chino Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 I have been married for less than two years now. more than half of it has been dealing with her back injury. We did not have sex or anything during this time. Finally, she had back surgery about 5 months ago and let me tell you that was hell. I kept saying to myself that things are going to get better. She could not walk without my help. oh, she could not even wipe her own ass. I can go on and on, but that is not issue. I love my wife, but for the past year she has been really hard to live with. OH! no sex! She will not even hold my hand. I still try to keep my cool and continue to to the things I feel is right for our marriage. I can tell that my wife hates me. I can not ask her anything without causing an argument. I can not do anything right. She is only nice to me when I am working on the house or she needs something. About Four months ago she started to act wierd, almost like she just turned off her emotions. We still play the role of a married couple like dinner, vacation on thanksgiving etc. (no contact though). If I even touch her she pulls away, if I try to hug her, she finds a reason to move. I also would like to say that for the past few weeks I have been telling her that I feel the tenson and hate that she has for me. she did not respond. It is amazing how wonderful I thought this woman was. ok.........back on track. This is way I am writting to everyone seeking advice. She is out of town for business so I am here watching her dog and working on the house. I was looking for a paper pad to write on, so I checked her computer carrier bag. I found a pad with notes she took from an attorney back in july. She has already scheduled appointment to discuss filing for a divorce. She has not said anything to me about thinking about filing. All this time I have been working on improving her house (purchased before marriage) I mean not just paint an wall here and there. I feel like a real fool! I do not what I should do or act now. Part of me wants to tell her I know and **** off, but there is also confusion. I knew there was something going on, but I could not put my finger on it. I am really lost. Thinking about it, everything makes perfect sense. She has been preparing to file. I am not sure what the lawyer said, but I know that she is getting everything in order. WOW, what a slap in my face. I could continue to write all night long........... Holidays are coming and she are going to her families house for X-mas and New Orleans for New Years. I do not know if I should act as if I do not know or what. this marriage has been a nightmare. Everything that could go wrong has. How do am I suppose to react to this? I am sorry if ther are spelling and grammer errors. I am in a bad state right now.
TaraMaiden Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 It's very simple. You consult your own lawyer, and slap papers on her for unreasonable behaviour before she does it to you. Oh, forget Christmas and everything else... You think life is ever going to be 'normal' again? I've had chronic, debilitating back pain, and I know it can make you cranky, but this isn't it..... Get out, move out as much of your stuff as you can, and do it to her before she can do it to you. Really. Now. What are you waiting for - ?!?
Author chino Posted December 9, 2009 Author Posted December 9, 2009 GOOD QUESTION! I am still in shock!
TaraMaiden Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 Well remember that every minute you spend with your chin dragging on the floor, is a minute wasted. Don't waste another second. Really. Get motivated, get active and do something to safeguard your finances, your property and your rights. You've spent all this time being her primary carer. Safeguard that. You've spent all this time doing everything for her. Safeguard that. get out of shock and into action..... hop to it!!
nobmagnet Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 What a slap in the face indeed!! Her behaviour has been disgusting to say the least. Do you think she has been waiting until she no longer needs your help and then file??? holy c*ap!! Please get in first. If the marriage has been rubbish anyway then you will be in a better place. Dont wait for her to serve the papers your marriage is a sham. She has made it a sham. Get a lawyer and quick. Forget crimble.........serve the papers as a christmas prezzie!!! Dont waist another second on this selfish horrible seeming woman. my heart goes out to you love x
Ronni_W Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 (edited) I do not know if I should act as if I do not know or what. this marriage has been a nightmare. Everything that could go wrong has. How do am I suppose to react to this? Well...likely you're going to react in all sorts of ways, some in conflict with the other, right? Anger, relief, sadness, fear, confusion, etc. And perhaps also feeling just plain glad that there appears to be an end to this "nightmare" on the horizon...and also pissed off that you didn't get to the lawyer's office first. Anything can and will happen, as far as your emotions are concerned. However it goes, is normal and perfect. The only thing I can pretty much guarantee is that it will feel like a tangled mess. I think. Why not tell her that you found her notes? And then, depending on what YOU want: (a) that you agree a divorce is necessary, so you can both start working towards that in the New Year --OR-- (b) ask her if she's open to trying marriage counseling first. I get that this is about you, and that you've been suffering greatly due to causes totally outside of your own direction and control. But... If you could spare a moment to consider what your wife has had to endure because of her back injury -- not just the physical pain and disability, but the mental-emotional trauma of being completely helpless and dependent on you, especially; but also on all her other caregivers. The indignity of having to ask for her ass to be wiped; the loss of self-esteem, self-worth and basic independence; the knowledge of being a burden instead of a contributing, supporting partner. It's a long list that can be inserted here, and much of it would be unique to her experience. You could ask, she might be able to tell you some of it. You could suggest that maybe some loss/grief counseling or individual therapy would be beneficial for her...regardless of how the marriage plays itself out. I'm sorry that you and your wife have had to go through all of this. Sometimes it just feels like "life ain't fair", doesn't it? Hugs, and best of luck to you both. Edited December 9, 2009 by Ronni_W
BUENG1 Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 I have been married for less than two years now. more than half of it has been dealing with her back injury. We did not have sex or anything during this time. Finally, she had back surgery about 5 months ago and let me tell you that was hell. I kept saying to myself that things are going to get better. She could not walk without my help. oh, she could not even wipe her own ass. I can go on and on, but that is not issue. I love my wife, but for the past year she has been really hard to live with. OH! no sex! She will not even hold my hand. I still try to keep my cool and continue to to the things I feel is right for our marriage. I can tell that my wife hates me. I can not ask her anything without causing an argument. I can not do anything right. She is only nice to me when I am working on the house or she needs something. About Four months ago she started to act wierd, almost like she just turned off her emotions. We still play the role of a married couple like dinner, vacation on thanksgiving etc. (no contact though). If I even touch her she pulls away, if I try to hug her, she finds a reason to move. I also would like to say that for the past few weeks I have been telling her that I feel the tenson and hate that she has for me. she did not respond. It is amazing how wonderful I thought this woman was. ok.........back on track. This is way I am writting to everyone seeking advice. She is out of town for business so I am here watching her dog and working on the house. I was looking for a paper pad to write on, so I checked her computer carrier bag. I found a pad with notes she took from an attorney back in july. She has already scheduled appointment to discuss filing for a divorce. She has not said anything to me about thinking about filing. All this time I have been working on improving her house (purchased before marriage) I mean not just paint an wall here and there. I feel like a real fool! I do not what I should do or act now. Part of me wants to tell her I know and **** off, but there is also confusion. I knew there was something going on, but I could not put my finger on it. I am really lost. Thinking about it, everything makes perfect sense. She has been preparing to file. I am not sure what the lawyer said, but I know that she is getting everything in order. WOW, what a slap in my face. I could continue to write all night long........... Holidays are coming and she are going to her families house for X-mas and New Orleans for New Years. I do not know if I should act as if I do not know or what. this marriage has been a nightmare. Everything that could go wrong has. How do am I suppose to react to this? I am sorry if ther are spelling and grammer errors. I am in a bad state right now. First thing is make sure you have access to funds to defend yourself. Often lawyers will advise the spouse to clean out the accounts.
mark982 Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 first thing i'd do is stop the banging nails stuff! gots a feeling that she's waiting for you to be done with all the repairs,then slam you with papers. make sure you got finances in order.
phineas Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 Who's name is the house in? If she is out of town, how long before she gets back? Move out the valuable stuff that is yours first. I personally would tell her over the phone I know she is planing to divorce me & see what she says & does.
deux ex machina Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 Consult a lawyer. Take a list of questions with you, and follow their advice. Immediately get everything in order. Timing is important, so don't wait.
Author chino Posted December 11, 2009 Author Posted December 11, 2009 Who's name is the house in? If she is out of town, how long before she gets back? Move out the valuable stuff that is yours first. I personally would tell her over the phone I know she is planing to divorce me & see what she says & does. She has returned........I called a few lawyers today. There are no appt. Until next year. I am playing it kool for now She does not know that I know yet. WOW........what a evil person. This sucks trying to acted like it is ok. I am trying to be smart now. I would like to thank all for the input........please continue.
nobmagnet Posted December 11, 2009 Posted December 11, 2009 the power is all yours now. information is king my freind. You hold all the cards in my oppinion. hugs xx
mark982 Posted December 11, 2009 Posted December 11, 2009 you're going to have to be real smart now.and somehow make sure that she doesn't know you post here.
silic0ntoad Posted December 11, 2009 Posted December 11, 2009 Get all your finances together. All your money. Get papers filed and defend your actions. Slap her with unreasonable actions straight away. Do it before she does it to you.
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