I'm being silly right?

[New Again]

So if you show love though actions, how does he specifically show love naturally?

Well he does know that I feel loved, and need, him to show me through actions that he loves me, and gave me some examples of things he could do (all things I ask him to do; I don't expect him to be a mindreader). He's done that maybe 3 or 4 times, but largely ignored, or forgot, or something.

 

I know how he shows love and affection, mostly through words and touch, so I do try to focus on that, but that doesn't change the fact that it makes me feel taken for granted and uncared for when he doesn't occasionally do the things I ask him to do. This is actually especially important to me, since I sometimes travel for work and might be gone for up to a week at a time.

 

So we may just not be compatible in that way if he can't make more of an effort in that department. I know I've made a significant effort to show him love through words and touch, since I know that's what he needs.

 

okay, fair enough. i do believe you.. and im sorry for joking around, sort of.. but then, focus on the bigger issues, or your going to wear yourself out. really, i do empathize.. see my first post.. k?

I've been trying to focus on the larger one I'm a fairly self-aware person, but that doesn't always mean when something seemingly small gets to me I'll instantly know what the underlying issue is.

 

Are you demanding often? Maybe if you are this way, he is just fed up to the point that he doesn't care. Not saying you are demanding, but kind of getting that vibe.

 

I don't think it is demanding to expect an equal amount of consideration that he gives acquaintances. I admit I have high standards.

[Peaceful Guy]

It's all about "getting the girl", rather than finding a compatible partner. It's fricking infuriating, actually.

 

fair enough. my heart goes out to you! listen, i gotta get away from this thread before i sit here all day and nurse my emotional wounds that i wasn't really sure i had before i got here.. later.. and best of luck threebyfate!

[New Again]

There are plenty of guys who do really nice things in the early stages of the dating and relationship process, enough to make the woman fall for them. Then they stop, as New Again's b/f has done and this is the end result of it all.

 

While I don't know what will happen with New Again's relationship, many times, the woman will walk away from the relationship, since the guy wasn't expectation managing in the beginning, misrepresenting who he was to begin with.

 

I've had it happen enough times that it royally pisses me off that guys do this. It's all about "getting the girl", rather than finding a compatible partner. It's fricking infuriating, actually.

I feel so understood!

[threebyfate]

fair enough. my heart goes out to you! listen, i gotta get away from this thread before i sit here all day and nurse my emotional wounds that i wasn't really sure i had before i got here.. later.. and best of luck threebyfate!

 

Not to worry, I'm already with a great guy! We speak the same language of love.

 

I feel so understood!

 

I think in order to understand, you have to experience it!

[boogieboy]

I know how he shows love and affection, mostly through words and touch, so I do try to focus on that, but that doesn't change the fact that it makes me feel taken for granted and uncared for when he doesn't occasionally do the things I ask him to do. This is actually especially important to me, since I sometimes travel for work and might be gone for up to a week at a time.

 

So we may just not be compatible in that way if he can't make more of an effort in that department. I know I've made a significant effort to show him love through words and touch, since I know that's what he needs.

 

Yea see youre fighting his natural personality, he probably will never be able to consistently maintain what you need since it isnt him. He might not enjoy DOING things like you want him to. I guess hes supposed to enjoy it when it makes you happy, but it doesnt mean he really will. Its kinda like you asking him to write a love song for you when he isnt a writer. He should try, but he's just not into it. I really suggest that you concentrate more on the way he naturally does it though words and touch, he probably wont make that change you want him to. Other wise, he might not be the guy for you if that is a dealbreaker...if you NEED it that badly.

 

Did he really say he needs you to show him love though words and touch specifically?

[freestyle]

There are plenty of guys who do really nice things in the early stages of the dating and relationship process, enough to make the woman fall for them. Then they stop, as New Again's b/f has done and this is the end result of it all.

 

While I don't know what will happen with New Again's relationship, many times, the woman will walk away from the relationship, since the guy wasn't expectation managing in the beginning, misrepresenting who he was to begin with.

 

I've had it happen enough times that it royally pisses me off that guys do this. It's all about "getting the girl", rather than finding a compatible partner. It's fricking infuriating, actually.

 

 

There's a great saying that describes this in one sentence:

 

"Once you've caught the bus, you don't have to run anymore........"

 

Infuriating is right. Actually I've seen both men and women do this in their

relationships..........best behavior at first, to suck them in.........then the complacency sets in.

[New Again]

Yea see youre fighting his natural personality, he probably will never be able to consistently maintain what you need since it isnt him. He might not enjoy DOING things like you want him to. I guess hes supposed to enjoy it when it makes you happy, but it doesnt mean he really will. Its kinda like you asking him to write a love song for you when he isnt a writer. He should try, but he's just not into it. I really suggest that you concentrate more on the way he naturally does it though words and touch, he probably wont make that change you want him to. Other wise, he might not be the guy for you if that is a dealbreaker...if you NEED it that badly.

 

Did he really say he needs you to show him love though words and touch specifically?

 

I see what you're saying. I think I still have a hard time with it, because (just as examples), I don't understand why it's such a big deal to:

• make me coffee (I drink it black!!) while he's making himself breakfast.
  
• look up movie times online when he's already online and not doing anything, AND I'm busy AND he said he would (I didn't even ask)...but then an hour later he still hasn't done it and has to go back to work, so I have to do it
  
• pick up the damn [item] since he's already at the store and picking the exact same thing up for himself
  

 

 

And he didn't specifically say that. I assumed it based on 3 things.

1. That's how he shows love; so it seems he's most proficient in that and would also feel most loved that way
   
2. He makes passive aggressive comments, or drops hints if I'm not being verbally affirming enough (in his opinion), or physically affectionate enough
   
3. He doesn't seem to appreciate my acts of love (example, one day he says he wants to make brownies, but he doesn't feel like going to the store to pick up brownie mix; so the next day when I'm at the store picking up a few things, I get the brownie mix and I make him brownies; NO REACTION from him)
   

[threebyfate]

There's a great saying that describes this in one sentence:

 

"Once you've caught the bus, you don't have to run anymore........"

 

Infuriating is right. Actually I've seen both men and women do this in their

relationships..........best behavior at first, to suck them in.........then the complacency sets in.

Yup, complacency is a relationship stagnator and killer.

 

Just be yourself in the beginning stages and if the other person is the right fit, they WILL mesh.

 

Agreed, this isn't gender specific but I will add that men are more prone to it.

[boogieboy]

See? its called being two different people. I can relate to him, I HATE being expected to do favors. Its worse when Im nagged about it. If I ask someone to look up something online, and they dont, I do it myself - I dont have a problem doing it, and I know not to ask them again, because I see they didnt want to do it. I dont like asking people to do things for me anyway, and I dont need people to do thoughtful things for me...(prolly why he didnt notice the brownie mix) I usually need more verbal thoughtfulness.

 

And he didn't specifically say that. I assumed it based on 3 things.

 

I think assuming is not the way to go here, you should ask him specifically and come to some sort of agreement. Dont be surprised if he says he doesnt need it either. You'll show love your way way and he does it his. When it comes to being thoughtfulness, it should about the reciever not the giver. I dont open doors expecting people to thank me ykno?

[jw90063]

You know, this relationship reminds me of that movie The Breakup. The guy was being thoughtless and was pretty dense, but she was expecting too much from him at times. For example, she made a huge deal because he didn't WANT to do the dishes.

[threebyfate]

You know, this relationship reminds me of that movie The Breakup. The guy was being thoughtless and was pretty dense, but she was expecting too much from him at times. For example, she made a huge deal because he didn't WANT to do the dishes.

I haven't seen the movie but unresolved issues, creates greater tensions between couples, which causes each confrontation to build. I know I'm like that, especially when I see examples of similar behaviours that all point to the same underlying issue. For example: He's selfish.

 

New Again has already expressed that issues don't get resolved when they talk about them. He gets defensive, no matter how she approaches it.

[jw90063]

I haven't seen the movie but unresolved issues, creates greater tensions between couples, which causes each confrontation to build. I know I'm like that, especially when I see examples of similar behaviours that all point to the same underlying issue. For example: He's selfish.

 

New Again has already expressed that issues don't get resolved when they talk about them. He gets defensive, no matter how she approaches it.

 

It is a pretty decent movie. I think both of the characters were unable to resolve their personal issues, so it just didn't work. They were too different. I think they were both at fault.

 

I just thought of something else. In the movie, she made a big deal because he bought 3 lemons at the store, instead of 8, or something to that effect. Yes, he wasn't being very thoughtful in that situation, but keep in mind people do make mistakes. It wasn't so much that he got the wrong amount of lemons, but when she approached him about it, he acted like he didn't care. That is what would annoy me.

 

At same time, his response may have had something to do with the way she approached him about it. She made a huge deal because he got the wrong amount of lemons for a darn center piece for the table.

 

I think if two people are not able to admit or realize they are at fault, things will never work themselves out.

[New Again]

See? its called being two different people. I can relate to him, I HATE being expected to do favors. Its worse when Im nagged about it. If I ask someone to look up something online, and they dont, I do it myself - I dont have a problem doing it, and I know not to ask them again, because I see they didnt want to do it. I dont like asking people to do things for me anyway, and I dont need people to do thoughtful things for me...(prolly why he didnt notice the brownie mix) I usually need more verbal thoughtfulness.

Here I have to disagree with you. It's fine to be two different people; however, relationships are built on many things, including compromise.

 

Furthermore, part of my issue is that he does thoughtful things for acquaintances without being asked, but not me. He won't do it without being asked (generally speaking), nor will he do it if I do ask. That's no okay.

 

Also, since you used the movie example, I didn't ask him to do it. He offered to because I was going to do it and he knew I was busy. So it would have been really sweet and considerate, except then he didn't do it. And no, it wasn't because he unexpectedly had something else to do.

 

As far as the brownies; I wasn't complaining that he didn't appreciate it. I was stating that his lack of appreciation showed me that that type of love language is not on his radar at all, as far as something he needs or wants. As a girlfriend who wants to show love in a way that is appreciated and actually makes the other person feel loved, and makes constant effort to maintain the relationship, I notice things like that.

 

I think assuming is not the way to go here, you should ask him specifically and come to some sort of agreement. Dont be surprised if he says he doesnt need it either. You'll show love your way way and he does it his. When it comes to being thoughtfulness, it should about the reciever not the giver. I dont open doors expecting people to thank me ykno?

I actually asked him figure that out and let me know; he just emailed me back, confirming what I already thought. Yes, he shows love his way, but I show him love his way also, because I put the effort into paying attention to him and his needs, figuring out what they were, then fulfilling them.

[Angel1111]

Sorry I can't read all the posts but from what I can gather, it seems that you just don't feel valued by him. Women like to feel cherished by a man and when that's missing, alarm bells go off. I always tell people not to ignore their instincts. I married someone like this and nothing ever changed - I never got the sense that he gave a fig about me and it was a contributing factor as to why I left him.

[Stockalone]

Look guys, it's pretty basic and something that guys fail to understand.

 

I am listening.

 

 

Women expect that their needs will be prioritized above any other woman's needs, by their SOs. We expect that we will be valued and appreciated, not only for our physical appearances. We expect that you guys will show us, that this is the way you feel. Where we differ, is in how we expect that you'll show us.

 

That is fairly obvious, even I get that and it's easy to implement. The problems start when that is not the only thing you want us to do.

 

 

I've had it happen enough times that it royally pisses me off that guys do this. It's all about "getting the girl", rather than finding a compatible partner. It's fricking infuriating, actually.

 

That's because there is no bloody manual on how to keep a woman.

 

That isn't an outrageous request. We are really good with those, if they are written in a language we understand. And if we actually read them.

 

Besides, we men have to do all the work in the beginning. We chase and pursue. There has to be a reward for that. That is why we slack off after we got the girl.

 

Seriously though. It is a lot easier to come up with good ideas early on in the relationship. Everything we do will be "new". And most men possess only so much ingenuity.

 

It's hard to come up with new and wonderful ideas. Then again, if we can just recycle or repeat our "old" stuff, that might actually be manageable.

 

 

With New Again, she NEEDS her b/f to show her through action. So, she needs to communicate this to him.

 

I think her request is very reasonable.

 

To be fair though, I have to admit that I have areas where I am completely dense and don't get it at all that I fail to see things from my SO's perspective.

 

Often, that is what women expect, that we should have known better. I honestly try not to make the same mistake twice, but if I don't get the underlying issue, I'll just make a new (in my opinion new) mistake that from the woman's POV looks like I am making the same mistake over and over again. We aren't trying to be mean.

 

And I think most men have at least one of those problem areas. Maybe with very good communication skills, that problem can be avoided.

 

Maybe her bf just doesn't get this part of what she needs him to do. It can happen so quickly (and that is very dangerous) that we talk past each other without meaning to do so. How does that saying go? The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

 

 

PS:

Just a silly observation that might only interest me. The new TBF has already more post than I do. Incroyable!

[threebyfate]

Once again, if in the movie, he continued to act nonchalant about her needs, where each little thing doesn't get resolved, it's no wonder she escalated it. I would too.

 

Each tiny and ridiculous incident, can add up over time, to the level of tear your hair out frustration, if resolution doesn't happen.

 

If in this lemon buying incident, he immediately said "sorry honey, I'll go back out and get the rest", she may have reacted differently. But who knows how far along the path of ramping frustration, this incident happened and who knows what her personality type is. If she's A type, she will hold him to the same level of perfectionism, as she holds herself, hence why the two were so far apart in compatible traits.

 

Whether any of this movie, is applicable to New Again, I have no idea, since I haven't seen it.

[New Again]

Seriously though. It is a lot easier to come up with good ideas early on in the relationship. Everything we do will be "new". And most men possess only so much ingenuity.

 

It's hard to come up with new and wonderful ideas. Then again, if we can just recycle or repeat our "old" stuff, that might actually be manageable.

 

We don't expect wine and roses or anything dramatic or new or whatever. We just expect the same level of consideration throughout the relationship. Otherwise, we feel as though we're being taken for granted.

 

Go ahead and reuse your old stuff! That's all we want or expect, since it's what you led us to believe we'd be in for if we continued to date you. Ask me if I want a cup of coffee if you're getting one for yourself, take out the trash if you offered to, offer to make dinner once in awhile, or clean up afterward, or even just pick up dinner on your way home! Anything! Most of us aren't expecting the world of you.

 

Case in point, my dad STILL randomly brings my mom home flowers, or calls and offers to pick up dinner on his way home and they've been married 25+ years. He's done that as far back as I can remember. It's not all the time, but it's enough.

[boogieboy]

I actually asked him figure that out and let me know; he just emailed me back, confirming what I already thought. Yes, he shows love his way, but I show him love his way also, because I put the effort into paying attention to him and his needs, figuring out what they were, then fulfilling them.

 

Comprimise is great, but not when it could create resentment.

 

Well you show him love his way also, but is that because you enjoy doing it his way? I wonder if these favors hes doing for other people are favors that he likes doing, as opposed to the things he is supposed to do for you...or if hes just become complacent to you. I wonder if he would change his tune if he was given a worst case scenario ultimatum.

 

So whats the deal, if he cant suck it up and show you a lil love with thoughtful actions, is this a dealbreraker?

[jw90063]

Once again, if in the movie, he continued to act nonchalant about her needs, where each little thing doesn't get resolved, it's no wonder she escalated it. I would too.

 

Each tiny and ridiculous incident, can add up over time, to the level of tear your hair out frustration, if resolution doesn't happen.

 

If in this lemon buying incident, he immediately said "sorry honey, I'll go back out and get the rest", she may have reacted differently. But who knows how far along the path of ramping frustration, this incident happened and who knows what her personality type is. If she's A type, she will hold him to the same level of perfectionism, as she holds herself, hence why the two were so far apart in compatible traits.

 

Whether any of this movie, is applicable to New Again, I have no idea, since I haven't seen it.

 

That's the thing, they were tiny, ridiculous incidents, but her reaction each time didn't help. His response didn't help either. I think there is a communication issue. I agree that these tiny things add up over time. This is exactly what happened with my ex. He tried to put the blame on me, as if I was overreacting, but it was just one thing after another. Things kept adding up and I had enough.

 

The last argument we had, I was so upset. He didn't understand, it was more like a build up of ALL the incidents that happened. He assumed I was just upset about the current one. I felt unappreciated to say the least. I did understand that at times I could have toned down my reaction a bit, but the thing is, I don't think he understood what he was doing wrong at all.

[New Again]

Comprimise is great, but not when it could create resentment.

But the point of compromise is that both parties have to give in a little, isn't it??

 

Well you show him love his way also, but is that because you enjoy doing it his way?

I do enjoy it, but only in the sense that I know he needs it and wants it. I want to make him happy and I want him to feel loved. It's not easy for me to do it his way, because I didn't grow up in a physically or verbally affectionate household, and I have just never been that way. But I make it a point to do it for him, and I don't resent that he needs to be loved that way...because I love him!! lol

 

I wonder if these favors hes doing for other people are favors that he likes doing, as opposed to the things he is supposed to do for you...or if hes just become complacent to you. I wonder if he would change his tune if he was given a worst case scenario ultimatum.

Honestly, I think he's just become complacent. I could be wrong, and I'll have to ask him, but I don't think I come across as expecting certain things from him, beyond needing to be shown love in the way he did at the beginning of our relationship. But, maybe he feels the same way you do, which wouldn't be a good thing for sure.

 

I know when I told him today how I like to be shown love, and gave him examples of things he's done in the past, he actually laughed - he thought it was funny that something so small could make me feel so good and be so important.

 

I asked him what he thought my love language was, and he said physical touch and quality time.

 

So whats the deal, if he cant suck it up and show you a lil love with thoughtful actions, is this a dealbreraker?

I'm deciding

Edited December 9, 2009 by New Again

[threebyfate]

I am listening.

Yes but you're one of the men who actually listen and understand. Consider yourself different than a lot of the guys out there.

That is fairly obvious, even I get that and it's easy to implement. The problems start when that is not the only thing you want us to do.

I don't understand. Plse provide examples.

That's because there is no bloody manual on how to keep a woman.

 

That isn't an outrageous request. We are really good with those, if they are written in a language we understand. And if we actually read them.

Ha...there's no manual on men and don't tell me there aren't complex men out there. I swear, in the past, I've dated MANY of them!

 

Besides, we men have to do all the work in the beginning. We chase and pursue. There has to be a reward for that. That is why we slack off after we got the girl.

Stock, you've hit the nail on the head about my pet peeve. Don't be someone you're not. Be yourself.

Seriously though. It is a lot easier to come up with good ideas early on in the relationship. Everything we do will be "new". And most men possess only so much ingenuity.

 

It's hard to come up with new and wonderful ideas. Then again, if we can just recycle or repeat our "old" stuff, that might actually be manageable.

If it takes new and wonderful ideas to keep a woman interested, there's something wrong and that comes from either poor expectation management or someone who views their partner as a source of entertainment or amusement. I'm not suggesting that men do four things, one per day and keep recycling, but surprise her once in awhile.

I think her request is very reasonable.

Then you understand. That's where it starts. New Again's needs aren't rocket science and her b/f should be able to grasp it.

 

To be fair though, I have to admit that I have areas where I am completely dense and don't get it at all that I fail to see things from my SO's perspective.

 

Often, that is what women expect, that we should have known better. I honestly try not to make the same mistake twice, but if I don't get the underlying issue, I'll just make a new (in my opinion new) mistake that from the woman's POV looks like I am making the same mistake over and over again. We aren't trying to be mean.

That's why I mentioned to New Again, that she can't throw too much negativity onto him, all at the same time, since it can cause him to be overwhelmed. So she addressed it with him in its simplest component, explaining how it made her feel. Instead of acknowledging her feelings, he got defensive and threw it all back into her lap, that these were her issues. You cannot resolve issues this way.

 

As for the same mistakes over and over due to perception, if someone expresses that they see a repetitive pattern of behaviour due to one underlying cause, why not step back and self-audit? Are they right?

 

And I think most men have at least one of those problem areas. Maybe with very good communication skills, that problem can be avoided.

Totally! And that's what my H. and I do. We bring up each little issue and it gets resolved, hence why there's no ramping up of resentments.

 

Maybe her bf just doesn't get this part of what she needs him to do. It can happen so quickly (and that is very dangerous) that we talk past each other without meaning to do so. How does that saying go? The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

He immediately blamed it on her jealousy. It wasn't just not understanding, he found a way to attack her back. Very immature, considering how she approached the issue.

 

PS:

Just a silly observation that might only interest me. The new TBF has already more post than I do. Incroyable!

Even more funny, I don't post most evenings, after H. gets home from work!

[Kamille]

Thanks for the update NA. I haven't read all the replies but I for one want to congratulate you on bringing up the issue. And while you may feel it hasn't helped much, I wouldn't be so quick to judge the conversation negatively. It always helps me to go into these conversations with an idea of what outcome I expect from them.

 

Your bf now knows how it makes you feel. Give him time to think about what you said. I don't think you can expect him to change - but what about the idea I suggested where you two simply find a non-agressive way where you can let him know when you feel he's tuning out. Like a codeword or something (I would likely suggest "honey, if I start saying word or singing the macarena, it means I feel you are tuning me out").

 

 

Now as to the shows of attentions and care... I'm just wondering: really, how lacking is it and how much do you need it? I'm of the opinion that it is unfair to expect our partners to be 100% atuned to our emotional needs all the time. My bf and I struggled with a somewhat similar issue and we have managed to resolve it (you can search my past threads). He's managed to reassure me he loves me and he has been making more of an effort. I also, for some reason, have accepted his explanations and am therefore feeling less needy.

[New Again]

Thanks for the update NA. I haven't read all the replies but I for one want to congratulate you on bringing up the issue. And while you may feel it hasn't helped much, I wouldn't be so quick to judge the conversation negatively. It always helps me to go into these conversations with an idea of what outcome I expect from them.

Thanks Kamille Pretty much everyone who posted in this thread was helpful in one way or another, but I think some of the posters who I felt I needed to defend myself against (I realize that's on me, not them) made me feel angrier over the issue as a whole...like I was just getting very focused on the thing that was upsetting me, like tunnel vision. We talked a bit more this afternoon and tonight, so we'll see what happens in the meantime.

 

Your bf now knows how it makes you feel. Give him time to think about what you said. I don't think you can expect him to change - but what about the idea I suggested where you two simply find a non-agressive way where you can let him know when you feel he's tuning out. Like a codeword or something (I would likely suggest "honey, if I start saying word or singing the macarena, it means I feel you are tuning me out").

Tonight after he got home from work he did apologize to me for this morning, which is a positive thing and makes me think that he is in fact considering what I said to him. Good sign, but again, we'll see how this plays out.

 

I suggested this to him tonight, and he doesn't think he'll remember a codeword (he actually called it a hint ), but he came back with the suggestion that since I have a hard time communicating when I'm upset about something that maybe it would be better for me to just come out and say it anyways. Communication is something I do need to work on, even when it's a simple "hey, don't ignore me!" or "you need to listen to what I'm saying right now"... so I think this is something that I should do, or at least try. I mean, if I'm asking him to do some things, I can do this. I know from past experience that he will respond positively to such straightforward communication if it's something like that.

 

 

Now as to the shows of attentions and care... I'm just wondering: really, how lacking is it and how much do you need it? I'm of the opinion that it is unfair to expect our partners to be 100% atuned to our emotional needs all the time. My bf and I struggled with a somewhat similar issue and we have managed to resolve it (you can search my past threads). He's managed to reassure me he loves me and he has been making more of an effort. I also, for some reason, have accepted his explanations and am therefore feeling less needy.

I will go back and check out your threads, thanks for suggesting that.

 

This is something that I'm still thinking about.

 

He very, very rarely shows care and attention toward me in the form of service/actions. He does make me feel cared for in other ways (words, touch), but if I'm honest with myself, that only makes me feel cared for in the moment. The occasional thoughtful action is what makes me feel like it's real/long-term.

[Stockalone]

Yes but you're one of the men who actually listen and understand. Consider yourself different than a lot of the guys out there.

 

I meant the "I am listening" as you've got my attention because this is an interesting thread.

 

I didn't mean it in a "look at me, I listen to women" manner. While I do try to listen, that alone is not enough. Drawing the correct conclusions is what is very difficult sometimes.

 

 

I don't understand. Plse provide examples.

 

Basically, that most women expect us men to do the right thing without having us to tell what the right thing is.

 

Things that came up in the recent present thread for example. "Why doesn't he buy that (insert here whatever the gift should have been), when I hinted at it all the time, etc?"

 

I usually do rather well with things that are received positively. Or maybe women are just nicer when getting things they don't really like.

 

Or the negative aspects, that's where I struggle with. "He really should have known how I feel?" "Why was he so insensitive. Didn't he know how that would effect me?"

 

 

Ha...there's no manual on men and don't tell me there aren't complex men out there. I swear, in the past, I've dated MANY of them!

 

I'll take your word for it. Since I don't date men, I am really not worried about other guys complexity or lack thereof.

 

 

Stock, you've hit the nail on the head about my pet peeve. Don't be someone you're not. Be yourself.

 

Absolutely, but I don't see a little bit of slacking off as being someone you are not.

 

Sure, if someone only does thoughtful things during the initial phase of a relationship, that is not right.

 

But I chase mostly because I have to, not because I like it so much. That means there will be some extra wooing and extra attention followed by a period of complacency on my part as a reward for having reached a milestone/goal.

 

I still strive to do thoughtful things in the relationship but I can't spend every waking hour on it (which is something I tend to do when chasing). The slacking off is not a sign that I think I have done my part now, it's just a reflection of the limited time I'll eventually have at my disposal.

 

I will also add that I don't do thoughtful or romantic things in the hopes taht the woman will like me, though that is often a welcome side affect. I try to do things that will make her feel good, cheer her up when I think she needs it or when she deserves some additional attention. Making her day, being a positive influence in her life makes me feel good.

 

 

If it takes new and wonderful ideas to keep a woman interested, there's something wrong and that comes from either poor expectation management or someone who views their partner as a source of entertainment or amusement. I'm not suggesting that men do four things, one per day and keep recycling, but surprise her once in awhile.

 

I'd say the expectations are largely my own, the things I think I should be doing.

 

Not necessarily pressure from the woman do to specific things. But IME, all women (as well as men if you reverse the situation) have certain expectations.

 

And I do find myself in the situation often where I have to figure out what a woman wants. Women do like their man to do the right thing at the right time. Maybe not all women do, but the ones I encountered were like that.

 

I never had a woman tell me: "Listen, I absolutely love it when a man does this."

 

 

Then you understand. That's where it starts. New Again's needs aren't rocket science and her b/f should be able to grasp it.

 

I agree, but maybe that (for whatever reason) is his dense area, where he simply doesn't understand it.

 

 

That's why I mentioned to New Again, that she can't throw too much negativity onto him, all at the same time, since it can cause him to be overwhelmed. So she addressed it with him in its simplest component, explaining how it made her feel. Instead of acknowledging her feelings, he got defensive and threw it all back into her lap, that these were her issues. You cannot resolve issues this way.

 

True, but New Again mentioned that her bf used to date a woman with what he perceived jealousy issues. He might shut down right after she mentions anything that to him sounds like jealousy.

 

I know, it's bad mojo to bring such issues into a new relationship, but I think to do so is understandable.

 

He needs to understand that she isn't feeling neglected for no apparent reason and she needs to give him some slack and explain the problem to him in a way that he can understand without him shutting down immediately.

 

 

As for the same mistakes over and over due to perception, if someone expresses that they see a repetitive pattern of behaviour due to one underlying cause, why not step back and self-audit? Are they right?

 

In a way, they are right. There has been a pattern, I made the mistake of underestimating the impact/damage of my actions more than once. In dating situations, relationships, or lately with a female friend.

 

When I already know that something will be received badly, it usually ends up far worse than I had expected it to be.

 

I am not sure how to fix that though. I am used to making up my mind without involving outside help. That is very dangerous when you are in a relationship.

 

To the best of my ability, I have changed that and try to be honest and open about the things that worry me try to include my partner. As well as trying to anticipate how they will react. That is where I fail. Apparently, I am not good at thinking like a woman. Who'd have thought?

 

But I do see it as a problem. It is also tied into appraising what is really important (deal breaker) to her and what is less important (gets me a scolding stare but we'll still be all right when I apologize for making a mistake). I am not good at that either.

 

 

Totally! And that's what my H. and I do. We bring up each little issue and it gets resolved, hence why there's no ramping up of resentments.

 

You found a way that suits you both which is great.

 

I am not sure if that can be a solution for everyone. But it's worth at least a try.

 

 

Even more funny, I don't post most evenings, after H. gets home from work!

 

 

That is all right as far as I'm concerned. I can live with the fact that there are people out there who are far more efficient than I am.

 

 

Your bf now knows how it makes you feel. Give him time to think about what you said. I don't think you can expect him to change - but what about the idea I suggested where you two simply find a non-agressive way where you can let him know when you feel he's tuning out. Like a codeword or something (I would likely suggest "honey, if I start saying word or singing the macarena, it means I feel you are tuning me out").

 

I like that idea.

 

 

 

I suggested this to him tonight, and he doesn't think he'll remember a codeword (he actually called it a hint ), but he came back with the suggestion that since I have a hard time communicating when I'm upset about something that maybe it would be better for me to just come out and say it anyways.

 

I'll have to remember that.

 

If he has such bad memory, your "codeword" could be to smack him upside the head.

 

 

Communication is something I do need to work on, even when it's a simple "hey, don't ignore me!" or "you need to listen to what I'm saying right now"... so I think this is something that I should do, or at least try. I mean, if I'm asking him to do some things, I can do this. I know from past experience that he will respond positively to such straightforward communication if it's something like that.

 

That usually works. A very clear "I need that, can you please work with me and do that for me" is something we understand. Most men appreciate signals we can't misinterpret.

 

 

He very, very rarely shows care and attention toward me in the form of service/actions. He does make me feel cared for in other ways (words, touch), but if I'm honest with myself, that only makes me feel cared for in the moment. The occasional thoughtful action is what makes me feel like it's real/long-term.

 

I can understand that. You said he did nice things for you. So he can do it.

 

Tell him that you know he cares about you when he compliments you, touches you, etc.

 

Then tell him that it makes you happy if you know he thinks about and then does something to show you that he was thinking of you. It is tricky because he could understand that to mean "You don't love me enough".

 

The message you want to send is "It makes me so happy when you think about me and then do something that SHOWS me that you care about me (instead of just saying how much you care about me)".

 

Tell him how wonderful it was when he had the bubble bath waiting for you when you got home. Or how simple things can make your day. I don't know what you like. You said he gets up before you. Maybe you'd like it when he leaves you a short note ("Have a nice day") and prepares your breakfast before he goes to work, so you just have to sit down at the table when you get up.

 

Just give him a few examples of things he has done that you loved and would like to see happening more often.

 

If that isn't really his style, you'd probably have to be okay with him doing things like that infrequently. More often than he does now, but maybe not as often as you'd like.

 

I think most men are usually willing to accommodate their SO. I am sure he'll try to incorporate a few small niceties that you love into his routine and thinking.

 

It's just when we don't think like that, we need a reminder every now and then in order not to forget it.

Edited December 10, 2009 by Stockalone

[New Again]

Thanks for all that, Stockalone! I don't have time to address everything I'd like to, but would like to say that (after even more thinking and a couple things my b/f said when we talked about the love language thing) I actually think that I may have caused him some confusion.

 

Because I picked up on his love language (words, touch), whenever he did a service thing for me, like making me coffee in the morning, I responded in the way I knew he understood: words and touch (such as warm praise and graditude and a hug). Plus, I put effort into the verbal and physical side at random times to show him I love him.

 

So I think he took that to mean that those are also the ways in which I need love to be communicated to me.

 

We may have come to an understanding...but time will tell.