angie2443 Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 I was reading the thread on emotional affair magic and wondering if a husband or wife could really compete with the time and attention another man or woman could give their spouse. I am thinking of a marraige with children and am aware that having no children could change things. I'm also wondering if knowing the limits of a typical spouse when it comes to giving time, attention, ego strokes, etc. help married people from falling for OW/OM. I hope this makes sense. Any thoughts?
Spark1111 Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 yes, Angie, I think we can do it all as married partners, but we both grow complacent and stop doing all those things together because life can intervene and both partners grow....complacent with each other and the relationship suffers. Think back to dating; couldn't wait to see each other, talk to each other, and plan the next fun thing to do together. Think of how fascinated you were with each other. How exciting you made it for each other. One marriage therapy site mandates a couple spend 15 hours weekly together (not including sleep!) The only thing we cannot be to each other is "new," so we have to find ways to grow and bring excitement and newness back to the relationship. That's a challenge for any relationship, IMHO.
Fallen Angel Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 My marriage had been in the garbage for YEARS before my EA started, so there was nothing at that point that my H could have done. However, if I was feeling that my emotional needs were being met by a man in my life, I would never be tempted to embark on such a treacherous journey like that which led to my EA. There simply would have been no opening in my life for another man to fill. It is when a spouse is feeling neglected, feel like something is missing, that they get involved in EAs, trying to fill whatever holes they feel exist. I don't think it is a matter of having kids or not, or having a busy life, but using the time that you DO have wisely. Otherwise affairs (especially emotional affairs) would not flourish like they do. It is not the AMOUNT of time, it is the quality of the time spent that counts. Think about it, most people spend more more actual time with their spouse than they do with their affair partner, yet they feel they are getting their needs met more completely by the affair partner. that is because the affair partner uses the time they have together to focus completely on that one person. It is the little things that count.. Like I said, for me, the fact that My MM remembers the names of the people that I speak about, the fact that he is willing to read a book I am reading, willing to watch that sappy chick flick I loved so much so that he has things to share with me, those are the things that count so much, and those are the things one spouse should be willing to do for the other, to avoid that 'feeling like something is missing' feeling to ever exist in the first place. If you leave no holes in your emotional relationship with your SO, no one else will ever come along to fill them.
Author angie2443 Posted December 9, 2009 Author Posted December 9, 2009 Think back to dating; couldn't wait to see each other, talk to each other, and plan the next fun thing to do together. Think of how fascinated you were with each other. How exciting you made it for each other. One marriage therapy site mandates a couple spend 15 hours weekly together (not including sleep!) . I'm looking at this from the perspective of someone who has four young children. For me and the H, it is a whole differant ball game then it was when we were first dating. Back then, we had all the time in the world. Yes we both worked, but other than that, we had plenty of hours each day to spend together and had plenty to spare for our own activities. I am curious to see how childless couples view this as I do think this changes things. Anyways, I'm still trying to find an hour each night just to relax! Maybe in about 5 years:).
Author angie2443 Posted December 9, 2009 Author Posted December 9, 2009 My marriage had been in the garbage for YEARS before my EA started, so there was nothing at that point that my H could have done. However, if I was feeling that my emotional needs were being met by a man in my life, I would never be tempted to embark on such a treacherous journey like that which led to my EA. There simply would have been no opening in my life for another man to fill. It is when a spouse is feeling neglected, feel like something is missing, that they get involved in EAs, trying to fill whatever holes they feel exist. I don't think it is a matter of having kids or not, or having a busy life, but using the time that you DO have wisely. Otherwise affairs (especially emotional affairs) would not flourish like they do. It is not the AMOUNT of time, it is the quality of the time spent that counts. Think about it, most people spend more more actual time with their spouse than they do with their affair partner, yet they feel they are getting their needs met more completely by the affair partner. that is because the affair partner uses the time they have together to focus completely on that one person. It is the little things that count.. Like I said, for me, the fact that My MM remembers the names of the people that I speak about, the fact that he is willing to read a book I am reading, willing to watch that sappy chick flick I loved so much so that he has things to share with me, those are the things that count so much, and those are the things one spouse should be willing to do for the other, to avoid that 'feeling like something is missing' feeling to ever exist in the first place. If you leave no holes in your emotional relationship with your SO, no one else will ever come along to fill them. I wanted to reply to this, but it's getting hectic here. I'll reply later.
eeyore1981 Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 I was reading the thread on emotional affair magic and wondering if a husband or wife could really compete with the time and attention another man or woman could give their spouse. I am thinking of a marraige with children and am aware that having no children could change things. I'm also wondering if knowing the limits of a typical spouse when it comes to giving time, attention, ego strokes, etc. help married people from falling for OW/OM. I hope this makes sense. Any thoughts? My marriage was crap. My H was not treating me well at all. I thought about ending the marriage many times, but cheating never came into the picture, and it was not because opportunities were not thrown in my lap. I was not being loved, cherished, paid attention to, or made to feel important, and I needed all those things, but I needed them from my H, the man I fell in love with, the man I chose to take vows with and spend the rest of my life with, the man I chose to make and raise children with. How was another man going to meet those needs? But yeah, in the instances where other men were trying to woo me, I can see if I was a shallow person how an OM would have an upper hand. They knew and prepared for when they were going to see me, teeth brushed, hair combed, smelled nice, unlike my H, who I saw with morning breath, just home from days on the road all dirty and stinky, etc. etc. OM are trying to make an impression, so all the focus would be on me, they were interested in me, wanted to be in my company, concerned about my happiness, etc. etc. Plus, since we didn't spend as much time together, it was easy for them to do their own thing on their own time, and reserve the little time they were around me to me and me only. Just didn't work for me. LOL, most of these guys were married, and my thoughts ran along the lines of, "yeah, maybe if you treated your wife the way you treat me, your marriage wouldn't suck so bad." Same thing with OW. Their MM aren't dealing with them after they've spent several nights with no sleep being puked on by MM's child, there are no conflicts over how to parent said child, like if one is too strict or not strict enough, there are no conflicts over finances, MM doesn't have to consult OW about spending $2000 on a deer lease, and she is more than happy to jump in and console him over how he is entitled to spend whatever he wants, because it isn't her money, too, so no skin off her ass. So to answer your question, yes, if a spouse is the kind of person who tends to warp reality, then an OM/OW does have the upper hand. It's a lot easier to tell people what they want to hear when you only have to live it a few hours here and there. It's another thing entirely to do so when you are living it day in and day out, and you have all the other things, like kids, and chores and money issues to deal with as well, which are present in real relationships but can be ignored in fantasy affairland. Of course, OM/OW have to have some major issues they are ignoring to be okay to get involved with someone who is already committed to someone else.
Spark1111 Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 Angie, four kids! Wow! that in and of itself is two full-time jobs! Try date night, or once in a while,a romantic weekend away if you can afford it! Raising babies is the hardest job on the planet. I think the key word is respect; to respect each other's feelings through those crazy years. Also, to try to have sex, no matter how tired you are. Men express their love through sex, and it can take a back seat during those child-rearing years. My WS's affair was with a divorced woman having one child. Her child went to her xH house every other weekend. How onderful for them to be completely alone. I thought hard about that one. I have three kids and an elderly parent living with us. We are never alone. Had I EVER had the house to myself every other weekend, I'd a been running around naked in high heels too! Jeez, it just doesn't seem fair!
PhoenixRise Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 Have you ever seen the Chris Rock movie I Think I love My Wife It is about a man who has an emotional/ nearly physical affair with an old college friend. In one scene the OW takes Chris to a car show...while there she puts him into a shiny red sports car..she helps him imagine himself driving that car and feeling what that feels like..it turned him on. Later he takes his wife and two children to the same car show and the car his wife got excited about was a new mini van... Two beautiful women...two completely different mindsets mostly based on their circumstances...One single with no children the other married with two young children. I don't think it is wrong to crave that passion and fantasy (I do) I can even see how (at times) it could be hard for "real" life to compete...What I don't understand is how CS think they are the only ones who crave that kind of attention...How they think their spouse is perfectly ok living with nothing but reality while they go out and get that passion and fantasy from somewhere else.
NowhereToHide Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 I absolutely believe that a spouse can compete with a OW/OM. But both partners have to want it and make a commitment to putting their spouse first -- making sure they show love, affection... they communicate, they LISTEN. In theory, it sounds like a ton of work. In reality, I personally believe it amounts to staying in the present with your spouse and caring enough about that person to WANT to satisfy their needs, regardless of how "trivial" you may believe them to be. I had an affair. And I don't blame my H for what I did in any way -- it was my decision. I will say, though, that my H and I put everything else before our marriage. For at least the last five years, we put no work, no effort, no focus, no attention on each other. My H works way too much, I emotionally shut down, we focus on the kids and everything else. We are now paying the incredibly heavy price for putting off what we should have been doing all along. I've been asked on here before if my H could have "prevented" my affair. I've always replied an emphatic "NO". But I DO now believe that WE could have prevented my affair. If he and I had woken up to the damage we were doing earlier, I don't think I would have cheated. In many ways, I think if I had maintained a connection with him, I don't think my OM would have had the attraction that he did. I wouldn't have "needed" him.
Fallen Angel Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 (edited) I keep seeing the same theme popping up here. It seems people are convinced that affairs happen in some sort of romantic bubble, and are some how not as 'stressfull' or don't take as much effort to keep 'fresh' as a marriage. That is just simply NOT the case. Both a marriage and an affair are stressful, both require hard work to keep the relationship strong. Being a wife/mother does not mean that you have it any tougher than an AP in the aspect of time managment, and how much or the quality of time to devote to your SO. I think that by using wife/mother duties as an excuse for not making the time for your SO is one of the biggest mistakes a woman can make in the 'competition' you are proposing between OW and BW. I am an OW but the truth is, I am here to help BWs to try to save their relationships if at all possible, so I try to be as honest as possible with the other's perspective. I am sorry if it sounds mean, but I really think that saying 'four kids, no wonder.. he should be more understanding' is what gets women to this position, and a woman who wants to save her marriage needs to stop playing the martyr. (I am really not trying to be mean, just telling it like it is.) The truth is, I have three children. 16, 11 and 6. My house is constant chaos. Three kids, and all the events, and friends over, and temper tantrums (my six yr old is a handfull) and sibling fights that come along with the territory. My affair is not conducted in some sound proof romantic bubble. It is not conducted in hotel rooms and romantic restraunts. It is not all flowers and candy and sweet slow love making in front of a fire in a log cabin in the woods. It takes place in my home, in between chorus practice, ROTC drill meets, and dance recitals. It is conducted at the dinner table with a whiny sick child, and another who is angry that he was grounded for back talking. It is conducted in a bedroom that with a pile of dirty clothes in the corner, in a kitchen with dirty dishes piled in the sink, and a bathroom with an over-flowing plugged up toilet. It is conducted with midnight trips to the grocery store because someone forgot that tomorrow is their day to bring snack to school. It is him helping me wash the dishes. It is him sitting for hours helping my son with his history homework. It is him crawling out of bed, and driving to the store at midnight to get cupcakes for 28 kids to soothe the tears of a heartbroken 6 year old. It is him helping me balance what is left in the checkbook and running by the cell phone place to pay the bill I forgot to pay on time. It is him cooking dinner for me because i have a headache while I take a nap. It is him calling to see what I need from the grocery store on his way back from work (toliet paper, milk, and cigarettes are a good guess.) It is having a fevered six year old sleeping between us because we were worried her fever might spike up again during the night. But it is also me putting the kids in their rooms with a dvd an hour earlier than their normal bedtime so that we get a little bit of peace. It is setting the alarm clock for an hour before we really have to get up so that we have an extra hour of cuddle and talk time. It is him calling me on a five minute break at work to tell me that he is missing me. It is me taking the time to put on makeup everyday. Him waking up and going straight to the bathroom and brushing his teeth so his morning kisses taste sweet. It is me REALLY listening when he wants to talk about his bad day at work. It is me telling him the things I appreciate about him. It is saying please, and thank you. It is all the things that are simple and don't require much time, but mean so much. If you have the time to post on this site about how things are falling apart, then you have the time to start to fix whatever is broken. Make a mid-day phone call to leave a message telling him how much you love, and miss him while he is gone earning the money to take care of you and the kids. Tell him that you appreciate the sacrifices he makes for you. Tell him you desire him, that you miss his touch, that you miss his kisses. It really is not too much for him to ask, and it really is not too much for you to do, and when you do, you will get the same kind of affection in return. Try rather than to blame him for all the things he has done wrong that day, to focus on what it is that he did right. The fact that he took the garbage out, so that you didn't have to. The fact that he remembered to stop and pick up the butter and eggs you were out of. If you want to save your marriage, all it takes is for you to be willing to see that it is not just you that contirbutes, you just contribute different things. But that is just my opinion. Edited December 9, 2009 by Fallen Angel
hopeless4u Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 I was reading the thread on emotional affair magic and wondering if a husband or wife could really compete with the time and attention another man or woman could give their spouse. I am thinking of a marraige with children and am aware that having no children could change things. I'm also wondering if knowing the limits of a typical spouse when it comes to giving time, attention, ego strokes, etc. help married people from falling for OW/OM. I hope this makes sense. Any thoughts? My xMM's children are 23 and 19 but still play a huge part in his decisions. He used to say I was lucky because I got all the good bits and I think thats true to a point. I was married so understand the washing, cleaning, pressures of bills and not to mention mens toilet habits:sick: It's not till you fall in love with your AP that the lonely nights kick in and believe me they are hell! I agree with FA on this, we OW do not have it easy once we have fallen for these guys. (I'm sure that will piss people off but not asking for sympathy so don't bother having a go at me I just won't respond) I feel so frustrated sometimes, when he gives all the excuses and says he just can't hurt everyone it takes so much control not to just knock on his door and say 'hi, I'm his mistress now make him deal with it'
hopesndreams Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 They can compete but why would they? It would be less painful to dump their azz and him to go to the OW. Freedom! It's so sweet.
Author angie2443 Posted December 10, 2009 Author Posted December 10, 2009 If you have the time to post on this site about how things are falling apart, then you have the time to start to fix whatever is broken. Make a mid-day phone call to leave a message telling him how much you love, and miss him while he is gone earning the money to take care of you and the kids. Tell him that you appreciate the sacrifices he makes for you. Tell him you desire him, that you miss his touch, that you miss his kisses. . Who's this addressed to? Actually, I don't think that most people on any of these boards take that much time to post here. Maybe a few minutes here and there, that's all.
Fallen Angel Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 (edited) Who's this addressed to? Actually, I don't think that most people on any of these boards take that much time to post here. Maybe a few minutes here and there, that's all. I was referring to a general YOU, not you specifically. And that was kind of my point, it doesn't take a lot of time to make that all important phone call to let him know you are thinking about him. Most of MMs and my 'love notes' (voice mails) are passed back and forth while one or both of us are at work, and we have only a moment to call and say, "I was thinking about you, and loving you in this moment, just wanted you to know that." Less than 45 seconds, and that includes waiting for his voice mail to pick up, listening to his message, and pressing the button to leave my message. But when I have a moment to check MY voice mail, and there are those sweet little messages from him, that let me know he was thinking of me too, it makes me feel so good. It doesn't take a lot of effort, just consistent effort. It may have been me that left the first ever 'thinking of you' message, but in the last two years, he has definately been the one who more consistently leaves them for me. (Effort on MY part = effort on HIS part) Edited December 10, 2009 by Fallen Angel poor english skills UGH!!!
skylarblue Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 That’s sad. A W having to compete for HER H with the OW. Not that I’m pitying the BW (in most cases I’d say they’re partly to blame), but on the surface it just sounds kinda f*cked up to me…My A is PA only and I don’t approach in your “typical” PA manner. It may seem like I’m competing with his W, but I’ve never thought of it that way. For his W to compete she would have to know about me, therefore, putting her on the same playing field. It’s hardly a competition when she’s just going about everyday wife/mother responsibilities not even aware and I’m getting all “dolled up” for the “you’re so great” role, pulling out all the stops. Besides, I’ve only started affairs just to prove I could get the MM. The only “competition” I ever saw was my looks versus his M vows, so for me I’ve already “won”. I guess I’d equate it more to my own personal game where mentally I’m “scoring points” against the W, but again I never think of it as really competing. Probably, because I don’t want her H; she automatically “wins”. I think a W can “compete” with the OW if the M isn’t already permanently broken, but not in the sense of WvsOW. In the sense that her and her H should work on their M to repair it sans the OW. I think a W should always act like she "competing" against other women in general because in a way she is. I don’t understand what you mean by if knowing the limits of a typical spouse when it comes to giving time, attention, ego strokes, etc. help married people from falling for OW/OM.
jwi71 Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 Its impossible to compete with the OM/OW. The BS has ZERO chance. I am speaking in generalities here...no one specific comes to mind. I felt a need to say that upfront. And yes...I'm a BH. Just for starters, there is a breakdown in the WS as it pertains to the M. Something, and its individual in scope, depth, breadth and duration for all WS, is missing/unsatisfied. For this post, it doesn't really matter what "it" is...just that it is unmet (or perceived as such). This breakdown is IN the M...that is, its partly the fault of the BS and partly the fault of the WS. Most WS will paint the BS as "bad, unloving, cold, etc" and themselves as "faultless victim". Since the WS views the breakdown solely in terms of "victim" the BS MUST be to blame. And no fault resides with the WS...they are the "victim"...they had no choice, they were driven to it...pick your justification. As I think and see the world, this behavior of assigning blame to the BS is a severe handicap in this "competition". With an unhappy WS "blaming" the BS..how can he or she compete? Secondly, its validating for anyone to feel special. To feel wanted. To "be on the pedestal". Damn, I like it when the coffee girl says I look good. Who wouldn't? Now, take that "special" feeling and combine with a WS who is unhappy. It has a magnifying affect - perhaps disproportionately so. How can the BS compete with that high attributed to the OM/OP? Third...the BS has history. There are perhaps years of history and not all of it good. A history of vomiting children, bills, stress, crises, and all the other crap life throws at us...there have been fights and arguments and hurt feelings and wounded pride. The OM/OW...none. Only good. Only dates. Only best behavior. Rarely do people in the beginning of any R (or A) let the ugly side show. That takes time. Not stolen moments and weekends...but day in and day out time and exposure. Ever wonder why some BS call it a fantasy and not real...its because the OM/OW isn't there 24x7x365 year after year. The OM/OW is...well perfect with no ugly side (of course its there, we all have one...its just not shown itself yet). How can the BS compete with "perfection"? The BS has less than zero chance. Too much history, too much is the BS's fault and the OM/OW is "too good".
White Flower Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 My marriage was crap. My H was not treating me well at all. I thought about ending the marriage many times, but cheating never came into the picture, and it was not because opportunities were not thrown in my lap. I was not being loved, cherished, paid attention to, or made to feel important, and I needed all those things, but I needed them from my H, the man I fell in love with, the man I chose to take vows with and spend the rest of my life with, the man I chose to make and raise children with. How was another man going to meet those needs? But yeah, in the instances where other men were trying to woo me, I can see if I was a shallow person how an OM would have an upper hand. They knew and prepared for when they were going to see me, teeth brushed, hair combed, smelled nice, unlike my H, who I saw with morning breath, just home from days on the road all dirty and stinky, etc. etc. OM are trying to make an impression, so all the focus would be on me, they were interested in me, wanted to be in my company, concerned about my happiness, etc. etc. Plus, since we didn't spend as much time together, it was easy for them to do their own thing on their own time, and reserve the little time they were around me to me and me only. Just didn't work for me. LOL, most of these guys were married, and my thoughts ran along the lines of, "yeah, maybe if you treated your wife the way you treat me, your marriage wouldn't suck so bad." Same thing with OW. Their MM aren't dealing with them after they've spent several nights with no sleep being puked on by MM's child, there are no conflicts over how to parent said child, like if one is too strict or not strict enough, there are no conflicts over finances, MM doesn't have to consult OW about spending $2000 on a deer lease, and she is more than happy to jump in and console him over how he is entitled to spend whatever he wants, because it isn't her money, too, so no skin off her ass. So to answer your question, yes, if a spouse is the kind of person who tends to warp reality, then an OM/OW does have the upper hand. It's a lot easier to tell people what they want to hear when you only have to live it a few hours here and there. It's another thing entirely to do so when you are living it day in and day out, and you have all the other things, like kids, and chores and money issues to deal with as well, which are present in real relationships but can be ignored in fantasy affairland. Of course, OM/OW have to have some major issues they are ignoring to be okay to get involved with someone who is already committed to someone else. So many things true in this post except OPs being being shallow and warped. Most I know are none of these things and still ended up in an A. Needs are being met whether physically or emotionally and most would agree that those needs were always persued withing the M first. Angie2443, I don't believe a BS has the need to compete with the OP. Most of the time they're not even on the same playing field. I never saw my A as a competition and I'm sure MM didn't either.
eeyore1981 Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 So many things true in this post except OPs being being shallow and warped. Most I know are none of these things and still ended up in an A. Needs are being met whether physically or emotionally and most would agree that those needs were always persued withing the M first. Angie2443, I don't believe a BS has the need to compete with the OP. Most of the time they're not even on the same playing field. I never saw my A as a competition and I'm sure MM didn't either. BBM We can just agree to disagree on this point. Having a bad marriage and not having physical and emotional needs met, even after trying everything you can think of to fix it, is not exclusive to cheaters. There are quite a few of us, myself included, who have been through every bit of this and still managed to stay faithful. I've heard time after time by cheaters how they are only human, well, so am I. As far as the competition aspect, I will not now nor ever compete for my H. If he ever strays again, we are done. We 'chose' each other when we said our vows, and I found it insulting shortly after his affair when he told me he chose me. You don't get to keep deciding on who you want after you marry someone. You either want that person, or you end it with them and allow them the same opportunity you are allowing yourself, to find someone else. That's a part of why these people sneak around instead of ending their marriages and then going on with the so-called 'love of their lives'. They are afraid their spouse will find someone better than them, someone who makes them happier than they did, someone who is better sexually than they are, and their fragile little egos can't take it. So they lie, and pretend like all is well, so their spouse will not go out and find someone else just like they did. As far as the OPs, they think they have won something, but they haven't won anything. If their relationship was put out in the open, 99 times out of a hundred, their relationship is over. And they act so surprised, after they have been with a MP 1 year, or 5 years, or however long, and they have convinced themselves they have something special, when the MP is STILL with their spouse.
2.50 a gallon Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 I sort of agree with jwi71. But also circustances will have a lot to do with it. I did not have much experience with pursuing MW, I much more preferred newly divorced ladies. But there came a time that two of my co-workers husbands insulted my manliness, and my response was to go after their wives. It took me 3 and 6 weeks to have a ONS with their wives. It might have been sooner but that was the first time the H left town for the weekend. Neither of the ladies were looking outside of their marriage. And if they were to explain it I'm sure they would have said "It just sort of happened" The truth was I had long been a co-worker friend with their W's and had listened to what they had to say. The second key was that both of the ladies liked to dance and the H's did not. H is goes out of town, they saw it as a chance to go out dancing. A little dancing, a little alcohol, and it just sort of happened. But it was more than that, by listening, I knew what they wanted to hear, where their H was lacking, such as listening to them, complimenting and appreciating them. Their sex lives were no longer new, their H's were taking them for granted, and they both beleived that their H's no long thought that they were sexy. The H on the other hand had no idea that a predator was lurking so blindly went on with his life. As far as I know, the H never knew that his wife had a ONS.
Untouchable_Fire Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 I was reading the thread on emotional affair magic and wondering if a husband or wife could really compete with the time and attention another man or woman could give their spouse. I am thinking of a marraige with children and am aware that having no children could change things. I'm also wondering if knowing the limits of a typical spouse when it comes to giving time, attention, ego strokes, etc. help married people from falling for OW/OM. I hope this makes sense. Any thoughts? Just based on what I've seen. Wives compete very well with OW. I don't hear about many guys leaving a wife for the mistress. I think most men, myself included realize exactly whats going on as it happens. When a woman signs up to be a mistress it typically has nothing to do with the man involved. It makes you feel great for a while, but in the back of your mind you know that it's not about how great you are... it's about how mentally damaged she is. On the other hand... I don't see husbands competing well at all. Whether the wife leaves or not often depends much more on the OM. WW don't seem to be in touch with reality at all... it's all fantasy land until the world starts to crumble.
OWoman Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 Just based on what I've seen. Wives compete very well with OW. I don't hear about many guys leaving a wife for the mistress. I think most men, myself included realize exactly whats going on as it happens. When a woman signs up to be a mistress it typically has nothing to do with the man involved. It makes you feel great for a while, but in the back of your mind you know that it's not about how great you are... it's about how mentally damaged she is. Thanks. I'm mentally 1000% fine, so not to worry. (And, BTW, my H did dump his xW for me, so he clearly shares my diagnosis.)
Author angie2443 Posted December 10, 2009 Author Posted December 10, 2009 But there came a time that two of my co-workers husbands insulted my manliness, and my response was to go after their wives. It took me 3 and 6 weeks to have a ONS with their wives. It might have been sooner but that was the first time the H left town for the weekend. . You and me have something in common. Once in high school and again in college, I slept with a guy simply because their girlfriends had hurt or insulted me. I won't say what it was about. It was an immature way of dealing with them and I would never do something like that again, but a part of me feels they deserved it
Author angie2443 Posted December 10, 2009 Author Posted December 10, 2009 Third...the BS has history. There are perhaps years of history and not all of it good. A history of vomiting children, bills, stress, crises, and all the other crap life throws at us...there have been fights and arguments and hurt feelings and wounded pride. The OM/OW...none. Only good. Only dates. Only best behavior. Rarely do people in the beginning of any R (or A) let the ugly side show. That takes time. Not stolen moments and weekends...but day in and day out time and exposure. Ever wonder why some BS call it a fantasy and not real...its because the OM/OW isn't there 24x7x365 year after year. The OM/OW is...well perfect with no ugly side (of course its there, we all have one...its just not shown itself yet). How can the BS compete with "perfection"? ". I'm glad you posted this. This is more on the lines of what I was thinking about when I posted. I wasn't very thorough in my first post. I was thinking of how living with someone for years, building a life together, sharing the stresses of life, and going through the ups and downs of life changes a relationship. If you have kids or other responsibilities in life, you can't look and smell perfect 100% of the time. You can't act perfect as much as when you just see someone a couple of times a week. Somewhere along the line, you're going to want something your partner doesn't and it is going to cause conflict. Your partner can't tell you how wonderful you plans (assuming those plans are in conflict with what they want) are because they'll experience the consequences of those plans if you follow through on them. These are the things I was thinking about when I wondered if a H/W could compete with an OW/OM.
Untouchable_Fire Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 Thanks. I'm mentally 1000% fine, so not to worry. (And, BTW, my H did dump his xW for me, so he clearly shares my diagnosis.) I was speaking generally.
Untouchable_Fire Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 I'm glad you posted this. This is more on the lines of what I was thinking about when I posted. I wasn't very thorough in my first post. I was thinking of how living with someone for years, building a life together, sharing the stresses of life, and going through the ups and downs of life changes a relationship. If you have kids or other responsibilities in life, you can't look and smell perfect 100% of the time. You can't act perfect as much as when you just see someone a couple of times a week. Somewhere along the line, you're going to want something your partner doesn't and it is going to cause conflict. Your partner can't tell you how wonderful you plans (assuming those plans are in conflict with what they want) are because they'll experience the consequences of those plans if you follow through on them. These are the things I was thinking about when I wondered if a H/W could compete with an OW/OM. I tend to think it depends on the person, and how they share their lives. Only a fool would expect perfect harmony in a relationship. If not constantly having that drives them to find someone else... Sharing those things in life should create an emotional bond stronger than anything. Even the hard times should be positive in the end. Do you really believe that people get so stuck in some kind of fog that they cannot see the truth? If that is true then who wants those people? They are dysfunctional as humans.
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