons she had told me, I didn't want to get them. So, at the end of the week, I exploded. I asked if I could talk to her and then rather abrasively started asking why she left me. She was upset. She started saying things like, "I just like people and then I don't," and "You obviously must've thought it was a LOT better then I did." I asked her if it was because I fingered her that day, and she said no. I demanded to know why she had started saying "hi" in the hall and then just stopped all of a sudden. All she could say was, "I don't know." Eventually she sped off in a bit of a huff, to say the least. Earlier that day, she had written, "must stop being a *beep*" in French on her binder. I'm glad my ignorant self didn't remember to bring that up, because I don't think it would have been very constructive. I regret being such a jerk immensely, but I cannot blame myself for acting that way at the time. I was confused, lost, and hurt. She hadn't treated me terribly well in the weeks following the breakup, and I couldn't understand how this was happening with the person who I get/got along with so incredibly well.

 

Anyway, Monday came, and it wasn't good. She still sat next to me, but she was not in a good mood. She read a poem I wrote, which I must say was pretty damn good, and gave it constructive criticism minus the "constructive." After class, I tried to apologize, but she was furious. "I think what you did was really obnoxious and offensive and uncalled for," and for added injury spat, "I don't want you going all [girl who I sent a love letter to in the 9th grade] on me." We haven't spoken since.

 

She's still sat next to me in creative writing since then. Of course, she doesn't speak to me or so much as look in my direction, but she still sits. In the first few weeks following the argument, she would speed up when she saw me in the halls, walk in a different direction, or cut off into a corner. Then she began ignoring me. I no longer existed. All she did in creative writing was laugh it up with everyone who wasn't me. I was really crushed. Two months went by. I began to miss her company tremendously, and not just the physical aspect. Every so often something would happen to me that I knew she would have appreciated hearing, or I might hear a song I knew she would get a kick out of. I wanted to be on speaking terms again. Of course, I care about her so much, and I know that several months earlier, I hated just talking to her for three minutes a day in some shallow banter, but now I missed it more then anything. Recently, I've found myself changing from all of my old friends, and she personified the type of person the "new me" wanted to be around.

I went up to her one day in late November and asked if she thought I was angry at her. Rather obnoxiously, she shook her head to indicate, "no, of course not, not at all." Then, I said, "because you know, this ignoring thing is getting kind of old." She walked away from me as I said this. She walked away from me in the middle of my sentence.

 

I realized earlier this month about the wrongs I had done to her. Prior to that, I thought I was completely innocent, that some unknown force of evil was thrusting itself on me, and it was the only way to explain my miserable position. I realized that I think she had said the real reasons the first time, and though she wasn't exactly clear, she had told me nonetheless. I had been a complete idiot. I had somehow thought that because I'm scrawny and listen to indie rock bands that I'm too "sensitive" to stoop to the stereotypes of my sex. I didn't listen. All I did was badger. How often can you tell someone the reasons for something until you just get fed up explaining? I felt horrible for what I did. I was such an asinine fool. The following day I wrote her a note that said, "I thought that because I'm relatively scrawny in build and listen to indie rock bands that I'm somehow too intellectual to stoop to the stereotypes of my sex. I didn't listen to what you had to say. I just obnoxiously badgered you. I want you to know that I'm genuinely sorry, and that I apologize, even if it is rather late." She turned to me, and said, "don't worry, it's not an issue." We had been watching a movie in class at the time, and when it was over, she still didn't say a word. In fact, she turned in her chair to the opposite side of the room. She started a conversation up with the first person to come into class (an assembly had separated half of the class). I joined in on this conversation, and it became more like us each individually talking to the same person. She refused to acknowledge me.

 

I admit. I am one naive bastard. I still care deeply for this girl, even if she is treating me rather poorly. I'm so frustrated with her. Something is clearly bothering her. If she was over it, I don't think she'd feel compelled to not talk to me when I apologized. I hate being ignored in the hallways, or if we manage to bump into each other alone, I hate watching her look straight down at her feet until I pass by before she looks up again. I hate living in Ignoreland, because it feels incredibly unnatural, not to mention painful. I can't believe this is the same person who I used to be able to talk so freely and effortlessly with (mind you, I am not very talkative). I hate how she acts as if I simply don't exist, or that "we" simply didn't happen. I don't know what to do. I still care about her so much, but she refuses to speak to me. It's been so long, too. I miss talking to her. I hate the idea that she views me as the enemy. I know I can't do anything. I can't just scream at her. I feel there's a great sense of irresolution, but how can I possibly hope any resolution to come if she doesn't even look at me, or speak to me. I'm tired of everything I say and do being held against me. I don't know what I should feel, how I should act, or what I should do, if anything. I really care about her, perhaps more then I should, but I just know what we had was so good until it suddenly and abruptly ended. If anyone out there has any advice or insight, please offer some. I feel so incredibly lost and alone. Am I being really naive to think that there was some spirit in what we had, even if it was two weeks?

 

Oh, and when we were together, we leant each other books. She, nor I have returned them. I try not to make a big deal out of it, as it's probably more due to awkwardness then "oh, I still care!" but it's something that always gets to me.

 

Well, thanks. Anyone who has taken the time to read something this deliriously long deserves a huge pat on the back.

[SoleMate]

OK, I'll take that pat on the back now.

 

Thanks. Now on to your question.

 

If anyone out there has any advice or insight, please offer some. I feel so incredibly lost and alone. Am I being really naive to think that there was some spirit in what we had, even if it was two weeks?

 

Sure, there was something there. You two had a new friendship which you added some heavy petting to. She enjoyed that, but then realized she had other priorities in her life and pulled away. Then you started getting overbearing with demanding to know "reasons" why she "broke up" with you. You wouldn't take "I don't know" and "it's over" for what they meant. Well, here's a news alert. Even people dumped from 20 year marriages don't always get "reasons", and I'm sure they never get "reasons" that satisfy them or make them think, "Oh, OK, I get it now, thank you very much." You have no right to pester her, and by doing so, you have made it 100% certain that she'll never let you near her again.

 

"I thought that because I'm relatively scrawny in build and listen to indie rock bands that I'm somehow too intellectual to stoop to the stereotypes of my sex. I didn't listen to what you had to say. I just obnoxiously badgered you. I want you to know that I'm genuinely sorry, and that I apologize, even if it is rather late."

 

Wow, you really lost me there. I read the paragraph above THREE TIMES and I still didn't get your point. It's great that you apologized, even though you were still talking about yourself. Take that skill, of being courteous and caring about the other person's feelings, and apply it to your NEXT girlfriend. 'Cause I really don't think you should be bothering this lady any more. She's made her feelings clear, and you have no right to force your attentions on her against her will. If that seems unfair...deal with it.

[dyermaker]

Before I begin, I'm just going to warn you to take my opinion with a grain of salt, as I had to read On The Road over the summer, and found it, quite possibly, the worst book ever written. But, per your request, I will have an open mind.

 

"I'm glad my ignorant self didn't remember to bring that up, because I don't think it would have been very constructive. I regret being such a jerk immensely, but I cannot blame myself for acting that way at the time. I was confused, lost, and hurt."

 

Yes you were confused, lost, and hurt... You were hurt by a girl that wasn't ready for a relationship. I hope you can see that she wasn't being deceitful to you on purpose. She thought she could handle a relationship, but she couldn't. You didn't take it extremely well, but definitely ahead of the curve as far as breakups. It's not going to work out between you, you both want different things. If it ever did, it'd be unfair to at least one of you.

 

I realized earlier this month about the wrongs I had done to her.

 

Please don't confuse maturity with self-degradation. Turning this experience into a learning experience, to help you understand women and relationships, and applying your lessons learned to future relationships will help you reach maturity. But, lamenting over every thing you did wrong, and even worse, apologizing for relatively rational behavior, is not. Stop trying to make things work. She tried to let you down easy, she tried being rude, she tried ignoring you. It hurts her too, I'm sure, but you don't have a chance, you're not what she wants. Don't take this the wrong way buddy, but it's totally time to move on. The more you try, the more it hurts her. Don't apologize, move on.

 

Something is clearly bothering her. If she was over it, I don't think she'd feel compelled to not talk to me when I apologized.

 

Something is bothering her. You are that something. She'd be over it, if you let her, but you constantly remind her of it. She was compelled not to talk to you, because she doesn't want you in her life. She knows that if she does talk to you, a part of her could want to continue a relationship, to BOTH of your detriments. I applaud her self-control, and I'm sorry it's at your expense.

 

Give her space! Not the kind of space-giving that you give someone you still have feelings for, to see if they'll "come around", I mean RESTRAINING ORDER space. She's begging you, in all of the ways that she knows how.