Chanting and you: How chanting is keeping me from showing how much I care.

[xerofate]

So I had to go to the old house today. It's a wreck. Lots of stuff still to do. almost all the furniture is gone, so I get to go through the stuff that was underneath it. The stuff from everyday life. The forgotten forks, the socks, the magazines.

 

I also got to clean out our old bedroom. The used condom wrappers that got shoved somewhere in a moment of passion. Under the bed, the old linen, the pillows and blankets.

 

I started Chanting. Repeatadly saying the same things over and over, non stop.

 

This is her decision. This is her decision. this is how she wants it. This is how she wants it. She can't have me as a security blanket anymore. She can't have me as a security blanket anymore. This is her decision, not mine. This is her decision, not mine.

 

She texted me this morning, about her cat (she's in the hospital, fairly sick as well. long story, but I found out about the new boyfriend from her new boyfriend and her father.... she was still telling me we were going to take things one day at a time and see where it went... for two months.)

 

This is her decision. this is her decision. She can't have me as a security blanket anymore. She can't have me as a security blanket anymore.

 

Is the Cat ok? Is the cat starving? Are you taking care of the Cat?

 

I asked how she was doing. She told me better. Kidney function is looking better. They are moving her from the ICU to the floor, taking out her central line.

 

I asked how she was feeling. She said tired, and drugged, and upset that she was going to be in the hospital for a few more days.

 

I know her. She hates hospitals. She hates feeling so helpless. She is scared. She doesn't want to be alone, which I told her father, and her new boyfriend. But neither of them put much faith in what I say. So she is there, alone, while her boyfriend is at work.

 

This is her decision. This is her decision. This is how she wants it. This is how she wants it.

 

She's upset, and scared, and worried, and feeling helpless. She is alone, and tired, and sick, and wants someone to talk to about it. Her boyfriend is at work, her dad is unavailable. It's me, or no one.

 

It is not my job to take care of her anymore. It is NOT my job to take care of her anymore. It is NOT MY JOB to take care of you anymore. It is NOT my job to take care of YOU anymore. IT IS NOT MY JOB TO TAKE CARE OF YOU ANYMORE! IT IS NOT MY JOB TO TAKE CARE OF YOU ANYMORE! IT IS NOT MY JOB TO TAKE CARE OF YOU ANYMORE!

 

It is not my job to take care of you anymore.

 

I sit down, and text my reply.

 

"I'm sorry you are upset, but glad you are feeling better."

 

God, oh god I want it to be, but it is not my job to take care of you anymore.

 

And I am so sorry that you chose for it to be this way.

[Angel1111]

I don't really know your circumstances so this may be bad advice - but if you really want her back, then go to the hospital and be there for her. See what happens.

[xerofate]

I tried that. I was barred from seeing her by her new boyfriend who said things like "SHE has TOLD you many times that it is over!"

 

-no, what she told me many times is "I just want to take things slow. I want to see where this leads. I want to focus on our friendship first"

 

"You are KILLING HER."

 

-Really? I'm killing her? Is that why she was begging me to stay with her last night when I took her to her fathers? Why she continuously asked me to sleep in the same bed with her? Why when given the opportunity to finally leave our house and be away from me, she procrastinated, and tried to get us to go do other things?"

 

I won't go into it too much. But in the end, I found out about it from her father, and from him. She continued to tell me they were not a couple, that she wasn't interested in him like that, that they were just friends.

 

I finally had had enough, enough of the he said/she said b.s. So I went through her phone. Found a lovey dovey text messgae from him.

 

Her excuse for lying to me so much, and causing me so much pain? "How do I tell someoen like you that?" and "I should have been able to tell you on my own terms."

 

So no, going to the hospital is definitly not an option. Besides, she KNOWS that if the situation was reversed, I would be by her side right now. Work be damned