acac2323 Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 What is it specifically that the OM tells someones W to get them hooked? What is she missing? My W said just day to day conversation and attention she craved...Is that all it is? I have a hard time believing that. 20 hours of phone calls in a month and over 2000 text messages? According to my wife I am a great husband and father. She felt like I didnt think she was sexy. Above average sex life, good love making we get along well. I never saw it coming. Ladies, what does the OM tell you that keeps this going?
Fallen Angel Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 For me, it really was just day to day conversation and honest affection. He cared about the things I said, remembered the names of the friends and co-workers I spoke about, and made sure I knew he was really listening. He cared about my opinions, and asked for advice occasionally and even sometimes acted upon my advice. he read books I was reading. He told me I was smart, and funny. He laughed at my jokes, and comforted me when I cried. If I was having a bad day he said he was sorry, and it was heartfelt. That was before I realized it was an EA.. we were just friends.. but that is what made me fall in love with him.
RedDevil66 Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 For me, it really was just day to day conversation and honest affection. He cared about the things I said, remembered the names of the friends and co-workers I spoke about, and made sure I knew he was really listening. He cared about my opinions, and asked for advice occasionally and even sometimes acted upon my advice. he read books I was reading. He told me I was smart, and funny. He laughed at my jokes, and comforted me when I cried. If I was having a bad day he said he was sorry, and it was heartfelt. That was before I realized it was an EA.. we were just friends.. but that is what made me fall in love with him. This is pretty much the same reasons I had an affair on my ex of 11 yrs. I really loved him, but he ignored me and pretty much took me for granted. There was a man who made me feel alive again. It was no excuse to cheat, but at the time, that is all I knew how to do to feel alive. My BF now also has a hard time showing me any affection and this time I won't cheat, but I'm probably not going to stay in the relationship much longer. He will lose me then wonder why. I tell him why all the time. Pay attention to your wife. Treat her like you're still dating. Bring her flowers, tell her she's beautiful and cherish her. Women are precious!
Brightmoon Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 For me, it really was just day to day conversation and honest affection. He cared about the things I said, remembered the names of the friends and co-workers I spoke about, and made sure I knew he was really listening. He cared about my opinions, and asked for advice occasionally and even sometimes acted upon my advice. he read books I was reading. He told me I was smart, and funny. He laughed at my jokes, and comforted me when I cried. If I was having a bad day he said he was sorry, and it was heartfelt. That was before I realized it was an EA.. we were just friends.. but that is what made me fall in love with him. Yup!! Exactly this. The EXACT SAME thing!
Happy Guy Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 Yup!! Exactly this. The EXACT SAME thing! It starts so innocently with no talk of sex or anything that feels like cheating and over time an emotional bond is formed and before you know it a triangle is formed. Funny thing is if the emotional affair turned into a commited relationship or marriage with kids,money and so on both parties woukld very easily take each other for granted and let go of all those caring niceties that attracteed you in the beggining. Take time and start talking to the one you are with and treat him as if he were the emotional lover.It may take time but he may recipricate.good luck!
delirious Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 For me, it really was just day to day conversation and honest affection. He cared about the things I said, remembered the names of the friends and co-workers I spoke about, and made sure I knew he was really listening. He cared about my opinions, and asked for advice occasionally and even sometimes acted upon my advice. he read books I was reading. He told me I was smart, and funny. He laughed at my jokes, and comforted me when I cried. If I was having a bad day he said he was sorry, and it was heartfelt. That was before I realized it was an EA.. we were just friends.. but that is what made me fall in love with him. ditto He listened, he looked at me like I was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. And he made me feel like I was. We fall in love with people not just for how we like them but for how they make us feel.
angie2443 Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 What is it specifically that the OM tells someones W to get them hooked? What is she missing? My W said just day to day conversation and attention she craved...Is that all it is? I have a hard time believing that. 20 hours of phone calls in a month and over 2000 text messages? According to my wife I am a great husband and father. She felt like I didnt think she was sexy. Above average sex life, good love making we get along well. I never saw it coming. Ladies, what does the OM tell you that keeps this going? I was thinking about this last night. I'm going to say right now that I don't think a spouse can compete with an outsider (an outsider to the family, home, etc) when it comes to making the other spouse feel good. My husband has a friend who seems to have a crush on me. I only see him about a couple of times a month and don't really flirt with him so it isn't really a threat. At the same time, this guy is always taking my side whenever my H and I have a minor disagreement. A couple of nights he and some other people were over and everyone talked about what they were doing for Christmas. My husband and I are spending Christmas with his family again. I had wanted to do it with mine, but he won out on this one. Anyways, his friend told me in private that it didn't seem fair, rubbed my back for a bit, and kissed me on the head. It made me feel better, and I can see where his apparent empathy could make me look at my H in a negative light. However, I'm fully aware that his friend can be more sympathetic with me because he doesn't have competing interest with me. He can say a situation isn't fare to me because he will not be affected by the situation's outcome either way. It doesn't matter to him one way or the other where my H and I spend Christmas. He can tell me that I should take more time for myself because if I do, he isn't going to be affected by it. He isn't going to have to give up his time to watch 4 kids so I can go have fun. He can give me plenty of attention because there are no stresses (bills, decisions reguarding the kids, etc) between us and so it is often more relaxed between us. I'm really starting to ramble. Sorry for that. I guess what I'm trying to say is, you can't compete with another man in certain ways, and your wife needs to understand this.
stuckinoz Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 For me - It was the attention I craved. The other man & I talked for hours - about everything & nothing. Yes, he made me feel desirable. The fact that he did 'seem' to truly care about my wellbeing, how my day was, how was I doing. When my spouse didn't seem to care about anyone or anything at the time but himself. When it grew into a PA - my AP seemed to desire me like my husband never did. Now....4+ years removed from the situation - I realize that most of the "Feelings" were the whole newness of him. After being married 20++ years - something/someone new in my life was really about the extent of it. (This happens with men as well as women - so you could add "What is it men, that the OW said to you?")
Spoiled Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 For me, it really was just day to day conversation and honest affection. He cared about the things I said, remembered the names of the friends and co-workers I spoke about, and made sure I knew he was really listening. He cared about my opinions, and asked for advice occasionally and even sometimes acted upon my advice. he read books I was reading. He told me I was smart, and funny. He laughed at my jokes, and comforted me when I cried. If I was having a bad day he said he was sorry, and it was heartfelt. That was before I realized it was an EA.. we were just friends.. but that is what made me fall in love with him. Same here.
eeyore1981 Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 I was thinking about this last night. I'm going to say right now that I don't think a spouse can compete with an outsider (an outsider to the family, home, etc) when it comes to making the other spouse feel good. My husband has a friend who seems to have a crush on me. I only see him about a couple of times a month and don't really flirt with him so it isn't really a threat. At the same time, this guy is always taking my side whenever my H and I have a minor disagreement. A couple of nights he and some other people were over and everyone talked about what they were doing for Christmas. My husband and I are spending Christmas with his family again. I had wanted to do it with mine, but he won out on this one. Anyways, his friend told me in private that it didn't seem fair, rubbed my back for a bit, and kissed me on the head. It made me feel better, and I can see where his apparent empathy could make me look at my H in a negative light. However, I'm fully aware that his friend can be more sympathetic with me because he doesn't have competing interest with me. He can say a situation isn't fare to me because he will not be affected by the situation's outcome either way. It doesn't matter to him one way or the other where my H and I spend Christmas. He can tell me that I should take more time for myself because if I do, he isn't going to be affected by it. He isn't going to have to give up his time to watch 4 kids so I can go have fun. He can give me plenty of attention because there are no stresses (bills, decisions reguarding the kids, etc) between us and so it is often more relaxed between us. I'm really starting to ramble. Sorry for that. I guess what I'm trying to say is, you can't compete with another man in certain ways, and your wife needs to understand this. LOL, I just responded to your thread and said pretty much what you are saying here. You realize this and I realize this, and I must admit I am staggered at the amount of people who seem oblivious to it. My H had his aha moment on this after having an affair, and he is pushing 50. I knew this sh*t when his good friend was hitting on me all the way back when we were dating, at the tender age of 19, and I've retained this knowledge through the many men over the years who have attempted to play their little games and get involved with me. There are cases where a person makes a big mistake in a marriage partner, and goes out, genuinely falls in love with someone else, and that relationship endures for all eternity, but those cases are rare. Most A's are pretty pathetic on both sides, married and other, and when it comes out, everyone gets hurt.
angie2443 Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 LOL, I just responded to your thread and said pretty much what you are saying here. This thread is why I posted my other thread. I'm just wondering how much the husband gives to his wife, how much should the average husband (or wife) give, and how much the wife expects.
NowhereToHide Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 For me, my xAP SAW me. My husband stopped truly seeing me years ago. He basically ignores me... I hold little interest for him unless he is horny and wants to have sex. Don't underestimate how powerful it can be for someone to get attention again after not having it for so long. I think for some of us, we don't even realize what is missing until someone actually starts to give it to us. I've said this before.... I don't really believe it takes that much overall effort to keep a marriage solid. It takes effort, sure, but not a monumental one. It's just taking some time out to focus on one another. But for some marriages, it just doesn't come that easy.
Planofool Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 The man my wife racked up thousands of minutes talking to would have told her anything she wanted to hear. It took me along time to convince her that he had one thing on his mind, and every time she talked to him he felt like he was getting closer to the reward that he wanted. I don't care what anybody says, I will never believe any different.....he wanted to have sex with her more than anything else that came up in their conversations.
Meatballsmom Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 (edited) Planofool You know your are right. Me I have never had an EA, but several of my co-workers have. We woman like to talk, and on more than on occassion my co-workers have hashed over the actions of the OM. Most came to the conclusion that they had been duped, when they started hearing some of the same lines that the OM had fed them. As it turned out several of the lines that the OM had fed them were almost exact copies of each other. Especially when the OM subtely hinted that their H's no longered found them to be sexy. The sad joke was that they concluded there must be an OM play book out there that we women don't know about. As sometimes it was line for line over a whole conversation that was almost totally alike, especially as the OM gently slowly steered them to jumping from the EA to a PA. They had thought it was their idea to take the big step into a PA. After comparing notes they came to the realization that the OM had only made them think it was their idea. The OM got what he wanted, and moved on leaving them struggling with a broken marriage and family. Edited December 10, 2009 by Meatballsmom missing word
allhopelost Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 (edited) Planofool The OM got what he wanted, and moved on leaving them struggling with a broken marriage and family. Sad but true. It makes my stomach churn. Hopefully at least one of the BH's left the OM struggling in other ways as well. Edited January 3, 2010 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Meaplus3 Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 What is it specifically that the OM tells someones W to get them hooked? What is she missing? My W said just day to day conversation and attention she craved...Is that all it is? I have a hard time believing that. 20 hours of phone calls in a month and over 2000 text messages? According to my wife I am a great husband and father. She felt like I didnt think she was sexy. Above average sex life, good love making we get along well. I never saw it coming. Ladies, what does the OM tell you that keeps this going? Well, my OM or should I say xmm feed me a bunch of sweet talk. Made me feel like I was the greatest person on earth. He knew I was having issues in my marriage and took full advantage of that fact. And since I was so unhappy.. I was hooked. He made me feel good at the time and filled a BIG void in my life. That's how it went for me anway. Mea:)
Untouchable_Fire Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 What is it specifically that the OM tells someones W to get them hooked? What is she missing? My W said just day to day conversation and attention she craved...Is that all it is? I have a hard time believing that. 20 hours of phone calls in a month and over 2000 text messages? According to my wife I am a great husband and father. She felt like I didnt think she was sexy. Above average sex life, good love making we get along well. I never saw it coming. Ladies, what does the OM tell you that keeps this going? Do you really think it's about the OM? Like your wife is some poor innocent victim. This guy never owed you anything, your wife did. Put the blame were it belongs friend. So long as you live thinking this guy is just the worlds greatest huckster... you will live in ignorance.
Author acac2323 Posted December 11, 2009 Author Posted December 11, 2009 You are doing everything a great spouse should...I hope he sees that soon...I had the same compete issues as I am overseas, how can I compete with the om at homefront...Frustrating
OliveOyl Posted December 11, 2009 Posted December 11, 2009 Well not sure where my online affair fits in, whether one would call it an EA or a PA or what... it is completely 100% online but also has some sexual aspects too... But quite simply? The OM pays attention to me. A lot of attention to me. When he's online, he's online *just for me*. Sad but true, I spend more time with the OM than my H. Although the online medium is naturally very limited, I've gotten to know him well over the course of well over a year and a half. He makes me feel wanted... *me*... not for how caught up on the laundry I am, nor for my ability to balance the checkbook... With H, our conversations have to do with our low-functioning autistic son, our teenage daughter, the house, money, meals, bills. Never does H say I look sexy even on the occasions I do dress up. It's never just about us it's always about the "family." It's not all H's fault I definitely take some responsibility. But family comes first for H, not the marital relationship. I have been thinking if I do ever leave the M, I will not get into another M, and maybe not even live with another man again. Because the same thing would end up happening... getting caught up in the day-to-day drudgery of kids, chores, bills, etc. Whereas if I simply date and keep it on that level, a dating relationship would hopefully stay focused on us.... not all that other stuff. I'd rather have a few dates a week where I get to spend one-on-one time with someone than living ongoing with H... as ships passing each other in the night. Yes H and I have gone on date nights, etc. but we just can't seem to pull ourselves out of the "chores/responsibilities/parenting" roles. Those roles seem very entrenched.
2.50 a gallon Posted December 11, 2009 Posted December 11, 2009 (edited) allhopeislost walk with broken kegs Different time period, my high school graduating class took a direct hit by the Vietnam action, it seems like 10 per cent of my graduating class found them selves serving over there. Many had married their sweethearts, and when it became evident that a wife was being unfaithful, the OM would be warned once. If he did not take the advise persons unknown would throw a blanket party, and the OM would be left badly beaten, with several blows to the groin with a baseball bat. After the swelling went down, and sometimes the testicale would have to be removed, they no longer functioned. Edited December 11, 2009 by 2.50 a gallon
Scrivdog Posted December 11, 2009 Posted December 11, 2009 You are doing everything a great spouse should...I hope he sees that soon...I had the same compete issues as I am overseas, how can I compete with the om at homefront...Frustrating As mentioned in another thread, you can compete by quitting your job and coming back home. That's really the only way. LDR's don't usually end well after 6 months much less a year.
Author acac2323 Posted December 11, 2009 Author Posted December 11, 2009 Scriv, I make over 200K a year in my career field...If I quit, do you suggest I work at Lowes? I have 60 days left here. My W said she is over with the OM and can easily wait til Feb to carry on our new adventure we found while I was home in Nov...Quitting my job is not an option. If it does start up again and she does leave I have decided that I am comfortable with myself to move on. I love her and want the best for her. I will fight for her, but for now all seems to be well.
Scrivdog Posted December 11, 2009 Posted December 11, 2009 (edited) Scriv, I make over 200K a year in my career field...If I quit, do you suggest I work at Lowes? I have 60 days left here. My W said she is over with the OM and can easily wait til Feb to carry on our new adventure we found while I was home in Nov...Quitting my job is not an option. If it does start up again and she does leave I have decided that I am comfortable with myself to move on. I love her and want the best for her. I will fight for her, but for now all seems to be well. Hey, there's nothing wrong with that. Just be honest with yourself and admit that you prefer the 200K job - even if it risks losing your marriage and that you'd rather be divorced than work another job. That's the choice you're making. Just don't blame her for reaching out to someone who is more available to her than you want to be. Edited December 11, 2009 by Scrivdog
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