Kristie16 Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 I'm still on the fence about living together before marriage, but do you think some guys ask their SOs to move in as a way to put off the marriage talk?
TaraMaiden Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 Possibly, but moving in together can be fraught with problems, unless you safeguard your own personal security and finances. When you're married, everything is simpler. When you're single but cohabiting, you should lay down extremely clear guidelines and agreements on who is responsible for what, financially. Rent, amenities, household bills, furnishing, food, necessities, everything. Keep accounts separate, but have a household account you both pay into, directly drawn from your personal bank accounts, in equal amounts. So while your thoughts about primary motivations hinge on romance and commitment - think on the above, as well.
MadDriver Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 (edited) Let me preface by saying that I do not have any experience co-habitating with a gf. From a guy's point of view though, the loss of freedom is offset by the promise of regular sex. I think it's a very good deal for the guy... he's got someone to effectively assume the role of the wive, but none of the contractual/marital responsibilities. As a matter of fact, it's such a good deal for the guy that I'd advise most females to NOT accept such arrangements... Statistics also show that most co-habitating couples do not eventually marry. (I know, I know, you're thinking "I'm not a statistic! I'm the exceptional one-in-a-million who be will be the exception to the rule!"). There must be a balance of "forces" for the relationship to work ("power" is just not the right word). Marriage has been institutionalized across many cultures, across many ages, because that is one way to stabilize the male/female forces. Co-habitation tips the scales on his favor -- thus it is out of balance. If he is unwilling to marry now, co-habitation will not change that later. (It is entirely possible that he will choose marriage to you later on -- but that will be caused by factors OTHER than co-habitation). Edited December 9, 2009 by MadDriver
SoulSearch_CO Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 I'm still on the fence about living together before marriage, but do you think some guys ask their SOs to move in as a way to put off the marriage talk? In short: Yes.
WTRanger Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 I'm still on the fence about living together before marriage, but do you think some guys ask their SOs to move in as a way to put off the marriage talk? Just to play Devil's advocate, perhaps some guys do this as a way to see if the girl is the one he will marry. Because when you live together, there isn't much personal space or freedom. All of your quirks become annoying. Fights become more intense. Maybe the guy is wanting a dry run to see if this will really work? Sort of a try before you buy sort of deal. Granted, marriage further changes things too. Or, he just wants regular morning and night sex.
New Again Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 From a guy's point of view though, the loss of freedom is offset by the promise of regular sex. I think it's a very good deal for the guy... he's got someone to effectively assume the role of the wive, but none of the contractual/marital responsibilities. As a matter of fact, it's such a good deal for the guy that I'd advise most females to NOT accept such arrangements... Statistics also show that most co-habitating couples do not eventually marry. (I know, I know, you're thinking "I'm not a statistic! I'm the exceptional one-in-a-million who be will be the exception to the rule!"). In short: Yes. What they said. But, in regards to agreeing with MadDriver, I'm a cynic.
InspiredbyYou Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 Possibly, yes. So the solution to that is get engaged first. If you are engaged then living together seems like reasonable next step before you actually tie the knot. Most people are engaged for at least a good 6 months before they are married and by the point you actually get engaged, you will know enough about each other that living together will make perfect sense.
TheWooWooKid Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 Tell him that you are willing to live together but not willing to cohabit. The lack of sex until married may speed up the marriage talk.
JerseyShortie Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 Yes, I think usually. My older brother always tells me to NEVER move in with a guy before marriage. He's looking out for me.
New Again Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 (edited) About 75% of cohabiters plan to marry their partners. - "Cohabitation in the United States." Annual Review of Sociology. 55% of different-sex cohabiters do marry within five years of moving in together. 40% break up within that same time period. About 10% remain in an unmarried relationship for five years or more. - "Cohabitation in the United States." Annual Review of Sociology. These statistics are from 2000 though. I think they're probably different 10 years later, but haven't found any yet. Either way, I personally would not be willing to give myself a 5year time frame of living with someone, after dating him for a year or more before moving in together, just on the hope that he'll propose eventually. I'm getting too old for that if I want to have kids. Also, supposedly couples who cohabitated with each other before getting married are more likely to divorce in the US and UK. Edited December 9, 2009 by New Again
carhill Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 OP, to look at it from another angle, how would you respond if your SO declined to live together or cohabit prior to marriage? Given your personal situation, TBH, I'd be looking for a guy who sets those kinds of boundaries. I say that because it is easy, when desiring something so much, to 'tip over' and ignore important signs of relationship health, something so important for a LTR or marriage.
torranceshipman Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 Co-habitation tips the scales on his favor -- thus it is out of balance. If he is unwilling to marry now, co-habitation will not change that later. (It is entirely possible that he will choose marriage to you later on -- but that will be caused by factors OTHER than co-habitation). Although this of course assumes that the ultimate goal of females is M, rather than the altogether healthier goal of a) enjoying the simple act of being able to spend so much more time together and b) as a great test run to really get to know the person before embarking on a monumentally life changing decision such as M, which should not be taken lightly!!!
dreamergrl Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 I think it's better to live together prior to marriage. You learn a lot about a person when living together.
carhill Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 I'll mention at this juncture that the OP is still a virgin and apparently was raised in a no sex until marriage household.....
Miss Right Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 ... perhaps some guys do this as a way to see if the girl is the one he will marry. Because when you live together, there isn't much personal space or freedom. All of your quirks become annoying. Fights become more intense. Maybe the guy is wanting a dry run to see if this will really work? Sort of a try before you buy sort of deal.. I agree...it's the way I've always looked at it, but of course, it's not always the case. Like most of what's being said on here, some men probably do use it as a way to get-it-on-a-regular w/o making it official.
bluewolf17 Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 Yes, I think usually. My older brother always tells me to NEVER move in with a guy before marriage. He's looking out for me. Cute! Older brothers are the best. I feel the same way, while I would love to live with my boyfriend, and we talk about it a lot, we both agreed we would want to at least be engaged first. To answer the OP, it's all about you. What do you feel comfortable doing? Go with that, and don't be afraid to just flat out ask him.
JerseyShortie Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 He has his moments Blue. BTW, I like your avatar picture.
freestyle Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 I think it's better to live together prior to marriage. You learn a lot about a person when living together. I've always had this outlook myself. IMO< you never really know someone until you live with them. OTOH, I don't think it's a good idea to 'shack up", unless there's a mutual desire for a permanent outcome. I see nothing wrong with doing a "trial" period to see if both parties are truly compatible.
norajane Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 Been there, done that and would never do it again. You give up too much of your freedom, and it requires so much hard work. Why put yourself through that if you aren't committed to each other in marriage?
Author Kristie16 Posted December 9, 2009 Author Posted December 9, 2009 I'll mention at this juncture that the OP is still a virgin and apparently was raised in a no sex until marriage household..... I did grow up in a house where it was IMPLIED I would fall in love, get engaged, marry, then sex and living together. I dont really believe that pattern anymore, but it is still somewhat ingrained in my mind at times. My brother (27) is living with his gf of two years and my parents refuse to tell my grandmother that thats the case. They were not happy about it. It's one of those family issues. I think personally I wouldn't be able to cohabitate before marriage having grown up and been raised the way I was.
b52s Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 I'm still on the fence about living together before marriage, but do you think some guys ask their SOs to move in as a way to put off the marriage talk? I read a lot of articles on the internet of how, if a couple that co-habitated BEFORE getting married...the marriage ended up in divorce (sometimes faster than the relationship lasting)
norajane Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 My brother (27) is living with his gf of two years. Have you asked your brother why he moved in with his gf instead of getting engaged and marrying her? Is he doing this as a compromise, or to put her off from the marriage talk? Has he considered marriage at all?
Johnny M Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 From a guy's point of view though, the loss of freedom is offset by the promise of regular sex. I think it's a very good deal for the guy... he's got someone to effectively assume the role of the wive, but none of the contractual/marital responsibilities. As a matter of fact, it's such a good deal for the guy that I'd advise most females to NOT accept such arrangements... Statistics also show that most co-habitating couples do not eventually marry. (I know, I know, you're thinking "I'm not a statistic! I'm the exceptional one-in-a-million who be will be the exception to the rule!"). This is quite possibly the most ridiculous thing I've ever read on this board (and that's saying something).
Johnny M Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 On a side note, I find it amusing how desperate some women are to push a man into marriage. Why would you want to marry someone who is reluctant to do so in the first place? Must be the huge insecurity over the status of being an unmarried woman.
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