temple Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 Hi fellow OWs, Firstly I'd like to say thank you all so much for showing me that I am not alone in my pain. I'll keep this as short as I can and embellish if you need. I've been having an EA for 5 months. 6 days ago (8 days before my MM was going to tell W he would leave her), he broke down. He told me he was confused and didn't realise it would be so emotionally hard for him. He says he needs to find a clean resolution before he can start a new relationship. He wants to break contact with me for a while so he can sort out his head. (Even though he has emailed me every day...apart from today.) He will tell her in 2 days. But what will he tell her? His emails are so cryptic. Both comforting and worrying. It's almost as though he's now changing his decision to be with me which is a HUGE change to how he normally acts. I have seen many similar threads where these reactions generally ignite dropping the OW, but my MM has ALSO told his parents and his brother about me. They are all supportive of us and both parents say they had concerns about him marrying his W. Do you think the fact his parents are supporting the eventual D makes any difference to his decision? I'm worried I will lose him as he feels guilty....
Fallen Angel Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 I would think knowing that he will have the support of his parents and siblings will help him to make the break, but only if that is what he WANTS to do. It sounds as though he is second guessing that right now. My advice would be give him the time he asks for to work it out in his own head. To make a decision without you 'forcing' him. I say this because if you push too hard, he may feel you are too needy and pull away. And if he does divorce because you pushed, he may end up resenting you for it later. (there is a woman who posts here who is dealing with the resentment from her fMM who now says he made a mistake, and wishes he hadn't left his W. ) I would say if he asks for space, give it to him. But let him know you will not just wait around forever while he decides. If he wants time, then during that time, you should date, who knows, maybe by the time he makes up his mind, you won't still be available.
Author temple Posted December 9, 2009 Author Posted December 9, 2009 Thanks so much Fallen Angel, yes I agree with you that I should not be pushy. I guess it's just strange because even though he's said he wanted to take a break until he tells her, he has still emailed every day (REALLY cryptic emails BTW, though actually this is the first day he hasn't responded). Of course, this weeks been pretty hellish WONDERING what on earth is going through his mind.
OWoman Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 Welcome, Temple! I'd agree that the support of his family is important - and the fact that they've expressed support, and raised concerns about him marrying his W, gives him the space to make his choice knowing he won't risk his relationships with them. That said, my H's family hated his xW, supported his break with her when they split the first time (before I'd met him) and encouraged him to find someone better suited... yet he still took her back, despite all the advice of family, friends, and colleagues. So while the support may be helpful, it's not necessarily going to be definitive or drive his decision. It will depend on how ready he is to leave, or not.
whichwayisup Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 It's almost as though he's now changing his decision to be with me which is a HUGE change to how he normally acts. Sorry to say this, but he has every right to change his mind and choose to stay in the marriage, end the A with you. You've been having an affair with him for less than 6 months. You can't expect him to just to up and leave his wife, divorce and start over. How long have they been married? Do they have children? If he leaves, it should be because his marriage isn't working, he's truly unhappy and can't see any reason to salvage his marriage with his wife. but my MM has ALSO told his parents and his brother about me. They are all supportive of us and both parents say they had concerns about him marrying his W. Do you think the fact his parents are supporting the eventual D makes any difference to his decision? I'm worried I will lose him as he feels guilty.... Did he tell you this, or have you actually met and had these conversations with his parents, his brother? Honestly, I find it really cruel of him, the way he's handling this. IF what you say is true, it's just so wrong of him to be doing this to his wife..Soon enough everyone will know and she'll be the 'last' to know. Anyway, at the end of the day, the choice is his and if he chooses to stay married (out of guilt, out of obligation, out of love, out of respect, out of care - Whatever his reasons) then walk away and leave him alone. A less than 6 month EA may not be enough to make him leave, even if he does love you. Another thing, do you believe he's going to break the news to her so close to Christmas?
2sure Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 You found a good place to be. Just remember, like any relationship...base your thoughts on his actions not his words. Believing words alone is one of the HUGE mistakes both OW and OM make when they are having a relationship with a married person. Its the nature of it...because in a secret affair, there are more promises and words than action...so you get used to that. So, dont let his words confuse you - wait and see what he DOES. One thing you mention that I just wanted to note: Unless you have met his family and they acknowledged you and MM were a couple...do not assume they know and approve just based on his words.
torranceshipman Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 I would brace yourself for the very real possibility that he hasn't told his family, and that he will not tell his W it is over in 2 days (which partially explains his cryptic way of communicating in his emails), and his withdrawal from you (it is ok for him when the A is a fantasy but quite another if it has to be made a reality). I do not think he will leave her.
Brokenlady Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 Having his family behind his decision to leave his wife is helpful, it makes your relationship more real and less of a secret. It would probably be given more weight if you had contact with them directly though. I am surprised that he's leaving his M when the EA has only been 5 months and there's been no physical interaction. His asking you for space may be a stall tactic, but if sincere, you will hopefully gain some peace knowing that he carefully assessed his decision and is therefore more likely to be at peace with it. Does he have children? It makes it all the more likely that he's not going anywhere until at least after the holidays. Is he in any type of therapy? Is this relationship long-distance? There's just so many factors to take into account. For your own peace of mind, try to ignore what's going on with him and just casually observe what he's actually doing. Try not to let the emotions of it all disrupt how you live your life. If he doesn't end up leaving, you want to still have a life to go back to. Good luck.
mybrowneyedgirl Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 i think in these relationships no matter what way it goes it is very important to take the time to figure out what you really want. if you choose to end the marriage, you need to do so without the AP in the picture. if you choose the AP. you need to make sure the marriage is over on its own without the other person in the picture. just so you dont leave room to second guess your decision later down the road. now how long to wait? im not sure. if its meant to be it will be. i say this hypocritically though, my xmm taking time to figure out what he wanted...it was just enough for me to see that i wasnt the #1 girl in his life. and made it easier to clearly see my marriage was what i wanted.
Samantha0905 Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 How old are the two of you? I find it odd when adults discuss extra-marital affairs with parents. I don't know why. It just seems odd to me. I was very close to my parents (they are passed away now), but I never discussed my sex life with them and if they were alive I don't think I'd be asking them to support me in an extra-marital affair.
OWoman Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 How old are the two of you? I find it odd when adults discuss extra-marital affairs with parents. I don't know why. It just seems odd to me. I was very close to my parents (they are passed away now), but I never discussed my sex life with them and if they were alive I don't think I'd be asking them to support me in an extra-marital affair. My H did not discuss his "sex life" with his parents. But his father told him directly he should consider finding "someone else" - he did not like the then-W. He then told his father that he had "someone else", and his father asked to meet me. I got on really well with his family, and was warmly welcomed and included. They were really supportive of him through the D, and very excited about our M. I am sure that the intensity with which they welcomed me, and the depth of their dislike for his xW, played a big part in our R developing the way it did.
hopeless4u Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 Hi fellow OWs, Firstly I'd like to say thank you all so much for showing me that I am not alone in my pain. I'll keep this as short as I can and embellish if you need. I've been having an EA for 5 months. 6 days ago (8 days before my MM was going to tell W he would leave her), he broke down. He told me he was confused and didn't realise it would be so emotionally hard for him. He says he needs to find a clean resolution before he can start a new relationship. He wants to break contact with me for a while so he can sort out his head. (Even though he has emailed me every day...apart from today.) He will tell her in 2 days. But what will he tell her? His emails are so cryptic. Both comforting and worrying. It's almost as though he's now changing his decision to be with me which is a HUGE change to how he normally acts. I have seen many similar threads where these reactions generally ignite dropping the OW, but my MM has ALSO told his parents and his brother about me. They are all supportive of us and both parents say they had concerns about him marrying his W. Do you think the fact his parents are supporting the eventual D makes any difference to his decision? I'm worried I will lose him as he feels guilty.... I don't know how sure you are that your MM tells you the truth but if he is then his parents knowing and being ok is a huge bonus IMO. Part of, if not most of my xMM problem is his mother, she dotes on him and for him to leave his M because he is unhappy is unacceptable (she has talked him into staying in the past) if she ever found out about me she would be devastated and he could never live with that guilt no matter who's happiness is affected.
jwi71 Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 Whoa whoa whoa. Have you MET his family? Or has he simply "told you" they know? And if you have met them or have "proof" aside from him telling you...then his family's condoning an A is a HUGE RED FLAG. You just think about it. If he gets "tired" of you, you already KNOW his family will help him cheat on you. They are proving it NOW. That just seems like you are walking into a hornets nest of lies, deceit and deception. If your MM is like most...you will find what he tells you and what "really happens" are not the same. This situation does NOT look good or promising for YOU.
fooled once Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 Hi fellow OWs, Firstly I'd like to say thank you all so much for showing me that I am not alone in my pain. I'll keep this as short as I can and embellish if you need. I've been having an EA for 5 months. 6 days ago (8 days before my MM was going to tell W he would leave her), he broke down. He told me he was confused and didn't realise it would be so emotionally hard for him. He says he needs to find a clean resolution before he can start a new relationship. He wants to break contact with me for a while so he can sort out his head. (Even though he has emailed me every day...apart from today.) He will tell her in 2 days. But what will he tell her? His emails are so cryptic. Both comforting and worrying. It's almost as though he's now changing his decision to be with me which is a HUGE change to how he normally acts. I have seen many similar threads where these reactions generally ignite dropping the OW, but my MM has ALSO told his parents and his brother about me. They are all supportive of us and both parents say they had concerns about him marrying his W. Do you think the fact his parents are supporting the eventual D makes any difference to his decision? I'm worried I will lose him as he feels guilty.... So, IMHO, he isn't leaving. Sorry, but he broke down??? He will tell her in 2 days?
OWoman Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 And if you have met them or have "proof" aside from him telling you...then his family's condoning an A is a HUGE RED FLAG. You just think about it. If he gets "tired" of you, you already KNOW his family will help him cheat on you. They are proving it NOW. That just seems like you are walking into a hornets nest of lies, deceit and deception. I disagree. It's not NECESSARILY anything. It could be that they, like my H's family, disliked his W and hope that he finds someone better - and, hearing that he has, wish him well. What would make the difference is the R Temple actually forms with them - if they're not really interested in her as a person, then yes, perhaps they are just viewing her as the latest product on a conveyor belt, interesting until the next one comes along... But if they are welcoming, warm, friendly and inclusive, it would be very unlikely that they would switch allegiance so painlessly if he "tired" of her. It all depends on the people themselves, and how much integrity they have.
Author temple Posted December 10, 2009 Author Posted December 10, 2009 Dear all, Thank you so much for your advice and for sharing your experiences. I have gone through a range of emotions: anger, sadness, guilt, sorrow... While I have not met his family, he often calls me from their home and I hear them in the background saying hello to me. In a way I agree with jwi71 that they seem to show no loyalty to his current wife which doesn't look too reassuring, but the problem is that the two families do not get on. (BTW, he has no children with her. They're both 30 and I'm 26) I think what I have realised from all this, is that even if he does decide he really wants to be with me, I have a lot of thinking to do myself (as Broken Lady and mybrowneyedgirl say). I don't deserve to be put through all this and if the R starts again then he would definitely have to prove he is with me for the right reasons. Otherwise I'd be worrying all the time that he's constantly on the look out for 'another step up'.
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