duskandsummer Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 I don't think I've ever felt this miserable in my entire life. It is like the one thing I want is to be happy. Is to be in love with someone who loves me back. All I have experienced is rejection after rejection. I have been improving so much physically..growing up I was a fit kid..and around junior year in high school I gained 50 pounds..I have lost 35 of those 50. I have been feeling confident, optimistic, up lifted..just to get brought down yet again. I get one tiny moment of happiness just to get hurt. That is my life. I don't know what to do..I pray and pray and its like God doesn't hear me. I will never be good enough and disappointment is the norm. Its sad to say that out of my 20 years of life..I can't even say that 10% of that time has been spent being happy. I hate myself..because who else is there to blame? I don't know what to do..I just know that if this is the life that im meant to keep living..I don't wanna live it anymore. I guess what I am asking is what can I do..because im so lost..I can't turn to my friends because they wouldn't understand..I can't turn to my parents. What do you do..when you are given a taste of happiness and each time its ripped away? Why am I terrified of rejection when thats the only real thing I have experienced?
LovelyDaze Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 We are here for you. SO many people on here have helped me it is so unreal! That part where you said you get only tiny moments of happiness? To be honest...that is life. That friendly teller at the bank can be going through the pain of grieving over a dead parent, the mailman that gave you a stack of bills is dealing with his own bills and facing foreclosure tomorrow, the gorgeous redhead jogging in the park will find out by Friday that she has an pancreatic cancer. We ALL put on our best face..at work, in public and especially, at the beginning of a relationship. I don't think life can go any of our way where we wake up humming and skipping down the street. We have more mundane, lame times than good and thankfully horrible either. What we all do when we fall in love is reasonably attach that to being happy. So when that part of your happiness is gone, what do you have? You must now learn to be happy with just YOU. It is so hard, trust me, I know. I try my best everyday and I am improving! But you have to be happy with your own company before you can be happy with someone else. That way, if another love leaves, you will hurt but you will know that you can and will get over that person soon.
Author duskandsummer Posted December 9, 2009 Author Posted December 9, 2009 That the problem..it has always been just me. I have never been in meaningful relationship..my heart has been broken by guys I haven't even been with. My first major heartbreak was from a guy who I was just dating..he lead me on..I fell hard for someone who didn't even want me..and then my next major heartbreak I fell in love with a guy who just wanted me as a booty call..and I realize that now. I understand that people have their own problems and issues and they put on a smile just like I do everyday. I just don't understand why im so undesirable..why every guy who has come into my life..takes something and leaves..or just rejects me completely. I have spent most of my life alone..just me..I know what is like to be alone to be single..and I hate every minute of it.
Oxo Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 Maybe it is the vibe you are putting out there? I know it probably doesn't sound very nice but when I'm down/lonely/not feeling good about myself, out of nowhere come these guys who are total JERKS! They are purely out to use and abuse because it's like they can smell fear or something! I agree with what LovelyDaze said, you really need to love yourself, thats what I think these guys are picking up on - you DON'T really love yourself. Acceptance and love are different things IMO. You said youve been single and alone - but have you been single and happy? Maybe that's what you need to work on. When you stop looking for it, it'll come to you
LovelyDaze Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 And that's an even BIGGER problem. You have never learned to be happy on your own. I'm sorry to say this but I don't think you have really tried. The way it sounds to me, you really have run into some turds calling themselves men. I know what you mean. Most of my exes were great to me in the beginning, calling me nite and day, texting cute messages and nothing but gentlemen on our dates. Then as soon as a relationship started, the roles reversed and they were acting like I was the one who chased THEM. Start now. It is the HARDEST thing you will ever have to do. I mean you will cry, want to give up and call your ex, or even jump into another relationship so you won't be alone. Never good if you are not happy without someone in your life. A person is suppose to compliment your life...not be one. It is the conclusion I NOW know.
DustySaltus Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 A person is suppose to compliment your life...not be one. It is the conclusion I NOW know. Couldn't have said it better. Dusk: We've all had times where our faith has been tested. I am just now becoming a happy single person again. Just a while back I was probably the angriest, down on his luck person you would meet. I would sit in my room, play Chris Isaak's "Wicked Game" and just say to myself "poor me, poor me..." over and over again, after me and my ex broke up. I thought my life was set, I was going to get married to the love of my life. I left America for Israel because that's where she was and in the beginning it felt SO right. I went to Jerusalem, which is probably the most spiritual place in the world and I prayed to god that we would always be together, have a great family, great job and just be happy.....two weeks later she kicked me out and I was back here.I was so upset and I said that I didn't believe anymore, but then I realized: Sometimes the best prayers are the ones NOT answered. We all have our ups and downs, don't change who YOU are...change your perspective on what you want out of life, because you can achieve GREAT things for YOURSELF whenever you decide to. We are here to support you. SO tell us, what makes you happy? What would you like to do with your life?
DenverBachelor Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 I found my resonating problem in a Pink Floyd song called "The Trial" The end is the best -- "Tear down the Wall!" "Tear down the Wall!" "Tear down the Wall!" We all have something locked in that we need to release. For me, it was holding back on the passion and intimacy. I needed to tear down that wall. I know "The Wall" is based on a man's life -- but it is very poetic.
Author duskandsummer Posted December 9, 2009 Author Posted December 9, 2009 the thing is..I was born to love full heartedly...I have such a big heart and so much love to give to someone and its never returned. It is sad that I can say that I have been in love..but it was unrequited. I am not saying I need a guy to be happy..because I can be with a guy and still be miserable. Its love that I need to be happy..that is what will make me happy. I just need someone to love me the way that I know i'll love them. I am not your normal 20 year old girl who doesn't know what she wants in a guy. I know exactly what I am looking for. I have found exactly what I have been looking for more than once..and both times the common denominator was me. I am afraid that I will be alone the rest of my life, and that I will feel this pain for the rest of my life. I feel im gonna die a virgin, and completely unloved.
soheartbroken Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 Wow. I know that you believe every word that you're saying. I know that you're hurting badly. But you are only 20. 20 is really young to find the one you will be with forever. I think something like 90% of marriages where the parties are under 25 fail. Take this "single" time, take your big heart, and find something to love, but not necessarily someone. Volunteer, help the elderly, get involved with children...put that love somewhere. Put yourself in places where you might meet someone who also has a big heart. I'm sorry that you're hurting this badly and feeling so rejected. But finding love is not going to guarantee your happiness. If you attach your happiness to a man, then you really will be destroyed if that relationship fails (and many of them do -witness the board!).
Oxo Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 Dusk, you won't die alone and unloved. Not at 20. I can almost promise you that. I thought that at 18 when the guy I ran away from home to be with, lost my virginity to, was ENGAGED to left me for my best friend who he got pregnant - I thought that was it for me. I would never love again. But I did. Yes I'm heartbroken again right now, but I found someone better than he was, and I had never thought any man could make me feel the way that first one did and to be honest - noone ever did make me feel the same way - they made me feel better I know it sucks right now, really I do, but you will get through it with time. Just surround yourself with friends and family and draw on that love to boost you up right now.
Author duskandsummer Posted December 9, 2009 Author Posted December 9, 2009 you guys are truly amazing..thank you for all the kind words..I am really taking them to heart. I feel like I am always getting through the hard time..always getting over it..but never really feeling the sense of "wow I made it through"..I feel like I just jump back into another hard time I will eventually get over. I have some tiny hope left that I will be happy..but I feel like i've been waiting so long already to experience the things I see my peers experience. Although their happiness may not last..at least they can enjoy it..remember the good times..I don't even get to remember the good times..because its always me aching for the person..who wants someone else..or who just doesn't want me. Its like I can't wait any longer to feel loved in return, everything is aching to be loved..even my body is ready..I don't know what to do so this happens I blame myself..I get upset..and I feel hopeless.
Oxo Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 All of my friends (except for 2) are in these happy, loved up relationships and sometimes I feel useless too, and I think "What is wrong with me? Why can't I keep a man?" and you just gotta remind yourself - its not that you can't keep a man, its that he couldn't keep you! Comparing yourself to other people will only ever lead to disappointment, sadness and jealousy. You are a completely unique individual with your own particular path in life and its going to be different to those around you, sometimes it will feel worse but sometimes, it will feel better! Try and get some self-belief and if you struggle, consider seeing a life coach or motivator to get you started - once you belive in yourself and your awesomeness, other people will not be able to resist it! I know it sounds hard, it sounds hard when people say it to me to but its right - it all about self belief. Just put that smile on and tell yourself it's going to be okay. This is a time to get strong. This is what one of my friends told me today: "The times that hurt are the times you learn the most from. Getting through this will be the most strengthening experience that you have, because it will prove to you that you're capable of looking inside yourself for the strength to just keep going when the odds are against you. You don't have to change the world in these periods, you just need to give yourself credit for surviving." Copy that, paste it, print it and stick it on your mirror
puppydog Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 (edited) its not that you can't keep a man, its that he couldn't keep you! I agree. I think if a girl feels secure when she's with her guy (and vice versa) she has no desire to look elsewhere or try to find an out of the relationship. One day you'll meet that person who loves you for who you are inside and out (and not try to change you). My ex tried to change me and I foolishly succumbed. I should have kicked him to the curb 2.5 years ago but I didn't respect myself enough to walk away then. I'm kicking myself now, but what can you do. the past is the past. Rejection sucks, but you'll get through this. Put yourself first no matter what. Edited December 9, 2009 by puppydog
Author duskandsummer Posted December 10, 2009 Author Posted December 10, 2009 thanks you guys! I'm gonna try my hardest to concentrate on me and be happy..even though I want to be in love..and this feeling of being unloved/undesirable is always gonna be with me..I'm gonna really try not to think about it. Yah its hard seeing all these couples and all my friends talk about their guys..or their guy drama..but im gonna just have to find away to overcome feeling lonely in those situations..I think this will be the hardest thing to do.
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