I don't WANT a divorce I NEED a divorce

[mopar crazy]

I don't want to be a single mom, I don't want to pay the bills by myself, I don't want to parent between an xH, I don't want to be single and out in the dating world again. I don't want to disappoint my parents that their third daughter got divorced. I don't want my family and friends to say "I told you so." Those are just a few reasons I don't want to get a D.

 

Even though I don't want a D it can't possibly be worth staying in this M that I need out of for my self-esteem, my children's self-esteem, and our happiness. We are tired of the verbal abuse constantly thrown at us. I'm not saying I'm perfect, I'm far from that. But when you hear "You're a moron, idiot, stupid, etc" you tend to lash out with a "your an *********, go to hell!" in self defense. Right? No but when you are getting these words thrown at you on an almost daily basis what do you do? Just take it?

 

Let's start with the other day. There was a situation at school with our child. I go to the school and call H afterwards. He thinks the teacher should be in trouble. I don't. He said "You didn't say anything about the teacher doing this? Your a f#cking idiot!" I hung up on him. I will not be spoken to that way or in that manner.

 

Yesterday, I put away his clothes lying on the chair in bedroom. Don't know if they are clean or dirty, just put them away as they were laying on the chair. He calls me to the bedroom and ask me where I put his clothes. I tell him. He calls me another name and yelled at me "Those were dirty! Why did you put them away?!?" I walk out of the bedroom. May have called him a name, like ********* but not positive, too pissed.

 

I'm done. I need out. He refuses to move out, I refuse to move out. I found this house, I did the work to get it. When anything goes wrong I call the manager or repair man, he doesn't. I go pay the rent every month. I moved the last time we were going through M problems and I was STUPID for taking him back. Why should I move? He can go find a one bedroom apartment for crying out loud. I will have the children. They are both teenagers.

 

Can the law remove him from the home for verbal abuse or does it have to be only physical? I think it should be either. Emotional abuse can be more scarring that physical. HE WONT LEAVE!!! I refuse to leave. If it means leaving to go to a friends or a family members every time he goes through his rage I will. That is what my counselor told me to do when I was going years ago.

 

I just can't do this. He has mental problems and he would never admit to it, get help, nothing. He refuses to move. He left me once b/c he was so unhappy and we fought all the time but the only reason he left is b/c he found some whore who he didn't have any responsibilities with to wet his you know what and never nagged unless he didn't make time to spend w/ her.

 

Sometimes I wish he did find another OW and would leave! This time I would let him go and never, ever turn back. He promised the M would be better and it was for the first year then after we legally R it went back to shyt again!

[nobmagnet]

blinkin heck you are angry!!!!

 

go to court with the evidence you have of verbal abuse and get an injuction to get him out of your home.

 

dead end marriage?wow it sounds like it but at the least you needlots of space and stability.

 

poor you hugs

[ann09]

It depends on where you live - i know where I am there is no such thing as a legal separation.

 

You are angry and seem to have every right to be. What about couseling though? I know you may be past taht point, but do you love him?

[hopesndreams]

I just can't do this. He has mental problems and he would never admit to it, get help, nothing. He refuses to move. He left me once b/c he was so unhappy and we fought all the time but the only reason he left is b/c he found some whore who he didn't have any responsibilities with to wet his you know what and never nagged unless he didn't make time to spend w/ her.

 

That's your ticket out. Leave him, you will do fine on your own. It's not the big scary world you think it is. There are lots of people out there that will lend a helping hand and be supportive.

[PortuguesePrincess80]

Have you both ever gone to counselling together? I think I'm in a very similiar situation as you. They have taken us for granted basically and won't get help..even though they know they will be nothing without us. I am on the brink of moving out myself..and don't want to leave MY house either..but it may be worth it for my own sanity. I think you should leave too...because things will always be swept under the rug...just like here. What these men fail to see is..we CAN be treated better..and live happier without them and yet they still tend to act like this. Depression is probably something they suffer from as well..and I really think this is the case with my spouse too.

All I can say is as much as you don't want to go..you should! You owe this to yourself and your kids.

My man has since been great around the house the last few days after I had a huge blowout with him on the weekend...but I know it's just a temporary thing. He refuses to go to counselling with me either. Oh well...at least we can't say we didn't try right?

[whichwayisup]

((MP)) He's such an ass!!

 

I have no real advice, just stay strong and don't move out. Hold your ground and I guess, just keep the peace. For sanity reasons!

[Ronni_W]

Hugs, mopar crazy.

It sounds unbearable, quite honestly. I think I'd prefer to live in my car than share a roof with someone who treats me like that.

 

Have you consulted with a family/divorce lawyer to find out what your legal options are? Whether it's working towards getting him out of the house, or starting any "wait period" to be able to apply for a divorce, or whatever. And also what you need to be doing as far as finances and such.

 

It's good that you do have family and friends to go to, for temporary refuge/respite from his rage. But I'll send wishes that you can find a way that such won't be necessary for the rest of your life / until HE decides to change things for you.

 

Best of luck.

[mopar crazy]

Thanks for all the replies!

 

WWIU, you've known about my situation for a few years now and you are probably throwing your hands up in the air yelling at me to just leave him, lol!

 

I can't say I don't love him, but I do know I don't love him the way I use to. I know I don't like him very much at all.

 

In his defense he can be a good man, husband, and father, but the bad outweighs the good.

 

Here's example of him being a control freak and TBH, I should have told him to cram it and do what I wanted.

 

He calls me after I get off work and I informed him I'm going to stop by a friends for a few hours and be home. Him and I usually go out on Fri nights but I had to be up extra early this morning and also tomorrow morning so I wasn't going to go out later. He flat out tells me NO, I'm not going anywhere, I'm to come home. I did the immature thing and hung up on him. He text me back that if I go DON'T bother coming home. WTF? Then he sends another text saying I can do what I want but I need to be home to be with the family. Ummmm, excuse me? I did not go to my weekly girls night out this week due to the weather, I went to my brother's for a few hours for supper and a few drinks in which he was invited to go but didn't want to. I get home and my daughter tells me I was home early. He says to her that he told me I couldn't go out, that I go out all the time and need to stay home w/ the family! CONTROL FREAK! I only came home for the simple fact I didn't want to hear him bitching about me going out. I feel like a child! I even texted back and asked him if I could go get a pop and called him dad.

[LakesideDream]

Mopar, I've been reading your stories and your "story" for as long as I've been on LS.... and that's been awhile.

 

There is no reason for you to take the abuse you are when you can seperate yourself for the maddness.

 

Be sure that life won't get easier for awhile, if it ever does. You may be more comfortable though. I suspect you will be more comfortable.

 

Good luck and happiness to you. You have a lot of friends on LS, and many interested parties following your story.

[Ronni_W]

I get home and my daughter tells me I was home early. He says to her that he told me I couldn't go out, that I go out all the time and need to stay home w/ the family!

That part scared me...on behalf of your child(ren). You are teaching your daughter that love looks like this; that women don't count; that she doesn't have the right to self-determine, or to stand up and speak out for her own Self. You're showing her how she can expect to be treated by her future partner(s); and what she ought to put up with.

You're also teaching any sons you may have, how to treat women and what is okay for them to do in their love relationships. It's a little scary to think about...isn't it?

 

I only came home for the simple fact I didn't want to hear him bitching about me going out. I feel like a child!

That's only cos you're acting like one, mopar. That is, acting with little to none self-responsibility or evidence of adult life skills. At least, not that is popping out from your posts.

I'm not judging it. I respect your right and authority to live your own conscious, free will choices and decisions. Just that, one (negative) outcome of your choices and decisions is that you're left feeling like a child.

 

I know it will be difficult. But it would be okay to decide that you deserve much better in life, and to give yourself permission to start going after the peace and happiness that you really do deserve.

[mopar crazy]

Thanks LakeSide and Ronni, your replies are greatly appreciated and I agree with what you said. I HAVE to get out of this. After last night, I really think it was the last nail in the coffin. I can't talk to any of my family, friends b/c I will feel like a total ass.

 

Last night we went out and had a few drinks. He has been drinking again after being sober for 6 years. He's been drinking now for about 2 years I told him I didn't care if he drank but as soon as he looses control and it gets bad again he'll either have to quit again and stay off or I will leave,

 

Well, after last night it has gotten out of control again. We got home at 2:30 am after a night out. I wanted to go 2 hours prior to that as I was exhausted but he didn't want to go so I stuck around. When we got home our teenage daughter was still on the computer. We both told her to get off the computer, get to bed, and she was grounded for being on it so late. I went to bed, H stayed up and argued with her about the pc. I fall asleep and all of the sudden I was woke up by him pulling on my arm dragging me across the bed! Then I feel something hit me in the eye. TBH I don't know if he threw the pillow at me or slapped me in the face as I was sleeping and woke up with him dragging me across the bed. He's yelling at me to come talk to our daughter, she had just kicked him in the "balls" twice and I needed to get up and "deal with it." I take laptop in my room and ask her why she did that. She wont answer me. I tell her to get to bed, we will talk about it in the morning. He comes into the room apologizing for hitting me in the eye, he didn't realize he did that. Yea, right!

 

Dd told me this morning that he hit her and cut her face. She showed me a picture of the scratch. A small scratch but still. That is why she told me she kicked him, in self defense. she took a picture of it on her cell phone.

 

H denies ever hitting her and says she is full of it.

 

I went in into the bedroom to get dressed and he jumps out of bed and he pushes me and tells me to get out of the room. I thought he was going to hit me so I walked away. I kind of wished he would have hit me b/c I would call the police in a heart beat! I'm calling an attorney tomorrow.

He better start looking for an apartment.

[Ronni_W]

Hugs, mopar.

I really do feel for you. But. I gotta ask this, anyway: You "would call the police in a heart beat!" if he assaults you...but not when he does that to your daughter?

Plus. He DID hit you. You felt "something hit [you] in the eye." And he apologized for it so, even if it's not a clear memory for you, it still did happen.

 

If I may, it's way past pulling a power play about who is staying in the house. The violence has started to escalate, and the drinking ain't stopping. Compared with getting him out of your lives, protecting your daughter, and keeping you and yours safe...well, doing an "I'm not leaving, he has to leave" just sounds like (another) not-so-adult decision/attitude. Doesn't it?

 

Yes, yes, yes -- call an attorney FIRST THING in the morning . And then make physical safety and emotional well-being your next priority.

I sincerely hope that you'll find that you do have the law behind you, to be able to change the locks and dump his crap on the side-walk. But, if the law is an ass...then take better measures than forcing yourself and your daughter to stay in that toxic environment with him, just cos of a power struggle. Don't you think?

Very best of luck.

[LakesideDream]

So sorry to hear all of this Mopar. Violence... and worse, the threat of violence should not be tolerated. You should not have to tolerate not knowing if you and the children are physically safe from hour to hour, day to day.

 

You are a bright, and funny woman. I'm sure you have your warts as all of us do, however you are worth much better treatment than you are getting.

 

I can tell you without a minutes hesitation that there are lots of people in the world who would gladly share your life with you, and contribute. You don't need to be treated the way you are.

[ajj]

Mopar,

 

I survived a marriage that was physically, sexually, and emotionally abusive. I'll state outright I'd prefer a punch to my ribs (where the bruises won't show) than deal with the emotional abuse which I came to think of as psychological terrorism any day.

 

In the US some states do allow for a restraining order and an emergency divorce in cases of emotional abuse or when claims of physical abuse were not reported. Call a domestic violence hotline. They can be wonderful resources for referring you to an attorney who specializes in these matters.

 

I would highly suggest that you ignore well-intentioned advice about seeking counseling to save your marriage. Unfortunately, most couples' therapists have little if any training (not to mention common sense) for dealing with emotional abuse. You'll be told to look at your part, made to feel responsible for fixing him, all of which will escalate the abuse. Hearing a professional say that you are in part responsible for his actions will in his mind justify hurting you further as he gets praise for acknowleding any wrongdoing on his part. You've been victimized once and you don't need to be again.

 

Right now you're angry! That's good! Channel that anger. If you're angry, somewhere deep inside, you still know that you're worth fighting for. Absolutely you are. The more you believe that you are worth fighting for, the sake of your children is worth fighting for, the more motivated you will be to save all of you.

 

Take it one step at a time. Break it into little pieces. Don't worry about your parents having to deal with another daughter divorcing. Where have they been anyway while you have been in this hell? Don't worry about dating again or being a co-parent. That will be too much for you. Each day give yourself one job. Today your job is to contact a domestic violence hotline to get suggestions and advice. The next day your job is to follow the adivce. And so forth.

 

Each day you complete your job give yourself lots of praise. Ignore unnecessary information such as peoples' judgements about what you should have done or shouldn't have done or "I told you so!" Because really, what kind of people say that to a woman facing the end of a ten year marriage? Are those the kind of people whose opinions you really value anyway?

 

I wish nothing but the best for you and your children. I know it seems overwhelming now but once you do get him out of your home you will be amazed at how much better life will get.