I'm being silly right?

[dreamergrl]

Dammit I think you're right.

 

You've had many talks about it right? And he has yet to change? He wont unless he wants to, and if he wanted to, he would have by now. It sucks! But if you keep tolerating it, it wont get better. If you move on, you could find someone who doesn't do this.

[New Again]

You've had many talks about it right? And he has yet to change? He wont unless he wants to, and if he wanted to, he would have by now. It sucks! But if you keep tolerating it, it wont get better. If you move on, you could find someone who doesn't do this.

 

Pretty much...we've only had one talk about this very specific issue (another time he did something very similar to this); plus one freak out on my part (the only time I've ever flipped out on any b/f) when he did something like this that was way out of line.

 

Then we've had several chats about him being self-absorbed, because he would come to me about it when someone else said he was. I definitely did not just pat him on the back and say "no of course that's not true; So-and-So must just have a stick up his ass about something."

 

But I also think maybe I was in the blinded by love stage during all that. And of course, initially I was one of the people he wasn't taking for granted.

 

Probably if someone else asked about this I would say you can't make someone stop taking you for granted - because you're right, it's all on the other person to change.

[dreamergrl]

Pretty much...we've only had one talk about this very specific issue (another time he did something very similar to this); plus one freak out on my part (the only time I've ever flipped out on any b/f) when he did something like this that was way out of line.

 

Then we've had several chats about him being self-absorbed, because he would come to me about it when someone else said he was. I definitely did not just pat him on the back and say "no of course that's not true; So-and-So must just have a stick up his ass about something."

 

But I also think maybe I was in the blinded by love stage during all that. And of course, initially I was one of the people he wasn't taking for granted.

 

Probably if someone else asked about this I would say you can't make someone stop taking you for granted - because you're right, it's all on the other person to change.

 

But you say that he's like this with more new people, which would explain with he wasn't like this initially with you.

 

I'm not saying you condoned his behavior with a pat on the back, but by continuing to let it slide, you made it okay for him to act like this now.

 

So what are you going to do about it?

[dudet]

but who knows, she could just be overreacting about all these so called incidents..

 

maybe he isn't that bad after all, maybe it's her....we would need a play by play to figure it out haha

 

i don't know if i would jump and break it off with him. you probably are just still upset more so over this recent incident. i'm not saying he does nothing wrong, but is it really all his doings?

[dreamergrl]

but who knows, she could just be overreacting about all these so called incidents..

 

maybe he isn't that bad after all, maybe it's her....we would need a play by play to figure it out haha

 

i don't know if i would jump and break it off with him. you probably are just still upset more so over this recent incident. i'm not saying he does nothing wrong, but is it really all his doings?

 

Whether it's all him or not though, if she can't move past it, all the talks in the world aren't going to make it all okay.

 

With this last incident, I'd have one last final talk. Explain what you are feeling, explain how you feel. If it can't be resolved, then it's time to move on.

[New Again]

But you say that he's like this with more new people, which would explain with he wasn't like this initially with you.

 

I'm not saying you condoned his behavior with a pat on the back, but by continuing to let it slide, you made it okay for him to act like this now.

 

So what are you going to do about it?

 

I'm thinking.

 

Points I'm considering are:

1. His reaction to being told he's self-absorbed by people who are close to him and therefore would know. This might be the biggest one, since he obviously didn't even take that as an opportunity to self-reflect, which is the only way he might change.

 

2. The fact that he hasn't changed when I've brought this up before.

 

3. A lesson I thought I learned in a previous relationship about wasting time discussing the same issue over and over that never changed.

 

4. Pros and cons.

 

I think I would be wasting my time by trying to talk to him about this again.

[dreamergrl]

I'm thinking.

 

Points I'm considering are:

1. His reaction to being told he's self-absorbed by people who are close to him and therefore would know. This might be the biggest one, since he obviously didn't even take that as an opportunity to self-reflect, which is the only way he might change.

 

2. The fact that he hasn't changed when I've brought this up before.

 

3. A lesson I thought I learned in a previous relationship about wasting time discussing the same issue over and over that never changed.

 

4. Pros and cons.

 

I think I would be wasting my time by trying to talk to him about this again.

 

So do you want to tolerate it, or find someone who is more on the same page and gives you what you need?

[freestyle]

He has had a few people who are close to him tell him that he is basically a good person and warm-hearted, but that he is very self-absorbed.

 

His reaction is anger, defensiveness, denying it, etc. He thinks clearly the other person is wrong.

 

And it's definitely true.

 

I think he takes me, his close friends and family for granted. So we get overlooked for the most part.

 

But then he does incredibly thoughtful and considerate things for acquaintances that pretty much always takes him far out of his way, and it's never someone's request, it's always him offering to do it.

 

Wow, I didn't realize I felt this way until just now.

 

 

Actually, I've seen this behavior with my bf, and various friends over the years.

 

They'll jump through flaming hoops to impress someone new in their lives,

but when you ask for assistance, they show up late, or dragging their feet, with the aura of someone "oh, so put-upon.........."

 

I totally understand your annoyance, New. Maybe to an outsider it seems like you're making a big deal out of nothing, but when the same thing happens over........and over..............and over again, and you begin to see the pattern emerging, it's aggravating.

 

I'm trying to understand the reasons behind that behavior. A need to be liked by everyone? The ego boost that comes with being a helper or a rescuer? Does that sound like your guy?

[New Again]

but who knows, she could just be overreacting about all these so called incidents..

 

maybe he isn't that bad after all, maybe it's her....we would need a play by play to figure it out haha

 

i don't know if i would jump and break it off with him. you probably are just still upset more so over this recent incident. i'm not saying he does nothing wrong, but is it really all his doings?

dudet, I have no doubt that I'm far from perfect!

 

He does have a lot of good qualities (else I wouldn't be with him!).

 

Whether it's all him or not though, if she can't move past it, all the talks in the world aren't going to make it all okay.

 

With this last incident, I'd have one last final talk. Explain what you are feeling, explain how you feel. If it can't be resolved, then it's time to move on.

 

I'm amazed to discover that I feel this way and how angry I am about it.

 

I think dreamer's spot on about me having a hard time moving past this...

 

I think the real issue is actually the first time this happened, the time I flipped out on him. I don't think I feel resolved about that, and probably I should've broken up with him over it (I was ready to). So these other things seem magnified because of that incident.

 

Sigh. Just more to think about.

[CLC2008]

You're considering marrying him, correct?

 

Here's an interesting thought.

 

Guy I dated for several years, I remember prior to our first date, I had anxiety. I did not want to go out with him for some reason and I couldn't figure out why.

 

Something, about this particular incident, is bothering you....

 

Find out why that is exactly, and then go talk to your boyfriend.

[New Again]

So do you want to tolerate it, or find someone who is more on the same page and gives you what you need?

I definitely have some thinking to do...right now I'm thinking "hell no!" but it's all tangled up in my anger over something specific.

 

Actually, I've seen this behavior with my bf, and various friends over the years.

 

They'll jump through flaming hoops to impress someone new in their lives,

but when you ask for assistance, they show up late, or dragging their feet, with the aura of someone "oh, so put-upon.........."

 

I totally understand your annoyance, New. Maybe to an outsider it seems like you're making a big deal out of nothing, but when the same thing happens over........and over..............and over again, and you begin to see the pattern emerging, it's aggravating.

 

I'm trying to understand the reasons behind that behavior. A need to be liked by everyone? The ego boost that comes with being a helper or a rescuer? Does that sound like your guy?

 

That sounds exactly like him. He has never done it for a guy that I can think of, only women, so I think that's a big factor.

 

It's funny you say that, because recently his best friend moved back to town, and asked my b/f to help move, and he was so annoyed by it ("no one helped me move!"); dragged his feet, bitched and moaned about it, then finally did show up to help...late.

 

You're considering marrying him, correct?

 

Here's an interesting thought.

 

Guy I dated for several years, I remember prior to our first date, I had anxiety. I did not want to go out with him for some reason and I couldn't figure out why.

 

Something, about this particular incident, is bothering you....

 

Find out why that is exactly, and then go talk to your boyfriend.

Yes, that is correct.

 

This is also a good point.

[dudet]

i understand things he does is aggravating, but when you love someone you just tend to put up with certain things. there ARE way worse things he could be doing:)

 

he sounds like he just doesn't THINK period lol. he needs to be more in tune and think about what he does

[dreamergrl]

i understand things he does is aggravating, but when you love someone you just tend to put up with certain things. there ARE way worse things he could be doing:)

 

he sounds like he just doesn't THINK period lol. he needs to be more in tune and think about what he does

 

It doesn't seem to be important for him to be in tune though.

 

It truly sucks when we find someone we are very much into, but there's a fall back and it's hard to let go.

[kimflute26]

I would be annoyed too.... funny thing is that every time I'm in a relationship I ignore signs that something is wrong and let all kinds of things slide, then as soon as the guy is gone suddenly EVERYTHING is clear and I have this wont-tolerate-****-from-anyone attitude. So I say listen to your feelings. If you're not feeling good about something you have every right to bolt if it doesn't change.

[New Again]

i understand things he does is aggravating, but when you love someone you just tend to put up with certain things. there ARE way worse things he could be doing:)

 

he sounds like he just doesn't THINK period lol. he needs to be more in tune and think about what he does

 

Yeah, that's something I'm thinking about - I definitely get what you're saying. But I need to consider if that's something I can be okay with in 5 years and 10 years and 20 years. Because he's probably not going to change. He's in his mid30s, it's not as though he's going to be doing anymore growing up...he's already proven he's incapable of criticism or self-reflection.

 

Freestyle, I wanted to ask, how do you deal with it?

[Ruby Slippers]

I totally get how you feel, and I would feel the same way.

 

That sounds exactly like him. He has never done it for a guy that I can think of, only women, so I think that's a big factor.

I was going to say the same thing -- I think it's an ego issue. He wants to help, be the hero, be the good guy. He's already made a good impression on you and no longer gets his ego stroke from your appreciation, so he's seeking it constantly from new women.

 

Sorry, but to me this does not sound like a good quality in a man. How might this manifest 10 years down the line when your relationship is old and comfortable and he needs more of an ego stroke? I mean, you never know how a person is going to mature, but I don't think you are wrong to feel a little funny about this. Those instincts are alerting you for a reason.

 

It's much more desirable to be with a man who gets his kicks out of looking after the people closest to him -- his lady, his family, friends... not random women who will be extra nice and appreciative because they hardly know him.

[freestyle]

i understand things he does is aggravating, but when you love someone you just tend to put up with certain things. there ARE way worse things he could be doing:)

 

he sounds like he just doesn't THINK period lol. he needs to be more in tune and think about what he does

 

 

I agree, he doesn't seem to be thinking, but there's different degrees of annoyance......................

 

Leaving the toilet seat up..............

 

VS.

 

Cheerfully volunteering to help other women, while being indifferent to the needs of a SO.

 

It's inevitable to start questioning the priorities of a partner when the latter happens repeatedly.

[New Again]

I totally get how you feel, and I would feel the same way.

 

 

I was going to say the same thing -- I think it's an ego issue. He wants to help, be the hero, be the good guy. He's already made a good impression on you and no longer gets his ego stroke from your appreciation, so he's seeking it constantly from new women.

 

Sorry, but to me this does not sound like a good quality in a man. How might this manifest 10 years down the line when your relationship is old and comfortable and he needs more of an ego stroke? I mean, you never know how a person is going to mature, but I don't think you are wrong to feel a little funny about this. Those instincts are alerting you for a reason.

 

It's much more desirable to be with a man who gets his kicks out of looking after the people closest to him -- his lady, his family, friends... not random women who will be extra nice and appreciative because they hardly know him.

 

That's exactly what's running through my mind right now.

 

On top of that, I'm really annoyed at his reaction the time I did say something - playing it off like I'm a bad person for having a problem simply over him doing something nice for someone else. The way he said it made me feel like he was very consciously and intentionally trying to manipulate me.

[threebyfate]

I absolutely get where you're coming from, New Again.

 

But to be fair to him, I have to remind you of that "romantic" thread. Did he do that really early on in your relationship or was it more recently?

[New Again]

I absolutely get where you're coming from, New Again.

 

But to be fair to him, I have to remind you of that "romantic" thread. Did he do that really early on in your relationship or was it more recently?

It was fairly early on, like a year and a half or 2 years ago. A little bit after we were "official." I was getting annoyed at some of his more self-absorbed behavior (a rant thread) and was making an effort to reflect on the good things.

[threebyfate]

It was fairly early on, like a year and a half or 2 years ago. A little bit after we were "official." I was getting annoyed at some of his more self-absorbed behavior (a rant thread) and was making an effort to reflect on the good things.

Gotcha'. So he does things to make people like him, then stops, when it's no longer necessary.

 

I don't think this is going to get better. As you can now see, it's a pattern of behaviour with him.

 

On the otherhand, what have you got to lose, to discuss it with him? Right now, he's annoying the crap out of you.

[New Again]

Gotcha'. So he does things to make people like him, then stops, when it's no longer necessary.

 

I don't think this is going to get better. As you can now see, it's a pattern of behaviour with him.

 

On the otherhand, what have you got to lose, to discuss it with him? Right now, he's annoying the crap out of you.

 

So true.

 

Right now I'm thinking you're right, I should talk to him. Just not sure exactly what that talk should be like.

 

Leaning toward discussing it to see what his reaction is. That would probably tell me a lot.

[Ruby Slippers]

On top of that, I'm really annoyed at his reaction the time I did say something - playing it off like I'm a bad person for having a problem simply over him doing something nice for someone else. The way he said it made me feel like he was very consciously and intentionally trying to manipulate me.

Another strike against him -- not listening to your concerns and responding to them respectfully. You should be able to communicate what's on your mind and be treated with respect and consideration in return. In my book, this is basic stuff.

 

He is most likely doing this because he's avoiding the issue. It's very hard to admit your own weaknesses, and most people will fight tooth and nail to remain in denial over them. But at a certain point, everybody has to make a choice: have the courage to face your fears and weak spots, to grow and mature; or continue to avoid and treat the people you care about less-than-great?

[New Again]

Another strike against him -- not listening to your concerns and responding to them respectfully. You should be able to communicate what's on your mind and be treated with respect and consideration in return. In my book, this is basic stuff.

 

He is most likely doing this because he's avoiding the issue. It's very hard to admit your own weaknesses, and most people will fight tooth and nail to remain in denial over them. But at a certain point, everybody has to make a choice: have the courage to face your fears and weak spots, to grow and mature; or continue to avoid and treat the people you care about less-than-great?

 

Actually I was just compiling a mental list of times this has happened, and I thought of another one; at this time I also said something to him about it, and for the second time he played it off like "what's your problem."

 

I'm pretty sure that it's only in those two cases that he hasn't tried to talk something out with me in a constructive way. Which really just points again to your second paragraph here.

[threebyfate]

So true.

 

Right now I'm thinking you're right, I should talk to him. Just not sure exactly what that talk should be like.

 

Leaning toward discussing it to see what his reaction is. That would probably tell me a lot.

Good question of how to address the issue with him. We wimmins tend to overwhelm men when we come at them with too many negatives, all at one time. They get defensive and shut down, so nothing gets accomplished beyond both parties being angry at each other.

 

If you talk to him, try to do it when you're not angry or at least barely angry so you can discuss things calmly. Pinpoint the exact problem, like what happened today over the phone and explain to him how it made you feel, rather than what he actually did. If he gets all male, back up, feathers ruffled, then you know he's got a lot of growing up to do. And this will help you define whether he's worth continuing a relationship with or whether he can in some way, learn how to resolve issues, rather than defend against issues.