Ruby Slippers Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 I think maybe it would be effective to just spell it out for him very clearly: "I feel loved and appreciated when you do nice things for me, like make me a cup of coffee in the morning, look up the movie times, pick up something from the store that you know I need," and so on. It can be extremely powerful when the person you love takes time out of his/her day to do small "acts of service" for you, even if it's just a few minutes here or there. My ex made a mental note early on in the relationship when I mentioned that doing dishes was my least favorite household chore (probably because it was one of the first I was made to do as a youngster). Anytime he was at my house and he had 5 or 10 minutes to kill, and there were some dishes in the sink, he'd do them for me. He wasn't particularly fond of doing dishes, but he didn't dislike it like I do. That action (redone many times throughout our relationship) meant SO MUCH to me. It wasn't anything flashy or new, but it showed me that he listened, he cared, and he was willing to give a few minutes of his time to make life easier and more enjoyable for me. I felt loved and appreciated every time he did it, almost as if it was the first time. I thanked him each time, and he'd say something like, "No sweat, honey. I just love to make you smile." Such a small gesture in the big picture, but I doubt I will ever forget it.
Stockalone Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 To the best of my ability, I have changed that and try to be honest and open about the things that worry me try to include my partner. As well as trying to anticipate how they will react. That is where I fail. Apparently, I am not good at thinking like a woman. Who'd have thought? That part is actually not true, now that I think about it. The last time I needed help, I never actually asked for it. I thought I had, but I never said "I can't handle this on my own. I really need your help here". That just goes to show you that you miss important things when you are caught up in the situation and not just an outside observer.
Kamille Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 I totally agree with Stockalone on this The message you want to send is "It makes me so happy when you think about me and then do something that SHOWS me that you care about me (instead of just saying how much you care about me)". In my experience, men actually feel a lot more responsible for the well-being of relationship then we tend to give them credit for. I think this is precisely why most of them struggle when women bring up issues, because it makes them feel like they're 'failing' at ensuring our happiness. Focusing on what they do right actually prompts them to invest even more on the relationship. Basically, the last couple of guys I dated never beamed so much as when I would tell them 'You make me so happy!'. And focusing on the good things, instead of always worrying about whether or not we're a fit, makes the relationship so much easier and allows it to grow in surprising ways. It also makes communicating about the glitches in the road easier, because bf still knows he has the power to make me happy - even though I may be upset about something. So definitely make an effort to be direct with him when you feel slighted (as he's asked you to do), and, if you don't do it already, point out that you love him and that he makes you happy.
Author New Again Posted December 11, 2009 Author Posted December 11, 2009 Thanks all! Some of this advice is actually similar to something my sister told me....and Kamille actually said pretty much the same thing in an earlier post and I was being a butthead...didn't really see it until my sister pointed it out. Basically, my b/c and I have discussed most of these things; I told him what I needed and he told me what he needed (better communication - I'm really good about telling him about good things, but have a harder time telling him about negative things in a productive way, if it all...it's more complicated than that, but that's the short of it). So, after ONE DAY I already screwed up my end and my sister pointed out that even though I don't think I'm being bitchy, and I know that I'm not feeling bitchy or mad or anything, if I'm a little annoyed, or distracted, I definitely have a tone, and I come across as being mean or having a problem (which I think some people have pointed out to me on here before too...sorry!!)...so other people (like my b/f) think I have a problem over something really little, and blah blah blah...I won't bore you with more details. She's a little cynical about men also; she said "Have you ever met a man who doesn't shut down/get offended/etc./etc. when you present him with a problem you have? ... Me neither." She pointed out that sometimes you can't have a discussion about some things, and you just need to ask for what you want in a more subtle way. Which is definitely where I have the problem communicating, because I'm stubborn and don't want to have to do that. So anyways....we'll see how this all works out for us
threebyfate Posted December 11, 2009 Posted December 11, 2009 She's a little cynical about men also; she said "Have you ever met a man who doesn't shut down/get offended/etc./etc. when you present him with a problem you have? ... Me neither." She pointed out that sometimes you can't have a discussion about some things, and you just need to ask for what you want in a more subtle way. Which is definitely where I have the problem communicating, because I'm stubborn and don't want to have to do that. So anyways....we'll see how this all works out for us If you're a direct person, this won't work for you, since you feel like you're walking on egg shells. Be yourself or you WILL regret this in the long run. BTDT, hated every minute of walking on eggshells.
Author New Again Posted December 11, 2009 Author Posted December 11, 2009 If you're a direct person, this won't work for you, since you feel like you're walking on egg shells. Be yourself or you WILL regret this in the long run. BTDT, hated every minute of walking on eggshells. Hmm...I am very direct.
threebyfate Posted December 11, 2009 Posted December 11, 2009 Hmm...I am very direct.Then stay that way. For that matter, ask your b/f if he appreciates your directness. Most men do. If you consider a million threads about guys getting dumped out of the blue, what do suppose happened in each instance? I would guess equal portions of women being subtle with their needs and men not picking up hints. A relationship isn't a game of Clue, where the man has to pick up little pieces in each room, to figure out what a woman wants and needs. She's just as responsible for ensuring that her needs are being met through communication, as long as those needs are within reason.
Author New Again Posted December 11, 2009 Author Posted December 11, 2009 Then stay that way. For that matter, ask your b/f if he appreciates your directness. Most men do. If you consider a million threads about guys getting dumped out of the blue, what do suppose happened in each instance? I would guess equal portions of women being subtle with their needs and men not picking up hints. A relationship isn't a game of Clue, where the man has to pick up little pieces in each room, to figure out what a woman wants and needs. She's just as responsible for ensuring that her needs are being met through communication, as long as those needs are within reason. Clue is my favorite game!!!! I know that he likes my directness in most situations, but I can agree that it might not be appropriate in every single situation (JW, maybe I'm demanding after all!)...although that may also be due to how well I communicate when I'm being direct...hm. I know I do it well most of the time; but there's definitely instances where my directness comes across the wrong way (as bitchy, or shutting down, or like I have a bigger problem than the situation warrants).
threebyfate Posted December 11, 2009 Posted December 11, 2009 Clue is my favorite game!!!! I know that he likes my directness in most situations, but I can agree that it might not be appropriate in every single situation (JW, maybe I'm demanding after all!)...although that may also be due to how well I communicate when I'm being direct...hm. I know I do it well most of the time; but there's definitely instances where my directness comes across the wrong way (as bitchy, or shutting down, or like I have a bigger problem than the situation warrants). I used to love it too, along with Monopoly, Risk and Battleship. Okay, if it's just approach, like facial expressions, body language and tone, that can be amended, which is why I suggested back when, that you approach it when you're calm and try to keep a lid on your anger, while in a discussion. Just don't amend your directness.
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