xerofate Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 Ok. So I am in an awkward situation. My Ex also happens to be the mother of my child. I want to reconcile with her, but I know I can't make her come to me, I can only push her away. Right now, she is very sick in the hospital. We broke up two months ago, but have been living with each other up until 1 day before she went into the hospital, where I learned she had a new boyfriend that she had lied to me about continuously. I want to initiate NC. I've got my parents on board (I'm living with them for now, as they are having serious money issues), and they are willing to do whatever it takes to help me. But what is the difference between NC and the silent treatment? I'm afraid she will see me as being petulant and childish if I don't at least send her a text once a day to say "How you doing?" or something. She is the mother of my child, after all. The last thing I would want is for her to think that when she was sick, I was being a selfish prick for not seeing if she was ok. I'm freaking out about this, if you can't tell. I don't want her to hate me, she is the mother of my child, and right now I am trying to think of the best thing for both me and my little girl. What should I do, please, anyone help me!
WTRanger Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 NC is for you to heal. The silent treatment is being an ass-hat. NC is no contact, but at the same time if the other person does contact you then you can respond using your best judgment. You are just being civil and engaging in this human thing we do called communication. The silent treatment is where you ignore everything, even when you know you shouldn't. The silent treatment is the absence of communication in all forms and on all levels. Now, what should you do? It depends on why you want to check in on her. If you want to check in on her because you are concerned for her health and to see if you can do anything for your daughter while she is sick, then cases like these are where NC becomes an idiotic game. If you want to check in on her in the hopes she thinks you are incredibly sweet and she'll run back to you, then you are doing it for selfish and heavy handed reasons. If this is the case, then it is better to maintain NC. Because you are only being nice so you can benefit. So which is it?
Author xerofate Posted December 9, 2009 Author Posted December 9, 2009 moot point: she contacted me about our cat, of all things. She's doing better. I was honestly worried about her. I was with her for 3 years, and she is the mother of my child.
silic0ntoad Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 I don't care if she's mother Teresa. Don't contact her. Unless it's about your child, have no talks, texts, phone calls, emails, nothing with her. In every capacity beyond "The woman that gave you your son/daughter" she should now be dead to you. Think of it like a business deal. You ONLY talk to her about the business, the child. Otherwise, its as if she never existed.
TaraMaiden Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 And you are the father of her child. if you didn't want to hear from her, other than to deal with something to do with your daughter, it would p1$$ you off to keep hearing from her, wouldn't it? So stop with the "she is the mother of my child"... She is a woman whom you made pregnant and as a result she gave birth to a baby that is the equal responsibility of both of you. SHE is what counts. I was speaking to my daughter this morning (2-and-a-half hours on the 'phone! Man, what a marathon!) and we discussed the role of parenting. Parent/mother/father.... they're just roles, labels. Being a parent doesn't make you a mother or father. It makes you someone with a child. Being a mother or father is how you bring the child up, but you're an individual, and the only thing that links this woman and you, is that you are both active in the creation of a member of the next generation. So she is the child's parent, but time will tell how good a mother she is. Or, for that matter, how good a father you are. And the best judge of that, will be your daughter. So be there for your daughter. You owe her her future. But this woman? Move on.
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