Men's Psyche - Question for the guys

[puppydog]

As a result of my breakup, I've been doing a lot of thinking and reading trying to understand relationships and the male psyche. I ran into an interesting concept about men and what might go through their minds as opposed to the ladies. I was talking to one of my guy friends about this and wanted to know what you all think.

 

Here's the link as reference.

 

Let's say the relationship ends.

 

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Men Mask Their Pain

When a guy is dumped, his first reaction is: I'll show her. How he sometimes does it: With a couple pitchers and a night out with the guys. In fact, 26 percent of men say that the dumped party should get drunk with the guys after a break-up, according to a Men's Health online survey. But those beer swillers are actually in the minority: 36 percent say a guy should look at his new ex, smile, and thank her. The thing is, both of those reactions are exactly the same thing-masks for their true feelings. They can't deal with being hurt, or angry, or bummed. It's not until after they get past their initial reaction that men actually mourn the loss of the relationship. Women are more likely to cry soon after the breakup, and they're also more likely to use straight talk when ending a relationship, studies find. So women face their relationship blues head on, and get them out of their systems earlier. Many men tend to repress their reaction, so it lingers like basement mold.

 

Men Have Fewer Friends

One of the reasons why women can get over sour relationships faster than the guys they breaks up with is that women have an amazing network of people to latch on to. Research indicates that men depend on romantic relationships for emotional intimacy and social support, whereas women are more likely to turn to family and female friends to satisfy those needs. Mothers, sisters, friends, hairdressers, cabbies, whoever-the more times she tells the story about what a jerk he was, the better she's going to feel. A man, on the other hand, stays corked. Often he shrugs off a break-up with a shoulder shrug, shoots a Jager shot, and tries to convince himself that he's not upset. That is, until about six months later, at 1AM after the fourth pitcher, when he confesses to his buds that all he ever wanted is for Janelle to take him back.

 

Men Hate Starting Over

After the break-up, a man may feel an initial surge of excitement of future prospects-the women he's yet to meet. But after three, four, or two dozen dates, he realizes that it's going to take a long time to reach the level of comfort he had with his ex. Research conducted at Carnegie Mellon University suggests that women adjust better to the end of a relationship because they've already given consideration to the possibility of a break-up, whereas men are typically unprepared for it. While that sense of emotional security can't be the only reason to stay together, it also makes him realize that he was very lucky to have a woman like her. Meanwhile, she's already moved on. And perhaps the only time he lets his guard down enough to admit the emotional truth is when he's drunk dialing her. And that's too little, way too late.

 

Men Idealize the Dating Game

Many breakups are a knee-jerk reaction to what men perceive as stagnation: He's bored with the same restaurants, the same petty arguments, the repetitive sex. Once he's back on the prowl, he thinks, he'll be bedding 10s and living the high life. After the break-up, however, he quickly realizes that the singles scene isn't all champagne and half-naked strangers--it's work. Instead of the exciting bar scene, he finds that he misses the intimacy of his past relationship. Studies show that women consistently outscore men on measures of social, sexual, and intellectual intimacy--and women are often quicker than men to realize that intimacy provides the foundation of a lasting relationship, not the sexual thrills.

 

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I'm just curious as to how true this rings for you guys. Some of my guy friends have said that even though they realize that they made a mistake of not giving a second chance/breaking up with a girl months down the line, their pride alone would stop them from coming back. In order to be a man, they must stick with their decision.

 

Let's say that she asked you for a second chance and you said no. Obviously when the betrayal of being broken up with fades and the good memories come back, would you ever consider going back for seconds? Obviously at this point the ball's in your court.

 

 

LS is such an awesome resource. Tell me your thoughts.

Edited December 9, 2009 by puppydog

[alphamale]

I'm just curious as to how true this rings for you guys.

yea its pretty true

[Kantor]

Very true, at least for me.

[DudeMan27]

I understand that doesnt apply to EVERY situation, but it could not be more true for me. From the day we broke up I always thought how my ex will get over it in a heartbeat. She has a thousand friends, a gigantic family, lives in a big house with 3 roomates and will never have to spend a minute alone if she doesnt want too. Me on the other hand, I live alone, have a small family with no brothers and sisters, and a small circle of friends I could confide in. I tried so hard to make this an opportunity to work on myself, my confidence, and my looks. But even now, 9 months after the breakup, I can't stand comming home and sitting by myself. So usually I go to this small bar/club I am a member of that I know there will always be people I know there so I can at least have someone to talk to and get her off my mind. But that has led to late nights, and of course drinking. My wallet and weight have taken a hit because of it, and now I feel even worse. Every second I'm home all I can think about is what I could be doing with her and her friends instead of sitting on the couch, night after night alone by myself.

 

And as far as the moving on thing, several girls, including an old ex have expressed interest in seeing me, and I can't even muster up the energy to try. Nothing gets me excited or in a good mood anymore. Even seeing a new girl because nothing gives me that feeling of the first time I saw her.

[TheLoneSock]

Men Mask Their Pain

 

Pretty much. There are many ways to go about doing this, chugging beer and thanking the ex are just two options of a great many.

 

Men Have Fewer Friends

 

Not always the case. I'd say the number is usually about even often times. I am a rarity in that my close circle of boys talk about girls and relationships all the time, so I probably had just as much support for my breakups as my exes.

 

Men Hate Starting Over

 

Correction. Men who haven't had to do it very much hate it. Starting over is just a part of life, men usually recognize this after 1 or 2 bad breakups, and come to accept it. Doesn't mean it's fun, and there is something about watching your sand castle crumble beneath a wave that just SUCKS. But, they can and will always be rebuilt, with another girl.

 

Men Idealize the Dating Game

 

This, like the previous point, is based on experience as well. Those guys that have had to jump back into the dating game after a while know it's not all fun and games. In fact most guys, most people in general actually, despise dating, or atleast aren't not fans of it. There is something to be said about guys being positive about it, it's a natural thing for most men to imagine victory, think positively, and try to make the best of things. Maybe the article confuses positive outlook with idealization.

 

That's my take anyway, hope it helped.

Edited December 10, 2009 by TheLoneSock
typos

[Zeegagge]

Ah man, fortunately I do have some of the most awesome friends anyone could ever ask for. Maybe not a lot, but good friends are way more important than a lot of friends. We live all over the country but that's what phones are for.

 

The only part that really hits me about this is the part about starting over. I really hate starting over to the point where even when I knew things had gone awry (sp?) in my relationship I stuck around just to avoid it. Like the guy earlier in the post was talking about hating not having anyone to talk to or do stuff with, yah, that sucks. Hate it every day, and I miss the comfort we had. Oh well. Instead of drinking at the local club Im trying to fill my time with shallow meaningless flings. Also involves drinking but on the upside, I've gotten way better at Pool!

[sean1970]

I think I hate how true this OP is... Yes, its official, I hate it...