Sex issues ended relationship

[DudeMan27]

I'm not sure if this is the appropriate place for this topic or not, or maybe its better suited for a health board, and if so I apologize. But I've never had something like this lead to a breakup before and it is absolutely crushing me.

 

I have always had self-esteem issues. The only time I'm truely outgoing and confident is around my very close friends. When I am around girls I like or people I don't know that well, I struggle. The thing is, since I was in high school, I havent dated too much, but the girls I dated have all been gorgeous. Not just in my mind. I dated a girl that many said was the hands down best looking at our college for 3 years. I dated a dance instructor that every guy in town wanted. So I have no idea why I still struggle with self esteem. I met this girl thru a friend and she fell for me right away. She was very pretty, outgoing, and incredible. All my friends were jealous and constantly talked about how lucky I was. Once we dated for a while and got close, we started always messing around. At first I didnt have a problem. But then a few times I felt self conscious about being naked in front of her, and worried if the sex wasn't good she'd leave me, etc. It really began taking its toll.

 

Her friends and roomates are all very open. They tell each other everything and tell me alot of things. I mean, I knew a lot of things about her roomates boyfriends that i didnt care too. So I know they all told each other everything.I then started to worry that a few times I couldn't keep an erection that she immediately told her friends. Each time we tried, we'd go to get ready and all these thoughts entered my head and I couldn't do it. We would just end up kissing and playing around. Finally a few months later I brought it up to her. She was TOTALLY supportive and was glad I said something. She offered her ideas of what could be wrong and said she'd even go to the doctor with me. Problem was, I was embarrased to even tell a doctor. I was scared to death. I was sure it had something to do with my confidence as I never had a problem getting an erection before, and had no problem if we did oral or anything else. I admittedly put it off for another month or so until I could see it really starting to hurt her. I told her how amazing she was and that I was over the embarrasment and would see a doctor soon.

 

I scheduled a physical and when it came time, I froze, i couldnt say the words. My gf kept callling after my appt excited that I was actually getting some help. I had to lie to her and say he wants to see me again in a month. She could not understand how I wouldnt force the issue because its been so long. Thats when the relationship took a huge hit. One day I tried to mess around with her and she just didnt respond. She started crying and said she was just numb. She couldnt see how I saw this hurting her and hurting the relationship and still not do anything about it. I finally said somethihng to my doc a month later. He gave me some pills to try and said to call him and let him know how it goes. It was nowhere near as bad as I thought. But by this time, she was mostly gone. We dated for about another 6 weeks after that, but her libido was gone and she barely even wanted to kiss me. We lost all chemistry. I was embarrassed, thinking all her friends know, all her friends are laughing at her, etc and all I could do was watch and hope things turn around. I was no longer myself. I wouldn't even roll over in bed to hold her at night because I wasnt sure if she wanted me too. It was horrible.

 

9 months after the breakup and I think about it all day. I realize now how unbelievably stupid it was to not be able to tell a doctor, a man who hears everything, about this immediately. But as a healthy 27 year old man, who already has low self esteem, I just couldn't deal with this. It was impossible for me to think straight. My ex and I are friends and have hung out a few times, but unfortunately just as friends. This has to be the absolute worst way to lose a girl. Every joke in a movie or tv about sex makes me think of it. I can't even watch my friends with their girlfriends because I feel like such a loser not able to satisfy mine. No matter what, my ex's next guy will always be better than me.

 

I just don't know how to handle this mentally. Two weeks ago I slept with someone and had no problem. You'd think that would get my mind off it, but all I do is obsess over why I have no problem with her, but couldn't do it with my ex who was 10 times better looking, and I wanted to marry. The kicker is when my friends and I watch football, theres always a dozen ED commercials. My friend joking around says "the minute mine stops working, Im headed straight to the doctor." That just made me feel even more like crap. What guy in his right mind, with a fantastic girl who he thinks is the one, has an ED problem and doesnt rush straight to the doctor. it took me almost 4 months to go, I was just so insecure. Now I live everyday with the thought "If I only maybe joked about it and was secure in myself, I would have taken care of it immediately and next month we'd be celebrating our 2 year anniversary. Now I'm spending the holidays alone. There's more to this story but I'm just making myself depressed typing and thinking of the what if's.

 

I love this board and it has helped me greatly. I usually just post to vent and don't expect replies, but this time i really need help. I could handle her leaving for someone else, I could handle us just not being able to get along. But not this. We never fought. She was the easiest and classiest girl to get along with. And because of me we never had that closeness, that intimacy. And Im left with a lifetime of loneliness and embarrassement

[So_Sick78]

Hey sorry to hear that. Did you ever figure out what was going on? Have you tried maybe theapy as well as a doctor?

 

I had sexual issued and it was frustrating not only for my ex but me too, as much as I wanted to I couldn't. It was pyschiclogical as well as physical. I'm great now and he's gone.

 

Have you and your ex spoken at all. It's great that she was supportive, my ex wasn't.

[DudeMan27]

Hi. Yes I have spoken with my ex. We are friends and she has opened the door for me to call her anytime, but right now I just can't. I actually haven't truely figured out my problem, I had to go to the doctor again and he asked me how the pills worked out, but we broke up before I used them. So I just told him fine. I have to think it's severe self esteem issues, I've always had them. The thing is, my last serious gf in college we dated for almost 3 years and had fantastic sex. I kind of did the one night stands thing after that due to her breaking my heart, but this was the first real girl since that I've slept with that I truely loved and wanted to be with. I have to think maybe that had something to do with it. When you truely care about the other person and what they think, that can take its toll on you. During the relationship we talked about it, and she even said I need to "get out of my own head" And I just couldn't do it. I was afraid to start getting close because if I couldn't get it up, it would kill the mood and damage the relationship further. Problem was, not getting close hurt it as well. My head became a mess and all I could think about day in and out was how I felt backed into a corner and either road I take she's leaving. Thats why I couldnt think straight and just realize "go to the doctor, let her go with you as she suggested, and get this taken care of and save your relationship. I think that was the last thing from my mind surprisingly. I convinced myself she was leaving, my hesitance hurt her so much, and finally she left. I actually hooked up with someone 2 weeks ago, most guys would be excited about that. Everything went well. But all I can obsess over is why couldn't that be my ex. Why did I have those problems with my ex and not this girl. Why did my life have to be ruined due to confidence and sex issues. I dont even want to be with anyone but her.

[So_Sick78]

What about therapy for the self esteem issues? It's helping me. Besides the medical issues try working on the emotional ones as well.