SAKI Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 (edited) Ok, so i've been with my partner for nearly 6 years, and we've been married for the past 10 months of that. We were both just out of school when we met (we were flatmates, so we have lived together for this whole time) and things have always been great. We were one of those annoying "perfect couples" About 3 years ago we were at a party and we thought it would be fun to dare her to kiss another girl there, she was reluctant gave her a peck, we all laughed. A few parties later a similar thing happened but she gave her a proper kiss, afterwards she said it was fun but ewww Gradually over these last few years, she has become more and more bi-curious, always commenting on hot chicks etc. Things came to a head a year ago when she got a lot closer with another girl. I wasn't happy because it felt like she had cheated on me, she argued that it wasn't cheating because she doesn't even like the girl and she was just satisfying her curiosity (trying to get the feelings out of her system). She has now told me that this was the best sexual experience of her life. I relented and saw it her way and soon after we were married. Things have cooled off in the last few months with me being quite tired from working so much, and i admit to not showing her enough affection lately. I always knew her feelings towards other women were there, but they seemed to be growing stronger all the time. She told me how she would always check out chicks where she worked and that she felt like a guy when she did it. 2 days ago she told me that she was having very strong feeling for other women. She is saying that she is more attracted to other women that she is to me and she is not "in love" with me anymore. She says that she REALLY loves me and genuinely seems extremely frustrated by these feelings she is having. Saying things like "why does this have to happen to me!" She never gets butterflys when she sees me or any other guys for that matter, but always gets them when she sees Amy, a friend that she plays soccer with. She said she still feels attracted to me sometimes, but not to the level of attraction to Amy. We talked a lot about how we both felt (i am still very much in love with her) and what we should do. She came up with the idea of having an open relationship for a while to see if she is genuinely gay or if this is just a passing curiosity that must be sated. I didn't have much choice really, it was either let her do her thing and wait to see how she goes, or break it off with her right there, and i defintately didn't want to do that if there was a slim chance that we could be back together properly. So last night Amy came and picked annie up to go to soccer, i knew that she wouldnt be coming home. I got a call this morning saying that she didn't do anything with Amy last night, but they are watching movies and hanging out today, i asked her if she was going to come home tonight and if she wanted me to not call her. She said she won't be home tonight and to not call her. So now i'm sitting. Waiting until tomorrow for her to contact me and it's taking it's toll on me.. I guess i'm not really looking for any shining obvious answers here, but it felt good to write my story down. Any advice/opinions? Edited December 9, 2009 by SAKI
XKatieX Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 That's just crazy..how could you be with someone that long and not know that?? idk, just seems strange to me, and really difficult on your part.
Author SAKI Posted December 9, 2009 Author Posted December 9, 2009 Do you mean me not know, or her not know? We are both very open and honest with each other and i know her very well. It seems that she is only discovering this new attraction at the same rate that i am...
XKatieX Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 (edited) I meant her. I don't think its something people wake up and say oh I think I might be gay. Its something that normally people know at a very young age, because they are born that way. So what do you plan on saying when she contacts you? Edited December 9, 2009 by XKatieX
Author SAKI Posted December 9, 2009 Author Posted December 9, 2009 Well that's what i thought... that's why i'm confused and seeing if this has happened to anyone else. If she's always had these feelings they have been very repressed. Even she wasn't completely aware of them...
Chrome Barracuda Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 And your just gonna let this affair happy with you condoning it??? Mayn where is your balls? Tell her not to come back! How could you just sit back and allow this to happen and not even care, that your wife is cheating on you! So I would just file and be happy you never had kids with her. the anger will come, maybe maybe not. But I tell you can you tolerate her having flings with women on the side, what happens when she gets serious and wants out anyways? You better file first before she does.
Author SAKI Posted December 9, 2009 Author Posted December 9, 2009 Well, i am for now. It's only been two days, and would have told her straight off if we hadn't been together for so long. We have both put a lot of time and energy into our relationship, and we both want to save it if it's possible. I will wait until she comes back and we can have another talk to see where we are at.
Chrome Barracuda Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 Well, i am for now. It's only been two days, and would have told her straight off if we hadn't been together for so long. We have both put a lot of time and energy into our relationship, and we both want to save it if it's possible. I will wait until she comes back and we can have another talk to see where we are at. WTF???!?!? ARE YOU F-ING KIDDING ME? dude she's spending the night over at a love interests house and your still saying she wants to work on the relationship??? WTF??? Dude there's nothing to work on!!! she's cheating and cheaters will lie to you. She was gay and she knew it! she had those feelings cropping up ever since your first post there was too many damn red flags and you just ignored them! You know she likes this girl and you allow her to just go over there and not be mad about it??? WTF where is she sleeping right now! in her house! while your at home by yourself, some wife you have there! Have self respect and dignity within yourself. How much are you willing to tolerate!???
burning 4 revenge Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 Its cool to be gay these days. Not like in Lincolns time. He had to hide it. Except when he was alonein the White House. Well, he wasnt exactly alone. He would lift weights with Civil War soldiers in their underwear. Show his Charles Dickens to Frederick Douglas. Stuff like that
Chrome Barracuda Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 Doesnt matter if it's cool to be gay or whatnot, How can you be gay and married to a man??? Rectifiy the situation. I advise anyone man or woman if your ever in the situation kids or no kids, divorce should be enacted. Why should you put your life on hold waiting for them to choose their sexual preference? wtf!!!
fofiffs Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 Doesnt matter if it's cool to be gay or whatnot, How can you be gay and married to a man??? Rectifiy the situation. I advise anyone man or woman if your ever in the situation kids or no kids, divorce should be enacted. Why should you put your life on hold waiting for them to choose their sexual preference? wtf!!! LOL. Bro I love how you think. I've ran into some of your post before and you tell it straight out. I give you much respect. You tell it how it is. And you do make a good point too gay or not gay she is cheating. Some guys would love to see their lady with another lady but F**K that she is cheating on you. Seriously why are you letting that happen. If it were me in your shoes I would seriously B***C slap for waiting to tell you that after you got married. It would have been fine if she dropped the bomb before the marriage but why wait this long. She's got issues and if your letting her do this she's probably thinking that she can get away with anything.
Author SAKI Posted December 9, 2009 Author Posted December 9, 2009 WTF???!?!? ARE YOU F-ING KIDDING ME? dude she's spending the night over at a love interests house and your still saying she wants to work on the relationship??? WTF??? Dude there's nothing to work on!!! she's cheating and cheaters will lie to you. She was gay and she knew it! she had those feelings cropping up ever since your first post there was too many damn red flags and you just ignored them! You know she likes this girl and you allow her to just go over there and not be mad about it??? WTF where is she sleeping right now! in her house! while your at home by yourself, some wife you have there! Have self respect and dignity within yourself. How much are you willing to tolerate!??? Ok relax, as i said in my first post, we have always live in the same house. No she isn't here, yes she is with another (sex) interest at the moment. No i'm not happy about it. BUT, we are broken up at the moment (in an "open realtionship")... i know she will see other women. She wants me to see other women too, but i expect that is simply to ease her own guilt. On paper it doesn't look good you are right, when we speak next i will ask her if she wants to see Amy again, if she does, i will apply for divorce. Well, i will ask her to move out and the 12 month separation time before divorce will begin. This might sound naieve and like wishful thinking, but what if it is simply a burning sexual curiosity that she has had for all this time, and once explored, won't return? A "been there, done that" that she never got to do. We were together at a fairly young age after all.
McGrupp Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 i read something once years ago that was about this phenemenom. basically why she is attracted to the female is not as much sexually as you think but much more emotional. she feels secure, like this person gets her, and that she is comfortable with them. the sex is probably different and exciting too. i would leave b4 she becomes a gym teacher and gets a bowl haircut
Author SAKI Posted December 9, 2009 Author Posted December 9, 2009 Seriously why are you letting that happen. As i said in my first post, the situation was clear cut. We do this "open relationship" thing until she straightens her head out, or we say bye bye today. If there is any hope of saving the last 6 years, then i'll try it. It's only been 2 days, it's not like this has dragged on for months.
Chrome Barracuda Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 I hope you do file for a divorce, dont allow this type of woman to play with your emotions. Whether she's seeking a emotional intimacy with someone of the same sex, makes no difference i dont care what she might say to justify that, she's cheating bottom line. Open relationship, hmm who made that decree, let me guess her right??? Please dude we all know how this is gonna end, beat her to the punch first, she's gonna move in with amy. Dont allow her to call you or communicate with you when she does. it's inevitable. She'll keep doing what you allow her to do.
Author SAKI Posted December 9, 2009 Author Posted December 9, 2009 i read something once years ago that was about this phenemenom. basically why she is attracted to the female is not as much sexually as you think but much more emotional. she feels secure, like this person gets her, and that she is comfortable with them. the sex is probably different and exciting too. i would leave b4 she becomes a gym teacher and gets a bowl haircut The way she has described it to me, it sounds like it's all sexual. She hates most chicks, thinking they are bitchy and hard to get along with. Most of her friends are guys! But hey, it's an avenue worth exploring, thanks.
XKatieX Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 From your post it sounds like its everything combined..emotional, sexual, and romantically. If this is the case most likely not something that will just burn off. I've seen it happen a lot actually, women leaving men for other women. But it does sound like you really love and care about her so I wish you the best. Maybe she will realize her marriage to you is much more important than exploring herself with other women.
Author SAKI Posted December 9, 2009 Author Posted December 9, 2009 She'll keep doing what you allow her to do. You are right. I will however give her this one nights grace though, and tomorrow she will have the ultimatum, stop what she is doing, or i'm gone. Thanks for the outside eyes... EDIT: ^^ and thankyou katie for the optimism. I wont give up until i hear from her tomorrow.
Author SAKI Posted December 11, 2009 Author Posted December 11, 2009 Well turns out she wasn't sleeping with Amy, she just wanted some time away to try to sort her head out. We talked again twice, trying to figure out if she was gay or bi, last night we decided that she really is gay and we broke up. Neither of us wanted this, she desparately didn't want to upset me and even went to the length of trying to pretend that everything was ok again. Just so we wouldnt break up. I'm sure in hindsight i'll be glad we broke up now rather than later. To make things especially painful i found something else out. I proposed to her after she had hinted at marriage, I now know that the only reason she was hinting marriage was because she wanted to be my friend forever and she thought that by marrying, maybe her feeling towards other women would go away... I wish she had told me all this BEFORE we got married... :/ So my question for you all is: We still want to remain friends and keep in contact, but that will make things hard especially for me during this painful time. Should i have no contact with her for a while? I don't want her to think that i hate her or anything though...
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