GroupFitness Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 When people quote statistics and tell you that more couples who co-habitate end up divorced than not. They are usually too stupid to research why that is. How did you arrive at that conclusion? what are the reasonings behind that statistic? Don't just spew out numbers and not be able to back up your claim. Couples who co-habitate are generally less socially conservative hence the decision to co-habitate in the first place. These are usually people who don't have moral issues with cohabitation, and even less with divorce. So when they shack up, and the relationship unravels, they have no qualms about leaving either pre or after marriage. Other couples who co-habitate do it hoping it will lead to a marriage that wouldn't have happened either way. Women are mostly guilty of this, they move-in with a guy with the hope that it will lead to marriage. The guy on the other hand usually has no intentions of marrying them even before they move-in together. After years of badgering and pressure, he eventually relents, they tie the knot but divorce is quick to follow because this was a relationship that was doomed way before cohabitation set in. Those two reasons are why the statistic is skewed against cohabitation. Living together itself has absolutely nothing to do with the prediction of a lasting marriage. The people in the relationship are the sole predictors of a lasting marriage. People who adamantly refuse to cohabitate are more conservative in their thinking so much so that they are less likely to seek divorce even if their marriage is miserable. People need to remember the difference between a HAPPILY married couple and a married couple. Many marriages are hell and they just pay lip service to society. Personally, I think they should be included in calculating the divorce rate.
Author Kristie16 Posted December 9, 2009 Author Posted December 9, 2009 Have you asked your brother why he moved in with his gf instead of getting engaged and marrying her? Is he doing this as a compromise, or to put her off from the marriage talk? Has he considered marriage at all? The both have tons of law school loans, like hundreds of thousands of dollars, so he says they save money by living together and then they're too broke to get married right now. They are pretty poor right now, but I asked him one time when he does plan on getting married and he seemed kine of freaked and said at least not for a few years. I'm not sure what her thinking on the situation is, though.
TheWooWooKid Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 cohabit cohabited cohabitation cohabiting cohabitant cohabiter
abd Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 I'm currently cohabiting, and I don't think I can recommend it to you. On the positive side, you do learn a lot more about a person by living with them for an extended period of time. You also learn a lot about yourself, and about sharing spaces and responsibilities, etc. It's much different than just having a roommate. But there are a lot of negatives. From my perspective, as a man, I feel like I've lost a lot of independence. I guess that comes with the territory in any serious relationship, but it's much more apparent when you live with someone and come home to them every day. I am also an introvert and really like my "alone time", and I don't get as much of that as I used to. From my SO's perspective, she has basically told me that if she knew what she knows now when we decided to move in together, she wouldn't have done it. She's told me that she thought we were moving in with the presumption that we would get engaged within the year. I've since made it clear that I am not ready to get engaged, and she feels cheated. She's said that cohabitation gives me all the benefits of marriage (which I guess in her mind means sex?), and she's worried that now I don't have any incentive to get married. (Incidentally, I think we probably have sex less frequently now than when we were living separately - currently less than once a week on average.) Another big negative is the question of what happens if things go south. What if you're halfway through your lease and you decide you need to break up? Breaking a lease isn't the end of the world, but it's also not going to be easy or fun. If you do decide to do it, I second the poster who talked about being clear on what's happening financially. My SO and I agreed on a monthly budget that includes all of our shared expenses (rent, utilities, groceries, car insurance, cable/internet, gas, laundry, and "fun"); we each contribute half of the total to a joint bank account every month. But I don't think you should look at cohabiting as a "compromise" between marriage and just being in a serious relationship. A compromise might be getting engaged but not setting a date? At least getting engaged in theory moves you closer to marriage. I think for many people just moving in doesn't mean moving closer to marriage, and in fact can end up moving you away from it.
Author Kristie16 Posted December 9, 2009 Author Posted December 9, 2009 I'm currently cohabiting, and I don't think I can recommend it to you. On the positive side, you do learn a lot more about a person by living with them for an extended period of time. You also learn a lot about yourself, and about sharing spaces and responsibilities, etc. It's much different than just having a roommate. But there are a lot of negatives. From my perspective, as a man, I feel like I've lost a lot of independence. I guess that comes with the territory in any serious relationship, but it's much more apparent when you live with someone and come home to them every day. I am also an introvert and really like my "alone time", and I don't get as much of that as I used to. From my SO's perspective, she has basically told me that if she knew what she knows now when we decided to move in together, she wouldn't have done it. She's told me that she thought we were moving in with the presumption that we would get engaged within the year. I've since made it clear that I am not ready to get engaged, and she feels cheated. She's said that cohabitation gives me all the benefits of marriage (which I guess in her mind means sex?), and she's worried that now I don't have any incentive to get married. (Incidentally, I think we probably have sex less frequently now than when we were living separately - currently less than once a week on average.) Another big negative is the question of what happens if things go south. What if you're halfway through your lease and you decide you need to break up? Breaking a lease isn't the end of the world, but it's also not going to be easy or fun. If you do decide to do it, I second the poster who talked about being clear on what's happening financially. My SO and I agreed on a monthly budget that includes all of our shared expenses (rent, utilities, groceries, car insurance, cable/internet, gas, laundry, and "fun"); we each contribute half of the total to a joint bank account every month. But I don't think you should look at cohabiting as a "compromise" between marriage and just being in a serious relationship. A compromise might be getting engaged but not setting a date? At least getting engaged in theory moves you closer to marriage. I think for many people just moving in doesn't mean moving closer to marriage, and in fact can end up moving you away from it. So does that mean you guys didnt really discuss why you were moving in together, you just were? On your end, what was your reasoning for wanting to live together? And are you now just going to stick it out because you are together?
norajane Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 The both have tons of law school loans, like hundreds of thousands of dollars, so he says they save money by living together and then they're too broke to get married right now. They are pretty poor right now, but I asked him one time when he does plan on getting married and he seemed kine of freaked and said at least not for a few years. I'm not sure what her thinking on the situation is, though. A few years, huh? You'll be seeing his gf on Loveshack with a "we've been living together 3 years, together for 5, and act like married couple...why won't he propose????!" thread then.
b52s Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 When people quote statistics and tell you that more couples who co-habitate end up divorced than not. They are usually too stupid to research why that is. How did you arrive at that conclusion? what are the reasonings behind that statistic? Don't just spew out numbers and not be able to back up your claim. Couples who co-habitate are generally less socially conservative hence the decision to co-habitate in the first place. These are usually people who don't have moral issues with cohabitation, and even less with divorce. So when they shack up, and the relationship unravels, they have no qualms about leaving either pre or after marriage. Other couples who co-habitate do it hoping it will lead to a marriage that wouldn't have happened either way. Women are mostly guilty of this, they move-in with a guy with the hope that it will lead to marriage. The guy on the other hand usually has no intentions of marrying them even before they move-in together. After years of badgering and pressure, he eventually relents, they tie the knot but divorce is quick to follow because this was a relationship that was doomed way before cohabitation set in. Those two reasons are why the statistic is skewed against cohabitation. Living together itself has absolutely nothing to do with the prediction of a lasting marriage. The people in the relationship are the sole predictors of a lasting marriage. People who adamantly refuse to cohabitate are more conservative in their thinking so much so that they are less likely to seek divorce even if their marriage is miserable. People need to remember the difference between a HAPPILY married couple and a married couple. Many marriages are hell and they just pay lip service to society. Personally, I think they should be included in calculating the divorce rate. Actually, if you Google it...you'll find out the why....just didn't feel like posting all the info here, too many links.
abd Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 So does that mean you guys didnt really discuss why you were moving in together, you just were? On your end, what was your reasoning for wanting to live together? And are you now just going to stick it out because you are together? We definitely discussed it, but I think it our discussions were either more geared towards practical things - would we get along living together, money issues, etc. - or just being excited about the idea. In hindsight, I think we would have been better off if we had sat down and had a serious discussion about why either of us wanted to, what we thought it meant or implied, what our expectations were, if we thought it was a good idea in general and for us, etc. I don't mean to say that we didn't talk about it, but I think it's easy to get excited about the idea of living with a person you really like, and just assume that it's not a big deal. Don't forget that it IS a big deal - really, it should probably be as big of a deal as getting engaged. It's certainly more "real" than getting engaged, since getting engaged doesn't necessarily mean you'll get married (or it might be years off), whereas moving in happens to you now. Also, I think we kind of fell into thinking that it just "made sense". We were both moving to the same new city, we both didn't really know too many people there, we had been dating for more than a year and things seemed great. I think that she was the one who originally brought it up, but I was happy to go along with the idea for quite a while. When I did start to have reservations, I usually didn't express them. The one time I did, she ended up yelling and in tears. In hindsight, I probably should have stuck to my gut feeling right then - that this wasn't the best idea for us at the time. As for things now, I kind of waver between trying to give it my all and make things work, and between feeling suffocated and thinking I should bolt. I also have 7 months left on a lease.
Author Kristie16 Posted December 10, 2009 Author Posted December 10, 2009 We definitely discussed it, but I think it our discussions were either more geared towards practical things - would we get along living together, money issues, etc. - or just being excited about the idea. In hindsight, I think we would have been better off if we had sat down and had a serious discussion about why either of us wanted to, what we thought it meant or implied, what our expectations were, if we thought it was a good idea in general and for us, etc. I don't mean to say that we didn't talk about it, but I think it's easy to get excited about the idea of living with a person you really like, and just assume that it's not a big deal. Don't forget that it IS a big deal - really, it should probably be as big of a deal as getting engaged. It's certainly more "real" than getting engaged, since getting engaged doesn't necessarily mean you'll get married (or it might be years off), whereas moving in happens to you now. Also, I think we kind of fell into thinking that it just "made sense". We were both moving to the same new city, we both didn't really know too many people there, we had been dating for more than a year and things seemed great. I think that she was the one who originally brought it up, but I was happy to go along with the idea for quite a while. When I did start to have reservations, I usually didn't express them. The one time I did, she ended up yelling and in tears. In hindsight, I probably should have stuck to my gut feeling right then - that this wasn't the best idea for us at the time. As for things now, I kind of waver between trying to give it my all and make things work, and between feeling suffocated and thinking I should bolt. I also have 7 months left on a lease. Bolt as in move out and stop the the relationship or just move out?
abd Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 Bolt as in move out and stop the the relationship or just move out? I've considered both... but I don't really think it would be possible for me to move out and stay in the relationship.
norajane Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 In hindsight, I think we would have been better off if we had sat down and had a serious discussion about why either of us wanted to, what we thought it meant or implied, what our expectations were, if we thought it was a good idea in general and for us, etc. I think a lot of people who move in together fall into this trap. Expectations aren't spelled out and agreed upon, or even if they are to some degree, one or both walk away from the discussion thinking, "well, we'll see what happens." Even if they agree 100% on the why's and the expectations, perspectives can change over time. Living together is hard work and requires a lot of togetherness and compromise and maturity. If you go into it without the commitment of marriage - the commitment that you really, truly with all your heart will spend the rest of your life with this person because they are your life partner and that you will do what it takes to support and protect the relationship - it becomes tempting and easy to think about walking away when the excitement wears off and the reality of sharing space and sharing lives kicks in. With the commitment first, then you have to figure it out and make it work, because you know this is your life partner and you're in it together, come hell or high water. Without the commitment, it's easy to look at your partner and think maybe you don't want to commit because, damn! look how hard it is to live together! It's easier to blame the relationship and believe the relationship isn't working, instead of being determined to do whatever you have to do to protect the relationship and keep it together. For example, you mentioned feeling smothered. I understand this because I have that tendency. Thing is, you'll feel smothered by anyone in your space if you don't have alone time and a space of your own and a life of your own that isn't joined at the hip with your gf. It's not particular to this woman. So, are you committed to the relationship? If you are, then you would do everything possible, to figure out a compromise together that will give you the breathing room you need without her feeling like you don't like being around her. If you are not committed to the relationship, yeah, it's very tempting to walk away because you can. Instead of dealing with the underlying issue of how much space do you really need and why do you feel so smothered, and the issue of why does she feel like you always want to withdraw and get away from her, and working it out so that you are both more comfortable, you fall into the habit of thinking, this isn't working! We've tried everything! Leaving is the only answer! If you were committed to the relationship, you'd feel like there is always something more you can both do and you haven't tried everything, because being together is more important than anything else. (I'm not saying this is your situation...just using it as an example). Also, I think we kind of fell into thinking that it just "made sense". We were both moving to the same new city, we both didn't really know too many people there, we had been dating for more than a year and things seemed great. I've always thought moving in together for "practical" reasons is not a good enough reason to move in together. If you hadn't been dating, you'd still have moved there and would still have needed to find your way somehow. And you would have. You always have the option of moving in together, but you can't step back without ending the relationship once you've done so. Who knows? Had you established your lives in the new city before moving in, maybe you wouldn't feel so smothered now.
mem11363 Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 Do not move in without a defined time table for marriage or moving out. And agree up front WHO has to move out if marriage is not happening. And don't get played. A fixed time to get engaged and a fixed time for the duration of the engagement. Avoid the engaged to be engaged. I'm still on the fence about living together before marriage, but do you think some guys ask their SOs to move in as a way to put off the marriage talk?
Rudderless Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 I don't actually know anyone that's gotten married before cohabiting. I don't actually know anyone in a parent-child relationship where they have to do things like lay down boundaries about finances or whatever. Seems a little odd that if you have a lack of trust for your partner you'd consider marriage a way of fixing it.
Recommended Posts