I'm being silly right?

[Ruby Slippers]

I would add to that that it's generally a good conflict resolution strategy to let him know what you DO like -- the positives. Express how you feel when he does nice things for you and treats you with appreciation and respect. Think of a few nice things he's done, and remind him how good they made you feel. Presenting the rewards rather than the potential punishments can be very effective.

 

But at some point, I think it would be helpful to get down to the core issue here -- his need for ego stroking. Not much you can do to solve that, but you can point out that it's an area that could use some work.

[CLC2008]

I definitely have some thinking to do...right now I'm thinking "hell no!" but it's all tangled up in my anger over something specific.

 

 

 

That sounds exactly like him. He has never done it for a guy that I can think of, only women, so I think that's a big factor.

 

It's funny you say that, because recently his best friend moved back to town, and asked my b/f to help move, and he was so annoyed by it ("no one helped me move!"); dragged his feet, bitched and moaned about it, then finally did show up to help...late.

 

 

Yes, that is correct.

 

This is also a good point.

 

Funny thing is, I had met/known him, prior to our first date.

 

You never think of these things at the time though.

[dudet]

On top of that, I'm really annoyed at his reaction the time I did say something - playing it off like I'm a bad person for having a problem simply over him doing something nice for someone else.

 

hmm i just thought of something. did it ever occur to you that he is very nice, the fact that he was thoughtful enough to pick up a cable for his roommates gf? i would think thats a good sign, if he considers others. also, got to think, maybe he wasn't necessarily thinking of this girl, but its because its his roommates girl.

 

now if he never considers your feelings, that's not good

[freestyle]

Yeah, that's something I'm thinking about - I definitely get what you're saying. But I need to consider if that's something I can be okay with in 5 years and 10 years and 20 years. Because he's probably not going to change. He's in his mid30s, it's not as though he's going to be doing anymore growing up...he's already proven he's incapable of criticism or self-reflection.

 

Freestyle, I wanted to ask, how do you deal with it?

 

 

It's wise of you to be hitting your mental "fast-forward" button, and

imagining how your R or M will be in the future.

 

How have I dealt with it?

 

Hmmmmmmm. Well, when I finally started to observe the trend that was happening, I got really angry and confused, simultaneously.

 

Angry: because, why wasn't I coming first?

 

Confused: why would he not put me first, if he really loves me the way he claims to................

 

I finally had a long, long, discussion with him about it. I was careful to use

"I feel" statements rather than being inflammatory.

 

I guess I sorta gave him a retroactive ultimatum (????) if that makes any sense. I didn't directly threaten to leave if he didn't change his behaviors, but I let him know that I'd almost left him a couple of times already...................

He was shocked when I said that. I followed up by saying, "the only reason you're sitting in my house today, instead of out of my life altogether, is because I love you that much. I've stuck it out, but I can't

tolerate playing second fiddle to your friends any longer. So think. Think

hard........Think about who you would be turning to in a crisis. Think about who would be at your side, caring for you, if you were laid up for a while."

 

Basically, I gave him a verbal beating with the Reality Stick. It got through to him. I reassured that yes, I do truly love him, but I also made my boundaries known. He didn't respond immediately, but I didn't ask him to respond instantly, I don't like to put people on the spot for answers to issues that require self-examination.

 

The end result was a marked change in his behavior and attitude towards me, for the better. We still have issues, of course, like any pair of people,

but there's been a huge improvement.

 

IDK, maybe this method would work for you,.......................I don't like the idea of tossing the baby with the bathwater, over an issue that could

be resolved,possibly. I guess you have to put everything on the scales, step back, and try to get the biggest picture possible.

[New Again]

hmm i just thought of something. did it ever occur to you that he is very nice, the fact that he was thoughtful enough to pick up a cable for his roommates gf? i would think thats a good sign, if he considers others. also, got to think, maybe he wasn't necessarily thinking of this girl, but its because its his roommates girl.

 

now if he never considers your feelings, that's not good

 

That's exactly the problem, though.

 

If he had been doing something nice and I didn't need anything, I wouldn't have started this thread. (Although, I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't still be thinking WTH - I'm not kidding or exaggerating when I say he specifically left his home for no reason except to go to that particular store, where he didn't need anything, until he "just happened" to realize he could get the cables for this girl.)

 

If he had been doing something nice and had said "Yeah, I'll take a look and see if they have what you need" I would not have started this thread.

 

Instead, he was doing something nice for someone else (who hadn't even asked), and he could have done something nice for me (when it was suggested/hinted at, and then when I finally asked) at the same store...and instead he said "Oh yeah, I need some of those too" and completely ignored the part where I needed them.

 

That's so self-absorbed it's actually hilarious.

Edited December 9, 2009 by New Again

[New Again]

Good question of how to address the issue with him. We wimmins tend to overwhelm men when we come at them with too many negatives, all at one time. They get defensive and shut down, so nothing gets accomplished beyond both parties being angry at each other.

 

If you talk to him, try to do it when you're not angry or at least barely angry so you can discuss things calmly. Pinpoint the exact problem, like what happened today over the phone and explain to him how it made you feel, rather than what he actually did. If he gets all male, back up, feathers ruffled, then you know he's got a lot of growing up to do. And this will help you define whether he's worth continuing a relationship with or whether he can in some way, learn how to resolve issues, rather than defend against issues.

 

I would add to that that it's generally a good conflict resolution strategy to let him know what you DO like -- the positives. Express how you feel when he does nice things for you and treats you with appreciation and respect. Think of a few nice things he's done, and remind him how good they made you feel. Presenting the rewards rather than the potential punishments can be very effective.

 

But at some point, I think it would be helpful to get down to the core issue here -- his need for ego stroking. Not much you can do to solve that, but you can point out that it's an area that could use some work.

 

It's wise of you to be hitting your mental "fast-forward" button, and

imagining how your R or M will be in the future.

 

How have I dealt with it?

 

Hmmmmmmm. Well, when I finally started to observe the trend that was happening, I got really angry and confused, simultaneously.

 

Angry: because, why wasn't I coming first?

 

Confused: why would he not put me first, if he really loves me the way he claims to................

 

I finally had a long, long, discussion with him about it. I was careful to use

"I feel" statements rather than being inflammatory.

 

I guess I sorta gave him a retroactive ultimatum (????) if that makes any sense. I didn't directly threaten to leave if he didn't change his behaviors, but I let him know that I'd almost left him a couple of times already...................

He was shocked when I said that. I followed up by saying, "the only reason you're sitting in my house today, instead of out of my life altogether, is because I love you that much. I've stuck it out, but I can't

tolerate playing second fiddle to your friends any longer. So think. Think

hard........Think about who you would be turning to in a crisis. Think about who would be at your side, caring for you, if you were laid up for a while."

 

Basically, I gave him a verbal beating with the Reality Stick. It got through to him. I reassured that yes, I do truly love him, but I also made my boundaries known. He didn't respond immediately, but I didn't ask him to respond instantly, I don't like to put people on the spot for answers to issues that require self-examination.

 

The end result was a marked change in his behavior and attitude towards me, for the better. We still have issues, of course, like any pair of people,

but there's been a huge improvement.

 

IDK, maybe this method would work for you,.......................I don't like the idea of tossing the baby with the bathwater, over an issue that could

be resolved,possibly. I guess you have to put everything on the scales, step back, and try to get the biggest picture possible.

All excellent advice!

[Kamille]

Please allow me to play devil's advocate. Why didn't you just ask him directly:

 

"Honey, while you're there, could you look to see if they have (item)? If so, pick some up for me, please? Thanks!"

 

Or, when you asked : "do you think they have (item)" and he replied he needed some for himself, why did you not just say : "great! If they do could you pick some up for me too? Please? Love you!"

 

I guess my point is, you can't change him - but you can change your communication style.

[New Again]

Please allow me to play devil's advocate. Why didn't you just ask him directly:

 

"Honey, while you're there, could you look to see if they have (item)? If so, pick some up for me, please? Thanks!"

 

Or, when you asked : "do you think they have (item)" and he replied he needed some for himself, why did you not just say : "great! If they do could you pick some up for me too? Please? Love you!"

 

I guess my point is, you can't change him - but you can change your communication style.

 

To clarify (didn't want a super long post): After he said he needed to get some also I said "I'm looking for [....]." He responded with "word" (which is what he says to say something when he's not listening). Then he changed the subject to the cables; I answered a question he asked, then I said "So do you need to write down what I need, or should I text it to you?" I heard mumbling about types of cables. Long pause, more mumbling.

 

Me: "[b/f's name]! So are you going to pick them up for me?"

Him: "Word."

Me: (disgusted) "Sounds like you're busy, I'll let you go."

And of course he didn't get them.

 

I hear what you're saying Kamille, and I know that in relationships communication is something I need to work on - it's hard for me to talk about issues when I have them, especially.

 

You're absolutely right, I could have communicated differently.

 

In this case though, the fact remains that I'm wicked pissed that some random girl who he's not even friends with didn't have to ask him. He just thought to go out of his way to do it out of the goodness of his heart.

 

So why the hell do I have to ask?

 

And also....I'm very stubborn.

[dudet]

Me: "[b/f's name]! So are you going to pick them up for me?"

Him: "Word."

Me: (disgusted) "Sounds like you're busy, I'll let you go."

And of course he didn't get them.

 

 

he says "Word" ....how old is he?

[Kamille]

Ok, I wasn't sure if you had asked directly from what you had previously written. It sounded more like you had hinted at it indirectly.

 

so yeah, now I'm on board. I would be upset.

 

I would bring it up and say that it bothers me because it makes me feel neglected and taken for granted. I would avoid making accusations and psycho-analyzing his motives. I would focus on discussing ways you can let him know you need his attention when he is tuning out. Hopefully, you two can actually reach an understanding about this.

[dudet]

 

Me: "[b/f's name]! So are you going to pick them up for me?"

Him: "Word."

Me: (disgusted) "Sounds like you're busy, I'll let you go."

And of course he didn't get them.

 

 

after I had a good laugh at his response.......

 

maybe word meant yes he would get them, but you got disgusted(maybe too quickly) and then said "sounds like you are busy, ill let you go". did you then just hang up on him or how did the call end?

[CLC2008]

after I had a good laugh at his response.......

 

maybe word meant yes he would get them, but you got disgusted(maybe too quickly) and then said "sounds like you are busy, ill let you go". did you then just hang up on him or how did the call end?

 

Yeah that's how I took it to mean too.

 

OP, my co-workers and I say that all the time at work, it's just a silly term we use.

 

Though, I know it's not the same as when it's coming from the person you are in a relationship with. It's a different set of circumstances, different dynamic.

[New Again]

after I had a good laugh at his response.......

 

maybe word meant yes he would get them, but you got disgusted(maybe too quickly) and then said "sounds like you are busy, ill let you go". did you then just hang up on him or how did the call end?

 

Do you give people in your own life the benefit of the doubt to this extent?

 

No, as I stated earlier, "word" is what he says when he's not listening. I've known him quite awhile now, so I know that I'm right about that. He proved he wasn't listening by ignoring me after that.

 

Then he said "word" again instead of saying "yes" or confirming that he remembered what I needed, or anything else.

 

After I said I'd let him go he responded with "Yeah, sounds good, later."

Me: "Bye." Click.

 

Then I got a text about how I didn't say "I love you" before hanging up. To which I responded: "word"

 

There you have it dudet: there's something I did wrong!

[dudet]

Do you give people in your own life the benefit of the doubt to this extent?

 

No, as I stated earlier, "word" is what he says when he's not listening. I've known him quite awhile now, so I know that I'm right about that. He proved he wasn't listening by ignoring me after that.

 

Then he said "word" again instead of saying "yes" or confirming that he remembered what I needed, or anything else.

 

After I said I'd let him go he responded with "Yeah, sounds good, later."

Me: "Bye." Click.

 

Then I got a text about how I didn't say "I love you" before hanging up. To which I responded: "word"

 

There you have it dudet: there's something I did wrong!

 

well maybe you just think "word" means he isn't listening. i don't know him, maybe it is, but in this incident sounds like he meant yeah. i do think it sounds kind of silly to be using that term, and then he still did not get what you asked him to get. doesn't seem all that responsible actually..a little too careless and forgetful, or at least for your taste. you also could be expecting a just a little too much from him. i can see you being aggravated, but i don't think he does it intentionally.

 

i would sit down and have a huge discussion about it (things in general, not just this incident) and make him realize it is bugging you ..if he still doesn't care to act differently then screw it lol

[SadandConfusedWA]

Eh if he had ulterior motives, he wouldn't have called you to discuss the cables with you.

 

BTW how hot is his roomate's gf?

[New Again]

Eh if he had ulterior motives, he wouldn't have called you to discuss the cables with you.

 

BTW how hot is his roomate's gf?

I know it's not about trying to get in her pants.

 

And she is good looking.

[New Again]

I still have some thinking to do, but to get the most pressing things out of the way, I had a chat with my b/f this morning when I was feeling calmer than I did last night. I know that I need to start saying something closer to the time that something actually bothers me.

 

So I forced myself to do it, and I used "I feel" statements. He still went on the defense, saying that I shouldn't have a problem with him doing something nice for someone else; that he doesn't want me to feel bad, but he didn't do anything wrong, so he's not going to apologize.

 

I told him that I wasn't asking him to apologize; I was asking him to take notice of how his actions and/or inattention affect me (I think that was the wrong thing to say). I said that I wasn't yelling at him for doing something wrong, I was just trying to have a discussion with him about why I was unhappy so that maybe we could reach some kind of compromise where both our emotional needs are being taken care of in a consistent way.

 

I made it a point to comment that his generosity and warm-heartedness are qualities that I really like about him, so in no way was I upset that he did someone a favor.

 

He seemed to think my issue was a jealousy one. This is actually another problem that we occasionally come across. He dated a girl who was psychotically jealous and he projects that quality onto me anytime I have an issue about something. I'm also starting to wonder if guys just don't get it, given the reaction of the guys in this thread, or if it's a plausible deniability thing or what.

 

Maybe in a way they are tied together, as everything he does that I have an issue with involves other women, as I stated earlier.

 

I don't think it was the most productive talk - I don't feel like the issue has been understood or resolved - but I do feel good that I said something.

[SadandConfusedWA]

To be honest, I am a girl and I got the sense that it is mostly jealousy issue...

[New Again]

To be honest, I am a girl and I got the sense that it is mostly jealousy issue...

 

Oh, nope! I trust my b/f, don't have a problem with the g/f, I've met her several times and I like her. I've seen her and my b/f interact and there's nothing questionable or inappropriate or anything there. I also know he loves me, and I have a very hard time imagining him acting inappropriately toward another girl, let alone cheating on me...and especially not with someone else's g/f!! He definitely wouldn't do that.

 

Completely different issue, which may or may not have become more clear as the thread went on...but it's a long one!

[harmfulsweetz]

I would be annoyed too. You've spoken to him, and nothing is resolved. Hm, I would take it that means he doesn't want to change something which has annoyed/hurt/upset you, and isn't very considerate of your feelings or of you. For me, it wouldn't be about the fact that he did something nice for someone else, it's about the fact that he couldn't even think of you when he did it. You asked him to look for something for you, and pick it up if they had it, but he didn't. He can't have forgotten. I would say that men are hopeless at times, and often, can't see why something like this would bother us women. Yet, he is being thoughtful towards someone else's gf, and thoughtless towards you.

 

If he can't sit down and accept responsibility for something he did do, intentionally or otherwise, and resolve to alter that behaviour to make you happy and comfortable, I would ask myself if he is really serious about being with you. It's not the action that would bother me, it's the way he's completely dismissed how it made you feel.

 

Is it a deal breaker for you? i.e. if he can't show you consideration, and pay attention to real concerns he can't be the one for you. ? You need to think about whether you can keep letting these things slide. I used to get worked up when my ex never stood up for me, ever, unless I asked him to. And when he did, it was such a huge deal. Like he'd sacrificed so much for me, it wouldn't have been a sacrifice had he cared about me. You need to really think about it

 

good luck

[New Again]

Thanks harmfulsweetz!

 

Definitely still thinking about things. I've actually also realized that one reason that this bothers me so much is tied into what everyone here is always saying about the languages of love.

 

My b/f is much more verbal; I'm not at all. I have, however, made an effort to accommodate his style by changing that.

 

I do things to show that I care. And I tend toward putting much more weight on actions than words. That was probably the one really good thing about a couple of my ex's - neither of them blabbed about their feelings pretty much ever, but they did a lot to show that they cared.

 

He'll occasionally do things for me, like make me coffee is he gets up before me, but that's pretty rare, and it's also why I find it especially upsetting when he does things for other people but not me - because that's exactly how I communicate love and prefer for it to be communicated to me.

[dreamergrl]

I really don't think it's a jealousy thing. OP wants to be valued and appreciated. OP's bf rather do nice things for those who aren't close to him. He doesn't seem to care about her needs or wants. That is selfish. She has an issue with his behavior, that other people have an issue with as well. I don't think it's just her.

[New Again]

I really don't think it's a jealousy thing. OP wants to be valued and appreciated. OP's bf rather do nice things for those who aren't close to him. He doesn't seem to care about her needs or wants. That is selfish. She has an issue with his behavior, that other people have an issue with as well. I don't think it's just her.

 

Yes, that I'm aware of three of his close friends and his sister have this same issue with him.

 

I think that for me, if I didn't see how great he treats acquaintances (in the way that makes me feel most loved no less!) while being thoughtless toward me, it would have taken me longer to realize what my issue with him is.

 

Otherwise, I would feel the same way, but it would probably be more of a general unhappiness and it would've taken me longer to put my finger on where those feelings were coming from.

[ADF]

I cannot see how picking up cables for someone could be construed as a romatic gesture. You're being silly, suspicious and controlling.

[New Again]

I cannot see how picking up cables for someone could be construed as a romatic gesture. You're being silly, suspicious and controlling.

 

I didn't construe it as a romantic gesture.