Mondo Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 Hello, new user here, and first post on this board. I (22 years old) broke up with my girlfriend (21 years old) of 2 years a few days ago. She has cheated on me in the past, and she was the one to come tell me about it only a few days after the event. We lived together, but we had recently been fighting over nothings and disrespecting each other more and more. We both decided it would be best for her to move out in the coming weeks (back into her dad's apartment), but a heated argument ended with me essentially booting her out, and helping her move out that night. Afterward, we had a lengthy and civil conversation about working to improve our relationship, giving each other some space, and working on re-establishing the trust lost from her infidelity. Not even 48 hours later, I found out (by way of snooping her computer) that she had gone to a coworkers house and ended up fooling around with him. She tells me that it was a heat-of-the-moment thing (like the last time she cheated), and it didn't go so far as intercourse before she felt remorse, stopped, and left his house. She swears that they have never had previous contact outside of work. I confronted her about this, and her Google searches for "how to hide a hickey", and she confessed. Having still been hurt from her previous transgression, I became enraged, told her I essentially never wanted to speak to her again, broke it off, and went home to remove the rest of her things from my house. She came over to retrieve her things, and though I still felt confident in my decision to end the relationship, she begged on her hands and knees drenched in tears for forgiveness, and for me to give her some time to show her that she is sorry. I let nothing show, but it was very difficult for me to prevent myself from just scooping her up and holding her. She has been texting me non-stop, because I refuse her calls, telling me that she will prove to me that she is sorry and will change. I love this girl immensely. We connected in high-school but never really got together until college. I know that she has had a rough past, with a physically abusive step-mother, her first sexual encounter being rape, and being sexually abused a few times growing up. None of that is at all my fault, but I can't help but feel remorse for her, and that her unfortunate past is much to blame for her cheating. Am I delusional? Is there any hope for rebuilding our relationship? I know that liars merely say what others want to hear, but I truly wish nothing but the best for her, and hope that we can have a future together. Sadly, I also feel I may just be fooling myself.
DustySaltus Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 Before you are able to have a healthy relationship with anyone else you need to have one with yourself. She doesn't have that right now, so it will be impossible to have with you. I know she had a rough past but that doesn't give her a free pass to walk all over you. Googling "how to remove a hickey" and falling into the arms of another man is INEXCUSABLE. If you want to stay with her it would be because you feel that you need to be her caretaker. Rationally, you would know it's not the right move but emotionally you would feel like you are abandoning her. So then you will feel bad and somewhere down the line....she'll do the same thing again. And then you'll think the same thing again and it will just keep repeating itself because if she gets away with it once, she'll do it again. You CANNOT and SHOULD NOT be responsible for other people's actions and decisions. All you can do is control your own. I know it sucks what you are going through, but you have to move on. You deserve better.
Author Mondo Posted December 9, 2009 Author Posted December 9, 2009 (edited) I appreciate the response and the true words. You're right: her past does not excuse her actions at present. However, I feel that we had a healthy relationship for the better part of 2 years, and while she does have issues, she has been working hard to improve and has voluntarily put herself into therapy. I am not interested in being her caretaker. I do not feel bad for her when I consider her life without me, as she brought this on herself. Genuinely, I just still care for her and desire a working relationship. I cannot excuse her cheating, or be okay with it, but I am unconvinced that it's worth throwing away our relationship and friendship over. Maybe I'm just an ethical relativist, but I suppose I don't find infidelity in 2009 to be an issue worth crucifying someone over. I would still hope with everything I am that it would never happen to me (again), but nevertheless, it happens. Are there not people who rebuild their relationships after much more serious cheating than hers? I maybe just grasping at straws, but I am finding the concept of simply moving on difficult, no doubt because the wound is fresh and my feelings for her are still strong. However, even with all of the hurt and anger currently in me, I can say that I still love her and hope for a future with her. Edited December 9, 2009 by Mondo
DustySaltus Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 Are there not people who rebuild their relationships after much more serious cheating than hers? Sure, they're called doormats. i know the pain is fresh, but really take a step back and think of this now. What would you tell your best friend to do in this situation? If things were so great, why did she do this??
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